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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU re. appointment, DH or me?

203 replies

VanillaRex · 14/07/2020 09:36

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 14/07/2020 14:01

@Cadent

How do you ‘book leave for a couple of hours’? Just curious as I can only book a half or whole day.
@RedskyAtnight Half an hour? I’d love that, the minimum amount of leave we can book is a day.
Iwalkinmyclothing · 14/07/2020 14:05

It would depend for me on what the medical condition was, what impact there would be on me not being seen until September, how much we relied on DH's income and just how essential to the income this meeting was (ie, if a meeting which missing it would mean the loss of a contract on which we were immediately relying). But in general, I would think he was BVU and a selfish fucker who should prioritise me at least as highly as his work and not assume that commitments to me could be dropped as if I didn't bloody matter, and I would be both angry and hurt.

HUCKMUCK · 14/07/2020 14:44

@Cadent

How do you ‘book leave for a couple of hours’? Just curious as I can only book a half or whole day.
Sorry - I did make that sound a bit simplistic - I can book leave by the hour if I need to but I appreciate lots of people can't.
mylittlesandwich · 14/07/2020 15:38

Also for context I have the more "important" job but I wouldn't dream of leaving DH in the lurch like that.

MrsJonesAndMe · 14/07/2020 15:58

DH = BU

burnoutbabe · 14/07/2020 18:34

It sounds like he assumed he'd wfh during this slot so could get away with baby sitting and not actually working?
And now he has to do sone work.
Lots of companies won't let you be in charge of a small child and work at same time as not much work gets done in sone cases.

burnoutbabe · 14/07/2020 18:34

It sounds like he assumed he'd wfh during this slot so could get away with baby sitting and not actually working?
And now he has to do sone work.
Lots of companies won't let you be in charge of a small child and work at same time as not much work gets done in sone cases.

GabsAlot · 14/07/2020 18:56

is take the baby the new cancel the cheque

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/07/2020 19:15

Take the baby with you and he will never step up. He is the one who needs to sort this not you.

mathanxiety · 14/07/2020 20:12

He is an unreasonable asshole.

Tell your H if he expects to be able to go to his meeting, he needs to arrange childcare. He is a parent. This is parenting.

Tell him you are not rescheduling your appointment or doing the legwork to fill in the gap caused by him reneging on the childcare agreement he made. This is his problem to fix

timeisnotaline · 14/07/2020 22:21

Lots of companies won't let you be in charge of a small child and work at same time as not much work gets done in sone cases.
Except most of the uk for most of this year. Normally, yes.

LannieDuck · 14/07/2020 22:54

He agreed to be in charge of childcare that day. Now that his meeting clashes (entirely avoidably), it's his job to sort out, not yours. Hopefully he'll be able to move the meeting, but if not, leave him to arrange an alternative.

crosstalk · 14/07/2020 23:11

Do neither of you have diaries - even calendars on a wall? let alone an IT diary?

I may have missed it but is there no one to come in for you both or is C19 a problem?

Hope your DH resorts his dates but it won't look good on him that he was so disorganised he couldn't pick the date that suited and now everyone works back around the both of you,

Goingdownto · 14/07/2020 23:24

Crosstalk if he's worried about how it looks he can source some alternative childcare then can't he. And take more care next time.

ButteryPuffin · 14/07/2020 23:27

You booked it, he said he would cover childcare. He'll have to suck it up or find an answer himself now.

Toofaroutallmylife · 14/07/2020 23:51

I ended up putting appointments directly in DH’s calendar (via invites). I gave up expecting him to remember if I’d asked him to do stuff - we’re just different like that. But if a commitment is in the diary we just need to work out who deals with it.
We both work, which in some ways makes it easier - usually the first one to put a conflicting meeting in the diary gets the going out pass (I appreciate that one person having a medical appointment doesn’t work the same way)

Nittersing · 15/07/2020 01:39

This thread is sadly full of women problem solving situations where Dads have failed to coparent responsibly. When I had my first child 20+ years ago I thought that lazy , buck passing dads who were just along for the ride would not exist in the future😢. I guess there's still hope for the next 20 years. 🤔

Guineapigbridge · 15/07/2020 02:01

A ten month old can either be taken to your appointment or be in the background for a work video call. 10 month olds are easy; either of you can make it work.

Guineapigbridge · 15/07/2020 02:12

FWIW I've had a contraceptive device fitted with two kids in the consulting room (behind the curtain). If it needs to be done, it can be done. Lots of single parents deal with these situations all the time. Unless is dialysis or something that requires a long time, just take the kid with you. One ten month old is pretty easy. A baby that age can't walk or talk and will be happy sucking on a rusk...

Guineapigbridge · 15/07/2020 02:13

oooh I double posted, thought the other one didn't load. Sorry.

notangelinajolie · 15/07/2020 02:26
  1. Can you explain why a baby cannot go with you? I had to take 3 DCs with me to a hospital appointment once and nobody batted an eyelid.
  2. If it's not life threatening then reschedule. September isn't exactly that far away.

Sorry, I'm not really seeing why all the drama.

Mothership4two · 15/07/2020 02:29

Everything else is my responsibility or my decision to make, he doesn't even have an opinion on a lot of things. He says that he trusts me to do what we need/get the right things so he doesn't need to be involved

My dh used to say that he trusted my judgement over issues to do with the children until I had it out with him. Sometimes it was just small things but sometimes it was major life decision stuff. It is just a cop out meaning he didn't want to do it/couldn't be bothered. He tried it on a few parents evenings - I knew, if I had gone along with it, parents evenings would have become my 'thing' and would always have been going alone. We are parents, it is a joint responsibility.How many mothers would abdicate parental responsibility? Although thinking about it, that sounds like a lovely idea! Grin

Shmurf · 15/07/2020 02:36

Health should come first! Unless it's a wart or something.

timeisnotaline · 15/07/2020 02:36

So many apologists here who think that because there are single mums the op should consider herself one, and if she can’t take the baby BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL SAID SHE COULDNT, she should sign up for further complications and lengthier surgery. If this is really where you are just get rid of the guy who adds nothing to parenting and is a shitty husband to boot?

SimonJT · 15/07/2020 07:30

@Guineapigbridge

A ten month old can either be taken to your appointment or be in the background for a work video call. 10 month olds are easy; either of you can make it work.
So you think the health facility will break vital covid rules because a dad can’t be bothered to look after his child?
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