Who is BU re. appointment, DH or me?

[VanillaRex]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

@notangelinajolie

1. Can you explain why a baby cannot go with you? I had to take 3 DCs with me to a hospital appointment once and nobody batted an eyelid.

1. If it's not life threatening then reschedule. September isn't exactly that far away.

Sorry, I'm not really seeing why all the drama.

So you think the health facility will ignore covid rules for the OP because her partner can’t be bothered to care for his own child?

Can you explain why a baby cannot go with you?
Anyone who’s been to a hospital recently knows you have to attend your appointment alone. Someone can help you to the door if you’re physically ill, but they have to leave you there and the staff take you inside, put a mask on you and spray your hands. You’re not allowed to take another person in with you. That’s before you even consider the logistics of keeping the baby in the buggy and preventing him touching anything, and avoiding touching him with your contaminated hands etc.

Op doesn't need to take the baby-there is another parent at home who has already agreed to look after.

Therefore the other parent needs to sort out childcare if they are no longer available.

If they can't find childcare then they need to be available again.

Oh & also the fact that she's not allowed to!

I am slightly bemused by the number of "take the baby" posts on this thread. Have people not noticed we're in the middle of a global pandemic and health care providers are not operating under "normal" conditions?

He messed up, he regularly does this and says he will change. He sorts out and maybe next time won't mess up!

Just tell him you are still going to the appointment (without baby) and he has to sort it out. I can't actually see the issue - he's a bloke, blokes with babies in work meetings are considered heroes (whereas, of course, a woman would be considered unprofessional).

@puffinkoala I'll excuse you for not RTFT, to say I've just realised in all the video call meetings I've had, it's only been male colleagues that have had their child in their lap or standing by their chair and getting all the awwing. Female colleagues seem to have successfully managed their kids away from the camera. I've no issue with kids in meetings, just realised it has been consistently men.

@Ironmanrocks

I had lots of medical appointments shortly after having my child. It went on for months - I used to take him in his pushchair. If I had to have a scan, a lovely nurse or a receptionist would keep an eye on him for the 5 mins or so that it took. He had toys/books/drink and a snack to keep him busy. No-one minded. Maybe call the department and ask if they can help. If they can't help you, then you insist that your husband does. You've tried to help him, but can't.

Have you heard of the Covid pandemic that's happening? The overwhelming majority of hospital appointments have to be attended by yourself. I've had 3 in recent weeks, had to go in myself whilst DH waited in the car apart from the one where I had sedation and the hospital gave us a letter to allow him into the hospital with me. We had to show it to security at the entrance. No way can she take her child.

@TheBusDriver

Take the child with you? It is not hard really - making a mountain out of a molehill.

If the DH was in the office what would you do?

We are turning people away who bring children with them for medical appointments and making them rebook. Children are not permitted in the building unless the appointment is actually for them.

How do you ‘book leave for a couple of hours’? Just curious as I can only book a half or whole day.

How would he have dealt with it if it were his own appointment? Either book the day off, or block out the time in the diary or whatever his employer requires for such an event.

What a thoughtless ,selfish dick he is. Stick to your guns and go.

OP have you read “getting to 50/50, how working parents can have it all”? It’s a good read with practical tips, recommend you both reading it. It’s a learning curve for you both - good luck 💐

Definitely get out of the default parent dynamic. He is just not thinking of himself as having an additional responsibility because he has the luxury of you ensuring his life hasn't changed. You are 100% in the right here and it's worth calmly insisting he sorts it out.

I agree with everyone else: your health is more important than his meeting.

This is down to his poor planning therefore he needs to rectify it.

If he refuses again then surreptitiously book a hotel the night before your appointment, put DC to bed, make out like you're popping to the shop (make sure your bag is in your car) then leave and text him when you get there but don't tell him which hotel you're in.

Sometime OP they need to learn the hard way: he is PARENTING his not babysitting and it's high time he learned the difference and that life does not revolve around him.

I would go to your appointment. If DH flat refuses to look after baby, take baby with you.

@Localocal

I would go to your appointment. If DH flat refuses to look after baby, take baby with you.

Yet another person who thinks a medical facility will ignore covid rules

As a single mum with no other family I had to take my kids with me to every appointment. It’s inconvenient but unless you are going to be sedated you could take your child with you.
Having said that I’d have felt very differently about taking them if I’d had a partner who refused to watch them because he’d scheduled a work meeting that clashed with my appointment.

@IKissedAFrog

As a single mum with no other family I had to take my kids with me to every appointment. It’s inconvenient but unless you are going to be sedated you could take your child with you. Having said that I’d have felt very differently about taking them if I’d had a partner who refused to watch them because he’d scheduled a work meeting that clashed with my appointment.

Another one who has failed to notice covid.

@FelicisNox
I salute you, you are hard as nails! Great plan

Your health surely takes precedence over his meeting or whatever? He agreed to child mind so let him get on with it. He is the one BU

if OPs been told no babies allowed, they won't be allowed and she will be turned away. My friend went for a long appointment and couldn't take her ebf newborn. Dad stayed in the car with her daughter, she was with them until just before when reception rang her to go in.

My husband always assuming that I would be there to look after our daughter when she was younger. So one day I just left her with him and went to do my hair without telling him. He has to take her with him to his meeting

What annoys me about this, and the 5000 other instances like this I've seen - HE fucks up but YOU are the one who has to fix it. By massively inconveniencing yourself?

Dh has made this kind of screw up. But where it's been decided I have to be the one to fix it, it's a joint decision, taken while he is grovelling for my forgiveness because he knows he's screwed up. In other situations, he just fixes it. It annoys me so much when I see and hear this kind of thing.

When I was in high school, my dad would pick me up on Wednesdays on his way home from work after my sport thing. I had to be standing in an exact spot on the road because had a very tight window to get home in time for him to drop me, change, and rush out to HIS sport thing. On one occasion, he walked through the door without me. "Where's Bling?" said mum. He'd been running a bit late and completely forgot.

She offered to collect me so he could still make his sports group. He refused because he knew it was HIS fuck up and 1. he needed to apologise to me that he'd forgotten me and 2. why should my mum, midway through cooking dinner, have to rush off? THAT is how a normal man responds to making a mistake.

If he'd booked the time off of course this wouldn't be happening.

Not necessarily; it depends on the attitude of the employer. My DH used to work for a company where the job was always expected to come first - even taking precedence over pre-booked holidays if the company demanded it.