To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

A lot of your resentment seems to come from how you felt compared unfavourably to your sister. I get this - I had it too, from teachers, from my dad. But that is not your sister's fault.

I can't understand at all your bile towards your sister for starting a career she didn't like (teaching) then finding one she loved and regarded as a vocation. She clearly couldn't care hands-on for your parents when she lived overseas. Your dismissal of her having found a job and sense of belonging in another country as ' extended puberty' just doesn't make sense. Siblings with a normal relationship would be happy for them for having found this.

You have issues with your sister that underlie the events you outline here, but are not separate from these events.

YABVU. She’s allowed to live her life as she sees fit. She clearly enjoys it and it’s awful of you to judge her and even more so that you guilt tripped and emotionally manipulated her into coming back.

but are separate from these events, that should have said.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00sf9ph

OP and her sister

Well, OP, you've been torn a new one in these comments!

Just sympathy coming from me! I also have a wanky sister who does literally nothing to help out our aging mother. And seems rather proud of the fact.
I'll always memorably recall the time that she wouldn't come and stay with mum for a few days after our dad suddenly died, because "she had to protect her own mental health". Yet was totally on board with me going "because you were closer with dad that I was."

So then surely I had more need of the mental health break?!?

She also refused to have anything to do with organising his funeral because "it was too difficult". So instead mum, me and dad's older brother managed it ourselves. Dad's pushing-80-year-old brother came 5 hours ON A TRAIN to help. But bloody sister couldn't manage an hour up the M6.

This was 3 years ago now, but honestly, even thinking about it now, my blood still boils.

@TimeForANewUserNameMethinks

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00sf9ph

OP and her sister

This is exactly who came to mind!

You sound jealous.

@TimeForANewUserNameMethinks

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00sf9ph

OP and her sister

This is exactly who came to mind!

I am surprised at a lot of the responses here. I think that many pp are oversimplifying the situation. I don’t think that children‘s relationships with their parents are totally independent from each other. It‘s much harder for OP to ‚step away‘ or ‚stop being the responsible one‘ if she knows that there is nobody to take that role. Much easier for OPs sister to ‚do her thing‘ knowing that OP is around. Of course one could argue that Sister could be given the chance to step up if OP steps away but that presupposes that OP is the kind of person who a) believes that adult children have no obligation to be there for their parents or b) would be happy to parents go with no support until/ if sister turns up. I don’t think OP is that kind of person and neither am I.

Firstly at 61, your parents are of working age and (barring serious illeness) do not need to be minded like children.
Good God, I'm in this age range and find this incredibly patronising. I'm bringing up teenagers and have never been busier.

Secondly, we are each responsible for our own lives and our own happiness. Do what makes you happy OP and let tour sister live her life, her way.

Like a PP said:

You're martyring yourself and blaming her for it.

She sounds free and happy, you sound resentful and full of 'shoulds' Just do for your parents what feels right for you, not in the context if what she does or you think she should do.

Of your parents think she is bot involved enough in their life, they can communicate it to her. its not your job.

Neither am I @Hystericaluterus but I recognize that it's my choice and don't expect my siblings to feel the same way as I do or make the same choices.

Of course you are not unreasonable at resenting her demanding you care more for your parents while she is living the dream. You are doing your best, if she wants higher standards, she needs to jump on a plane.

As for the funeral, honestly I love(d) my parents' siblings but neither my parents or myself considered it necessary for me to spend a sizable chunk of my yearly income in longhaul flights to join them when an uncle passed away. They didn't want me to spend the money and they were surrounded by family already (or wanting to be left alone). I think you are unreasonable in demanding her presence at the funeral, it is her decision.

she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since

Charming of you to call her life choices late puberty.

Ran off to developing country again.

You mean travelled for work, or went travelling.

"maybe not a top performer at adulting

Again, charming. Also not true, she's just not making the sme choices as you.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them.

By escape from reality I think you mean working abroad.

Another way of saying that is she knew parents needed help and she was thousands of miles away, so asked you as the nearest next of kin to do so.

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February.

She's an adult. Her life choices.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind.

Well it clearly wasn't for hers. How dare you emotinally blackmail anybody?

She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

If it is actually is silent you don't know that for fact.

And if she is, I can't say i blame her.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break.

You dragged her back. I'm not surprised she's not exactly co-operating.

Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit"

So? It does sound like family shit. She has no obligation to go to the funeral , and neither do you.

play at puberty

Again.

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her.

So don't go to the funeral then. But make your choices independently of your sister. And fgs get some therapy.

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half.

I've been harsh on you but in all honesty I get this. I feel huge responsibility towards my parents too.

They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

Is she actually berating you? Have you actually said this to her?

Adult children living abroad do tend to miss these sort of things.

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

Yes, you WBU. Talk to her calmly about how the pair of you manage ageing parent's needs fairly between you, as they age. Take it from somebody who walked your path, I didn't actually need to be worrying about them at 60. At 75 odd, I do a bit more now.

Stop financially bailing her out, you clearly resent it. She's an adult who has two parents, let her deal with her own finances or ask them for help if she needs it.

I think you need to take a step back and just detach from her life a bit. Leave her to it and ignore her interfering from the other side of the world.

I would share less about what is going on with your parents as she can speak directly to them and be noncommittal about the taking care of them when she pushes. I know your mum has been very sick but they aren’t very old and I would resist turning them into invalids and yourself into a caregiver as they could live for 30+ more years.

Agree with Hysterical 100%. I think you are a good sister and your frustration might be because a lot of pressure is on you. It is unreasonable she tells you to visit parents etc. Ultimately she decided to come home (she is 36!!!) so I wouldn’t be too worried about that.

I wouldn’t criticise her directly or ask her to support them. If she suggests you should do more, don’t argue about it but say you are doing all you can. Don’t kill yourself supporting your parents either - I did wonder whether you have been suffering because you’ve done too much.

Sounds like you have had a rough old time and need a break

Growing up as the black sheep child, I still find it incredibly hard not to bend over backwards to earn my parents' love and approval.

I think you have summed it up here for yourself - work through that and it will free yourself from all the pressures you put onto yourself snd also your sister.

Isn't it interesting how often, when parents have a favourite child, the spurned one turns not against the crap parents, but the favoured sibling.

There is more than one way to live a life. She lives and works abroad, after a false start as a teacher. That is nothing to do with being grown up or not. You are wrong to judge her because her life is different to yours and you are unhappy with yours.

You sound very controlling and very dominating. It seems that your sister has gone to the opposite extreme to you, it also sounds like she has a very different relationship with your parents to you.
You sound very dismissive of her choices , her personality and her life. I would be furious to be coerced into returning home from my job and life by a sister who feels I should be at home helping with parents in their sixties! How ridiculous. It's up to your parents to negotiate with your sister if they feel she should be doing more to help and support them. They aren't in a home, they aren't seriously ill, get a grip.

All this talk about puberty is a little unsettling. It also sounds very condescending. You sound quite unpleasant if I am totally honest.

@Porcupineinwaiting I see what you mean. But I do think that the mantra ‚live and let live‘ does not apply in child/ adult relationships.

For the record I do think that the language in which OP has couched this betrays some unresolved issues with sister or really rather with parents who seemed to have favoured sister a lot.

But that to me is neither here nor there. The fact that OP might be resentful of sister is for me quite distinct from the fact that sibling-parents dynamics are super complex and that the notion that Sister and OP‘s choices re behaviour towards parents happen in vacuum of each other is a complete fantasy.

I don’t know it might be that I come from a different culture where all adult children having the freedom to step away from parents (bar extreme cases, of course) is unthinkable.

Sorry name change fail! Also I meant adult child/ parent relationships not adult/ child relationships!!! Giving myself a for that typo!

When your Sis berates you just tell her that you have done your half and she needs to step up and do her share. It is not your problem if she lives in another country.

I have this issue with one of my parents who has ended up with 6 DC/ DSC. I've decided my responsibility is 1/6th and that is all I am doing.

Hmmmm I think YABU tbh. Your mum had a serious episode with her blood pressure, but that doesn't normally leave a person in a debilitated condition. Only say that, as I know someone who had the same (it sounds very similar) and went back to work full time as soon as medication had it under control. Unless your mum's wasn't able to be controlled? I'm sure it was scary at the time though. I don't want to minimise that. But just trying to understand why this means your parents need more help.

Your dad is unemployed, or was, but now is employed (sorry, cannot tell which). Why does this mean he needs more help from you and your sister? Emotional support you mean? Could phone calls not do a similar, if not exactly the same, job? Just trying to understand why you think your sister should give up a job she loves and move home to help.

Your dad's brother is now dead, which is sad, but your sister didn't know him and she doesn't have a close relationship with your dad, so I don't necessarily see that she should have to go to the funeral if she doesn't want to. As nice as it would be if she did.

You "emotionally blackmailed" her to come home because everyone except her was worried... I don't get why you would do this to another adult.

She emotionally blackmailed you to help your parents because they needed help due to your mum's hypertension and your dad being unemployed. What help do they need? Are they very old? Sorry, I feel as if I'm really missing something. If I am, huge apologies!

On balance, I think YAB a bit U. You are grown adults and none of you is so old you need care. I don't get why the need to help each other and be with each other and to ease each others minds by flying home etc etc.

This might be because I moved away from home for university, so haven't lived anywhere near my parents since I was a teenager! I thought this was fairly common? I cannot imagine my parents, (one now dead, but even if they were still alive), asking me to move nearby for emotional support? Is this what you want your sister to do? I think your parents sound a similar age to mine.

Sorry again if I've missed something!

It's so incredibly selfish to not give a toss about the values that the sister has in working to make a difference where it really matters. To just see that as a failure in adulting. Although I don't think anyone should expect someone else to keep them afloat (and I suspect the OP is overstating how much she is helping because she's very this on details they're), we as a society should expect to help people who are helping others. We didn't get to live the way we do by leaving no footprints.

We got here on the backs of developing countries and those trying to redress that receive precious little help or respect. Instead, people like the OP are seen as massive successes (she clearly sees herself in this light) while more altruistic folk are thought of as irresponsible. Well, there's probably an argument to be made both ways but I'm less interested in the views of someone as self-consciously self-congratulating as the OP. It was particularly peculiar of you to manipulate her into coming home to a country rife with Covid-19 and then expect to be able to dictate her choices on arrival.

I can well understand why she hates family shit. She spent a childhood bending over backwards to please, took the trouble to messily work out who she was and is now paying the price by being the scapegoat for people who value achievements and salary above all else. It sounds like an absolute nightmare. OP, you won despite an inauspicious start. Well done. Your sister couldn't care less. Now stop gloating.