Did you deliberately put off having kids?

[Lostatsea1988]

There are 101 threads here on MN about people who had kids later in life e.g. because they didn't meet their partner until their late thirties, because they remarried, because they couldn't afford it earlier, because they were tied up with career / studying - so many valid reasons.

I am just interested to know if anyone put off having kids until they were say 40ish on purpose, just because they were enjoying life? Do you regret it?

The situation is:
married (so happily!)
house
good salaries (could afford childcare easily)
good mat leave package
good careers
savings

.....but really having a fun life and would like to stretch it out for another 7/8/9 years before trying for kids.

Aware of the risks of putting it off but feel (this end of 30) that the joy 7/8/9 more years of fun and freedom would bring me would be a price worth paying if kids don't happen for us.

Was anyone else in this situation (i.e. could have had kids early 30s but deliberately put it off)? Did you go on to have kids at age 40-ish? If not was it because you realised you didn't want them or was it because of fertility problems.

@Cavagirl you so could be me!!

Counselling did really help me with it. I'm of the I'd rather regret not doing it than regret doing it camp as well.

I know exactly what you mean by wanting a crystal ball!

Maybe looking at it in a different way would help. The question should maybe be "do I want to become a mother, and if so when?" Rather than focusing only on the when do i want to have kids. I was very taken aback by how much of my whole personality has changed since becoming a mother. Not just at a practical day to day level but literally a different outlook and philosophy about life. And once you become a mother its not a part time deal, its a lifelong commitment to your children come what may. All the highs, lows, joys and fears. For example my pre-children self would see a news report about something like the Madeleine McCann case and react in a completely different way to how I react now when something like that is in the news. I am sure not everyone experiences this but for me it was something never talked about, becoming a mother has fundamentally changed my outlook on life.

I know a few people who have delayed deliberately making a decision about children because they were enjoying life too much. Varying outcomes. It is a gamble to leave it until 40, really.

My sister and her husband umm’d and ah’d about kids until she turned 40 and they had to make some sort of decision either way. They decided that actually, they didn’t want children and wanted to continue a life of relative freedom and spontaneity (lots of travel, quite glamorous lifestyle). She’s 43 (he is 50) now and no regrets.

A good friend waited until 40 to decide she did want a child (she was a dancer and choreographer and had put it off as long as possible as she didn’t want it to affect her body). She conceived one child at 41 after a year of trying, but wasn’t able to have any more (several miscarriages).

One of my closest friends started trying at 39. It took 4 rounds of IVF and 3 miscarriages to have her only child at 43. She regrets leaving it so late, as she didn’t know she had fertility issues until she started trying.

I'd just caution with my own example. I waited to complete my PhD and have a stable job. We started TTC when I was 31. Succeeded when I was 37 after much heartache. Of course you can push it as far as you want, but do be prepared that these things rarely go according to plan and that you may never have children. If you're ok with that, then you made the decision that is right for you and no one can say a thing. But if you are not sure, then I'd advise against it.

@Oysterbabe

Personally if I were early thirties with a husband in a great marriage (ie no expectation of the relationship breaking down) I’d have IVF and get some eggs frozen and some embryos frozen. Then you can put TTC off as long as you fancy.

I think you underestimating how hard IVF is and how often it fails. Not to mentioned the shed load of cash you'd need.

IVF actually has a great chance if you've no fertility issues.

We waited to try until we were in our mid-thirties as we wanted to be married and buy a place first. It’s been a horror show and I really regret that we didn’t take it more seriously in our early thirties while we were still just engaged and renting.

I came off the pill at 34 after we got married but my cycles were all over the place after the pill and we spent that year focusing on finding somewhere to buy. When I turned 35 we took it more seriously and started timing intercourse but it still took almost a year to conceive and then we had a miscarriage. That dragged out for awhile and after a year we still hadn’t conceived again, despite all our test results and my ovarian reserve levels coming back fine. We decided to try IVF but that was delayed at first due to COVID and I have now just found I’m miscarrying again following our first IVF round.

I’m 37 now. I may well have had these issues when I was younger but battling them against a ticking clock is miserable.

Life looks a lot different closer to 40 than 30 and I’m starting to think about what the next decades will be like without kids. Our own parents won’t be around forever and who will be there then? Who will be around the table on Sunday’s and at Christmas? So if you say you want a family you really need to think about what that means.

who will be round the table at Sundays and christmas

your own children?

@bluesapphirestars

who will be round the table at Sundays and christmas

your own children?

If this is in reply to Dbrook you might want to read her post again.

But it seems to be saying this is a reason not to try, in general, at all.

This just baffles me, sorry, it wasn’t intended to be insensitive but it did confuse me.

@bluesapphirestars

But it seems to be saying this is a reason not to try, in general, at all.

This just baffles me, sorry, it wasn’t intended to be insensitive but it did confuse me.

I think you have misread the post. Dbrook is saying that she is facing maybe not being able to have DC and the question of who will sit around the table in the future worries her. Her post was not a "reason not to try" but a discussion of the consequences of putting off trying.

Then I apologise most profusely dbrook, I interpreted it as not wanting to try as your own parents wouldn’t be around for as long

No I wouldn't put it off personally I've known so many healthy women in their early/mid thirties who have struggled to conceive and seen their heartache...

I've had a baby younger than the norm in my area but I don't regret it. I'm looking forward to having wonderful experiences with my son and partner - we can still have wonderful holidays and experiences... I was with my partner for 8 years before we had a baby, yes we could have had more years of amazing holidays and restaurants etc - but there's more to life than that. I now find more joy with my son smiling at me than going to another fancy bar.

It's so deeply personal that noone can tell you how to feel or what to do we all just build opinions off our experiences and each is unique

I think you have to consider how many children you want. It it's just one then maybe leave it til later but if it's more than one id not leave it later than age 32. The older you are the older you'll be when your kids grow up and are teenagers. I'm glad that I've had my kids early because I'll (hopefully) be able to be a grandmother and be able to help my kids when they are older. I don't want to be "old" when my child is 20. I want to be an active part of their lives. My mum had me when she was 39 and there is a big difference in our mindset. It might just be a personality difference but she's always been saying how much better things were "years ago". Well that's not much use to me is it... I had my first at 25 and my last at 32 and I feel ill be able to relate to my kids more. I know what the school system is like that they are in. I'm more in touch. When you are alot older you probably won't relate to them as well in my own experience. Also my mum was able to help alot with my first child as she was younger but now by the third grandchild she is 74 and can't do much with him as it wears her out.

Not 40 but I met my husband at 19 and didn't have our son until I was 30. We wanted to have nice holidays and buy somewhere together first. I could've waited longer but there was always the worry of what if it took long to fall pregnant and I definitely wanted children. We were very lucky first time round but it took a year to fall pregnant with my second (due November) As long as you're aware of the risks as you get older then do what you feel is best.

If it was a case of 'when' I'd say dont wait. If it's a case of 'if'... then wait.

yes we could have had more years of amazing holidays and restaurants etc - but there's more to life than that.

Comments like this really rub me up the wrong way (and I honestly don’t think you meant it like that by the way, doadeer)!

But these type of comments reinforce the idea that a life without children is meaningless, which it isn’t.

One of my reasons for being on the fence is the joy that I get from relaxing, peaceful holidays and visiting fabulous restaurants. I hate the idea of mostly giving all that up, at least for a few years! But it doesn’t mean that my life would have more or less meaning without it.

@Waiting42021

yes we could have had more years of amazing holidays and restaurants etc - but there's more to life than that.

Comments like this really rub me up the wrong way (and I honestly don’t think you meant it like that by the way, doadeer)!

But these type of comments reinforce the idea that a life without children is meaningless, which it isn’t.

One of my reasons for being on the fence is the joy that I get from relaxing, peaceful holidays and visiting fabulous restaurants. I hate the idea of mostly giving all that up, at least for a few years! But it doesn’t mean that my life would have more or less meaning without it.

You can still do those things. While children are small it’s not the same as they need a lot of attention there does come a point though where your child will be able to sit along side you at a fancy restaurant and go on fabulous holidays together. You just have to be willing to embrace and give and take.

Op do it now, its the best thing in the world, hard but fun. Its better to deal with the sleepless nights when you are younger. Your egg /dh sperm quality is still good, less likely to have problems. Plus you can have so many adventures with children and its magic! They basically rewire your brain so even when you're shattered you won't regret it.

I only regret not doing it sooner.

@Heyhih3 I specifically mentioned relaxing and peaceful holidays and giving those things up for at least a few years. Not indefinitely.

The main subject of my post was that too many people seem to think that we should have children because there’s more to life, apparently.

@Waiting42021 in all fairness to some people that’s maybe how they feel... it’s a hard one some people definitely know they don’t want kids. Some are unsure and then struggle to conceive or they may not. I suppose I can’t relate on that front before I was a mother I never over thought that far ahead in all honestly I obviously knew from what others said that my life would change but I had no idea to what extent. I know what you mean when your saying “should” however I don’t feel it’s coming from a malicious place.

yes we could have had more years of amazing holidays and restaurants etc - but there's more to life than that. I now find more joy with my son smiling at me than going to another fancy bar.

These comments really rub me the wrong way as well, and I have DC. There is a tendency among some people with children to be smugly patronising about the "empty" pleasures of the childfree.

I like going to fancy bars and make no apology for it. I won't be having more DC in part so I can get back to fancy bars and nice holidays (with childcare!). My life is no more meaningful now I've had DC, and certainly no more virtuous. Arguably less.

They basically rewire your brain so even when you're shattered you won't regret it.

Im sorry but that's utter bollocks. That might be your experience but there are plenty of parents who do regret having them for a variety of reasons.

They basically rewire your brain so even when you're shattered you won't regret it.

Im sorry but that's utter bollocks. That might be your experience but there are plenty of parents who do regret having them for a variety of reasons.

I think there is an incorrect and negative perception that life stops or is put on hold when you have kids. Five years ago I got pregnant at 27 and felt terrible about it - I hadn't 'lived my life', 'done all the things I have wanted to do', or 'got it out of my system'. I thought I had lost my freedom and that I was going to become boring and have my life revolve around a baby.

The truth is, it was the best thing to ever happen to me. Simple as. And since my son and subsequent daughter came along I have done so much more with my life than I ever thought I would before children. My husband and I think it focussed us a lot. I earn twice as much now and have a great, flexible job. My husband has been promoted too. We have bought two houses since then. We planned a wedding and got married abroad. I am more confident in so many ways and appreciate the good things in life, I am more determined to do well for my children and myself. I LOVE travelling and am so glad I am able to share my adventures with the children, I think if I had waited until I was 40 I would have wanted to do it all again, to share my experiences with them. There are times when it is hard work (like every day) but every night I go to bed with a fuzzy, contented feeling I never had before children. It opened up a new part of me that I am so happy to have discovered.

The point is no one is ever ready to have children, it feels so scary to willingly change your life when it's in a good place. But on the other side of it you don't look back negatively on the decision, I said I could have happily done it 5 years earlier! Do whatever is right for you, but if you are in a happy and good place, and you like the idea of being parents, you can definitely do it. This feeling you have continues when you have one child and are deciding if you want to try for another. It makes me appreciate the fact that mine were happy surprises as I never had to have this debate!

Ps - note I have a great support network which really does help. And my husband is so hands on too. I have been able to go away for weekends with friends and he has been on stag dos and stuff, we have also been lucky enough to do loads alone together thanks to me having 4 hands on siblings, so I am aware this may have helped me a lot.

@oliviabenson nope it is literally scientifically proven. You can find multiple studies from respectable institutions with a quick Google.