To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

[forgetthehousework]

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

forgetthehousework

That works both ways. If the op is expected to ignore her family and any pressure they apply then they should ignore op and any pressure she might apply to them.

Why is the sister ringing op every week criticising her care of the parents?

It certainly does, but we have no direct information that any parental pressure is being applied to OP and if I wanted to speculate I might wonder if the phone calls from sister are more along the lines of "if you think they need so much help then you provide it" rather than "you should be looking after dp's".

Since the OP hasn't bothered to return to her thread we will never know (or, in my case, care!)

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

forgetthehousework

As with any thread, we do only get one side. And I don't blame op for not returning, she's been treated appallingly.

If her sister has good reason to not like her then she shouldn't be accepting any money from her, at all, and also shouldn't be phoning her about their parents. Easily rectified. If she didn't want to come home she shouldn't have.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

As with any thread, we do only get one side

Well, yes, quite. The op has given us her side with a healthy dose of very subjective / judgy hyperbole. And yet, still many people disagree with her.

Her not coming back is really quite strange, unless she was expecting everyone to agree with her that her sister was a lousy so and so who MUST come back forthwith to nurse her not very elderly parents and buck her ideas up by jove. That didn't happen, even though it was set up for just that. The whole thing is a bit strange tbh. I can see why people thought PBP actually, although that mustn't be the case as the thread is still here!

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

MUST come back forthwith to nurse her not very elderly parents

That wasn't why op persuaded her sister to come home though was it? She said it was because she was in a country where the infrastructure was vulnerable and she worried about her sister's access to money and about how she would also pay for her home here. That's reasonable, especially if her sister would have relied on op to pay for her home here, or even worse managed a disaster in the country where she was (trying to get funds to her, or medical care for example) while flights were cancelled and a pandemic swept the globe. Not entirely unreasonable. It wasn't about looking after parents. To be fair, the op hasn't just been disagreed with. Replies have been vicious. I don't blame her for not coming back

[LadyPrigsbottom]

I think the reason the OP got some unpleasant responses is because her OP was pretty unpleasant to begin with. No, it isn't nice if she us receiving personal attacks or anything, in which case I hope MNHQ deletes.

Yes, her reason for asking her to come home was to 'rescue' her from a situation which the op and her parents perceived as dangerous. The sister clearly disagreed and doesn't agree still.

But the purpose of the op, according to the title and the text of the op, seems to be to attack the sister for her career choices. Mainly, her choice not to live near her parents, who need help. "Grow the fuck up, stop being a pubescent blah blah". All thoroughly unpleasant and absolutely nothing to do with the infrastructure of 'some developing country', presumably a country which the OP's sister knows better than the op btw and nothing to do with concern for the sister.

I don't blame the op. It sounds as if their parents have done a number on her and her sisters tbh, bu creating a horrible black sheep /golden child dynamic and relying heavily on them both to provide them with emotional support. But I think it's seriously disingenuous to act as if the op is some blameless hero being torn to pieces by the meanies of MN.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

But I think it's seriously disingenuous to act as if the op is some blameless hero being torn to pieces by the meanies of MN.

Is anyone claiming that?

I think it's 6 of one half a dozen of the other.

I just think it's wrong to claim it's all ops fault that sister has come home etc because the sister could have just said no. Just as many posters are telling op that she doesn't have to support her parents, or support her sister and should just say no rather than blame them. Well, the dsis could do exactly the same then. She's an adult. She should own her decision to not return home and pay for herself, pay her own bills and so on. Blame on both sides here.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

I just think it's wrong to claim it's all ops fault that sister has come home etc because the sister could have just said no. Just as many posters are telling op that she doesn't have to support her parents, or support her sister and should just say no rather than blame them. Well, the dsis could do exactly the same then. She's an adult. She should own her decision to not return home and pay for herself, pay her own bills and so on

Yes, you're right and it sounds as if the sister has taken steps to disentangle herself from the unhealthy family dynamic. She has said no to living close to her parents. She said no to returning home. The op emotionally blackmailed her until she agreed to. The sister is now saying no to coming to the funeral. She is pretty good at just saying no tbh! And good for her. The problem is that she is now being punished for it by the op who clearly thinks very little of her sister, considering what she has said about her on here. The op is utterly outraged that the sister has "just said no" and thinks she should grow the fuck up.

I personally think they are both victims of an ugly family dynamic. But at least the sister has tried to escape. And the op seems to absolutely despise and belittle her for it.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

How could the sister be made to come home though? She should have just stayed if that was what she wanted. Op couldn't do anything about it, unless it was to withdraw funds?

Sounds more like the dsis wanted to come home but is now refusing to accept responsibility for that decision and has made op the scapegoat, which she opened herself up to by telling sister to come home.

Sounds like no one is doing what they want to do and are busy blaming everyone else for what's happening.

Sister should do whatever she wants but she can't expect op to support her financially and can't expect op to support their parents.

Op should only do what she is happy to do to support her parents and shouldn't be guilt tripped by either them or the sister.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

You're right! I think they all are co-dependent on each other to different degrees.

I have no idea how the op coerced the sister into coming home, but it absolutely sounds like coersive. In her own words she said "emotional blackmail". I honestly wouldn't try to guess what that means exactly, but can imagine a few different scenarios. Of course people can "just say no" to anything really, but in a family like this, where the op certainly sees herself as the scapegoat, I can see why the 'golden child' or perceived golden child would be easily guilted into doing something they don't really want to. Another outcome of this horrible dynamic.

Again, the sister is trying to escape that dynamic. It is pretty despicable of the op to berate her for it imo, but again I don't think this is the OP's fault. She is probably just doing what she thinks she has to; I have to do whatever it takes to get sister home. My parents need her to be home, or it will cause them distress. It all seems to be set up to ease or prevent their distress, which is why I personally think the whole dynamic is wrong.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

I can see why the 'golden child' or perceived golden child would be easily guilted into doing something they don't really want to

And equally why the op has been guilted into looking after their parents, financially supporting the sister and generally being the responsible one.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

And equally why the op has been guilted into looking after their parents, financially supporting the sister and generally being the responsible one.

She shouldn't be! Not at all. That is the only area where I think the sister was U. That and asking for money to go travelling.

Neither of them should be emotionally blackmailing the other.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@LadyPrigsbottom

And equally why the op has been guilted into looking after their parents, financially supporting the sister and generally being the responsible one.

She shouldn't be! Not at all. That is the only area where I think the sister was U. That and asking for money to go travelling.

Neither of them should be emotionally blackmailing the other.

I completely agree. Both siblings are clearly continuing the roles and dynamic from childhood which is why I think op has been treated unfairly on this thread.

Yes, she's in the wrong in parts, but isn't entirely in the wrong and didn't deserve the vitriol from this thread. Equally, sister isn't entirely blame free but shouldn't be treated like an errant child. She should be allowed to live her own life but should be responsible for sorting herself out, including financially.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Totally agree. They are both victims of a horrible dynamic.

[853690525d]

Overseas aid work is a worthwhile career and then some, but it doesn't sound as though that's really what's been happening, to be fair to the OP.

It could. These types of work are prone to uncertain funding.

[SecretSpAD]

I think the sister sounds more grown up than the OP to be honest. It does however seem like the OP,is intent on being the saviour of her family and lady bountiful all,rolled into one.

[malificent7]

I also do not get why she isn't great at adulting.
What you really mean is " sis has a great job that enables her freedom and the ability to travel the world and quite frankly i'm jealous."

[malificent7]

And tbh op..i am an x teacher and long term contracts are few and far between.

[Mittens030869]

The OP has never posted again on this thread so we can conclude that she's hidden the thread. So she's not going to tell us any more.

[Poetryinaction]

I don't thonk she's done anything wrong. She's just lived her life differently to you. I don't understand why you are so bitter about her worthwhile work abroad. She's an adult, she can and should live where she pleases. Why did she have to come back here? It's great that you want to support your dad, and I'm sure he appreciates it. But it's her choice if she wants to attend a funeral or not. And I think your judgement of her lifestyle is very unkind.

[Thinkingg]

You should both stop berating each other. It sounds toxic in both directions. Decide what relationship you want with your parents on your own terms. It sounds like they didn't treat you great, so maybe you want to step back. Or maybe you prefer to support them. Leave your sister out of it, she will choose her own path.


If there was a golden child / scapegoat dynamic in your family, that is abusive to all the children, including the "favoured one". It just impacts in a different way.

[chaoticisatroll55]

Honestly. You sound like a pain in the arse. Your sister has a life to lead and she's leading it. Your parents are not frail. You clearly feel everyone has to jump to your tune. Emotionally blackmailing people isn't acceptable behaviour. Just let everyone know you need time out as the sense of responsibility has obviously turned you into a stress head and a control freak.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

Surely if the sister wants to be treated as an adult then she needs to be financially responsible for herself?

Sure, travel overseas but don't expect others to bail you out financially.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Obviously it isn't as simple as that. In the same way that of the op doesn't want to be the responsible one, nursing her youngish, as far as we know healthy, parents, she just shouldn't do it instead of taking it out on her sister.

The whole thing is a horrid, but she is the only one (as far as we know) launching a complete character assassination against her sister, oh yeah "but I do love her btw" . Weird version if love. Quite unhealthy.

You can tie yourself up in knots all day trying to support the OP's position, but any reasonable person can see that she has some incredibly unpleasant views, which she didn't even attempt to resist voicing on here. The op speaks for herself and her lack of reasonable-ness is plain to me. The sister? Well, she's obviously done some less than brilliant things, (asking for money to travel when she is a grown adult and also having a go at the op to do more for their parents). But the tone and language used by the op about her sister is plain for all to see and it is pretty shitty.

Yesterday, I agreed with you. They are both behaving badly in different ways. I think that is not their fault. But, you are still very focused on what the sister should do. Well, she isn't here. The op...might be. She is the one who laid it all out in her op. It is a bit pointless to go on about the sister's flaws. The op is more than able to point these out with great unpleasantness without your help.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

[quote LadyPrigsbottom]@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

Obviously it isn't as simple as that. In the same way that of the op doesn't want to be the responsible one, nursing her youngish, as far as we know healthy, parents, she just shouldn't do it instead of taking it out on her sister.

The whole thing is a horrid, but she is the only one (as far as we know) launching a complete character assassination against her sister, oh yeah "but I do love her btw" . Weird version if love. Quite unhealthy.

You can tie yourself up in knots all day trying to support the OP's position, but any reasonable person can see that she has some incredibly unpleasant views, which she didn't even attempt to resist voicing on here. The op speaks for herself and her lack of reasonable-ness is plain to me. The sister? Well, she's obviously done some less than brilliant things, (asking for money to travel when she is a grown adult and also having a go at the op to do more for their parents). But the tone and language used by the op about her sister is plain for all to see and it is pretty shitty.

Yesterday, I agreed with you. They are both behaving badly in different ways. I think that is not their fault. But, you are still very focused on what the sister should do. Well, she isn't here. The op...might be. She is the one who laid it all out in her op. It is a bit pointless to go on about the sister's flaws. The op is more than able to point these out with great unpleasantness without your help.[/quote]
The op was venting on this thread. Obviously she is only seeing it from her point of view.

I'm not focusing on the sister. I was simply responding to the posters who were wholeheartedly supporting the sister. As we agreed yesterday, they are both wrong so why are some posters wholeheartedly supporting the sister?

I don't agree with those saying she's leading her life. She isn't if she's expecting others to pay for it.

[LadyPrigsbottom]

No, I think the sister is living her life AND she is asking for some financial support, (we don't actually know how much). I don't think that is right, but it doesn't mean she is not living her life. Many people get substantial assistance with finances from parents. Less so from siblings, but possibly it is more common when the sibling is a very high earner. Not saying that should be the case or that it should just be expected. Not at all. But to say she doesn't have her own life because she has received financial help is a huge leap and quite unkind and belittling. If someone gets help from an inheritance for example, to put down a deposit for a house, does that mean it isn't their real house? If someone gets help through university from parents, do they not really have their own degree?