Who is BU re. appointment, DH or me?

[VanillaRex]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

It shouldn't have to be urgent. My eczema appts are hard to re-book. I tried to change a Jan appt and was given one in May.

Not 'urgent' but generally important for my comfort and skin health and certainly more important that a meeting.

This sort of behaviour is one of the reasons I got divorced. Three children with me at a needle biopsy for a breast lump. He's being an arse.

My DH worked away often when our youngest was a baby, so when I went for any appointments I just used to take the baby with me (fine in the pushchair, he was sometimes asleep!)

I thought he was probably BU and after having read your update I can confidently say that your DH is definitely BU and I would flatly refuse to try and reschedule the appt.

He agreed to be in charge of his child at that time. He can either move his meeting or arrange alternative childcare.

This is his problem to solve, not yours.

Just take baby with you.
But yes, he is BU to ask you to reschedule appointment.

It's 100% on him to work around the earlier-scheduled appointment. It's even more on him as he forgot about it when he agreed to the meeting.

it sounds like his job is similar to my husbands - he works from home and can often be a bit flexible but when there is a certain conference call he always claims he CAN'T be flexible at all. And has no power over when those calls are which can change quite a lot..

That all being said a. your dh initially agreed so it's his problem now to sort out also b. all employers are needing to be a bit more flexible atm due to covid and consequently much less childcare available generally. Also c. your appointment sounds more important and harder to reschedule than his meeting.

Having said that though, in this case if he said he was free he needs to un-book if he can, otherwise take the baby with you

Well, he changes the meeting or he sorts out the childcare, why should you have to sort his mess out? Is he incapable?

Would it be impossible to take your DC? I know hospitals don’t want you to due to Covid but if you were a single parent you would have no option.

I’ve had a similar situation - DP could not get time away from work and I needed the appointment and hospital were fine about it - I did call ahead and explain. DP is key worker and needed at work.

Tbh I think you are BU - next time if you need him available at any cost he needs to book annual leave.

I presume you’re not currently working? And he is. DC is your responsibility during his working hours and he’s done his best to be flexible and it hasn’t worked out. Perhaps he should have had the sense to try and get leave though if he understands how important the appointment is.

DH forgot about my appointment when he agreed to the timings (he's only just told me this) which annoys me more as there was the option of a meeting slot that would have worked for us both. It's poor organisation on his part.

More than that. Just simple mental assumption that YOU are the one who has to take the hit. You are the one really responsible, he gets to play at it.

After speaking to him again, he's now trying to see if he can change the time slot. It frustrates me that this wasn't his first thought instead of trying to get me to reschedule.

Well exactly. See above. It wasn't his first thought - it wasn't any of the thought - because ultimately he sees the baby as your problem.

I do feel like he's struggled to balance work and family since we had our child, he's extremely busy and has had very little time to be involved for the past 6 months which has put a strain on us all to be honest.

As above, again. This is a nice way of saying - we've had a baby, but he's kept his priorities as they were previously - and that's meant that I've taken on the bulk of what should be teamwork. He's dumped the majority of his responsibilities on to you.

He does try to be hands on when he can

Yes, the 'playing at it'. It simply muddies the waters, doesn't it? Beign hands on 'when you can' ISN'T PARENTING. The whole POINT of parenting is that it is constant. It is essential. Other things have to come second, even when it's inconvenient. Your life becomes difficult, you have to reassess priorities. He's done none of this. He isn't a parent, he's a fun uncle in the same house playing with the baby when he can fit it in.

This needs to change or your relationship will go down the pan.

DO NOT allow the 'see if he can reschedule'.

For his sake as well as yours, you stick to your guns here. He WASN'T FREE BECAUSE PARENTING. He shouldn't have agreed the meeting BECAUSE PARENT.

PARENT isn't optional.

The fact that he 'forgot' tells you everything here.

If you want this to work and for you to be happy together and for him to grow in to a proper parent, a proper Dad, then he needs to learn now and learn hard that what he's been doing so far is playing at it. The day he finds he never forgets, that the parent bit is genuinely uppermost in his mind and everything else flows from that - that is the day he won't be playing at it anymore.

Tbh I think you are BU - next time if you need him available at any cost he needs to book annual leave.
What? How is the OP being U?

he’s done his best to be flexible and it hasn’t worked out. He didn't do his best. He agreed to a sub-optimal meeting time because he forgot about the OP's appointment. How is it doing his best not to put highly important appointments like this into his diary so he can't just forget them?

Well he has to fix this. You need to get to that appointment. Medical issues trump work in my book. This forgetting or not prioritising is something I deal with constantly with my DH, so I really sympathise.

Why are so many people suggesting she take the baby?

Do they really think medical facilities will forgo vitally important rules due to covid so a dad doesn’t have to look after his baby?

OP.
My DH was due MRI scan in March for his ongoing health problem. It was cancelled due to pandemic.
He got a phonecall with another date which he agreed to before checking the calendar.
It turned out not only to be on the dayI came off nightshift but also early in the morning.
We have 2DC.

DH wanted to reschedule. Not only I told him to take it but I also didn’t take my last break to come home earlier ( with my manager’s permission)to let him go on time.

Health ALWAYS takes priority and your not so D H is very selfish especially in your circumstances.

Sadly he’s either consumed by his work or doesn’t care about youmuch

FizzyGreenWater is absolutely spot on. You need to go to your medical appointment and he needs to step up and be an actual parent instead of playing at it.

Don't back down OP. Spell out very clearly you are not going to cancel your appointment as it will be your health that suffers, not his.

It's his problem, and he needs to sort it out. And after he has sorted out his problem that he created, he needs to take a long hard look at himself and reassess his priorities.

Yeah, in this house this would be DHs problem. He agreed to look after his own child. His poor organisation has lead to that not being possible. It's up to him if he cancels his meeting or finds other childcare. Either way it's not your problem.

I don't know why it annoys me so much with people saying 'take the baby with you. I did'!

I remember taking my young children with me to consultant appointments as I had no other option being a single mum. It was a horrific experience for me. They were so well behaved and quiet and nobody said a word. But fucking hell I am still traumatised at having had to take my young children with me when I went for diagnostic tests.

You know some women don't even go for tests, they just put up with it till they drop dead after having suffered, we could all do that instead.

It's the race to the bottom that pisses me off, don't put the man out with his big manly job.
The OP's husband has many options available to him. In this case i would not re-schedule or even be bothered what the father of the child will do regarding child care, as he is an adult who holds down a responsible job so he can organise childcare all by himself.

It's the attitude that women are the default carers that pisses me off, that no matter what the agreement was the little woman will drop everything (to the detriment of her health in this case), to pick up the slack created by the co-parent and sort everything out.

My DP wouldn't do this, he knows I wouldn't pick up the slack and nobody around him would give him an ounce of sympathy for being such a monumentally shit parent and partner.

It all rather depends. If your medical appointment is re cosmetic surgery you are, if it's a health issue he is.

It all rather doesn't. He made a commitment and should stick to it. Unless his meeting is a matter of life and death (which it won't be) he should stick to his commitment to his partner.

Frankly, the extent to which you care for your partners basic health is a keystone in a marriage - in sickness and in health. My partner is on notice on this. Point out to your dh that if you were screaming my legs broken from the kitchen it would be unthinkable he continue with the call despite zero notice. Not all urgent/ important medical situations announce themselves that way but they are still v important. If you were facing a longer procedure because he failed to prioritise you, you would resent him and frankly love him a little less. It’s a natural response to protect your heart as you see clearly the lack of care coming your way in your marriage.

Delaying it could cause me additional problems and a lengthier procedure at a later date but I won't die, to put it bluntly.

So, not attending your appointment would have an impact on the quality of your life. He's unreasonable to suggest you miss it.

The work meeting is with company directors and he needs to be there in person for it. It should have been this week but has been rescheduled to the same date as my appointment and DH forgot about my appointment when he agreed to the timings (he's only just told me this) which annoys me more as there was the option of a meeting slot that would have worked for us both. It's poor organisation on his part.

Definitely his problem to sort out then.

I have quite a demanding senior role and I often side with the working person, but in this case, he's quite clearly in the wrong. Missing the appointment isn't inconvenient, it has an actual impact on your health and therefore has to trump work.

Work is important, especially in these times of redundancies, but the health of your immediate family always always has to come first.

HE is the unreasonable (and unorganised) one. He should have put this in his work calendar when you told him.

From your update it doesn't look like your appointment is in any way trivial so he needed to have paid attention and not automatically assumed you should change yourself medical appointment. This conflict is now his to resolve whilst you keep to your appointment and, hopefully, avoid a more difficult procedure later.

Good luck OP. 🌹

He is being entitled as have many others have pointed out literally leaning you holding the baby.

If your health failed for whatever reason he will have to give up his job and be a full time parent which let’s face it isn’t what many men chose to do.

He needs to grow a pair and explain clearly why he cannot make that appointment.
Actually he should have diarised it as flexi or taken a half day leave which would have made this much easier.

he agreed to parent for that time - it's up to your completely fucking unreasonable DH to organise childcare.

@MummyGoingItAlone

I completely feel your frustration! My now ex did this to me and I was fuming! I was having an infusion in hospital and he was having him. He decided on the day that he needed a docs appointment for something he’d had for years so said I’d have to take my son with me (he’s two and I’d have been attached to a drip for 2 hours!) I HATE how men can opt out of parenting whenever they choose

Sounds like he just didn't want to take care of/be responsible for your child whilst you were having your procedure...