To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

Your sister certainly has her faults but honestly OP, the way you're putting yourself across here makes you sound utterly horrible and twisted with jealousy.

I don't know what the answer is but you need to back off from her I think, as your attitude can't be helping.

Crikey, let her get on with her life and stop interfering. I wouldn't be impressed about being emotionally blackmailed to come home at age 36, by a sibling who has decided they know better me. You've made your choices. And at 36 she should make hers.

If it wasn’t 30 years out on age and the wrong sex I would think this was about my uncle and Dad. Uncle is an absolute fucking chancer who has been a chancer for as long as I’ve been alive (almost 40 odd years). Failed marriage, got absolute financially thumped in the divorce and lost the house to his ex wife (no kids) that my grandparents had brought outright (but being sweet naive folk never stipulated that their buying it outright should involve my ex aunt not being on the deeds) and became homeless in his late 40s and had to be bailed out my my grandparents again. Then joined a super weird religion and started preaching to everyone and essentially became a cult leader for a while. He’s now moved with the bloody Moonies or whatever they are to some new age compound in another European country and got stuck there since corona leaving my Dad as the soul carer of my now widowed, very difficult, 94 year old Nan. Uncle still has the audacity to ring my Dad for not doing enough/running around enough after my Nan though, but from a phone box because this cult he’s in don’t believe in technology so there’s no way of contacting him other than via post 😳 They had a huge argument only a few weeks ago over the phone when uncle could be fucked to get in touch because my Nan had gone into hospital with suspected corona but obviously couldn’t tell uncle as we didn’t have a carrier pigeon to hand. In the heat of the argument my Dad said he was done, he was sick of being the default kid as he has been for 40 odd years and my uncle had to come back and do something to help or
My Dad was going to change his name and move house and “fuck the both of you” (meaning my uncle and grandmother). Uncle is meant to be returning for crisis talks while my Nan remains in a rehab facility, but no word yet on when that might be.

Sorry that turned into a whole rant about my crap
Family. Anyway, the point is- don’t let yourself end up like my Dad. Say and do something now. We are now in the ridiculous situation where me and my sister and our kids do more for my Nan than her own son. My sister has a 15yr old doing his great Nans shopping, meanwhile 60+ yr old uncle rings her once a month. And uncle is the golden chid too so he’s absent and useless but my Nan still sings his praises. Honestly, I’ve watched my Dad slowly building to a stroke these last few months, take action now so you don’t end up that way.

you sound too involved, judgemental and controlling. you are BOTH adults. allow each other to live your lives as adults - you may not agree with her choices, but they're not yours to make.

i think you need to step back. a lot.

no one should be forced into caring responsibilities, but you seem to push a heavy amount of expectation her way... STOP it. stop that whole dynamic.

it's not helpful for either of you.

Jesus

Get off the cross we need the wood

I hate to ask but is this a reverse? It kind of reads like one with the repetitive talk about her not having come through puberty

PS I hadn’t read the other responses before replying- quite surprised by the amount of stick you’re getting. Clearly other people have less wank families than us!

What's not adult about working in a developing country?

Do you find it surprising that she doesn't like being around family when you're so contemptuous? And why are you despising her for changing courses are uni? What's pubescent about that? You sound incredibly young and bitter.

I think this happens a lot, some siblings in a family basically leave the work of family to another one, and seem to hold them responsible. In my mum's family it's fairly typically along sex lines. The boys don't help out much, the girls are expected to cope with issues of ageing parents and their sibling who needs help.

I've never really seen a good solution though.

What she does with her life is none of your business, what she does or doesn't do for your parents is her choice and between her, them and her conscience.

What you do for your parents is entirely your choice.

Honestly I think you need to do a bit of growing up yourself.

You can’t force her to be the person she is not, all you have control of is what you are willing to do for your parents and what you are not, establishing your own boundaries. Less time thinking about what she “ought” to be doing will make you a happier person, since she is never going to live up to your expectations, which are to be honest a bit unreasonable. She is her own person and makes her own life choices, and whether you approve of them or not is irrelevant. She get to decide how to interact with her parents based on her own experiences and feelings and you need to leave her to it.

I have an absolutely useless brother who’s now 31. He’s the only relative I have locally. When my mum was alive he never had any contact with her unless he wanted something, usually money. When she was dying he was useless, everything fell to my sister and I. After she died, I spent a full year sorting out things with her house (very complex situation) despite being pregnant then having twins. He came to us for money frequently (he has a job, he’s just useless), once he got his share of the house and we helped him buy a flat he disappeared. He knows that we have a very tough time with both of our boys being disabled - he has no interest, never remembers their birthday even but occasionally he will pop up on Facebook bitching about how his family don’t care about him. He’s caused me so much stress and worry and I’m just done with it now, so I do understand (my mum also had a brother who was similar).

Having said that, you need to stop expecting her to be any different from who she is. She won’t be. Accept it and get on with your life without her in it. Stop policing her life choices and let her make her own mistakes and deal with the consequences of her own actions.

You sound like you really don’t like her much at all, that’s fine not all sisters are close. Why do you care so much about what she does though.
Why do you need to be so over involved in your parents lives do you enjoy playing the martyr? Your dad is 60 I guess your mum is a similar age? If your DSis comments on you not visiting them enough say they are 60 not 80 and perfectly capable of organising their own lives. Most people that age are still working full time I’m that age and will be working until I’m 67 if I want to wait for my pension. My grown up kids don’t run around after me and my DH even though we have had a few medical issues over the years. We both have our own mums to look out for, who really are elderly and infirm. We look out for our grown up children and help them financially ( they don’t earn good money) my DH is helping our youngest with DIY ( socially distanced) at the moment, we help with caring for our grandchildren (not just now cause of Covid), just living our lives as best we can.
You are going to burn yourself out rushing round your folks wait til they are older and need it and lay off guilt tripping your DSis.

It’s not her job to look after your parents, it’s not yours either. You both need to accept that and carry on.

My DHs brother tried to make DH (who barely saw their mum) take one more responsibilities with her because he thought it was unfair that he was doing it all alone. And it was (as it is for many only children who shoulder such burdens alone), but that was his choice. DH just didn’t have that kind of relationship with her and didn’t see why his brother was so angry at him for not wanting to spend time with someone who had been so abusive to him.

You can’t make your sister care, all you can do is decide how much you care and get on with it.

Your sister is doing what's best for her. I suggest you do the same. If you don't want to do everything for your parents then you need to start saying no.

Start saying no to your parents?

Is your mum unable to go to the funeral to support your dad?

Are there things that you want to do but can't because of the time you give to your parents?

You sound hugely resentful of each other. You need to disentangle yourself from her and rebuild a healthier sibling relationship, in time. But have some space first. Don't communicate with her on your parents behalf either, they are grown ups.

It was wrong of her to ring you demanding you take care of your parents. That's it though as far as I can see with regards her being unreasonable. She has a job she loves in another country, just because that wouldn't be your choice for your life doesn't make it a lesser choice.

It doesn't sound as though you father has been a good parent so it is completely reasonable that your sister has no desire to be involved. I have just cut off contact with my parents because they were rubbish and anyone who told me I had to have anything to do with them would get short shrift from me!

If you want to care for your parents then do so but don't make your sister do so and don't let her tell you what to do either.

You sound hugely over-involved in her life.

Part and parcel of growing up is learning that we cannot and should not try to control other people - yet that's exactly what you are trying to do to her. Emotionally blackmailing her into returning home, trying to pressure her into going to this funeral - it sounds as if there's a life lesson that you still haven't grasped, which is that she's an independent adult in her own right.

If she's abroad and cannot access a cash machine then that's her problem, as an adult, to sort out. Likewise if she decides not to attend family gatherings - whether that's a birthday, a hospital visit or a funeral - then that's her decision. If your parents are unhappy with her for not doing so, then that's for them to discuss with her. If she wants to criticise you from a distance about what you do and don't do, then you politely remind her that it's none of her business.

Stop judging her decisions by your standards, focus on your own life and let her get on with it.

You sound like you don’t like your family very much. You should probably take a break from them yourself.

When you’ve been the scapegoat it’s hard to stop trying to prove you’re worthy of love, but you will never get thanks for it.

Honestly what would it achieve? If I were you I’d just have very little to do with her anymore and get on with it.

She’s coming across as childish, selfish and living in a dream world and you sound jealous, petty and overbearing.
If you don’t WANT to look after your parents after years of being made to feel like shit, then don’t, but if you do then don’t expect help and stop moaning.
I really don’t understand the issue.

I'm not sure about the flack for trying to make her come back. It's the family that would have to make arrangements if the sister was stuck in some far off place without proper medical care or money.

Step back and only do what you are willing to do for your parents. When she demands you do x y z for them you say no, just like she has the right to say no to going to the funeral.

You sound as bad as each other. I think I'd fuck off to another country if I had you berating me at every opportunity.

YABVU to keep calling what your sister has "puberty" I think it's you that has to grow up there.