Did you deliberately put off having kids?

[Lostatsea1988]

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

@SkiddySkidz

The point is no one is ever ready to have children, it feels so scary to willingly change your life when it's in a good place. But on the other side of it you don't look back negatively on the decision

I have to disagree with both points here.

Many people are ready to have kids. And know that before the start trying. I do think some people try when they’re still a bit unsure or not quite ready and then extrapolate that to assume everyone else is similar: ‘there’s never a right time, nobody ever feels ready!’. I had kids at the ideal time and I knew I was ready, or I wouldn’t have gone ahead! I know lots of parent friends who felt totally ready for them. People who are ready but are unable to have them. If they weren’t ready or didn’t feel ready they wouldn’t be spending so much time and money trying to get pregnant lol.

And the second point, I’m glad that was the case for you (and me) but there are a significant number of parents who do look back negatively on their decision to have kids, there are plenty of people who regret having had children. It’s rarely discussed tbf because it’s a massive taboo, so I can see why people might get that idea that ‘you never regret your kids’. But some do. I’ve spoken to many who’ve acknowledged that they love their kids and do everything they can for them but if they could go back in time they’d have chosen a different path to parenthood. Cos nobody knows how hard it is until they’re in it.

It’s a massive gamble imo to have kids unless you’re 99% sure you are ready and that you want them... it’s an opt in thing, not opt out of the default of having kids. I don’t think anyone should go for it unless they feel almost certain because you’re gambling with someone else’s life and the consequences if you go ahead anyway and regret it can be catastrophic for all involved.

[quote cosycatsocks]@oliviabenson nope it is literally scientifically proven. You can find multiple studies from respectable institutions with a quick Google.
[/quote]
How does that work for people who do regret having a child?

I agree skiddy,’to be honest half of MN seems to really dislike having children but then have more than one.

I never wanted kids at all, just wasn’t on my radar, and DH was quite happy to do whatever I wanted.
I changed my mind at 35 for a variety of reasons, so we started trying straight away. It was a really long and hard road which involved lots of heartache but DS was born last year. I’m almost 39 now. I do wish we’d started a couple of years earlier to be honest, as we would probably have tried for a second. But I am really happy that we have DS.
We’ve travelled and essentially did everything we really wanted to do, we own our house and have good savings, so our focus now is on doing fun things with DS. So I’m glad we had that life before he came along.
I know that if I’d left it any later it probably wouldn’t have happened for us and when I look at our son I’m so grateful.

Bit shocked to read that people regret having their kids. I’ve never heard of that in all honestly I have come a cross someone who has more than one child saying they wished they of just stuck # children... but not completely regretting having a child/children all together.

It’s a running theme on MN.

I've never heard anyone say it IRL, only anonymously on the internet. It was shocking at first, but I suppose it makes sense that it isn't something people feel they can do in their daily lives because of the stigma.

They basically rewire your brain so even when you're shattered you won't regret it.

This belief that it’s impossible to regret having children comes from social conditioning. This is also why it’s such a big taboo to discuss it.

And yet so many who apparently regret it so have two or three.

I didn’t deliberately put it off. I wasn’t in a position to have children until my mid 30s and circumstances meant I didn’t actually conceive until I was 39.

I know there can be fertility risks and health risks having babies older which I don’t want to minimise. But I have to say I am very glad I didn’t have my DD in my 20s. I think I would have felt a lot of resentment about the things I didn’t get done.

@bluesapphirestars your absolutely right. I think it is a British thing to have numerous children and not consider the finicial aspect and the strain that it can lead to because they have chosen not to consider these key factors.

That’s not really what I mean to be honest

I think on MN in particular there are a lot of women from middle class backgrounds (not so many now as there were) and I think these women sometimes find adapting to parenting harder, having children later in life and after (if the posts here are to be believed) being used to an extremely pampered life beforehand of travelling and parties and indulgence. In other words, your typical MNetter was impossibly gorgeous and slim and wore beautiful clothes and designer handbags and travelled the world and had an incredible career. The truth is more likely that she was as attractive as any young woman and had a good job. And when the children came along she gained weight and the amazing career somehow didn’t yield enough to pay for childcare costs.

It’s exaggeration, it’s fine, we all look back through rosy tinted specs but I think it’s a shame when it prevents you enjoying the here and now.

"They basically rewire your brain so even when you're shattered you won't regret it."

Ha! What bollocks!

We had an incredibly difficult first year with DS. The sleep deprivation nearly broke us. I don't know about rewiring our brains but I was certainly fucking depressed. There were plenty of moments when we bitterly regretted it and missed our child-free lives.

We got through it, and thankfully decided that on balance we don't regret having DS, but I can absolutely understand that some people do.

I always wanted children but never thought about it too deeply, and it's only since becoming a parent that I fully understand why some people don't!

This belief that it’s impossible to regret having children comes from social conditioning. This is also why it’s such a big taboo to discuss it.

This!!!

I get judged mostly by other women for not wanting kids, I'm seen as weird. There is also huge judgement for anyone who feels they regret their children. It's a lifelong commitment and in the worst case examples where a parent effectively abandons their child (adoption etc) the judgement is huge.

No one talks about it openly, even on here the threads where someone admits it, those posters are often subject to backlash. Doesn't mean it doesn't exist though.

@Heyhih3

It’s really sad all around. In a way I’m glad that you’ve now learned that it’s possible to regret your kids as hopefully you won’t be one who says ‘nobody ever regrets the kids they have!’. Obviously people don’t feel able to talk about those feelings as it’s a massive taboo.

@bluesapphirestars correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re coming across almost as if you don’t believe there are people who regret having had children? Having multiple kids isn’t really disproving it if someone says that. It’s possible to love having one kid then have more and realise you fucked up and over extended yourself. It’s also possible to have a couple kids in quick succession early in life before really finding your feet and then come to realise you wish you’d stayed child free. It’s very possible to have been pressured into kids socially or culturally, but deeply resent it.

Doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love your child. Just that if you could go back in time knowing what you know now, you’d have preferred to remain childfree.

I suspect many women of my mother’s generation felt that way as it wasn’t common to just eschew childbearing, it was assumed you’d have them and you faced more social pressure if you didn’t. It’s only relatively recently in history that some women have both the ability to prevent pregnancy with contraception and decide whether to have them or not.

We weren't nearly ready at 30. Way too busy having fun, travelling, living abroad etc. Even though we had the career and financial stability.

By 35 I started to worry about my fertility dropping off a cliff so came off the pill. I fell pregnant after 2 months. Which was still probably about a year before I had really wanted but made it happen.

That worked well because we took a year after DD to want to try for a second, then that took 18 months so we have a 3.5 year gap between kids which is more than I'd like.

Now I'm 44 I wouldn't want to try for another.

I guess I'm saying that leaving it works (as long as your body plays ball) but you have quite a narrow window for it all to come together.

We were a litte late to the party with me being 44 and other half 40.

She was 39 when she conceived.

Neither of us wanted kids until we were at those ages, life has a habit of changing your outlook I guess.

Both of us didn't think much would happen but a couple of goes and we now have a beautiful 7 month old boy.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing things a bit later than the norm, in fact I think that it's less unusual these days.
We're more stable, have more money, patience, have already had loads of experiences. Now it's a whole new world of experiences, different but equally fun and challenging.

Near 40 was right for us, if someone wants kids in their late teens early 20's then brilliant, you have my respect.

I believe it shark but I also don’t believe many of them really, honestly regret it.

I think many of them wanted to stay young and carefree, children or not that won’t happen.

So you have a baby at say 34 life changes dramatically - but would you honestly have wanted life without them? In some cases the answer is yes. Mostly it isn’t, or they wouldn’t go on to have subsequent children.

"Mostly it isn’t, or they wouldn’t go on to have subsequent children."

I disagree, I think it is actually possible to regret having a child, but given the impossibility of going back to having none at all, decide to have another child. I think there's a much bigger difference between 0 and 1 than between 1 and 2. Once you have 1 child your life has changed anyway so if you feel that there are at least some benefits (despite the regrets) you might feel that you "might as well" have more. I do know of one person who admitted to feeling like that.

I find 2 easier than 1. After a certain age they play together and leave you alone more.

Odd thing to do though on that logic emma!

bluesapphirestars
I know! But I think most people who have regrets about having a child will have mixed feelings about it, it's virtually impossible not to love your child as well as finding them a PITA

Yeah so my assertion is not a 'belief' but borne out by extensive neurological research. Its pretty easy to look up. Having a baby does change parents brains, and the more you engage with your baby the more significant the changes.
I feel very sorry for the children of these parents on here who say they regret having them.

I think the problem is regret is too simplistic.

You lose a lot but you gain a lot too. And I think some people are naturally pessimistic and will moan about what they lost whilst not focusing on what they gained. I also think in a minority of cases children are used as an excuse, as in well I would have been a millionaire / great beauty / changed the world but the kids came along.

@AnotherEmma

"Mostly it isn’t, or they wouldn’t go on to have subsequent children."

I disagree, I think it is actually possible to regret having a child, but given the impossibility of going back to having none at all, decide to have another child. I think there's a much bigger difference between 0 and 1 than between 1 and 2. Once you have 1 child your life has changed anyway so if you feel that there are at least some benefits (despite the regrets) you might feel that you "might as well" have more. I do know of one person who admitted to feeling like that.

Indeed. In for a penny in for a pound. Not denying having children rewires your brain, just not in the way copycatsocks suggests.