To think this is weird? Or have I majorly blundered?

[Stickystick]

Am single parent, one DC6. Fairly risk tolerant but cancelled our holiday abroad this summer because breathing recycled air cheek by jowl with 400 randoms on a plane for hours seemed a bad idea...

However poor DC6 has been cooped up in our little flat for months now, not getting much exercise or fresh air, and I have been trying to think of somewhere affordable where we haven’t been before that we could drive to for a week’s adventure. Then I remembered his godmother (also his father’s sister) has some land in a remote part of England with a few holiday cottages on it - very socially distanced, lots of nature. I could see from their website that they had availability in August, so I wrote to her and asked if we could rent one of the cottages for a week - paying full market price, naturally, because I didn’t want her to think she had to turn down paying guests to make room for us.

Her reply was odd though - was perfectly polite, said “would be lovely to see DC6 at some point” and didn’t answer the “can we please book” question at all.

I left it for a couple of weeks thinking maybe more was coming/they were waiting to see what happened with Government rules, but radio silence.

So I just mentioned it to my DC6’s dad (her brother), with whom I am on amicable terms, thinking maybe he could put in a word.

He said, rather grimly “Ah yes, I heard about that.”

He went on to say that my request was totally weird and put his sister in a very awkward position. He said, why would you pick their cottages out of all the other holiday destinations in the country? He said that DC6 is “family” (implication being that I am not) and it would be totally bizarre for DC6 to be staying on their land as a paying guest. If DC6 were to go, it should be with him (DC6’s dad) as he is the connection between DC6 and his aunt, and it would be downright weird for DC6 to be there otherwise.

I am puzzled and a bit hurt by this - I wouldn’t say we are madly close to the aunt as she lives a fair way away, and DC6 and I are not part of mass family gatherings (not that there are many) as I am not with his father, but I think our interactions have always been very respectful and polite, presents sent, thank you letters written etc. I don’t think it would be weird at all to be a paying guest on her land - I can afford the rent and IMO it would be CF-ery to be anything else (ie expecting a freebie, inviting ourselves to stay in their own house etc). I thought of their cottages because it’s an area I don’t know, and she always mentions the wonderful nature whenever she writes to us: I think DC6 would love it.

Was my request unreasonable? Or have I committed a genuine faux pas? Is there anything that can be done?

Why would you write to her asking to book?

Why wouldn't you just use the booking mechanism on their site?

As far as I can see they are weird . You are not .

Surely the aunt could say "I don't want to intrude on your holiday in anyway so shall we set aside a few hours one afternoon and go and get some ice cream/go to the park/whatever

This would be intruding on the holiday though.
The OP and sister don't meet in person or invite each other to family events as they don't have that type of a relationship so I can see how the Aunt would feel uncomfortable by not wanting to intrude but then also not seeing her nephew who's close by.

I think OP's weird to want to holiday at ex-SILs.

In divorces/splits people pick sides. She’s on your ex’s side and she thinks it would be weird to have you there.

I can kinda see her point.

Get your ex to take your wee boy to her cottage and you book somewhere else.

Weird response on her part/his part.
If she wasn't happy with you staying then she could have said that sorry she wasn't taking more bookings or made some other excuse.
If she didn't feel it was right for you to pay then she could have said so.

Why can't people just communicate in plain words any longer?
(not you, OP)

And no harm but you are not their family any more. You’re split up from her brother.

Well maybe, but as a rule, family choose their family member's side. Why do people need to take sides? She's still the mother of their grandchild.

Having the ex all cosied up in their holiday home is awkward. What? Why?! Did the OP invite them to join her? Surely where there are children involved most ex's would just be pleased their child was getting treated to a lovely holiday with their other parent?

In theory it shouldn't be an issue but in reality it is a bit uncomfortable.

From her POV she is on her brother's 'side' and I can't imagine it's all so amicable that he hasn't told her everything you've ever done to him (true or not) there's the discount thing, and the spending time with your nephew but not necessarily with you.

Either way, everyone on here can tell you it's fine but they've made it clear it's not and they are the co-parent/cottage owner. Find somewhere else and have a lovely time away from all the politics of ex in laws

I kinda see her point to be honest, you have put her in a bit of an awkward situation where she either has to charge full rate when her child relative is staying there which may not sit well with her but you are the ex of her brother and she is therefore not minded to give you a discount when she could receive full rate. Whether your intention was to pay full price or not is irrelevant. I wouldn’t have done it but I massively overthink things though!

Plus the OP and her son's dad would have the peace of nind that they were holidaying somewhere safe and would know they could trust the owner.

Sunrise234 Ok well the aunt could simply say either to let her know if they had any free time or just say nothing and arrange to see the son via his dad. It's nothing to get in a tizz over (but I forgot this is MN where anything other than a formal letter to ask permission for a phone call in two weeks time is considered intruding 🤣 )

I think the aunt was just over thinking it a bit.

I can see how some people would not want their brother’s ex to bring nieces/nephews to their holiday cottages and would prefer brother to. I can see why some would feel awkward taking your money but also not really want to give you a discount. Equally I can see lots of people not caring and either being happy to give you the same discounted/free experience they’d offer their brother or take your money as a regular guest.

Either way, I don’t think you were weird for asking and I think the aunt has made a bigger deal of it than she should have, but I don’t think she’s rude for refusing you, either.

Why do people need to take sides? She's still the mother
People often feel they have to. If the break-up is messy, if their relative is angry or bitter about the ex, then associating with the ex can be a source of conflict.

What? Why?! Did the OP invite them to join her? Surely where there are children involved most ex's would just be pleased their child was getting treated to a lovely holiday with their other parent? In an ideal world, sure. but in a world where people have messy lives and motivations, it can be uncomfortable and it might look like they're taking the ex's side instead of their relative's. Or they might feel like the ex is trying to put them in the middle of it.

Very rude of her not to reply. She could have said, she found it awkward to take money for her nephew's holiday, but couldn't afford to lose out on a paying guest, or whatever the reason.

I'm fairly socially inept, but even I would have managed to reply.

@ellisandra @Jaxhog I can’t take your £10 bet - I think (sadly) you are right. He got to her. Incidentally, his next sentence after this little speech was to tell me he thinks that if DC6 and I want a holiday we should go and stay with HIM in HIS house in the country. No, no, no, triple no.

@scubasteven Yes

@Jennifer2r @Gogogadgetarms I could have just gone via their website, but it’s one of those where you just send an enquiry form. So they would have known it was me before deciding whether to accept the booking. And no doubt they would have thought THAT was weird too, using the website rather than just writing personally.

@youhave4substitutes. The point is that I want a holiday with my son. Plus who knows whether his dad will ever get round to taking him.

@AnneOfQueenSables There’s no way I would agree not to pay. I would leave the cash under the breadbin if I had to. I can afford it, they know I can afford it. But even if I didn’t pay, I don’t think anyone would “know” except the two of us.

You can't do right for doing wrong with some people.

I would send DilemmaADay's response and then book something else.

If DC6 were to go, it should be with him (DC6’s dad)
Great, so he'll be making plans to take DC there himself then? No, thought not.

From her POV she is on her brother's 'side' and I can't imagine it's all so amicable that he hasn't told her everything you've ever done to him (true or not) My ex cheated on me whilst I was pregnant then I went into labour early and he cheated again during his parental leave therefore I left and became a single parent whilst very ill 3 weeks pp. My family hate him but would still be civil where if concerned our child together because they're decent people.

His family actually supported me and we still have a very close relationship. His dad has a new girlfriend (who is a million times nicer than him and I get along great with her) but that hasn't taken anything away from my relationship with his family. I have 95% care and they obviously wanted to maintain a relationship with our child.

More people should try harder to have at least civil relationships with the child's parents if they are expecting to be part of the child life. If nothing else but to try and ensure the child doesn't pick up on the negative vibes.

If everyone stopped acting like the above was impossible we may get somewhere. We expect our children to move on when they fall out with their friends don't we? Yet too many are not modelling that behaviour.

Book somewhere in the same area (as that’s the area you fancied going) give them a lovely 5star review and move on. Sil is being weird. I wouldn’t even make time to see her as you are not family anymore, your ex can arrange that when he takes your DS to stay there.

WaterOffADucksCrack yes but either way it is making it awkward for her and she might not know what to do for the best or not want to upset anybody etc. OP might not have wanted her spending time with them on their family holiday or she could have felt that it was rude that the sister didn't come and spend time with them.
I don't think she's getting in a tizz, more that she doesn't want to be in the middle of OP and the ex. If the OP just booked a different holiday home then there would be no issue.

It is s bit awkward. If you are paying in full why choose those particular ones. She probably assumed you were after a freebie. But you were not. The request probably would have been better coming from his Dad. Why didn't you approach him first to ask his sister.

Yeah by writing to her I bet she thought you were angling for a discount despite what you said in the email.

They are the weird ones.

Book one of their local competitors and have a great time.

Does she live on site, I can see how it might be awkward for her if she thinks maybe she needs to spend time with your son, or entertain you, I know that's not what you would want but maybe she thinks she should?

Dear relative by association, thank you for your quick response, very grateful as I need to book early for DC and I. We are so looking forward to visiting the area you have told us so much about. We've been lucky to book with a MAJOR AND MORE EXPENSIVE competitor nearby. Perhaps you'll have time to see us? DC would love that, perhaps you could let me know as we have booked excursions on 5 of the 7 days we will be there. Hope to hear from you soon.