To think this is weird? Or have I majorly blundered?

[Stickystick]

Am single parent, one DC6. Fairly risk tolerant but cancelled our holiday abroad this summer because breathing recycled air cheek by jowl with 400 randoms on a plane for hours seemed a bad idea...

However poor DC6 has been cooped up in our little flat for months now, not getting much exercise or fresh air, and I have been trying to think of somewhere affordable where we haven’t been before that we could drive to for a week’s adventure. Then I remembered his godmother (also his father’s sister) has some land in a remote part of England with a few holiday cottages on it - very socially distanced, lots of nature. I could see from their website that they had availability in August, so I wrote to her and asked if we could rent one of the cottages for a week - paying full market price, naturally, because I didn’t want her to think she had to turn down paying guests to make room for us.

Her reply was odd though - was perfectly polite, said “would be lovely to see DC6 at some point” and didn’t answer the “can we please book” question at all.

I left it for a couple of weeks thinking maybe more was coming/they were waiting to see what happened with Government rules, but radio silence.

So I just mentioned it to my DC6’s dad (her brother), with whom I am on amicable terms, thinking maybe he could put in a word.

He said, rather grimly “Ah yes, I heard about that.”

He went on to say that my request was totally weird and put his sister in a very awkward position. He said, why would you pick their cottages out of all the other holiday destinations in the country? He said that DC6 is “family” (implication being that I am not) and it would be totally bizarre for DC6 to be staying on their land as a paying guest. If DC6 were to go, it should be with him (DC6’s dad) as he is the connection between DC6 and his aunt, and it would be downright weird for DC6 to be there otherwise.

I am puzzled and a bit hurt by this - I wouldn’t say we are madly close to the aunt as she lives a fair way away, and DC6 and I are not part of mass family gatherings (not that there are many) as I am not with his father, but I think our interactions have always been very respectful and polite, presents sent, thank you letters written etc. I don’t think it would be weird at all to be a paying guest on her land - I can afford the rent and IMO it would be CF-ery to be anything else (ie expecting a freebie, inviting ourselves to stay in their own house etc). I thought of their cottages because it’s an area I don’t know, and she always mentions the wonderful nature whenever she writes to us: I think DC6 would love it.

Was my request unreasonable? Or have I committed a genuine faux pas? Is there anything that can be done?

But it needed to be sent

Op it really didn’t. I mean seriously it really didn’t.

What’s going on here. Do you want back with him? Why are you trying to get in with his family?

The op says

The only bit that isn’t quite right is that I actually said we were on amicable terms now. I would never describe the split as amicable - not Depp/Heard level badness, but definitely not a conscious decoupling. I’d describe my attitude towards him now as polite, child-focused, realistic and vigilant. But in this case, not vigilant enough, clearly.

That’s not what I’d call amicable.

@Bluntness100

But it needed to be sent

Op it really didn’t. I mean seriously it really didn’t.

What’s going on here. Do you want back with him? Why are you trying to get in with his family?

I agree with this 100%

God how weird. Them not you.

Your son's paternal grandmother didn't come to his christening, and said she would be washing her hair?

Does your son have any relationship with his father's family, or has his father forbidden them to have anything to do with him?

What an oddball!

Right now I would be over the moon for any business, even at half price!! You did absolutely nothing wrong in asking...your ex's family are a bunch of nutters though!!

Make sure you book with a competitor and have a lovely time! x

Hmm I can actually see her point and you did put her in an awkward position - if it got out to other family members that she’d charged you, they might have said she was tight, as she’d never charge her parents/brother. But equally if she gave you a discount she could be losing much-needed income. Then if she didn’t meet up with you, that would be odd and cold, but if she did meet up with you, it’s odd that DC is visiting her with you rather than with their dad. Think you probably should have checked with ExH before requesting to book this one, OP. It’s like your trying to force yourself on ex’s family without an invite.

Have only read OP's updates rather than whole thread but yes, this is weird, whole family sounds weird. I think you've had a lucky escape!

Hope you and your DC find somewhere suitable and have a lovely holiday.

YANBU..... why would your DS holiday without you?

I don't know where you are in the country but Richardsons in Hemsby (outside Great Yarmouth) have plenty of availability with their chalets and caravans and it's a lovely little off the cuff holiday with plenty to keep.you both entertained, they even have fireworks on the beach in the summer and PYO strawbs.

It's quite reasonably priced, under £400 for a few days and just over £600 for the week.

We've had to move our Spanish hols to next year so we're going to Hemsby for a week as an alternative.

They are very weird.

It is a little odd on their part on the face of it but maybe there is a vital piece of info they know and you don’t. Obviously the aunt, however misguidedly, feels you have somehow put her in an awkward position. Maybe she thinks she couldn’t accept your offer of full market rate and that she is being manoeuvred into giving you a free holiday? I know that’s not what you’re doing, but she might think it. Or is she worried your staying with her could be interpreted as somehow she is siding with you against her brother? Or that you are trying to get back with him via her? Not saying you are, just that she might think it.
I am close to my niece and get on well with my ex SIL, her mum, but am very wary of upsetting her dad, my brother. He is super sensitive if he feels any of our side of the family are siding with his ex.

YANBU..... why would your DS holiday without you? erm, perhaps because he has a father he could holiday with?

TBH I think it depends on a lot of things. Have you ever contacted this aunt before since you split with your ex?

I think I would actually find it a bit strange if my family member’s ex and child came to stay and they weren’t a part of that, given that they are the family member, iyswim.

I have an excellent relationship with my ex PIL, and that kind of thing wouldn’t be an issue on either side. But I wouldn’t ask the same thing about other family members of his, not because we’ve fallen out, but because we haven’t had anything to do with each other since me and ex split up.

Given that none of us really knows the ins and outs of your split it’s impossible to know why a family member might feel awkward with you staying on their property. If the split was e.g. that there was fault on both sides then they would naturally side with their family member, and agreeing to have an ex staying there, even if it was as a paying customer, would be awkward. IMO

She's his godmother and you are his resident parent. She's beyond weird that she doesn't want him to visit when he's with you. DS's father is also weird that he doesn't think her behaviour's weird.
Find somewhere else to go. You're better off giving it a wide birth.

Your sons Aunt is the weird one here and I wouldn’t think about it again. Leave her to it and book somewhere nice for you and your son. Enjoy

@Bluntness100... you make a really good point, I had the sister pegged for being a bit odd but she could've mentioned it to the brotherex and he's being the awkward one.

I guess my point was, the op'er shouldn't feel like she did something odd in asking the sister if she could stay, as that action itself wasn't bad etiquette in any way (in my opinion).

Sorry that was meant to say brother / ex

I have to say I'm a bit surprised that so many people agree with the OP on this one.

Also, whoever mentioned holiday home letters should be grateful of the business in these times, I'm not sure what its like in the UK but here in Ireland because of travelling abroad restrictions more people than ever are "staycationing" its hard to get a decent place atm

She probably thinks it's awkward taking money for a blood relative, her nephew and Godson to stay on her land. Maybe she thinks that you do in fact expect a freebie. Also, would Godson be spending time with her and therefore you? Or maybe she feels she has to offer a freebie but doesn't want to. I can see how it might be awkward. I think YANBU though.

Fuck me - why are people so weird?!?! Urgh. YANBU

I wasn't going to add to this thread, except maybe to share the semi-enlightening reply I've had from the aunt, but...some of these comments are so presumptuous about the correct level of bitterness that exes should deploy that I want to address them:

@Cadent. Seriously. You think I shouldn't have invited DC6's (very religious) grandmother to his christening, as if she were the Wicked Fairy in Sleeping Beauty? And I should refuse to return Christmas cards, or to write thank you letters for the Christmas presents his aunts send me personally? Or to make DC6 write thank you letters for his Christmas and birthday gifts to all his other godparents except her? I may not be with his father but I am better than that level of pettiness.

@AlternativePerspective His father is welcome to take him on holiday but has so far chosen not to do so. If I don't take him, he doesn't go anywhere. And yes of course we've had dealings with the family, see above. Cards & presents both ways, occasional meet ups (constrained a bit by geography) both with and without DS6's father present, but mostly without.

@Bluntness100. No I do not "want back". That's why I have refused his invitations to spend my holiday with him at his house.

@mydogisthebestest Why did the reply to the sister need to be sent? Firstly, because as DC6's sole carer it's my responsibility to maintain reasonable contact/relations with his family on his behalf until he's old enough to do so himself. Secondly, because I suspected his father was not telling me the truth about what was said, and possibly even the real answer to whether or not we could stay.

@diverseopinions thank you, you don't come on MN for praise or compliments but I try hard not to screw things up for my kid just because he doesn't have two parents living together.

@Cadent. Seriously. You think I shouldn't have invited DC6's (very religious) grandmother to his christening, as if she were the Wicked Fairy in Sleeping Beauty? And I should refuse to return Christmas cards, or to write thank you letters for the Christmas presents his aunts send me personally? Or to make DC6 write thank you letters for his Christmas and birthday gifts to all his other godparents except her? I may not be with his father but I am better than that level of pettiness.

Yes, I think you shouldn’t have invited his family. Was ex at the christening? If yes he could have invited his family if he wanted to. This is borne out by her rude declining of your invitation.

Firstly, because as DC6's sole carer it's my responsibility to maintain reasonable contact/relations with his family on his behalf until he's old enough to do so himself.

No, it isn’t. It’s his responsibility. How many rebuffs will you take from his family? First his grandmother now his sister.

And thank you letters should be organised by your ex, not you.

@Cadent

And thank you letters should be organised by your ex, not you.

I don't need AIBU to know that it would be highly unreasonable and inappropriate to expect my ex to write thank you letters on my behalf to his sisters for Christmas presents they directly sent to me personally (not their nephew). .

What was her reply?

I can fully understand why you’re confused by this whole thing op.

On one hand he’s inviting you to his home because he wishes to get back with you, and you can’t go because you don’t wish to,,but on the other hand he is acting like he wishes you to fuck off as far as possible and making it clear you’re not family and not welcome.

He wants his kid and you to come stay, and to make decisions and be involved as the family link between him and his family, but On the other hand you’re the sole carer, so he never even cares for his child so would never do that anyway.

I think it’s best just to book somewhere else for a holiday and leave the sister out of it, as sad as that is for your son, because this man sounds really messed up and the sister isn’t willing to develop a relationship without his involvement.