Who is BU re. appointment, DH or me?

[VanillaRex]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

[overlooker]

He is BU and you now know you cannot rely on him to provide any childcare. He now has you. This is a power play. He holds all the cards. You now need to work out how to remove him from the childcare equation. You make him surplus to requirements. Or this will be your life until the kids can look after themselves. So you start booking babysitters and finding somebody reliable and building up a relationship. Baby goes to nursery 2 mornings a week etc etc. Find somebody to come into the house to look after the child while you have your appointment. Shame him. Call a family member down or a friend. Can you drive your kid to family the day before then go pick them up after your appointment? It’s not right and it’s not ok but you need to make the appointment by hook or by crook and then work out how to deal with the shit head in your life

[dontdisturbmenow]

How quick posters are to judge without knowing what the appointment is for and OP conveniently doesn't want to mention or what her OH's job entails.

I was asked two days ago to join a meeting which included me chairing it and making an important presentation. Its part of the job. Having a baby in the background would not cut it as I really needed to concentrate on what I was delivering.

Now if my OH had an appointment because of a lump found and was under the 2ww pathway, of course I'd explained to my boss and expect some understanding.

If however it was so he could go to discuss his varicose veins, I would expect him to reschedule.

Its really about the context but we like a good old men bashing here!

[RedOasis]

I would say medical trumps work. HOWEVER....it depends on dh work. My dh wfh but his employer seems unable/ unwilling/ not care that as he wfh certain things may crop up that require his attention. They are v unreasonable about this. I suppose it depends wether dh took the time off as actual leave or just agreed as he had no meeting planned. If this is the case then unfortunately not much you can do about it I’m afraid.

[RedskyAtnight]

I can't see how a 10-month-old in a pushchair, with the rain cover on if necessary, is any more at risk at a medical appt. than at the supermarket.

Your risk assessment is irrelevant though; places providing medical appointments (and I'm thinking hospitals, GPs, dentists, orthodontists, physios ...) simply won't allow anyone into the building except the patient. My 14 year old had to go to her recent medical appointment on her own because she was deemed old enough to not need an accompanying parent.

[slipperywhensparticus]

I had to arrange childcare for a blood test my sister came to the doctors surgery and watched the children who were in my car from outside my car

It really sucks right now

[Redwinestillfine]

Just tell him you can't and ask him what he's sorted In terms of childcare for your child while he's at his meeting.

[Wheresthebiffer2]

Take the baby with you. I've had a smear test with the baby actually sitting on my tummy as I lay down. We do these things when we have no alternative childcare.

Obviously it's not ideal, but if you really have to attend the appointment, make it work.

[SimonJT]

@Wheresthebiffer2

Take the baby with you. I've had a smear test with the baby actually sitting on my tummy as I lay down. We do these things when we have no alternative childcare.

Obviously it's not ideal, but if you really have to attend the appointment, make it work.

So you think the medical facility will happily ignore rules needed due to covid?

[MitziK]

@VanillaRex

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

Tell you've tried to reschedule and they've said no, it's be seen now or discharged?

Some clinics do that, especially with short notice cancellations.

If it's a hospital, you won't be let in with a baby. Many doctor's surgeries have had the rule for about 20 years as well - I remember being turned away and missing my smear because they wouldn't let me bring my baby into the room when she was asleep in the buggy and I had nobody to help watch her for 20 minutes - not because of the size of the room, but because it was their rules. My dentist was the same when anything other than a quick look in the mouth was needed - that was private as well, so it's not just NHS who did it.

If it's anything other than cosmetic stuff, it's important. So he has to get over himself and his importance and look after his kid.

[Cadent]

@dontdisturbmenow

How quick posters are to judge without knowing what the appointment is for and OP conveniently doesn't want to mention or what her OH's job entails.

More like how quick some posters are not to believe OP when she says she has an 'important' appointment and to believe the man's meeting trumps hers.

I work for a corporate, we bring in hundreds of millions a year, our bosses are millionnaires, and yet medical appointments are always prioritised because that is real life.

[BluntAndToThePoint80]

Depends on the nature of both, how easy his is to rearrange and any medical consequences for you if you delay.

[overlooker]

They might not let her in with the child. If it’s a serious medical appointment which she’s already said it is then he is BU. Why isn’t the onus on him to arrange childcare? It’s him backing out. Why is every woman willing to shoulder every burden and the man gets to live and do what he wants. Tell him you are going as planned and if he can no longer fulfill his obligations he needs to make alternative arrangements.

[Gogogadgetarms]

He is being massively unreasonable. He should have booked the time out in his diary so anyone organising the meeting would have seen the clash.
If he hasn’t, that’s his problem he needs to decline the meeting, he committed to you first. It’s not like you’re popping out for a coffee, this is your health.

[luckylavender]

Some of you have very strange preconceptions of work & what your rights are. The OH may not be able to just say 'no'. Good luck OP.

[VanillaRex]

This is my first so apologies for any mistakes - I'm hoping this posts correctly!

Thank you for everyone's input. So to answer a few questions, it's not a cosmetic appointment and something I do very much need to have done. Delaying it could cause me additional problems and a lengthier procedure at a later date but I won't die, to put it bluntly. Not NHS as I don't live in the UK.

The work meeting is with company directors and he needs to be there in person for it. It should have been this week but has been rescheduled to the same date as my appointment and DH forgot about my appointment when he agreed to the timings (he's only just told me this) which annoys me more as there was the option of a meeting slot that would have worked for us both. It's poor organisation on his part.

After speaking to him again, he's now trying to see if he can change the time slot. It frustrates me that this wasn't his first thought instead of trying to get me to reschedule. I do feel like he's struggled to balance work and family since we had our child, he's extremely busy and has had very little time to be involved for the past 6 months which has put a strain on us all to be honest. He does try to be hands on when he can but it's not what I signed up for when we chose to have a baby so that probably affects my feelings on this matters like this.

[tiredanddangerous]

DH is completely unreasonable. What would he do
if you told him he'll have to find a babysitter?

[Elsiebear90]

Depends what the appointment is for surely? If it’s something that’s not urgent and he cannot get out of the meeting then he’s not being unreasonable asking you to reschedule.

[nevertrustaherdofcows]

If you reschedule, the same thing will happen again

[VanillaRex]

Also, taking the baby is not an option. This isn't allowed.

[mummmy2017]

This is not men bashing.
It could be the woman who tells her husband she won't look after their child, when he is going to the doctor's.
Single parents work and have to sort out situations like this all the time.
A parent agreed to care for their child, so why does that mean they can just duck the problem and leave someone else to sort it.

[Beamur]

Fair enough that he's going to try and reschedule.
Maybe this will help remind him in future to check his 'home' calendar too.

[Cadent]

After speaking to him again, he's now trying to see if he can change the time slot. It frustrates me that this wasn't his first thought instead of trying to get me to reschedule.

Completely agree OP. The good thing is you standing your ground now means he is less likely to do this to you in future.

it's not a cosmetic appointment and something I do very much need to have done. Delaying it could cause me additional problems

Sad that you had to expound on this, it was clear the appointment was important from your very first post.

[MummBraTheEverLeaking]

He is BU. And what happens if you change it to September and he has another meeting at the last minute?! This is his responbility to sort, he doesn't trump your needs and you are not "default parent" because in his mind anything childcare related is womens work

[mummmy2017]

I just read on another post that schools will be closed one afternoon a week, so how many dad's will drop work to get the children?
Mums seem to be default childcare, even if the higher incomes.

[CatandtheFiddle]

After speaking to him again, he's now trying to see if he can change the time slot. It frustrates me that this wasn't his first thought instead of trying to get me to reschedule

Indeed. He was being unreasonable & it must be very frustrating that he thought so little of your health ...

Good to see that he's realised his error!