To think this is weird? Or have I majorly blundered?

[Stickystick]

Am single parent, one DC6. Fairly risk tolerant but cancelled our holiday abroad this summer because breathing recycled air cheek by jowl with 400 randoms on a plane for hours seemed a bad idea...

However poor DC6 has been cooped up in our little flat for months now, not getting much exercise or fresh air, and I have been trying to think of somewhere affordable where we haven’t been before that we could drive to for a week’s adventure. Then I remembered his godmother (also his father’s sister) has some land in a remote part of England with a few holiday cottages on it - very socially distanced, lots of nature. I could see from their website that they had availability in August, so I wrote to her and asked if we could rent one of the cottages for a week - paying full market price, naturally, because I didn’t want her to think she had to turn down paying guests to make room for us.

Her reply was odd though - was perfectly polite, said “would be lovely to see DC6 at some point” and didn’t answer the “can we please book” question at all.

I left it for a couple of weeks thinking maybe more was coming/they were waiting to see what happened with Government rules, but radio silence.

So I just mentioned it to my DC6’s dad (her brother), with whom I am on amicable terms, thinking maybe he could put in a word.

He said, rather grimly “Ah yes, I heard about that.”

He went on to say that my request was totally weird and put his sister in a very awkward position. He said, why would you pick their cottages out of all the other holiday destinations in the country? He said that DC6 is “family” (implication being that I am not) and it would be totally bizarre for DC6 to be staying on their land as a paying guest. If DC6 were to go, it should be with him (DC6’s dad) as he is the connection between DC6 and his aunt, and it would be downright weird for DC6 to be there otherwise.

I am puzzled and a bit hurt by this - I wouldn’t say we are madly close to the aunt as she lives a fair way away, and DC6 and I are not part of mass family gatherings (not that there are many) as I am not with his father, but I think our interactions have always been very respectful and polite, presents sent, thank you letters written etc. I don’t think it would be weird at all to be a paying guest on her land - I can afford the rent and IMO it would be CF-ery to be anything else (ie expecting a freebie, inviting ourselves to stay in their own house etc). I thought of their cottages because it’s an area I don’t know, and she always mentions the wonderful nature whenever she writes to us: I think DC6 would love it.

Was my request unreasonable? Or have I committed a genuine faux pas? Is there anything that can be done?

I’d just tell her what you’ve said here; you chose it as you’ve never been and remembered her saying how nice it is, and your offer to pay was because you didn’t want to fiddle them out of income they’d otherwise have received.

You know, I would write to her again. First apologising for apparently throwing the cat among the pigeons which was not your intention. Assure her that you chose there because it was an area you didn't know, that you wanted a holiday with ds, and that yes, you had thought it would be nice for both you and ds to see her but you would only do that on her terms and you certainly wouldn't be knocking on her door every day.

Tell her that you and ex are fairly amicable these days you had hoped to help ds reconnect with more members of his family which is only in his best interests. However, as already stated, you would not impose on her, and the booking would be done through the website with all that that entails. Unless she indicates otherwise you will assume that you and ds are just another set of holiday makers renting a cottage in the middle of nowhere and will make no demands which are inconsistent with that.

I do think it's sad when children miss out on knowing their wider family because a parent has decided that they won't allow contact supervised by the other parent when they themselves make no effort to bring theirown child into their bigger family.

Surely it's in the best interests of the child to have as many adults they can rely on and go to in times of need as is possible. Especially if they're an only child.

I am filled with regret because I have a huge, and delightful, family, and I really wanted dd to grow up with them - ie visits between families every year, dropping in when in the area etc. DH however felt very differently. I still don't understand it.

Sorry but I can absolutely see why you ex SIL would feel awkward about having you and her nephew there as paying guests. It would be so weird for her nephew to be in one of her holiday cottages and only see him once or twice over a whole week.... wouldn’t it be a bit weird for him as well, wondering why he’s sort of visiting his auntie but not really visiting her, can’t actually go into her house etc?? And visiting his dad’s sister but not with his dad, instead with his mum who’s not really friends with her....? Completely an awkward situation

"But I don't want her to come and stay It's a good job that isn't what the OP is suggesting then since she would be staying in one of several cottages they own.
we'd have little or nothing to talk about. Thankfully this wouldn't be an issue since the aunt would be at home and the OP would be in her rented cottage."

In the same grounds as her home. Unless I've read it wrong the OP wants to stay as a fully paid guest in her (large) garden. The op herself said she'd imagined part of the time with the Aunt and part doing their own thing!

That said, she could have handled it a lot more maturely and nicely

I can see why she thinks it's awkward, so I wouldn't have contacted her separately; just booked on the website without saying anything, and maybe later (or even when you arrive) let her know you're there if she wants to see your child.

Then it's a fait accompli and she doesn't feel pressured to say you can stay for free (which I know wasn't your intent).

@youllhavehadyourtea I think garden is more likely to be a 1000 acre estate.

I think that it would have been different if the cottage was not so near the family home - say, a Cornish cottage owned by an aunt/godmother who lives in London. But your thought, OP, is so very child-centred and thoughtful that anyone can see how lovely it would be for DC and his dad to chat about their experiences in the grounds and the wildlife they've seen there.

[quote Wallywobbles]@youllhavehadyourtea I think garden is more likely to be a 1000 acre estate. [/quote]
@wallywobbles

I just looked it up. It’s actually....very considerably bigger than that.

Definitely not a “large garden”.

Yes OP and @Wallywobbles

My point was it is on the land she also lives on. And the OP was hoping to spend some time with them but pay full going rates and therefore would also be a "customer".

The customer/visitor and personal/professional lines would be completely blurred by this arrangement and that is what makes it awkward.

I don't think it's got anything to do with money. She knows what her brother really thinks about you and she feels awkward. In her eyes it's her brother's child she's godmother to and that's the relationship she'll favour.

I thought if something else:

He might be the type to throw a complete fit if anyone in his family is nice to you. So instead of his sister getting caught up in it, she asked his permission.

@HannaYeah, I think that’s more or less what happened. It’s also occurred to me (I’d forgotten this) that when I sent an invitation for his christening to DC6’s paternal grandmother, I got a similar ish reply. Something like, “have a blessed life little baby, sorry I’m not coming because I’m washing my hair that day”. I think they all defer to him as the man in the family & don’t want to upset him.

I could have asked his permission about the cottage first I suppose, but not sure it would have yielded a better result. And, frankly, why the hell should I ask his permission - I’m not his family and why should he decide where I spend my holidays?

OP if you don't want to straighten things out direct with your son's Godmother/aunt I would book to stay elsewhere in the area and then ask if aunt is free for visit etc if you do want to her her.

I think this is a weird response from aunt and from your child's father. Aunt agreed to be Godmother so has an independent relationship with child as well as being a blood relative.

So if she is acting weird that's odd but maybe your child's dad is the one acting weird and projecting his weirdness on the situation.

Either way, where you holiday is up to you.

Your Ex is right it is weird, book somewhere else and forget about it.

Surely she should just have said so if she doesn’t want to, rather than making you guess.

She’s made you lose time that you could have spent finding somewhere else.

I do think it's a little bit weird (sorry) It probably would make her feel a bit like she would have to entertain you because her nephew is there and a bit odd to have to charge you as well.

I can see the issue here actually.

She would have her nephew there and she clearly wouldn’t wish to charge for that, as it would be like a family visit and obviously expect to spend time with him, as such, I’d also ask my brother his thoughts and if he was ok with it.

Clearly he is not, and I suspect you already knew he wouldn’t be, as did the sister, which is why she asked him and why you didn’t tell him.

Pick another place, as he said there are many destinations you can go that are not his families.

I guess DS is rather young to appreciate the significance of it being his family home on his dad's side, and at least any awkwardness over this won't be noted by him. He is so lucky having a mum who is positive, unpetty, and puts his experiences first. On a humorous note - it is a bit like Elizabeth Bennet visiting Darcy's place as a tourist - in Pride and Prejudice, lol, although different circumstances, and maybe there are other reasons, such as the cottages aren't kept in good nick for visitors, and aunt would be embarrassed for a family member to see them. Who knows, but all petty on father's side .

Does he still have a thing for you? I just can’t imagine why he’d suggest you come stay with him! That’s kind of creepy to me.

I know some parents have that kind of relationship/ I have a friend whose divorced parents come visit her together for long weekends. But I find it odd.

lanthanum has the perfect response. They're weird and rude so I wouldn't give it another thought.

Definitely weird on the sister's part. If all is amicable between you and your ex then there should be no issue, and you were being decent offering to pay, and she gets to see her nephew. Everyone is a winner surely? If she thought it odd you paying then she just needed to say so.

I'm sensing the sister is a big old drama queen and will twist the most pleasant and reasonable of exchanges to present drama as she's bored?

I do think her response was a bit odd but have tried to imagine it from her point of view. Maybe she would have felt obliged to have you over, go the extra mile and is concerned if you have complaints. It wouldn’t be an issue for me but perhaps for some.

If all is amicable between you and your ex then there should be no issue

There is no sister in the world who has a decent enough relationship with her sibling wouldn’t tell them that their son and his ex had asked to visit.and to check there was no issue.

I suspect the ops definition of amicable is maybe only at surface level, because her ex does clearly object strongly and the sister knew enough to tell him. Past that everything else is what he has said to the op, the sister has said nothing to thr op directly. He’s told her it’s not right. She’s not family if anyone goes it would be him, and that she should go elsewhere not to his sisters.

And I think thr op knew that.

OMG stop emailing her! Not sure why you asked her for suggestions on where to stay after her cold response.

And stop sending invitations to the grandmother or anyone on his family. No thank you notes, no calls, nothing. Let your ex facilitate contact in his time if he wants to.