To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

[45redballoon]

Neither of you have the right to be doing what you are doing to either of you.... if she wants to live her life a certain way that's up to her but she needs to stop telling you what you need to be doing... and vice versa. Your relationship wont survive if you carry on like this you are too entangled... you are both adults but you sound like you are trying to exert control over her behaviour and choices... you have no right to do that... and these are choices... you are choosing to go to this funeral... you do not actually have to... if you are going when you didnt want to that's an issue for you to sort out that's not your sisters problem. As is the amount of work you do for your parents... that is up to YOU. stop blaming your sister for choices you have made.
Equally she needs to stop putting pressure on you to do things. Respect each other as adults who may be very different with different values and ideas.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

I think you need to stop considering your ds.

If she rings up and tells you to visit mum or do more for them. Tell her to sod off. She's not your keeper, you'll do as much or as little as you want.

Regarding the funeral, just stop considering her. If your dad wants her to go, he can ask her and she can tell him no, stay out of it, you've made your decision.

You need to stop considering her, but consider yourself. YOU do as much or as little as YOU want to! I know it feels like you 'have' to be there, but you don't. It's up to you! Consider yourself! You can't control your sister, you can only control how you react to her. Take her out of the equation and let her get on with it. But by doing so, stop letting her control you. A simple fuck off usually does the trick

[SecretSpAD]

I think that the sister is just doing what is often recommended on here with toxic families and that is to go,low contact.
We also don't know she asks for money. In fact we don't actually knkw she exists, but hey.

Some of us do end up working abroad to escape family shit. I did. I went to get away from my mother. And my father and siblings were cool with that because they knew she was a toxic bitch towards me. I also refused to drop everything and come home at the drop of a hat when she demanded it. My father and siblings never did to their credit.

I also didn't come home when she was dying, when she died or for her funeral. Do I regret it? Do I hell. I was glad to get that evil malign presence out of my life.

It's said on here often that children do not owe their parents anything. Certainly nit care in later life. So if someone doesn't want that responsibility then they should t be forced into it.

It's interesting how the OP calls her sister childish, but nit her father who she has had to bail out. Hey ho. Anyone would think that the story was skewed to make the sister look bad.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

The op needs to disengage from them all and leave them all to manage best way they can and not criticise her sister or influence her life.

YY^^

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@LadyPrigsbottom

you can't always do exactly what you want when you want as I'm sure that caring for your parents 100% isn't exactly your dream either.

Of course not, but there is an awful lot in between "100% your dream, exactly what you like when you like" and being torn to pieces for working abroad.

Tbh, if the op behaves as she did in her rant on here, I wouldn't want to have too much to do with her at all.

Just thinking about a family in my extended family, where one dd is near home, the other lives in Australia and their parents are in their 60s. It honestly never occurred to me that the daughter in Australia might be viewed in a dim light by anyone. We see her parents quite a lot and they are lovely and I've never heard a word of disapproval about their dd living abroad.

I mean...family shit to describe a funeral? Not the nicest wording, but clearly there is a really unpleasant dynamic here, which the op alludes to, with the golden child / black sheep roles. Family shit sums it up quite succinctly. And at least the sister is trying to escape that dynamic, not stuck in her role, venting spleen at her fellow victim of a toxic family dynamic.

The family in my extended family which I have mentioned all have (as far as I know) a healthy family relationship and all are close. It definitely does not follow that a child choosing to live abroad and therefore not be available in person for things like funerals or illnesses, means that the family falls apart.

If this was a close, happy family, I doubt this would be an issue. And if it was a happy family, possibly the sister would feel less inclined to flee.

People coming on saying 'tut tut, she isn't around for her parents later (not that much later) years, the brazen hussy' probably come from closer families where being there is not a depressing chore. For this family, it seems that isn't tbe case.

Like so many AIBU threads, people completely fail to empathise.

I feel sorry for both sisters btw, but the judginess is coming from one side only it seems. This is pretty shitty, since I think both are victims. Judging your fellow victim is pretty shit behaviour.

How knows how it will play out in the family you know?

Maybe the child in the UK won't be happy if the parents get old and need help and it all falls to them to manage while the sibling escapes it in Australia. Plenty of threads on MN with exactly this situation and the child left to deal with it becomes very resentful at having to shelve their life and family to manage an elderly parent while the sibling lives an easy life abroad.

In this case, the sister can live exactly how she likes as long as she doesn't ask for money and she also has no right to tell op to do more for their parents.

The op needs to disengage from them all and leave them all to manage best way they can and not criticise her sister or influence her life.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

@gandalf456 .

[gandalf456]

I agree. They need to work on their relationship now. It took years to repair mine with my sister after the death of my father . I regret it

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Yeah @gandalf456, I lost a parent younger than that after they had been unwell for a long time.

But I'm not in the same family as the op and her sister, so there is no way I would project my own experiences on to them. Recriminations like those being spouted here by the op, also her sister towards the op and those supporting her are so damaging. More so if there actually is a death soon (god forbid).

[gandalf456]

Yes and I can relate to that and think she ought to be able to do that as far as she possibly can. However, I do understand the here and now is that the op is in need of support and there needs to be some sort of plan, conversation , compromise maybe

[Givingup123456]

Sounds like she had a lot of pressure to perfect and wasn't allowed to explore what she wanted to do. She now knows what she wants to do but you don't like it and resent her

[gandalf456]

The person closest geographically is bound to shoulder most of the burden. It's just the way it is. Rightly or wrongly, it is very common for the one closest to home to feel resentment, too, so I can see how hurtful it was for the op to feel criticised by her dsis. And she really should have returned when her mum was in icu!

My suggestion is where do they go from here? I do understand why the dsis is entitled to her chosen life but , also, I can see the op imagining her future bound by duty while her sister runs free.

60 may not sound old but my df did not make it past 70. My mum is in her 70s and very much dependent on us, with dsis and I sharing the care (not always the case) It will happen sooner than they might think.

One thing which worked for a friend of mine with a sister overseas is that the sister used to travel home for a week or 2 at a time but do everything so give her a break. It's not about judging but understanding one another's feelings and problem solving. There seems to be a fair bit of sibljng rivalry and family drama to unravel, too, though nothing particularly hair raising as far as I can see.

One thing to bear in mind is that it's important not to have regrets or retain bitterness from childhood. I've been there, been the golden child, black sheep, failed A student, wayward sister, sensible sister. I've been them all. The bottom line was my parents - a once strong man who succumbed very quickly to cancer and a frail old lady who needs reminding to eat lunch

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Ugh, I give up.

[Seriously79]

I'd be giving it to her both barrels! She sounds very selfish.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

And when the sister was pressuring the op to do more for her parents, at that precise point, the sister was the one doing the judging and therefore the one being U. Now it's the op being judgemental and U.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

you can't always do exactly what you want when you want as I'm sure that caring for your parents 100% isn't exactly your dream either.

Of course not, but there is an awful lot in between "100% your dream, exactly what you like when you like" and being torn to pieces for working abroad.

Tbh, if the op behaves as she did in her rant on here, I wouldn't want to have too much to do with her at all.

Just thinking about a family in my extended family, where one dd is near home, the other lives in Australia and their parents are in their 60s. It honestly never occurred to me that the daughter in Australia might be viewed in a dim light by anyone. We see her parents quite a lot and they are lovely and I've never heard a word of disapproval about their dd living abroad.

I mean...family shit to describe a funeral? Not the nicest wording, but clearly there is a really unpleasant dynamic here, which the op alludes to, with the golden child / black sheep roles. Family shit sums it up quite succinctly. And at least the sister is trying to escape that dynamic, not stuck in her role, venting spleen at her fellow victim of a toxic family dynamic.

The family in my extended family which I have mentioned all have (as far as I know) a healthy family relationship and all are close. It definitely does not follow that a child choosing to live abroad and therefore not be available in person for things like funerals or illnesses, means that the family falls apart.

If this was a close, happy family, I doubt this would be an issue. And if it was a happy family, possibly the sister would feel less inclined to flee.

People coming on saying 'tut tut, she isn't around for her parents later (not that much later) years, the brazen hussy' probably come from closer families where being there is not a depressing chore. For this family, it seems that isn't tbe case.

Like so many AIBU threads, people completely fail to empathise.

I feel sorry for both sisters btw, but the judginess is coming from one side only it seems. This is pretty shitty, since I think both are victims. Judging your fellow victim is pretty shit behaviour.

[gandalf456]

I have tried to see the other side but, overall, yanbu. I am with you on what you say about her refusal to return home when your mum got seriously ill but still having the cheek to say you aren't visiting enough! And I agree that your dad needs emotional support from the family re the death of his brother and it does seem childish to dismiss it as family shit.

However, I do agree that, if she is happy working overseas then, once the family problems have blown over, she ought to be left to it. That said, at this stage, they do tend to be ongoing and perhaps you both need to have a grown up conversation about how she can support you so you don't become overburdened in your parents' latter years.

This won't be a permanent situation (nothing is) and, unfortunately, life being such as it is, you can't always do exactly what you want when you want as I'm sure that caring for your parents 100% isn't exactly your dream either.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Afford to*

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Well, he was going to lose his home, (the home that he owns I expect). That does not mean he would have been automatically sleeping rough. It was very nice of the op to pay for him. Don't get me wrong! I would have done exactly the same if this happened to either of my parents, although tbh, with old style pensions etc, I am a lot worse off!

But, what people who have "grown the fuck up", (as the op, so eloquently put it), do, is, they only give away what they can afford to lose, OR, they arrange repayment, OR, they don't give the money away. What is not the actions of a grown the fuck up, is to give away money, and then rant and rave about how terrible it is that people keep taking their money. If you give money away and realise later that the person has taken you for a ride, you make it clear you won't be giving them any more money again and move on, if you're such a grown up.

The sister was not stranded! The op and her family were worried that she might become stranded, at some point. They deduced this, based on their knowledge that this was an 'unstable, developing country'. The sister, (who presumably knew the country better than the people sitting on their arses in England, who probably had never been there before), disagreed and only came home under duress. The fact the sister isn't kissing the OP's feet and thanking her for rescuing her from certain destitution implies the country is still ok.

Re paying for her home while she was away...no, I wouldn't have done that, unless, again I could I to give it freely and without resentment, OR I could be sure of repayment. If I gave the money and it turned out I was being taken for a ride, I would make sure they knew I was never happening again and then I'd move on.

Choosing to give people money and then using it as a stick to beat them with is unacceptable.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@LadyPrigsbottom

And also, there is a whiff of arrogance about it. I've got this amazing, high earning job, so I can bankroll my newly unemployed dad. I just cannot understand why dsis can't do the same .

I mean, can you imagine? In a family where you ended up being the high earner? You would then get irritated that your siblings aren't doing the same thing as you? Absolutely bat.shit.

Anyway, I suspect this could be as a previous poster suggested, so we are quite possibly be arguing over a totally hypothetical situation.

It has been...eye opening to read what some people think about family moving away from their parents to work though. Having come from a place where people mainly cannot find work, (unless, like the op's sister, they work for the public sector), this is unfortunately what people have to do to not starve. Which is obviously very selfish of them . "Inherently selfish" to want to work and feed themselves .

Ah well. Life's rich tapestry and all that.

Thanks for the interesting thread op!

What should op do then? Just see her dad made homeless?

How about her sister? Should she refuse to give her money and see her maybe stranded abroad or lose her home here?

[Jocundest]

It has been...eye opening to read what some people think about family moving away from their parents to work though. Having come from a place where people mainly cannot find work, (unless, like the op's sister, they work for the public sector), this is unfortunately what people have to do to not starve. Which is obviously very selfish of them

I've noticed that a lot in the years I've been on Mn. I find it deeply British in its failure to comprehend the normalcy of emigration (which seems to be very often viewed on here as fancying a beach-y life in Australia or typical British expat destinations like Dubai) because otherwise you don't have a job.

[giantangryrooster]

I really wouldn't bother. OP posted twice and hasn't posted since Tuesday 🤷‍♀️.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

And also, there is a whiff of arrogance about it. I've got this amazing, high earning job, so I can bankroll my newly unemployed dad. I just cannot understand why dsis can't do the same .

I mean, can you imagine? In a family where you ended up being the high earner? You would then get irritated that your siblings aren't doing the same thing as you? Absolutely bat.shit.

Anyway, I suspect this could be as a previous poster suggested, so we are quite possibly be arguing over a totally hypothetical situation.

It has been...eye opening to read what some people think about family moving away from their parents to work though. Having come from a place where people mainly cannot find work, (unless, like the op's sister, they work for the public sector), this is unfortunately what people have to do to not starve. Which is obviously very selfish of them . "Inherently selfish" to want to work and feed themselves .

Ah well. Life's rich tapestry and all that.

Thanks for the interesting thread op!

[SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge]

I can see both sides. But ultimately, you just focus on your own behaviour as that is all you can control. Trying to control her or think she should behave in ways to make you all less worried is endemic in families. It may have well meaning at its heart. But with love, people need to let go a bit. She has to define her own relationship with your parents.

Look I totally get this and I have been a slave to family and youger siblings myself. Bit by bit you need to release a little.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

I asked op earlier if she feels a bit like the family cash machine! I am sure she does.

But that does not give her free reign to tear her "much loved" sister to pieces. Stop handing out money, to anyone, including her parents, UNLESS, she is happy to do so with no resentment. It's all very well being 'Lady Bountiful' but you cannot then turn around, having handed over your money to all and sundry and then say "waaaah they are always taking my pennies". Pretty rubbish of the sister to ask for money, absolutely. I cannot imagine, unless I was literally starving, asking my siblings for hand outs. I wouldn't get them anyway! AFAIK, they are worse off than I am currently. But the substantial handout was to her dad. Why is all the focus on the sister and how she isn't living her life and she needs to grow the fuck up and she is such a pupescent, late adolescence blah blah? This thread is honestly a bit batshit. That tone having been set by the op at the beginning.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@LadyPrigsbottom

No, I think the sister is living her life AND she is asking for some financial support, (we don't actually know how much). I don't think that is right, but it doesn't mean she is not living her life. Many people get substantial assistance with finances from parents. Less so from siblings, but possibly it is more common when the sibling is a very high earner. Not saying that should be the case or that it should just be expected. Not at all. But to say she doesn't have her own life because she has received financial help is a huge leap and quite unkind and belittling. If someone gets help from an inheritance for example, to put down a deposit for a house, does that mean it isn't their real house? If someone gets help through university from parents, do they not really have their own degree?

From what op has said though, she had to provide substantial financial help to her dad to stop him from losing his home. She's also giving help to her sister.

I don't blame her for feeling used.

The op clearly feels like their live for her is contingent on her bank rolling their lives. I should imagine she fears rejection by them if she removed that financial help. That's a terrible place for her to be and I feel sympathy for her position.

In my opinion she should walk away from them all but that's easier said than done