To think this is weird? Or have I majorly blundered?

[Stickystick]

Am single parent, one DC6. Fairly risk tolerant but cancelled our holiday abroad this summer because breathing recycled air cheek by jowl with 400 randoms on a plane for hours seemed a bad idea...

However poor DC6 has been cooped up in our little flat for months now, not getting much exercise or fresh air, and I have been trying to think of somewhere affordable where we haven’t been before that we could drive to for a week’s adventure. Then I remembered his godmother (also his father’s sister) has some land in a remote part of England with a few holiday cottages on it - very socially distanced, lots of nature. I could see from their website that they had availability in August, so I wrote to her and asked if we could rent one of the cottages for a week - paying full market price, naturally, because I didn’t want her to think she had to turn down paying guests to make room for us.

Her reply was odd though - was perfectly polite, said “would be lovely to see DC6 at some point” and didn’t answer the “can we please book” question at all.

I left it for a couple of weeks thinking maybe more was coming/they were waiting to see what happened with Government rules, but radio silence.

So I just mentioned it to my DC6’s dad (her brother), with whom I am on amicable terms, thinking maybe he could put in a word.

He said, rather grimly “Ah yes, I heard about that.”

He went on to say that my request was totally weird and put his sister in a very awkward position. He said, why would you pick their cottages out of all the other holiday destinations in the country? He said that DC6 is “family” (implication being that I am not) and it would be totally bizarre for DC6 to be staying on their land as a paying guest. If DC6 were to go, it should be with him (DC6’s dad) as he is the connection between DC6 and his aunt, and it would be downright weird for DC6 to be there otherwise.

I am puzzled and a bit hurt by this - I wouldn’t say we are madly close to the aunt as she lives a fair way away, and DC6 and I are not part of mass family gatherings (not that there are many) as I am not with his father, but I think our interactions have always been very respectful and polite, presents sent, thank you letters written etc. I don’t think it would be weird at all to be a paying guest on her land - I can afford the rent and IMO it would be CF-ery to be anything else (ie expecting a freebie, inviting ourselves to stay in their own house etc). I thought of their cottages because it’s an area I don’t know, and she always mentions the wonderful nature whenever she writes to us: I think DC6 would love it.

Was my request unreasonable? Or have I committed a genuine faux pas? Is there anything that can be done?

Weeeeeird. YANBU.

What did she reply?

Yes! What was the reply?

@Stickystick

I wasn't going to add to this thread, except maybe to share the semi-enlightening reply I've had from the aunt, but...some of these comments are so presumptuous about the correct level of bitterness that exes should deploy that I want to address them:

@Cadent. Seriously. You think I shouldn't have invited DC6's (very religious) grandmother to his christening, as if she were the Wicked Fairy in Sleeping Beauty? And I should refuse to return Christmas cards, or to write thank you letters for the Christmas presents his aunts send me personally? Or to make DC6 write thank you letters for his Christmas and birthday gifts to all his other godparents except her? I may not be with his father but I am better than that level of pettiness.

@AlternativePerspective His father is welcome to take him on holiday but has so far chosen not to do so. If I don't take him, he doesn't go anywhere. And yes of course we've had dealings with the family, see above. Cards & presents both ways, occasional meet ups (constrained a bit by geography) both with and without DS6's father present, but mostly without.

@Bluntness100. No I do not "want back". That's why I have refused his invitations to spend my holiday with him at his house.

@mydogisthebestest Why did the reply to the sister need to be sent? Firstly, because as DC6's sole carer it's my responsibility to maintain reasonable contact/relations with his family on his behalf until he's old enough to do so himself. Secondly, because I suspected his father was not telling me the truth about what was said, and possibly even the real answer to whether or not we could stay.

@diverseopinions thank you, you don't come on MN for praise or compliments but I try hard not to screw things up for my kid just because he doesn't have two parents living together.

One of the most sensible and dignified posts about relations with the ex and family I've read on here.

Hold you're head up high

On the topic of the cottages I know my suggestion is totaly silly but I'd love to say find the nearest competitor cottage have a lovley holiday and witre a fantastic review but I may be a little bit more petty than you

@Stickystick

You are lovely and wonderful for putting energy into maintaining those relationships for your son’s sake.

The world needs more people with your attitude.

OP you are very smart.

Have a great holiday.

Your ex's family are weird.

@Stickystick you sound very reasonable to me. And I'm dying to know what the aunt said.

@Stickystick

You sound great.

I think the family are all 'deferring' to your ex.

Your open, positive, reasonable, child centred approach is flooring them.

Not sure where in the country you are but this place near my daughter's has plenty of August availability and is in the middle of a deer park, it's idyllic. Well done on attempting amicable relations with your exs family, much easier said than done (in my experience!!). www.stockgaylard.com/sawpit-wagon-in-dorset.asp

Their response is totally weird, OP. I cannot see any blunders on your part; you sound much nicer than any of them. I am afraid you will just need to steer clear of that really bizarre lot, which shouldn’t be difficult. I hope you get your holiday sorted.

You were not unreasonable to ask to rent her cottage.

She was not unreasonable to find it a bit awkward and prefer you didn’t rent her cottage. I think her reply was tactful. It was implicit that the request to rent a cottage was turned down. You would have to be very dense not to realise that from what she wrote (and you obviously aren’t).

The thing about AIBU is that the premise tends to assume that in any scenario one person is reasonable and the other is not. Whereas in real life, very often, both people are reasonable (just have different views on something). Or sometimes both are unreasonable!

But...where I think you were unreasonable was to email her again about it. Despite the fact that your words were polite enough this was somewhat hectoring her about her view of things. A different view of things to yours. But not a view that is, in my opinion, unreasonable. Or particularly strange. You have acknowledged that your email will not be well received. It absolutely “did not need to be sent”.

I should have added - I do hope you get a really good holiday somewhere for the 2 of you.

I'm just posting to say the OP sounds pretty reasonable and as if she is doing her best to be fair.

I have a family in which the children of divorced parents saw their father's siblings (uncles, aunts) all the time they were growing up, and in which said father's siblings were happy to ignore him and see their nephews and nieces without his involvement. Whether he kicked off about it or not.

Grandchildren/nephews/neices remain so, whether the parents divorce or not, and you continue to want to be part of their lives if you are an adult. As one paternal relative once put it to their mother, the ex-wife, 'we didn't divorce, did we?'

This idea of sending Christening invitations to a grandmother through her son instead of inviting her directly is so far beyond my ken, I might as well be on Mars.

Did the aunt get back to you or just blank you? Bizarre they are all in your ex’s thrall when they are all adults. Rest assured you’re the normal one!!

It’s definitely the ex and a little bit the sister. Given that , I would book somewhere as close to his sister as I could, contact her and say no worries about a recommendation, I’ve found this place. You’ve talked about how beautiful the area is so often and I couldn’t get it out of my head so I’m taking ds to (neighbours house). Would love to drop by or meet up in x town if there’s time, I know it’s probably busy period for you. I can’t wait to explore area with ds, he loves holidays . Gush away, ex will be ropable
Go on I would!!

Idiots. Choose somewhere else and don’t give it another thought.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood

You were not unreasonable to ask to rent her cottage.

She was not unreasonable to find it a bit awkward and prefer you didn’t rent her cottage. I think her reply was tactful. It was implicit that the request to rent a cottage was turned down. You would have to be very dense not to realise that from what she wrote (and you obviously aren’t).

The thing about AIBU is that the premise tends to assume that in any scenario one person is reasonable and the other is not. Whereas in real life, very often, both people are reasonable (just have different views on something). Or sometimes both are unreasonable!

But...where I think you were unreasonable was to email her again about it. Despite the fact that your words were polite enough this was somewhat hectoring her about her view of things. A different view of things to yours. But not a view that is, in my opinion, unreasonable. Or particularly strange. You have acknowledged that your email will not be well received. It absolutely “did not need to be sent”.

Yes great post. The Aunt doesn't sound weird or crazy etc, she's just not comfortable with it, it's her property, maybe she doesn't like the OP or maybe she feels it would be disloyal to her brother for whatever reason.

So what was the semi-enlightening reply, @Stickystick?

I am way too invested in this now.

What did the godmother/aunt reply? Subsequent updates indicated batshittery from your ex is the issue.

I must be very weird, then because I would feel exactly the same as your ex relative. I feel uncomfortable around all my family’s exes. It’s difficult to know what to say without mentioning your relative. But then, I am socially phobic and 90% sure I am on the autistic spectrum. I would also feel uncomfortable about charging the full rate. Sounds like she’s ignoring the situation in the hope that it will go away.

This is what the godmother/aunt replied (paraphrased v slightly for length). Interesting to know they aren’t there - rules out the theory they don’t want the imposition of having to be social with us. It’s still a bit evasive though... my instinct/the evidence/past form/motive all suggest this drama is DS6’s father’s little piece of handiwork, not the aunt.

Tagging those who particularly wanted to know what was said below.

”Dear SS
No worry about this. Would have been lovely to see DS6. Have been a bit busy lately with COVID protocols for the cottages. We aren’t going to be here in August as we are letting out our own house for the month. Maybe sometime next year DC6 could come. I hear all the holiday accommodation in the area is booked up already, but hope you find somewhere.

Love, Godmother”

Re relations with exes/family - over the years it has been very tempting to sink into pettiness, court battles, feuding, NC. I have had ample cause for all the above at various times, but my iron rules are: 1) no negativity about DS6’s father in front of DS6 2) focus on the long game - how will DS6 look back and see this when he’s older 3) others may be weird, I don’t have to be.

@Shhimtryingtosleep @Ponddering @3cats
@Elsewyre @motherofadog @intermittentparps @wendyhoused (batshittery )

@ncailleach - that actually sounds amazing, will pursue thank you.

Thanks for sharing, OP. Does look as though it's DS6’s father’s handiwork.

I notice she says 'sometime next year DS6 could come'. Does that mean that you wouldn't be welcome to join him? One wonders what his father has been telling his family about you...

I wouldn’t worry about it. It seems they have the wrong end of the stick. There are loads of great places to visit in the UK this summer. I’d just pick one and leave the ball in their court about any future visits.

@NamedyChangedy
I feel like an Egyptologist decoding hieroglyphics here, but my interpretation of that bit is that behind the scenes, DS6’s father intervened to say he was not happy with DS going unless he went with him (not that he’s ever taken the opportunity to go with him before, but anyway...) That was what put the aunt in an awkward position - not my original request, not the money issue, and not not wanting to have me/us on her doorstep. She can’t say “do both come” because he’s said no, but at the same time she’s his godmother and realises it would be very hostile to refuse to see DS6, so she’s picking her words very carefully and (I assume) hoping that his father does get his act together and organise a visit.