To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

[Lostmyshityear9]

I think you will have a far better relationship with your sister if you accept her rather than judge her. She's not you. She's living the life she wants to live. Let her live it. Maybe visit her when she's abroad and see what her work is all about rather than dismiss it as nothing at all because you don't really get it and think it shouldn't be what grown adults do. Not all grown adults want a house, husband/wife and children. Some adults have dreams that go way beyond that. Wish to hell I'd followed mine, believe me.

[back2good]

YABU mostly.

The only exception is putting up with ANY berating from her over you doing or not doing enough for your parents. Tell her to fuck off.

Everything else?

None of your business.

[ThickFast]

What do you mean by ‘not great at adulting?’ She sounds like she’s got a brilliant career in a competitive field, met loads of interesting people and had fun. And ‘ran away to developing country’ ?? She didn’t run away, she’s living her life. What would you rather she did? Had a boring job and lived a boring life? And she’s not acting like she’s going through puberty. She sounds like she has an exciting life. You sounds so angry and resentful. You don’t have to live a life of drudgery. Why don’t you go off and have adventures too?

[Milicentbystander72]

This sounds like Sue and Auntie Angela from Outnumbered.

[Butchyrestingface]

I can’t get over describing a degree educated former teacher who works for a charity overseas as ‘failing at adulting’.

'Not a top performer at adulting', I believe was the expression.

I've never thought of people who work in developing countries in that way. It's not exactly living it large in Shagaluf, is it?

I wonder what OP thinks of bomb disposal experts working in conflict zones? External students?

[Oldraver]

I think you are the one that needs to grow the fuck up, all this puberty nonsense

[Veterinari]

She has her life and her choices. You have your life and your choices. If you don't want to be the dependable daughter don't be.

Tell her that you're no longer responsible for taking care of your parents. If you want to look after them do, if you don't, don't. But don't blame her for your choices, its clearly making you bitter and resentful.

[ConnellWaldronsChain]

People are different. You and your DSis have followed different paths in life but just because she hasn't followed a conventional career or settled in one country that doesn't meam she is 'stuck in puberty' nor inferior to you in some way.

The whole family dynamic sounds a bit unhealthy tbh what with you insisting she return to the UK to give 'peace of mind' to her parents and the constant expectation that you are both there for you parents whenever they require it (even though they are only in their early 60s).

It sounds like you might all need to grow up a bit and start respecting each others choices and not making constant demands from one another

[handslikecowstits]

You're jealous.

[GimmeAy]

You don't care for her yet manipulated her into coming home.
You sound like a pain in the arse quite frankly. Let your parents get on with it. You seem to be stuck in everything then complaining about it!

[wibblywobblywoo]

You do come across as having painted yourself into a mental corner over your sister - she's immature/unthinking/irresponsible and you're the martyr to her hedonist.

Are you possibly a bit envious of her 'freedom', of the choices she's made and where it's taken her in life?

You are in your thirties so hardly 'past it' - if a different lifestyle to your current one appeals to you, do it, make the necessary changes and go for it. But do it for you, the way that works for you, because that's all we CAN do - live OUR life. She's doing things her way - you don't like it? newsflash - you don't have to! It's her life.

And FFS, as others have said, your parents are 60 not 80!!! They could be working for another 15 years, they could adopt a new lifestyle, relocate, whatever. Of course you want to help if there are specific issues to get through but unless their problems are far more serious than you've outlined so far there's no need for you to be 'there' for them every day.

Let them live their life, your sister live hers and you get on with yours.

[SeagoingSexpot]

I'm with everybody else; she shouldn't be telling you to do more, but YABMassivelyU in every other way.

What's very striking is that you admit without reservation that you emotionally blackmailed her into coming home not because she in any way wanted to, but so you and your parents wouldn't worry. And you clearly believe this is fully justified because You were Right. And you're angry that she resents this manipulation. And your rightness appears to be based on the fact that... She's not living the life you and your parents mapped out for her, which involved being a teacher, picking a path early on and sticking with it, and staying close to home, apparently? You expect her to be grateful for a "rescue" she didn't ask for and didn't want from something that never happened. And you seem to think it's obvious why you would be angry about the fact that she likes her life and the people overseas..? God, it sounds absolutely suffocating for her. I think I'd fuck off to another country in those circumstances.

Have you ever read up on the Drama Triangle? Because you sound very stuck in being a destructive "rescuer". You're rescuing your parents who aren't elderly, you're trying desperately to turn your sister into a dependent child so you can justify rescuing her too. You need to break out of this mode.

[GingerScallop]

She sounds like someone who is still trying to find herself. You sound like the (self?) sacrificial lamb that never looked for herself. You both need therapy I think. Or at least a deep, honest, anger free discussion (hard to do on your own). But ultimately, whether she comes to this funeral or not won't fix things. Let her skip it. You two have more important things to deal with.

[SunshineCake]

Sounds like every time she criticises you for not being there she has to explain exactly what she means. How is financially helping them not being there, the funeral etc etc.

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

Cut contact with her to the bare minimum and also make sure you don't get drawn into bailing her out in the future ie when she comes back from abroad and has nowhere to.live in the UK. Also don't allow her to criticise you for what you do for your parents.

[BigtimeLittlesis]

Wow! This took off ... and within the span of ne taking one meeting! I shan't be in a position to answer every single post individually ... but I'll try to address the major points:

Do I feel resentful?
Bloody hell, yes, I do! You don't get to call me on a weekly basis and guilt-trip me about "nobody looking after mum and dad" when you're thousands of miles away and can't be arsed to pop by every other year yourself. I do feel hurt and taken for granted on that one! Especially since both my parents continue to give her money - as do I - on a regular basis. I really do resent that. A lot!

Did I call my sister home from a successful / fulfilling career abroad due to COVID?
No, I didn't. The OP may not have been entirely clear in this respect but:
Her mandate had ended. She was back home but had gone back "travelling" at the time with no paid work either there or at home. I.e. she was stranded there with no means of making a living, her usual expenses at home continuing and nobody having a clue when she'd be able to return back home. And with bodies piling up just across the border.

I offered to pay for her flat and running expenses back home until she could return just because I was worried sick about her money running out in the midst of a global crisis and wanted her to save whatever she had.

Am I over-involved?
Perhaps, yes. I wouldn't have asked in AIBU if I weren't asking myself this. I hate being taken for granted or for my sister to dismiss the fact that I've a career that I care about, too (and, still, unlike her - she's been back to temping ever since her original mandate ended). And that what I do is not automatically less important just because she disapproves of my "capitalist" choices.

Does my sister or do I have any obligations towards our family?
No, I guess not.

I am, admittedly, just not quite as good at saying "not my problem, though" as she is. And, in a way, she's not great at it either. It's not as though she doesn't feel it needs doing - just that she seems to think it's entirely okay to expect me to take care of everything.

A bit of background without (hopefully) too much drip-feeding:
I'm a senior executive at a multinational corporation. In other words: I make more money than a girl from the countryside like myself would ever have expected to make. My sister - again, apart from her one stint overseas, which has since ended - has never really managed to hold down any job for more than a year.

As a result, both my parents (divorced) have determined that the "fair" thing to do would be for provisions to be made for her since I'm "obviously able to look after myself". I don't even mind this. I send her money occasionally. Or take her shopping and pay for both of our stuff.

I do, however, fucking mind her somehow thinking that she gets to be supported by all, call mum or dad about every problem, but that it's my job to sort out whenever someone other than her has a problem!

And, no, I didn't mind her working for an overseas charity at all. In fact, I did a few years of the same straight out of uni and before selling my soul to the corporate devil.

I just really, really, really resent what I sense is her feeling entitled to being everyone's (including my own) baby and me getting to be told off for failing to look after mum and dad in return.

And, yes, I do need to learn how to say "no" regardless of what she does. Also, yes, I don't do this quite as well as my sister. Growing up as the black sheep child, I still find it incredibly hard not to bend over backwards to earn my parents' love and approval.

Also, yes, I do love my sister. But I also bloody worry about her. And I do want her to either have my back in not being the designated carer either rather than suggesting I should do more or to pull her own bloody weight.

[Quartz2208]

What do you mean by this

she sort of developed late-onset puberty

Because actually I think you probably have quite toxic parents who have put you into these roles and play both of you (your sister probably berated you after your mum called)

[SpareOom]

You seem to define 'adulting' as 'martyring yourself' and to resent your sister for choosing differently -- one person's 'playing at puberty' is another person's 'not dashing about putting the family first'.

You know, you are perfectly at liberty to choose to go and work at whatever makes you happy wherever you like in the world -- at one point I was living in the ME, and my siblings were doing their thing in China, Japan and Lesotho. No one was babysitting my parents in our home country, and they did not expect it.

In fact, this sounds pretty much exactly like the parable of the Prodigal Son with the sexes switched. You're the well-behaved resentful one who stayed at home while the Prodigal has a good time elsewhere, and you're pissed off your parents haven't acknowledged your dutifulness and thrown you a party.

[anon444877]

Those lazy aid workers - and don’t get me started on the type of layabouts hired by MSF and the Red Cross. Loafers.

Draw better boundaries with your parents @BigtimeLittlesis

[baroqueandblue]

HRTFT (but hard with so many people jumping on you) so apologies if this has already been said, but I think your difficulty stems from trying to parent your sister. Don't. Your parents haven't made the best job of it and that's their problem now. Don't feel so responsible for their wellbeing, either. You need to draw some boundaries and make sure your own needs get put first. They're not that old and your mum isn't at death's door, that's anxiety getting to you.

Try to find a counsellor who can help you work through the enmeshed relationships you have with your parents and sister, so that you can define yourself (for you) more effectively without feeling guilty. What jumps out at me is the sense that you're not well-enough differentiated from your sister if you feel so preoccupied with what she's doing with her life. And you are 'rescuing' your parents, who are independent adults. If they need support they ought to be looking around for other sources, not relying on you to be there so much for them. You were the 'black sheep' and your sister the 'golden child', which was a regrettable mistake made by your neglectful parents. Let them live to regret it! Stop trying to prove that you're lovable enough for them. Accept that they've been remiss and that's their look-out. Focus on having your own life instead of spending it trying to get the love you deserved but missed out on because they were less than perfect themselves!

[handslikecowstits]

OP, your parents won't love you more for looking after them. She is the favourite and no matter what you do you will never be held in the same esteem.

Do yourself a favour - drop the rope. Look after yourself more. It sounds as if no one else in your family is going to.

[TheHoneyBadger]

Honestly get some therapy. Stop the triangulating bullshit and leave her alone. I was the scapegoat yet I identify with your sister as the gift of being the scapegoat is greater ability to give up the game. The golden child generally remains totally enmeshed and trying to remain the winner of a game with no prize.

Are you sure you’ve read the dynamics right?

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

Some people do not want to take any responsibility in life. Imho this particular brand of immaturity is largely due to selfishness.

It is not your job to either a) absorb their share of responsibility or b) berate her for her choice. Let her alienate parents/friends etc through selfish behaviour, or end up poorer etc. Not your problem.

[Branleuse]

I feel a bit differently after reading your update. I think you need to just tell her to piss off and stop hassling you

[SeagoingSexpot]

Her mandate had ended. She was back home but had gone back "travelling" at the time with no paid work either there or at home. I.e. she was stranded there with no means of making a living, her usual expenses at home continuing and nobody having a clue when she'd be able to return back home. And with bodies piling up just across the border.

Your update does add some context, but your last sentence... Seriously, dramatic much? So there were a number of Covid deaths... In a neighbouring country to her?

Has she actually asked you and your parents for money, or to pay her rent and bills while she's away? Because if you don't want her to act like a child or teen, perhaps you should stop treating her like one. If she wants to spend her life working ad hoc and travelling rather than "settling down" to a career and DC, why shouldn't she, as long as she can feed and house herself?

I think this is about the shitty number your parents have done on both your heads. You're taking it out on her and not them for some reason, even though being the Golden Child can be as distorting and damaging a role as the black sheep. You need to step back, decide what you're happy to do for your parents, let the rest go, and quite possibly find a good professional to talk some of this over with.