To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

[NoMoreMuchin]

Wow OP I think if I was your sister I'd be off abroad too. Its rare to read a post with such simmering animosity for another.

You admit in a rather vague way your father was less than stellar and was not always there for you both as children yet by your own admission emotionally blackmailed your sister to come home from her happy life elsewhere and expect her to turn up to a funeral of someone she did not know to support a parent she has deliberately extracted herself from. Yet she is refusing to step back into that role and is sticking up for herself, much to your chagrin.

I suspect I'd rather like your sister.

[lakesidesummer]

If this isn't a reverse then my sympathy lies with your dsis.
I can't understand why she was pressured to return to the UK from her job.
It isn't her job to support her parents, it isn't yours either by the way. So she was wrong to pressure you about that and you should push back about that.
It is great if families choose to support each other but it is a choice.
Your dsis gets to choose her life, you get to choose yours, you don't have to make the same choices.
If you are very fed with your dsis you should maybe look at why? Is she getting to make choices that you would like to make and think you can't?

[Rigamorph]

I agree with most of the other posters. You sound like chalk and cheese and it sounds as if it will be very difficult to see from each other's point of view.
Telling her to GTFU is going to ruin any relationship you may have.
Care of elderly relatives is a huge issue in the Western world where people are living further and further away from each other, and I am afraid I don't have the solution to that, but as other people have said it is necessary that you only do as much as you actually want to do, or your resentment will extend towards your parents as well as your sister and ruin any relationship with them too.

[Idontgiveagriffindamn]

She shouldn’t be giving you a hard time about looking after your parents but that’s all I can see she’s done wrong.
You’ve put yourself into the role of ‘cater’ for your parents and it sounds as if you’re martyring yourself.
She’s decided it’s not for her and is doing something that makes it happy - you seem to think that because it’s in a developing country it’s less valid than doing something in your hole country (UK?).
She has every right not to go to a funeral of someone she doesn’t know well. Again you’ve decided that you’ll be there to support your dad - that is your choice.
Basically get off her back and let her make her own choices.
If you want to do something different with your life or take less of a role in your parents life do it. If you choose not to don’t blame your sister

[Idontgiveagriffindamn]

She shouldn’t be giving you a hard time about looking after your parents but that’s all I can see she’s done wrong.
You’ve put yourself into the role of ‘cater’ for your parents and it sounds as if you’re martyring yourself.
She’s decided it’s not for her and is doing something that makes it happy - you seem to think that because it’s in a developing country it’s less valid than doing something in your hole country (UK?).
She has every right not to go to a funeral of someone she doesn’t know well. Again you’ve decided that you’ll be there to support your dad - that is your choice.
Basically get off her back and let her make her own choices.
If you want to do something different with your life or take less of a role in your parents life do it. If you choose not to don’t blame your sister

[Mawbagz]

Mines a total bitch
I avoid her

If you need to tell her to step up in moments of crisis then do so but don’t waste your time frothing.

[AnyOldMorricone]

You sound hurt and angry, which then in your post comes across as bitterness. Her career as you describe it doesn’t sound ‘pubescent’ or teenage, it just sounds like someone trying to create a life they like and exploring the careers available to them. It sounds like you’d already developed considerable resentment towards her for her role as the responsible ‘golden’ child, and now want everyone else to notice just as keenly as you do when she doesn’t conform to this role. It sounds (from what you’ve written) like you pounce on everything she does that could possibly be perceived as a fuck up and you want recognition now that she is not the person that she was made out to be in order to justify the preferential treatment.

Fair enough that you feel aggrieved at the dynamics that were imposed upon you by others. It’s a shit thing to experience and I’m sure the roles you and your sister were cast in doesn’t reflect who you both are as individuals. But it sounds like you’re directing your anger in the wrong direction. It also sounds like she didn’t enjoy being cast as the perfect one either.

You don’t have to like your sister. But the actions of your sister you describe are totally out of proportion with the anger you feel about them. I would try and work out how to come to peace with the way your parents treated you both, not for your sister’s sake but for yourself. Your anger may well be entirely justified (in the wider context) but you don’t need to carry that burden of feeling so hurt.

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

I can’t get over describing a degree educated former teacher who works for a charity overseas as ‘failing at adulting’.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you? You say yourself that there was a golden child/black sheep situation and that your Dad was a shitty parent, do you really not have the slightest inkling why she’s distanced herself?

This is so bizarre that I think it’s a reverse. If it’s not, get over yourself.

[LinemanForTheCounty]

It sounds like you have a whole heap of unresolved issues in regard to your sister. Only you can know where that comes from. Please tread carefully with her because if you continue as you are you risk alienating her for the sake of a dead uncle you admit you hardly knew.

As others have said I don't see what's "adolescent" about living and working abroad and enjoying it. And, hindsight is always 20/20 ofc but depending on where she was, given the shitfist our government and health service have made of covid, she may well have been safer staying somewhere with more restrictions on activity aimed at reducing transmission and presumably with access to good quality private healthcare as part of her employment package so although you perhaps meant well with the repatriation issue your meddling may well have put her in a worse situation.

[whattimeisitrightnow]

I’d bet everything I own that she knows exactly how you feel about her, OP: that you resent her, think she’s immature, and view her as the golden child. So it’s no wonder that she’s hostile toward you.
Her work abroad was very important, especially during a pandemic. It was unfair of you to whine at her until she came back.

[ZazieRosa]

Stop doing the things you resent having to do. Just stop. Don’t think you have to get her to take on more of the responsibility before you stop. Just stop.

And from there on, you don’t get to comment on or influence or manipulate her choices and she doesn’t get to comment on or influence or manipulate yours.

And by the way, if she was the golden child and you were the black sheep, that is your parents’ fault, not her fault. Let their behaviour influence your relationship with them, not with someone else.

It could be that a lot of your (justified) resentment stems from doing things for the people who treated you badly (your parents) and when you stop doing those things a lot of the fog of bad feeling will clear, and you will be better able to relate to your sister. I don’t mean you’ll suddenly be buddy-buddy-best mates, but at least she (or rather an image of her your parent have created) won’t have set up camp in your head.

And maybe consider if the reason she flees the family situation is, at least in part or on some level, because she realises it’s toxic, that she can’t change it, and that all she can do on her own is put some distance between herself and the family.

[teaflake]

YABU for trying to enforce your will on your sister. She's also BU for complaining about what you should be doing, when she's so far away.. My brother tried this crap on me. We ended up not speaking for 20 odd years.

I think you should think about what you're actually prepared to do for your parents and what you're not, and not be guilted into more.
Plus they're in their 60s, not their dotage.

[Chamomileteaplease]

I too don't understand why you have labelled her immature just because she works for a charity abroad .

The only thing I agree with you about with regard to your sister's actions is that no way should she tell you that you aren't doing enough! When she does nothing.

But if you choose to do all that you are doing then you cannot complain. Just do what you are happy to do. Sounds like you are jealous of your sister's freedom. But if you only do what you want to do then there's no need to be envious.

[ThousandsAreSailing]

YABU leave her to her own decisions.

[wildcherries]

@KarenMcKaren

Crikey, let her get on with her life and stop interfering. I wouldn't be impressed about being emotionally blackmailed to come home at age 36, by a sibling who has decided they know better me. You've made your choices. And at 36 she should make hers.

This! Many, many times over. I'd massively resent this kind of interference from a sibling. You can't force her to do what you think she should do. I think you are the one who needs to get a grip, honestly.

[PrincessBuggerPants]

"I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since."

You need to back off. It sounds unlikely that she is the 'golden child' if you managed to make her do this, anyway. It sounds like your really the top of the pile and very controlling with it.

[museumum]

So she conformed throughout childhood doing what others expected of her and now she's found a life that makes her happy you berate it as juvenile and wrong?
why shouldn't she live abroad? leave her alone.

Only YOU can decide if YOU are doing enough, the right amount or too much for your parents. You've clearly supported them a lot but you don't have to. You need to decide if you're willing to give of yourself and how much and stand by that. Yes, I know you'll say that supporting them is the only ethical and moral thing to do but that IS your decision, own it as such. You cannot make that decision for your sibling.

[Mittens030869]

It's very difficult to know who is being U between you and your sister, as we're obviously only hearing your side. It sounds as if you have a chip on your shoulder tbh; you see your sister as having been the favoured child, but would she see it that way? She was out of order to pressure you into doing more for your parents, but you're out of order to be judging her life choices and putting them down to late puberty, what the hell does that mean??

Relationships between sisters can be tricky; my DSis and I have had a fair few clashes over the years. But we have each other's backs and don't allow our clashes to damage our relationship like you and your sister are doing.

I think you both need to learn to communicate with each other, and stop judging. You both have your own lives to lead; your choices will be different, but that doesn't mean that you can't work together without trying to score cheap points.

I suspect your parents (particularly your father from what you've said) have a lot to answer for and maybe you both need to pull back from your parents. As has been pointed out on this thread, they're only in their 60s and they can look after yourselves. (You haven't mentioned health problems or disabilities on their part.(

[billy1966]

OP,
60 is not old.
You clearly don't like your sister.
You cleanly feel you were treated poorly by your parents, hence the "black sheep" cap.

You clearly feel a misplaced obligation to your parents.

Finally, you clearly are being a right martyr here.

Sort yourself out.
Help out your parents ONLY if you want to.

Don't accept any bullshit from your sister.

Get on with your own life.

[Butchyrestingface]

You somehow managed to refer to puberty/adolescence FIVE times in what was by no means a particularly lengthy opening post. It didn't half give me the ick.

Is this a running theme in you inner monologue?

I wonder how many times the words "burning martyr" would feature in your sister's rejoinder?

[roseapothecary]

In what way is your sister childish, going through puberty or failing at adulting? She is a qualified teacher who now works for a charity abroad, a job that he loves and is presumably very rewarding.
You are clearly so jealous of your sister, but you need to work at letting go of the resentment. I'm sure it is hard being the one stuck at home supporting your 'less than stellar' parents while your sister is off being happy in 'paradise', especially as you clearly feel you got the raw deal as a child.

However:
no-one is under any obligation to give up on their dreams to stay at home supporting their parents. I understand many of us do feel obliged to do that, but it is a choice. You have chosen to do this, you can't blame your sister for that
You say that she was the golden child. If this is true then maybe do a bit more reading up on the effects this can have. Being the golden child is not necessarily a good thing, and it may help you to understand your sister's feelings and actions towards your parents a bit more.
Additionally as a fellow scape goat, I find myself still now, in my 30's going out of my way for my parents, trying to win their love and approval, as they have always made it feel conditional. This may not be the case for you but it is something I have to bw consciously aware of in my relationship with my parents so thought it worth mentioning.
You sound like you're unhappy, and So you want your sister to be at home, unhappily teaching instead of happy abroad. Maybe work on your own happiness instead. It's nice of you to be there for your parents but make sure you are looking after yourself too, and choosing to do things that make you happy.

[Beautiful3]

You should not be black mailing her nor telling her what to do. If she doesnt want to attend her uncles (who she doesnt know) funeral, that's up to her. You need to back off. If she doesnt want to help, that's on her, not you. Only do what you can for your parents. Dont be afraid to ask social services for support.

[roseapothecary]

Apologies for numerous typos. I normally check but am currently being dragged around the house by my toddler

[TempestHayes]

Sounds like it's time to stop talking to her. She can't berate you for things if you block her texts and don't answer the phone, nor can you 'emotionally blackmail' her to come home when she didn't want to.

Time to live your life and not be concerned with hers.