To think this is weird? Or have I majorly blundered?

[Stickystick]

Am single parent, one DC6. Fairly risk tolerant but cancelled our holiday abroad this summer because breathing recycled air cheek by jowl with 400 randoms on a plane for hours seemed a bad idea...

However poor DC6 has been cooped up in our little flat for months now, not getting much exercise or fresh air, and I have been trying to think of somewhere affordable where we haven’t been before that we could drive to for a week’s adventure. Then I remembered his godmother (also his father’s sister) has some land in a remote part of England with a few holiday cottages on it - very socially distanced, lots of nature. I could see from their website that they had availability in August, so I wrote to her and asked if we could rent one of the cottages for a week - paying full market price, naturally, because I didn’t want her to think she had to turn down paying guests to make room for us.

Her reply was odd though - was perfectly polite, said “would be lovely to see DC6 at some point” and didn’t answer the “can we please book” question at all.

I left it for a couple of weeks thinking maybe more was coming/they were waiting to see what happened with Government rules, but radio silence.

So I just mentioned it to my DC6’s dad (her brother), with whom I am on amicable terms, thinking maybe he could put in a word.

He said, rather grimly “Ah yes, I heard about that.”

He went on to say that my request was totally weird and put his sister in a very awkward position. He said, why would you pick their cottages out of all the other holiday destinations in the country? He said that DC6 is “family” (implication being that I am not) and it would be totally bizarre for DC6 to be staying on their land as a paying guest. If DC6 were to go, it should be with him (DC6’s dad) as he is the connection between DC6 and his aunt, and it would be downright weird for DC6 to be there otherwise.

I am puzzled and a bit hurt by this - I wouldn’t say we are madly close to the aunt as she lives a fair way away, and DC6 and I are not part of mass family gatherings (not that there are many) as I am not with his father, but I think our interactions have always been very respectful and polite, presents sent, thank you letters written etc. I don’t think it would be weird at all to be a paying guest on her land - I can afford the rent and IMO it would be CF-ery to be anything else (ie expecting a freebie, inviting ourselves to stay in their own house etc). I thought of their cottages because it’s an area I don’t know, and she always mentions the wonderful nature whenever she writes to us: I think DC6 would love it.

Was my request unreasonable? Or have I committed a genuine faux pas? Is there anything that can be done?

Him wanting you to come stay with him instead is what’s weird!

It’s not like you were asking to rent her holiday home - you said she rents “cottages”.

Anyway, I’d write her and tell her your ex told you she felt awkward and let her know it’s not big deal. “If we end up your area I’ll let you know so you can spend time with DC if you like.”

Depends, if she perceives you to be the reason for the break up of her brother's marriage it might answer her awkwardness. My brother's partner really left him heartbroken when she left him and I certainly wouldn't want to be having any dealings with her any more. But if you're not the reason for the breakup then I don't know what her problem is.

@babyroobs It is an enormous piece of land. Can’t say more without being outing, but the sort you could very easily disappear on for a day (or more). They have a big house on it and then there are 3-4 cottages scattered about within maybe a half a mile radius. I have always had the impression that people who really like solitude like to go there - it is very remote, you can go off for very long walks or birdwatching or other activities without bumping into anyone. It was only supposed to be for a week - I had perhaps naively assumed that we/DC6 might see them once or twice and the rest of the time we would keep ourselves to ourselves and go exploring, which would suit me just fine. I had even more naively assumed that they might even WELCOME seeing DC6 and me once or twice, as it is so remote and they don’t have much company.

@Disco91

So another angle.... Maybe be that with Coronavirus she hasn’t been able to take bookings as usual so her incomes down this year, then you’ve said your looking to come and as much as she would like you to come and offer a discount, she’s not financially able to so it’s put her in a pickle. August is also the most expensive time of the year (bar Christmas and new year) so again giving you a discount would mean more loss to her?

That's what I was going to say.

I would feel awkward as hell if my ex sister in law emailed about my business.
Personally, I would hate to charge full price, but at the same time, not want to lose out on the income.
No matter how amicable you and ex are, she would probably prefer to see her nephew with his dad.

I see where she's coming from, but I think she could have handled it better.

@TimeWastingButFun Nope, we weren’t married. In fact he was previously married to someone else his whole family considered (not unfairly) an evil nutter. By comparison I look like Mother Teresa.

Thing is, he doesn’t spend any time with his son. So by you bring the only one to bring your son into his family’s orbit, it really underlines the fact that he doesn’t do that. It’s hard to put a spin on not seeing his child that’s positive for him. So - he wants to avoid you making it even more obvious that he doesn’t see his son. Especially if he’s doing some crap (like your son not being independent and clinging to you, for example) which your visit might show to be bollocks.

I expect when you said it was an “amicable” split that you were using the time honoured code word for: my ex is a complete cock but I’m always very surface polite to him for the sake of our child

Then I remembered his godmother (also his father’s sister)

Perhaps no more weird than you seemingly wanting to avoid saying the word auntie or aunt. It's a bit clunky saying you "remembered his godmother (also his father's sister)".

I would have just said I remembered his aunt!

There's some funny folk, aren't there?

She either thought you were after a freebie or has this strange loyalty to the 'family'. I'm not sure why she couldn't have been honest with you or at least said they were fully booked. What a bizarre woman. At least you know where you stand now and you can book somewhere else. I woild message her and say that I think she's weird and I'll take my money elsewhere. You're probably a much more rational person than me though.

Perhaps no more weird than you seemingly wanting to avoid saying the word auntie or aunt. It's a bit clunky saying you "remembered his godmother (also his father's sister)".

That has been very odd - it's her child's auntie, her ex's sister, I dunno why it's been expressed in such convoluted ways.

I think YANBU but families can be strange and people can be strange about money, and you have got a combination of both here. I would just book somewhere else. If you think you should do something to smooth it over, write something brief to her that you are sorry you put her in a difficult position and you just wanted a break etc. as you wrote in your OP, and that you have booked somewhere else.

i think it's lovely that you want to support a family member's business (you are family, whatever she may think, you are connected by your child)

Frankly I'd be inclined to say "fine, I'll give my money to someone else you obvs don't need it"

Just go somewhere else. They don’t want you as part of their family. Life’s too short.

@ellisandra Do we know each other?!? Do you know him? Are you, in fact, him???

Agree with virtually everything you say. Had not thought of all that, but yes, you are right.

The only bit that isn’t quite right is that I actually said we were on amicable terms now. I would never describe the split as amicable - not Depp/Heard level badness, but definitely not a conscious decoupling. I’d describe my attitude towards him now as polite, child-focused, realistic and vigilant. But in this case, not vigilant enough, clearly.

They’re both super weird and presumably that’s why you’re not with him any more.

Fwiw I have a small cottage down in Devon if you want a week away. I could try and fit you in somewhere.

@category12 @003point5 Personally I think being someone’s godmother is more of a big deal than being just one of his many, many aunts. It was actually my suggestion to ask her to be DC6’s godmother - hence why I felt a bit hurt.
I said “father’s sister” rather than just “aunt” so it was clear it was not my sister, or my brother’s wife, or his father’s brother’s wife, because that is pertinent to the situation. Nor could I say SIL because we weren’t married.

@tatianabis thanks! That reminds me of Noel Streatfeild’s Apple Bough, where they were always going off for lovely holidays in “Devonshire”! Have you got a link?

If she were simply a mate of your ex it would be odd, but the fact that she’s aunt and godmother makes it even odder. Why wouldn’t she want the opportunity to see her nephew/godson and help out his mum?

I’d find another godparent.

I can’t link it here, but I can PM you a link.

@Stickystick sorry but I think your ex is a liar. I don't believe she's said anything of the sort to him OP. She's got in touch with him to check if he's alright with the arrangement before she accepts your booking- he's kicked off and told you both no. If I were you, I'd either, get someone else to book it for you online, or, send her an email thanking her for responding and make out you've not spoken to your ex at al, and ask when you can come and how to pay. Ignore ex who is still controlling you. Your former sisIL said it would be lovely to see your DS, so go. Don't put your ex in the middle anymore, he's your ex OP.

The Aunt probably feels in an awkward position in that if she charges you that’s a bit tight given he’s her Nephew and if she lets you have it for free she loses a weeks rental income.

I think this is spot on. She doesn’t want you as her guest, but would feel mean to charge you. So she just feels a bit awkward and has dodged the question....

Another vote for they’re are being TOTALLY weird about your totally reasonable message. What is wrong with them?!

What a weird reaction on the side.

Their side

Sent x

If that's the case @NataliaOsipova then surely the godmother would lie about no availability suddenly, or would simply ignore the email and make out she never got it. The ex knows, which means she spoke to him about it, and I still think the ex is the only person here with a problem with this, he feels it's his sister and his son and is a control freak! He won't allow OP to take his so there without him.