To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

Stop indulging her, parents included. Let her make her own mistakes. Stop paying for her, bailing her out and treating her like a teenager.

Stop feeling guilty for being successful too, why shouldn't you be? Because you are a woman from the country?

Step back and don't indulge the drama llama.

I would say it's your role to play and your choice. If she doesn't want to go to the funeral she shouldn't have to. If you choose to go, even if that's just to support your father, that's still a choice you have made. Tbh if you are the sibling at home you will be burdened with the responsibility of your parents but if you don't want it - move away too. She is living her life as she wants you can't resent her because you choose not to do the same thing

I would say it's your role to play and your choice. If she doesn't want to go to the funeral she shouldn't have to. If you choose to go, even if that's just to support your father, that's still a choice you have made. Tbh if you are the sibling at home you will be burdened with the responsibility of your parents but if you don't want it - move away too. She is living her life as she wants you can't resent her because you choose not to do the same thing

You have issues with her and are using this funeral as a means to revisit them. She doesn't need to attend. You have a choice to attend and live within a reasonable distance to do so. Asking her to come back from overseas to attend a funeral of someone she doesn't know well is a bit ridiculous. Making it an issue is even more so.
She is wrong to berate you for not visiting your parents more when you undoubtedly do much more than she does. However, you need to tell her this when it comes up rather than saving up your resentment and trying to almost get her back for it on other occasions.

It sounds like she has the life you have always wanted and continue to want.

Parental respect and freedom. You sound very resentful OP.

I am you in this situation and your sister behaves as mine does.
I have learnt over the years to never ever pass messages between her and parents/ grandparents because it just reinforces that Im the dependable middle woman. I also never give her money or bite when Im feeling that she's being selfish/ unreasonable. It hurts me that my sister disregards our caring family members but she just won't go to therapy/ help herself so the best you can do is keep it all pretty superficial.

Why are you taking on the ‘looking after’ of your parents when they are so young

It sounds like you are stuck in your role

@merrygoround51

YY! This is what I was wondering and couldn't find the answer anywhere from the OP.

I don't think a 'hypertensive incident' is something which normally leaves someone needing care...but maybe I'm thinking of something else. I'm guess this wasn't a stroke or anything? Or the op would've said stroke I guess?

I am guessing the op means emotional support? But then, does the sister have to move home to provide that? I do think parents in their early sixties(?) asking their adult dd to move home and their other adult dd wading in to ask the same, so that they can both be nearby to support their parents is a little bit extreme, unless something I'm missing...? Sorry if I am!

You can’t control how people behave and act, but you can control how you react to it.

You seem to have your family dynamics identified quite well. You don’t feel like you fit in, you sister is Favourite Child, your parents reward your sister financially for her poor life decisions, and it’s generally quite unfair.

Like PPs have said, it’s really important that you work on your boundaries. Work out, for you, what is enough.

I really do hope that you’re wrong about your sis being the favourite. My mum has always said that she doesn’t have a favourite, that we’re all loved the same. I used to think that my little sister was the favourite, but now as we’ve grown older, I see that all 3 of us have a role to play and she really does love us all the same.

Perhaps some Frank conversations with your sister and parents are in order as well... set your stall out, get your ducks in a row etc

First of all this stood out

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

I mean that's clearly not a thing. If someone suffers from some kind of regression or seems a bit stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence I would assume there was some kind of trauma in her life. Maybe you're not aware of it as you assume she had the perfect upbringing.

She has no right to put pressure on you to visit and look after your parents more....but from your posts i'm wondering if she does that as a way to push things back to you when you criticise her choices or life.

Look and I mean this with huge kindness because I understand as while it's different I have my own family issues with favourite children (not me) etc but you need to stop it! You will never change her even if you are right so why are wasting so much energy and causing yourself so much upset by trying. It's unfair but that is the reality.

You deal with your relationship with your parents your way and let her deal with it her way. You are separate beings.

Part of that is not allowing her to put her responsibilities on to you.
She can call you to try to guilt you but your answer is if you feel like that then you best come and do xyz. If she says but you are closer say yes I know that but that doesn't change my answer, we both have the same relationship and responsibility to our parents and I'm doing as much as I have decided I can. That might not cover their needs but I've got no more to give so if you feel they need xyz then you will have to arrange it.

If your parents need something and you can and want to help then do it but if you can't don't then that's the choice you make. You base your choices on what you can or want to give. It's separate from your sister that is for her to decide. That does occasionally mean there will be gaps because you won't fill the void but they will have to reach out themselves to fill those gaps. Or your sister will have to.

The funeral is a good example actually.
You have made the (in my opinion the right) choice to go because you love your dad and want to support him.
Your sister (selfishly imo) has decided that she would prefer not to support him by going and justifies it by reducing their relationship importance, which she is entitled to do even if it is shitty.

You just have to be ok with the choice you made (you would have chosen it even if she hadn't existed I assume) her choice has nothing to do with yours. If she wants to look like a dick then let her! Stop wasting your time on her.

I think this happens a lot, some siblings in a family basically leave the work of family to another one, and seem to hold them responsible.

This. Your parents may only be in their 60s now (which doesn't mean they don't need some support - everyone does at some time, no matter what their age), but I don't think this bodes well for when they are at an age when much more is required. I suspect this trend of her expecting you to do all the work will continue. It is also quite common for the "golden child" to avoid responsibility, and I do understand how that feels for their siblings.

I mean...yes, the financial help from your parents so that she can 'go travelling' is definitely irksome, but you're bailing out your dad...

I'm just wondering...is this a money thing? Are you worried that you'll be forever bailing out your parents, who will then bail out your sister and later you will be stuck bailing out tour sister too? Are you the family cash machine op, due to your career success?

I think the emotional stuff maybe needs to be put to one side (as far as that is possible). It isn't ok for any of them to rely on you financially. Unless you WANT to help them that way, you absolutely don't have to. And you don't have to fund your sister at all.

@eaglejulesk

I think this happens a lot, some siblings in a family basically leave the work of family to another one, and seem to hold them responsible.

This. Your parents may only be in their 60s now (which doesn't mean they don't need some support - everyone does at some time, no matter what their age), but I don't think this bodes well for when they are at an age when much more is required. I suspect this trend of her expecting you to do all the work will continue. It is also quite common for the "golden child" to avoid responsibility, and I do understand how that feels for their siblings.

@eaglejulesk, so, in families where all the children live far away from where they grew up, do you think they are all golden children? Should they all give up jobs, lives, take their dcs out of school perhaps, to support their parents who are of working age?

Genuinely asking! This is honestly such a surprising thread for me, as so many people I know did not stay where they grew up.

Yes, definitely everyone needs support, at every age, but when does that become, all adult children must work near enough to their parents that they can be there if needed? And not elderly parents at that.

Again, genuine question!

I'm sorry OP, don't know if you are still reading.

It is not unreasonable to be frustrated that your sister does fuck all, but is pestering you to do things. Stop her comments with 'do it yourself'.

BUT I have been in a sort of similar situation and my best advise is to think long and hard, not about what your sister does/doesn't, but what you really really are prepared to contribute. You cannot make her change or do things your way. What you can do is find your own boundaries, instead of acting out of obligation. This is important you should not be driven too much by obligation you will be worn down and start resenting everybody you help.

That aside, your parents are in their 60'ies, you need to stop pandering unless they are very fragile. As pp said, I too thought you referred to people in their 80'ies. If you feel this much obligation to help them out now, how will your future look when they are 80 something, sick, immobile, demented?

Stop this, cut the apronstrings both ways, and live your own life.

Btw you say you are the black sheep, that's probably why you do so much. You're seeking approval and recognition, perhaps worth looking in to.

I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here

This is your issue. I suspect you would still feel this way even if your sister didn't tell you you had to do x and y to look after them more. You need to stand up for yourself with your sister first of all and be firm about it. Don't engage in discussion over it.

The bigger issue is convincing yourself that you don't need to be the sensible, responsible one who is obligated to do everything and working on the associated guilt that many people go through when it comes to things like this.

I have nothing really to add other than to boggle at the idea of these parents - who, surely, are still of working age - who apparently need both their daughters around to 'care for them'.

I'm nearly 60. I've got another 7 years to work before I can even think about drawing a pension. I'm sure I look old and fragile to my kids, but in reality I'm at least twenty years from needing 'looking after'.

Have your parents encouraged you to think of them as needing care, OP? Are they perhaps using their health to blackmail you into staying around and not jetting off abroad to emulate your sister?

Here for the deletion message as PBP

Oooooh really @BanditoShipman?

I always fall for these!

This sounds a bit like the TV show Outnumbered with Auntie Angela....

Your parents are being OTT in their caring demands. Letting a row develop between their DD isn't impressive either. Are they demanding drama queens all the time? Or, whisper it, are you using their life events (losing job, being in hosp) to have a go at yr DSis?

It's not your sister's fault your the jealous, resentful, less attractive doormat.

Your sister sounds amazing. She has travelled, has had worthwhile employment where she is helping others and had the courage to follow her gut despite her sister being arrogant, blackmailing her to come 'home' and toe the line and resorting to childish insults.

Does it make you feel clever or superior to continually suggest she is (pre)pubescent? It doesn't make you look either of those things - it makes you appear nasty and sneering.

Your parents are a long way from old; are they really so needy of your support or is this a tactic to keep everyone where you can control them?

You need to stop comparing yourself to her.

Stop being controlling, she doesn't owe you anything, especially not conforming to your own rigid way of seeing things.

Arrh @BanditoShipman if you are right, please please say this early on, I'm still not good enough at spotting this .