To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

What’s PBP?

Same @giantangryrooster! I thought your posts were great btw, even if it does turn out to be a PBP.

PBP = previously banned poster

Thank you @LadyPrigsbottom . I really hope op returns, won't be long before I can't be ar..ed replying to threads. I'm an idiot with these things.

She enjoys her job working abroad. Your family laid on a ton of pressure for her to return. Now you're trying to pressure her into something else. She can say no, probably regrets allowing herself to be manipulated.

She isn't obliged to you or her parents for anything. You say she's shit at adulting but it looks like she's the only one who has actually decided to live their own life.

" Siblings who make the decision to live in another country leaving their sibling to care for elderly parents are inherently selfish."

So how would this country maintain any trade links, diplomatic relations, research which requires presence abroad etc etc, if no one who has 60yo parents is allowed to live abroad? And that's before we even get into the fact that some people marry foreigners- presumably not allowed either until all their relatives are dead?

I think you need to have a conversation with her about her being around more and helping with your parents, or if not, then not guilt tripping you by expecting you to do more than you are able to.

After that you need to back off and be less involved in her life. You moan about your parents helping her out financially, but you are guilty of doing the same. You can't control what your parents do but you can stop doing it yourself.

Leave her to do what she wants to do but also make it clear that if she chooses to be absent then she has no right to dictate what you do, or don't do, with your parents. Repeat everytime she mentions anything.

@corythatwas, YY! I think some people live on another planet sometimes. I sometimes joke that there are no people left in my town, because EVERYBODY left to find work. Would people have everyone sink into poverty because they must stay near parents? What a load of shit.

I appreciate the OP has said her sister is a qualified teacher, so presumably could find work nearby, but that is not the case for everyone. Where I'm from, I'd say it's rarely the case.

Full disclosure, I married an Englishman, who needs to be near London for work, or, you know, we'd starve. Also his parents are in england too, so one of us would end up being a dastardly selfish bastard no matter where we lived. I have ended up very far from home. Inherently selfish I must nebe according to some posters . Thank fuck, my parents never took that view. And neither will I if and when my dcs leave the nest. Some of the comments on here are absolutely batshit.

I must be reading the OP very badly: other posters keep referring to the OP helping her sister financially but I can't find the reference to that.

All I can see is the OP rescuing their father financially, which again seems to suggest something not quite right with the parents-daughter dynamic.

You are probably right and I'm just not looking.

I must be reading the OP very badly: other posters keep referring to the OP helping her sister financially but I can't find the reference to that.

She does say she helped her financially. I think it may be in her second post (of only two posts) on the thread.

Wonder if she's still reading?

Thanks LadyPrigsbottom, found it.

It does sound like a situation where the OP is treating the sister like a child though (take her shopping and buy her things) and which she could probably quite easily get out of.

The sister is very much out of order to be lecturing the OP about helping their parents more when she's not in the country. It's because of that one thing that I don't think the OP is unreasonable to feel resentful.

She was very unreasonable to emotionally blackmail her about coming to her uncle's funeral when she scarcely knows him, though.

It just sounds like they have a toxic relationship and are as bad as each other.

Totally agree @Mittens030869. That, for me, plus the sister asking for money from her sister to go travelling are the only aspects where the sister is being U. I also agree the whole thing sounds toxic and just really strange. Still no clearer on what care people in their early 60s require from their adult children, which would mean the children all have to move closer to where their parents live. Aside from the odd "everybody of every age needs care" comment. Well, in that case we all have to live close to our immediate families forever. Just in case. That sounds totally normal and healthy .

Some 60 year olds do need extra help. My F had Parkinson's Disease, but my DM was well able to take care of him. But he did used to guilt trip us into coming home constantly and he would also interfere in our lives, going on about providing him with grandchildren. (He was sexually abusive when we were growing up, so that was actually very disturbing now that I think about it.) He also manipulated our DM in the same way

So some parents do have health issues and use these to manipulate their DC into staying close to them.

Get therapy and learn to live your own life, and de-enmesh from your sister.

You are enabling your sister, then moan about it, OP. Stop funding the lifestyle you don't approve of. Your sister is entitled to live her life how she wants bit you don't have to pay for it.

@Mittens030869 absolutely! Some 25 year olds also need help. It isn't purely about age.

I asked the op a few pages back, what is it about her parents which mean they specifically need a lot of help. I can't tell what hypertensive incident means. I am guessing not a stroke, or she would have just said stroke. I am asking because I know someone who was also rushed to hospital with a serious high blood pressure issue, was signed off work but then was able to go back full time, do a very stressful job where they continued to work for another 20 odd years. So that alone doesn't indicate that her parents need more help than average people in their early sixties. But obviously, something could be missing from the story. But based just on a brother dying, which is very sad, becoming unemployed and having a serious medical issue, which I am guessing is now under control, it just doesn't make sense that anyone would think these parents would need intense personal care from their adult dcs.

For your own sake OP, take a step back from all of them and perhaps look into counselling to understand how YOU have been, and are being, affected by your dysfunctional/toxic parents.

The Golden Child & Black Sheep dynamic is created and perpetuated by the parents!
A Golden Child's life is also manipulated and controlled despite the outward showering of 'gifts'.
Your sister is doing her best to break away and live her own life....not helped by the constant enabling/infantilising her by giving her money.

Ran off to developing country again...Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise
I understand you feel resentful of her 'lifestyle' compared to yours, but put it in perspective -
Are you saying people in 'developing/3rd world' countries are living in paradise?

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind
You were wrong to do that.
You projected your own fear, obligation and guilt onto her.
She's an adult, trying to live as independently as possible but she's got toxic parents and a sibling still in their thrall pulling every trick in the book to force her back.

What do your parents need help with exactly?
Aside from occasional physical support (illness etc), the rest sounds like they lean on you for the kind of emotional support that isn't healthy.
They got you slowly taking on the role of parenting them, whilst they continue to infantalise your sister so they can get emotional supply from her too.

Your parents are the problem you and your sister are like this.
Take a leaf out of her book and put your own needs first for a change.

Your sister was a golden child who did well at school, got into a good university, then changed universities and courses several times and has hardly held a job down for more than a year since?

I think you need to wake up to the fact that what you call 'extended late-onset puberty' is probably the visible part of the iceberg more accurately known as mental health problems. Golden children rarely have it easier than Cinderella types, often the reverse.

I think you are unnecessarily rude about her life choices, but equally I think that some posters are romanticising what sounds like a bit of an unsettled decade. Overseas aid work is a worthwhile career and then some, but it doesn't sound as though that's really what's been happening, to be fair to the OP. My guess is that she has (sensibly) removed herself from the toxic family dynamics (unlike you, OP) but that she hasn't yet found a way to move beyond the psychological legacies of childhood. I'm sure she feels acutely that she's a fuck-up, without you telling her in a thousand ways, from ordering her home to paying her bills, so maybe stop flashing your multinational corporation credentials around and try asking her how she's feeling about things.

You both need to get yourselves to family therapy, imo, possibly together but certainly separately. And do stop coddling your parents. My guess is they've had you both exactly where they wanted you from the day you were born.

Rereading what OP has said, the only thing she has been asked by any family member is her dad asking if she would be going to her uncles funeral.
So it looks like she's been the one interfering in their lives, for their own good - in her opinion!
And now she resents the fact that they don't appreciate this interference, don't appreciate the fact that she gives them money which has not been asked for; (she actually states that she offered to pay for sisters flat.)

OP sounds controlling and determined that everyone does what she thinks is best. Disagree and you are either immature and need to grow up or obviously too elderly to be able to cope because you are over 60.

Well, the sister here could have refused to fly home - no one stood there with a gun against her head, she could reject all offers of money, no one can make her accept them and the parents equally can refuse all offers of help.

The only part that YANBU about is her giving out to you about how often you see your parents, other than that it's her life, leave her be

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Well, the sister here could have refused to fly home - no one stood there with a gun against her head, she could reject all offers of money, no one can make her accept them and the parents equally can refuse all offers of help.

Yes indeed, but if they love OP, which seems likely given that they are willing to submit to her emotional blackmail and unwanted interference, they won't want to hurt her by rejecting offers which seem to matter so much to her.

forgetthehousework

That works both ways. If the op is expected to ignore her family and any pressure they apply then they should ignore op and any pressure she might apply to them.

Why is the sister ringing op every week criticising her care of the parents?

I'll be honest op, you don't sound great to me. A lot of it is sounding pretty judgemental.. I can see why the last past would annoy you, but the fact she changed degrees and has worked abroad and hated her job as a teacher, why does that grate on you so much? It sounds like she may have some issues if her own. And you wonder why she doesn't want to come back.

Some of us want to be away from our original families - you’ve given some reasons why she might want to keep her distance. Living our lives our own way isn’t being a teenager, it’s making adult choices we’re within our rights to make when we grow up.