To think my sister needs to get a grip and grow the fuck up?

[BigtimeLittlesis]

NC because this is definitely outing:

She's 36 and my only sibling.

For as far back as I can remember, she was the Golden Child in our family: sweet, pretty, popular, straight As at school, responsible kid, good school followed by good uni ...

... and then, she sort of developed late-onset puberty and hasn't really snapped out of it since.

Changed subjects / universities several times before graduating. Eventually qualified as a teacher. Got a job, hated it, resigned. Worked as a short-term supply on and off again for a while.

Then found her dream job working for a charity abroad. Did it for some years, was super happy because "people are just so much [insert any number of positives here] around here".

Mandate ended, came back, started teaching again, more of the same.

Ran off to developing country again.

So far so "maybe not a top performer at adulting, but so what?"

But, in the meantime, our parents got older. Mum suffered a hypertensive crisis and spent a week in ICU. Dad lost his job and struggled to find work again at age 60.

Sister would call me from her "escape from reality" paradise and demand I look after them. Which I do, to the best of my abilities. Sister berated me for not going to see mum often enough as she was recovering. Easy for her to say, being a long-haul flight away!

Here's where things come to a head:

Sister took off again in February. Yes, February. Now, granted, things developed fast around that time - but it's hardly as though the looming global crisis wasn't obvious. The situation developed and things got bad. Sister refused to return home. Mum and dad started to worry. Then I started to worry - not so much about her health but about the possibility of an economic crash with her being stuck in a developing country with no access to money that didn't depend entirely upon local cash machines continuing to work.

I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind. She's been silently judging me for "making her do this" ever since.

Now dad's brother has died. Now, I had pretty much no relationship with this man. But when dad asked would I come to the funeral I naturally said yes - not for my uncle but for my father. We've had a difficult relationship at times - but I feel terrible for dad losing his second sibling aged only 61.

Sister is, again, refusing to turn up and blatantly lying, saying she has "work obligations". She doesn't. Schools local to her are on summer break. Then she says she doesn't know the guy. True. But she knows our dad. Then she says dad was not always there for us either and she hates "family shit". Again, true as far as our less than stellar father is concerned - but also: do you really need to play at puberty at this precise moment? Kick people when they're down already?

I've had my fair share of rows with our father - and I was the black sheep child, the one who got all the criticism, not her. But it's just not the moment!

Long story short: I feel that I'm being forced into the role of the dependable, supportive, sensible daughter here because my sister somehow decided to enter puberty at age 21 and to keep it up for a decade and a half. They're her parents, too! She's missed mum's 60th, dad's 60th, mum almost dying, dad losing his job and needing to be financially rescued by me in order to keep the roof over his head, our grandfather dying and now our uncle dying ... and then she dares to berate me for not being there often enough???

WIBU to tell her she's being selfish and pubescent and needs to grow the fuck up - and that I'm not "default daughter" here just because I managed to get over adolescence some time in my early to mid twenties?

And, yes, I love her. Dearly so. But I'm also really hurt and feel I'm being taken advantage of.

[MessAllOver]

It sounds like the two of you just don't gel...

In your shoes, I would:
(1) stop giving her money (and subtly encourage your parents to do the same, less subtly if it's causing financial difficulties for them). She needs to stand on her own financial feet. If she ends up with debts/in a tricky situation, well, she's an adult. She's entitled to make her own life choices but can't expect anyone else to subsidise them.
(2) tell her to f#*k off if she tells you you're neglecting your parents. You know you're doing 100 times more than she is and that's enough. In fact, stop talking to her altogether...from what you say, she just irritates you.
(3) Encourage her to take a second long-distance flight back to where she came from as soon as possible. It sounds like your relationship works better that way.

[Hoppinggreen]

Sounds to me like your parents assigned you roles and you seem determined to stick to them.
They won’t love you more for making your sister be more “responsible” and they won’t love you more because you are more successful in a conventional sense than she is
Her relationship with your parents is between them and her, you should keep out of it.
She shouldn’t “berate “ you so you can tell her to piss off on that score but other than that I don’t see what she’s done that’s so awful

[Hoppinggreen]

And stop being so bloody dramatic as well

[ConnellWaldronsChain]

Having read your update it sounds like your relationship with your DSis is very disfunctional. You both share the responsibility for this (and it clearly hasn't been helped by demanding and interfering parents). There is about 20 years of resentment and frustration festering inside you which can't be healthy and isn't going to be easy to unpick.

Group therapy??

[corythatwas]

Excuse me, but why exactly do your parents need looking after if your dad is only 61 and not (as far as you have mentioned) seriously ill? Why can't he just look after himself and your mum?

Dh is going to be 60 in a few months, I'm going to be that age in a few years time and have hypertension- I consider myself a fully functioning adult who can look after myself, thank you very much. I'd be devastated if dc felt they had to hang around and look after me.

Are you saying no one must ever emigrate because parents who are still of working age and presumably have all their marbles should not be expected to make their own health arrangements?

Yes, a kindly visit from my dc is something I'd expect if I fell ill and they were within reach. But constant care- what is wrong with your dad that he can't care for your mum? And financial rescuing- well nice if you can manage it, but children are under no obligation to become rich enough to rescue their parents.

As for her getting on the repatriation plane- why on earth would she want to travel back to one of the countries with the highest Covid death rates in the world (unless the country she is currently living in is Brazil)??? Are you unaware that many so-called third world countries have done far better regarding Covid preparations than the UK?

[Atadaddicted]

Your sister has grown up
She’s just not led the adult life that you think is acceptable

[SeagoingSexpot]

I'm a senior executive at a multinational corporation. In other words: I make more money than a girl from the countryside like myself would ever have expected to make.

This sentence also really jumped out at me, because it's... Really weird. You needed us to know this: why? Because you don't feel you "deserve" the money you make? Because you feel guilty about being better off than her? Because you've conformed and found conventional success despite not being born to it and HOW DARE SHE DO OTHERWISE? Because that conventional success gives you the moral high ground?

You've told us a lot more about yourself and the issues you struggle with than you have about your sister, tbh.

[lakesidesummer]

Take a step back OP.
What do you want to give your family, emotionally, financially and time wise?
Work out clearly where your boundaries are and stick to them.

It isn't your job to parent your dsis or run round your parents.
Your dsis needs to be told that it isn't your job to do this.
You then need to focus on your own life and not your dsis or your parents.
Your parents need to take more responsibility for themselves and you need to stop seeking approval that would only have made a difference if you had got it as a dc.
You are a fully functioning adult now so don't get pulled back into unhealthy childhood dynamics.

[Atadaddicted]

I can just imagine you stomping around with a cat’s bum mouth!

[blackcat86]

You need to take a massive step back from this whole situation. Stop giving your sister money. You're enabling the behaviour that pisses you off. Id love to travel and work aboard on someone else's dime but it hardly encourages a sense of responsibility does it. Use the money for therapy to develop some much needed boundaries and re-address your family dynamics. You're being a martyr and its quite disturbing the pedestal you've put your parents on whilst labelling yourself the black sheep which suggests a less than idyllic childhood. Your sister missed their 60ths? So fucking what! You've decided these things are important and harboured silly little resentments whilst ignoring the big stuff. What do you say when she tells you to step up and see you parents more? Id tear her a new one the CF! All whilst she's off living her dream and taking your money. Have you got mug tattooed on your forehead. Where are your boundaries? Where's your sense of self worth? Martyrdom is not being an adult, nor is holding your tongue with your sister and keeping that resentment in. There are lots of options for your parents that you could explore. You don't have to do it all alone so you need to realise these are choices not just obligations.

[ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble]

@BigtimeLittlesis your update changes things slightly in regards to I can see why you feel resentful towards your sister. However my point still stands... you do all this because you're still trying to earn your parents' love and respect. She doesn't have to.


Growing up as the black sheep child, I still find it incredibly hard not to bend over backwards to earn my parents' love and approval.

Stop. Just stop. If it hasn't happened in 30 years, it won't happen now. They probably actually feel entitled to your time and support so you'd be lucky to even get a modicum of gratitude back. Do what you want to do , if anything, on your own terms . They can't love you any less.


Stop mothering your sister. She's your sister, not your kid. If she fucks up, she fucks up. She's a grownup and she'll just have to deal with it. Your parents will probably bail her out anyways.

[Lostmyshityear9]

Oh wow. You are way over the top, OP. You're the one who needs to get a grip. If you are resentful of spending money on her, don't do it. And if you continue to spend money on her, do so because she's your sister and you love her, not because you expect her to conform you your way of thinking as a result.

Nothing you have said in your second post suggests you are anything other than angry at her for not being you. People don't have to make a million to be successful.

Xenia, I guess?

[Atadaddicted]

@SeagoingSexpot

I'm a senior executive at a multinational corporation. In other words: I make more money than a girl from the countryside like myself would ever have expected to make.

This sentence also really jumped out at me, because it's... Really weird. You needed us to know this: why? Because you don't feel you "deserve" the money you make? Because you feel guilty about being better off than her? Because you've conformed and found conventional success despite not being born to it and HOW DARE SHE DO OTHERWISE? Because that conventional success gives you the moral high ground?

You've told us a lot more about yourself and the issues you struggle with than you have about your sister, tbh.

What that beauty of a quote indicates to me is the the OP is most definitely NOT in that kind of position.

[Gwenhwyfar]

So, are you saying nobody should ever emigrate? Everyone must live in their home county forever?
I don't blame your Dsis for not wanting to go to the funeral of an uncle she didn't know either. It's nice of you to support your DF but it sounds like he's only in his 60s and your DM is still alive, though maybe still ill.

[BrightYellowDaffodil]

Her mandate had ended. She was back home but had gone back "travelling" at the time with no paid work either there or at home. I.e. she was stranded there with no means of making a living, her usual expenses at home continuing and nobody having a clue when she'd be able to return back home. And with bodies piling up just across the border.

Wow, really? You really had no right to do that and I'd be bloody resentful of a sibling (or indeed anyone) who strong-armed/emotionally-blackmailed me into doing something I really didn't want to do because of their own dramatic worry.

Seriously OP, I'd get yourself some decent therapy to sort out how you feel about your family. It sounds like not only do you need to address how you feel about yourself (e.g your desire for approval) but some boundaries - in both directions - when it comes to others. Your sister is an adult and deserves to be allowed to be treated as such, and you need to be able to recognise that.

[YippeeKayakOtherBuckets]

OP should consider seeing a special kind of doctor perhaps.

And maybe avoid taking trips on any ferries.

[19lottie82]

YABU ok, she shouldn’t be berating you BUT you expect her to fly from the other side of the world to attend the funeral of an uncle she didn’t even know?

Your parents are only 60, that is not elderly. If you want to take a step back then do so, just don’t blame it on your sister for going off and living her life.

[Atadaddicted]

I travelled in Feb
Long haul with two children
Trust me - there really wasn’t even the hint of a lockdown in mid feb
It happened very very quickly

[diddl]

You need to tell her to fuck off or do it herself if she tells you what to do re your parents.

You have your relationship with your parents & she has hers.

Don't to anything for her or your parents that you don't want to.

Let them all sort their own shit out for a while!

[SengaStrawberry]

She sounds like an arsehole. I’d suggest just going NC.

[MaxNormal]

Her not pursuing a conventional career path in a Western country does not mean she's having an extended adolescence.
Your parents are only 60, you don't need to run around after them like they were 90.
If your dad was "less than stellar", she's maybe just good at drawing appropriate boundaries compared to you.
Tbh it's hard to say, but it all sounds very enmeshed.

It's okay not to make yourself miserable having a conventional, "successful" life if that's not your thing, though. I wonder if there's an element of envy on your part?

[shrunkenhead]

You sound heavily invested in your parents' lives. Mine are in their 70s and live 400+ miles away. I visit them three times a year and we chat on the phone maybe twice a month.
I feel no guilt and my sister, who lives nearby (and IS the Golden Child) feels no need to play the martyr or berate me for not being more involved.

[Bumpsadaisie]

"Selling my soul to the corporate devil".

You're really stuck together with your sister and your parents. I think all your emotional energy goes on these stuck together relationships - if your sister has something good then it feels really like she has taken something away from you.

It is much harder to think that perhaps you just aren't all that happy in your own life having sold your soul to the devil and martyred yourself.

Instead of worrying about what your sister is doing, just think about you.

What do YOU want to do with your life?
What job would REALLY like to do?
Do you really want to support your parents?
If so, how much are YOU happy to do?

Answer all these without saying "yes but I can't because X, Y, Z" or "well of course I would but I can't because of X, Y, Z".

You are so stuck together I think the first piece of work you need to do is on what YOU really want. You, not you IN RELATION to your sister, or your parents or anyone else.

Once you have worked this out then you can think of how to do it. Of course there are realities and limitations but there are probably fewer than you think and a lot of your difficulties come from this stuck togetherness.

You have clearly worked hard, are able and financially potent. This must give you a lot of choice in life. It is a shame you can't truly enjoy the space and freedom that could allow you because emotionally ad mentally you are a prisoner - chained up to your family, envying your sister and feeling beholden to your parents.

Therapy can help a lot.

[Macncheeseballs]

Stop lending her money, stop worrying about her and let her live her life in what ever way she chooses

[Atadaddicted]

@diddl

You need to tell her to fuck off or do it herself if she tells you what to do re your parents.

You have your relationship with your parents & she has hers.

Don't to anything for her or your parents that you don't want to.

Let them all sort their own shit out for a while!

@diddl

Well then OP needs to be prepared for the Sis to say same to her!

* I ended up emotionally blackmailing her into getting a re-patriation flight for the sake of everyone's ease of mind*