To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

[3ismylot]

I wonder if being the golden child was actually very damaging to her and I wonder what kind of pressure she felt to have to achieve straight As and do well in uni etc. You sound very dismissive of her but it sounds like she has found a passion and is following it, so it is wrong of you to be bitter about it, although I agree she shouldn't be dictating how much you do for you parents.
I also wonder if you are resentful that your sister has managed to 'escape' as it sounds as if your family dynamic wasn't great. No one 'owes' their parents anything just for being raised so if you are not happy being the default daughter then simple don't do it but don't blame your sister for living her life.

[BeccaB1981]

is this a reverse, OP?

[bee222]

YABVU

She sounds like she has her shit together and has a great career. People can change their minds and do different things. I fail to see how anything she is doing is adolescent. You said yourself ,she left because she got her dream job.
You sound bitter and judgemental because she hasn’t taken the traditional route and stayed home close to family.

[dickiedavisthunderthighs]

She worked for a charity in a developing country and you emotionally blackmailed her into coming home? You clearly don't like her so perhaps this was your way of legitimately clipping her wings so she could be as miserable as you clearly are.
Let the woman live her life.

[Lockdownseperation]

@Crazycrazylady

Honestly it sounds like you resent her massively. She has no right to pressure you re your parents care but you had no right to emotionally blackmail her into coming home because it made your life easier.
Sometimes siblings move away and while it's harder on those remaining with elderly parents care, it's just one of those things.
Honestly i don't see the need for her to attend your uncles funeral as she wasn't close to him and you're already attending wit him for support. Bring brutally honest it sounds a little like you love playing the martyr.

I agree with all of this.

Neither of you should be telling the other what to do.

[MatildaTheCat]

I’d be very surprised indeed if your DS remembers her childhood in the way that you do. It seems far more likely that she was forced into a super A grade student role and couldn’t wait to ditch it and run away.

This could mean very deep and lasting resentment towards your parents. Instead of all your rage why not try talking to her and trying to both of you find some common ground that you can build on?

Set some boundaries for yourself around your parents and allow yourself a life which is yours and separate from them. Ask DS what she can offer and build on that.

Your parents are young. International travel and work is commonplace. It’s still possible to be supportive from afar.

You can’t change her or your parents but you can change your own attitude to the situation which is clearly upsetting you.

[LittleDonk]

It sounds like she's done some great and worthwhile things with her life, working for charities abroad.

I don't get how you equate that to being pre-pubescent.

She's just living a different life to you. Many people live in different countries to their family. You can't sacrifice what you want to do with your life in case a parent under 60 loses their job or is ill.

I think you sound jealous and resentful, and rather "small world" mentality. She's living her life.

If this isn't a reverse I'm on her side on this one. Having your own life doesn't make you selfish. Expecting another person to sacrifice their own life to manage their parents is more so.

[PotteringAlong]

You sound like an arse. I am almost certain she will go back abroad after this and you will never see her again.

Your parents are 60. That’s not old.

[Mydogisthebestest]

YABU. You are way too invested in her life.

She’s an adult. She can do what she likes.

Do you always emotionally blackmail her (funeral, flight) to get what you what?

[AdobeWanKenobi]

and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since

Were you this much of a bitch to her when you were growing up or is it a more recent thing?
If the former, I suspect she's getting out of your way.

[MarioPuzo]

YABU it sounds like you are the immature one. Why are you so desperate to please your parents when even you say they haven't treated you well? They are only in their 60s!

Your sister had a fulfilling life that she enjoyed, perhaps you should try to get one too? Your bitterness shines out from every word in your post. Stealing joy from her life won't make yours any happier

[Shamoo]

It’s clear how much you don’t like her and resent her. But you can’t change her. You just need to let her lead her life, and you lead yours.

She shouldn’t have forced you to do more for your parents (you should only do what you ware happy to do). But you shouldn’t have made her come back from where she was living, not your decision. If she doesn’t want to go to the funeral that’s up to her (and your dad’s response is up to him). Nothing to do with you.

I say this because you will be much happier in life if you can accept this position: as they teach you in the 12 steps programmes “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.”

[ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]

You're still trying to earn tour parents love and get away from "black sheep" status.

She doesn't have to.

She's not spoilt, selfish , going through puberty etc., she just has no incentive to go out of her way for people that in her eyes don't deserve it, even if they're her parents. You do.


Playing the "look how much better and caring I am than her" won't give you the results you want either. It's rare that the golden child/black sheep roles ever get evened out, much less reversed.

[Fruitbowlflowers]

You do realise that she isn’t obligated to be there for your parents don’t you. You have chosen to be there for them whilst she has not. She may have had an entirely different experience of growing up in your family than you did. You also have a choice over how involved you are with your parents too, they are only in their sixties not their eighties.
I wonder if you feel resentful that you fee you need to look after them and she has chosen not to. It doesn’t sound easy for you but you get to choose to.

[user1493413286]

I can imagine it’s hard that you can’t share the load but you don’t have to do those things; you’re letting yourself be pushed into this role when equally you could say no.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Your not being forced by your sister to do anything. In fact you forced your sister to come when she didn't want to.

Decide what you are happy to do for your parents and stick to that. You can make your sister do what she doesn't want to, it sounds like moved away to avoid family for her own valid reasons.

[Ponoka7]

The golden children are as let down by their parents as the scapegoat. You've both suffered from the way you eere parented. You've chose to ignore it, stay in the area that you've grown up in and run around for your parents. She's got out. There's nothing childless about what she's doing. You are looking at this completely wrong. Your parents haven't done your sister any favours. I've known plenty of people who've decided that teaching, SW, the Police aren't for them. She works abroad. Importing skills is vital to developing countries. I don't know why you think you're doing better.

[Littlemeadow123]

She sounds like hard work, but you were being unreasonable by blackmailing her into coming home. She needs to live her own life and her own life doesn't have to revolve around you and your parents. It seems like she really loved her work abroad, and I can understand why she's angry at having being pushed into giving it up.

I do think that how you were both treated while growing up is colouring your judgement a bit here.

[Signalbox]

YABU you sound like you’ve got a massive chip on your shoulder.

[PurpleButterflyAway]

You sound abusive, it’s no wonder she’s moved as far away as possible.

[Positivevibesonlyplease]

YANBU. However, some people are not family oriented and prefer to create their own ‘family’ - friends who share their values. I would just let her get on with it. You do you and let her do her. If you feel you can’t cope and need her support, then ask her for it, otherwise just make your own choices and let her make hers. Your parents are really fortunate that they’ve been able to lean on you so much. Personally, I would hate to do that to my daughter, I’d much prefer to independently get out of my problems myself. I hope you find peace with your choices and let your sister do the same

[Ponoka7]

Also in some developing countries there were problems with people abandoning the people who they were helping, to be repatriated. Your Parents didn't need her more.

[Branleuse]

Your parents are 60. You make it sound like they are elderly.
You and your sister sound like youre both pretty judgy of each other

[ShebaShimmyShake]

What's this "family shit" and "less than stellar father" stuff?

[RedOasis]

I d ok not think you being unreasonable. Sister sounds like a handful. Unfortunately parental care generally always falls to just one sibling I’ve noticed over the years. ( not just in my family). It is unfair. And it’s ok for her to live her life. But to make demands of you when she isn’t bothering seems extremely self centred. If it were me I would call her out on it. We all kind of have to grow up some time , wether naturally or forced by circumstance