Who is BU re. appointment, DH or me?

[VanillaRex]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

I've been in two meetings just this week where men had babies in the meeting, in both cases they were made a huge fuss over "oh isn't he wonderful" etc. It made me cross because you know a woman in a meeting with her kids wouldn't have had the same positive reaction.

He should have blocked his calendar, either he didn't, or he allowed someone to put a meeting into his blocked time so now it's his problem to figure out, not yours. He can listen to the meeting sound only and on mute so people don't get distracted by the baby, ask to reschedule the meeting, send apologies and send comments in advance to the chair, ask if a colleague can stand in for him, etc. Lots of options!

He is BU.

I've had 'urgent medical' appointment referrals which I have had to book myself directly with a consultant, I get a referral letter with a phone number and website address and I can pick the hospital and I have the options of available dates across different hospitals.

When booking I double check with DP which dates to avoid and then book the earliest appointment available.

My appointments have always been urgent in terms of the problem is having a detrimental affect on my quality of life and I am unable to continue day to day activity without discomfort. Obviously not a 999 situation but if left would get worse or in one situation if left untreated because I wasn't aware I had this particular condition would quite well kill me.

So I'm not judging about the 'urgency' or necessity of OP's appointment. Point is the H in this case made a commitment to take care of his own child whilst the co-parent will be unavailable, he doesn't get to go oh well I can't now you will have to sort it out.

He sorts out alternative childcare.

What’s like normally op? Just asking because my ex used to do things like this that meant I would have to reschedule or cancel things that were important to me. I started to notice a pattern and realised it was some kind of PA power play.

In this case, I’d tell him he has to arrange childcare I.e. someone to babysit during his meeting. He’d better get on that now.

Take the child with you? It is not hard really - making a mountain out of a molehill.

If the DH was in the office what would you do?

@TheBusDriver

Take the child with you? It is not hard really - making a mountain out of a molehill.

If the DH was in the office what would you do?

How have you failed to notice that covid means people are unable to take someone with them to medical appointments.

If this appointment was really important then I struggle to believe that he wouldn't want you to go ASAP! However if it is over something that can wait then I can see why he feels you can wait a little longer.
Is the meeting dates and times up to him or is he just told when he needs to attend?

@TheBusDriver

Take the child with you? It is not hard really - making a mountain out of a molehill.

If the DH was in the office what would you do?

He is not in the office though, so that's completely irrelevant

@MsEllany

Doesn't help this time, but in future if you need a definite commitment he should book annual leave. Is it possible for him to book short notice annual leave now stating it is for medical /childcare reasons or alternatively depending on the urgency of your appointment your options are really just reschedule, or find a sitter for a couple of hours

You’d think a man important enough to manage his own diary would be able to work this out himself

It is nothing to do with being a man. I have done the same to dh, he's needed me to be available, I've said yes I'm WFH so can do it and 99% of the time I can, then something unexpected at work comes up I can't get out of, we both know it is a risk if not booked off as annual leave, but don't want to waste annual leave for a couple of hours childcare. Op knew he was still working that day so is party to that risk.

TheBusDriver would you really take a 10mo who can’t wear a mask to a hospital during a pandemic? Force them to stay in the buggy, avoid changing them in a contaminated changing room even if they poo, avoid touching them with your dirty hands that you’ve used to touch door handles etc? Taking the baby is not a sensible solution.

Say you rearrange your appointment for September... what will you do if he turns around again, and says it's not convenient for him to have his own child? Which is what I'd be willing to bet he's likely to do.......

Are you happy for your DH to leave him with someone else? A babysitter?

On the face of it, you were booked first and medical trumps work, but it’s a time where a lot of people are being made redundant and I’d take him at his word that it’s important... so you need a back up plan. If you’re far from family and friends, that’s probably going to have to be paid childcare, from a babysitter. It’s a good idea to have one that you’re happy with anyway, really, so I’d be getting him to find one he’s happy with.

He is of course. Just say not changing your appointment- up to him to find a solution of what to do for childcare.

OP will not be able to take the baby with her to her medical appointment at the moment. It's patient only, with a very small number of exceptions (and no childcare is not one of them).

Is DH's work meeting online or in person? If it's online, he'll just have to juggle baby, keep himself on mute and blame technology for anything he misses.

We need to know how essential the medical appointment is to establish who is being unreasonable.

On the face of it, it is you husband. However, without context it’s impossible to say for sure!

I find it hard to believe that if it was an urgent/essential medical appointment that he would want you to reschedule!

If then child is easy enough to handle that the OP could take him to the appointment (even if that was allowed at the moment) then the child is also easy enough for the husband to pacify, placate or occupy during his meeting surely? Ultimately, they are both EQUALLY responsible for the child. She is not the default parent. The OP checked with her DH before confirming the appointment and he agreed. Short of serious emergency, the childcare situation then is the responsibility of the husband and if he really cant cope with a baby, playing on the floor or whatever while he speaks to a screen - its
not like he's operating machinery, then he needs to learn how to multitask.

He needs to sort out childcare if he can’t do it. Even if that’s an agency babysitter.

We need to know how essential the medical appointment is to establish who is being unreasonable

No you don't OP has said it's 'important', that's all I need to know to know she is not BU.

He is - he needs to reschedule his meeting or take the baby with him and get on with it .

Unless by 'medical', you mean something cosmetic like Botox injections or teeth whitening - if this is for your health, then you should prioritize that. Assuming, baby really can't come with you, and meeting is not so important that if he doesn't go his job will be in jeopardy.... he could also dial in not on video, to listen and come off mute when needed...? Time to get creative I guess....

Basically you have priority as you got his commitment- but ideally you and he, knowing the details of all the needs and possibilities, would work it out together....

It's not OK to take a baby into a hospital when you don't have to, particularly during Covid 19!

Why is everyone assuming it's a hospital appointment? OP said a "medical appointment". It could be physio, gynae check-up, dentist, etc.

I can't see how a 10-month-old in a pushchair, with the rain cover on if necessary, is any more at risk at a medical appt. than at the supermarket.

I don't suppose a family member could come up the day before & stay the night?

It's for your husband to sort out the childcare that he has now decided he can't do.

If he'd booked the time off of course this wouldn't be happening.

This would be my hill to die on. Absolutely no way I’d accept any excuses - he has parental responsibility on that day.

@CatSmize

It's not OK to take a baby into a hospital when you don't have to, particularly during Covid 19!

Why is everyone assuming it's a hospital appointment? OP said a "medical appointment". It could be physio, gynae check-up, dentist, etc.

I can't see how a 10-month-old in a pushchair, with the rain cover on if necessary, is any more at risk at a medical appt. than at the supermarket.

That doesn’t change the fact that at the moment we are not allowed to take anyone with us to any medical appointments, whether that be the dentist, GP etc.

Your DH is being a knob and very unreasonable.