Who is BU re. appointment, DH or me?

[VanillaRex]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

By full time parent I mean one who doesn’t have paid employment because they are at home all day taking care of children.

And @Brefugee it’s interesting isn’t. The choosing to parent.
Like they’re doing us a favour.

Thank you, I feel like Fizzygreenwater has it here. I know that he dotes on our child and it bothers him that he's so busy and can't play as active a roll in family life just now but truthfully, even before Covid and work being so busy, he still essentially played at parenting.

He does bed time, bathes DC and puts him down for the evening and plays with him but that's about it. Everything else is my responsibility or my decision to make, he doesn't even have an opinion on a lot of things. He says that he trusts me to do what we need/get the right things so he doesn't need to be involved but I've struggled with the mental load at times. I've no idea what I'm doing and I'm trying my best but I'd rather we were in it 50/50.

I do feel he maybe lacks confidence but that it's mostly just laziness on his part. He always defaults to me. When I've tried to talk to him about it he does get upset and he tells me he hates that he lets me down but then nothing really changes.

It's very easy for us to say he should just reschedule or should have blocked it out, but it's not always that simple. If it's someone much more senior at work who has called the meeting and there's a three-line whip to attend, then he may have no choice. For example, many companies are considering redundancies at the moment so if he's involved in that process, or worse still is at threat of redundancy, then he'll have to attend.

I used to have urgent, last-minute meetings all the time when my DC were small. If it was a time when i was due to be looking after them or whatever, then i would arrange childcare. Somehow anyhow (sometimes i did ask DH if he could take over, and sometimes he could. If not i kept trying).

OP has arranged childcare for her appointment, the fact that it's her DH is neither here nor there. At that time, by pre-arrangement he's on duty. And it is for him to either bite the bullet and try to re-arrange his meeting, or it is for him to arrange other childcare. It's not bloody rocket science.

OP - stop letting him let you down. Not easy i know, but you'Re making a rod for your own back.

He should have either taken annual leave or blocked that time period out in his diary as “no meetings” or “not available” or whatever is the custom at his work.

Your DH has messed this up and he needs to sort it.

Those telling you to just suck it up and reschedule should consider. Not only is he equally responsible for parenting this child, but in today's pandemic world, who knows where we will be later this year and what medical provision will be available at that time? Is the OP supposed to potentially keep deferring her appointment indefinitely?

Is DH calling in for the meeting or is he having to travel into the office for it? If he is WFH then can he organize a neighbours teenager to come in and play with the baby for an hour while he is on the call. He would be there if there were any problems so its not like you are leaving LO with someone.

This will be you for ever OP. Always the one whose job gives, who has to make the emergency plans even if it's him who has fucked up. In this case he's showing fuck all concern for the health of his dc's mother.
If you don't draw a line in the sand now why would he ever change? Get up early. Leave. Let him figure it out.

What Brefugee said.

HIB outrageously U, OP.

He can either move the meeting or take the baby to it. His choice.
Your health takes priority.

I think FizzyGreenWater has it absolutely, and your further post confirms that, OP - in his head, parenting is your role and responsibility. That way great resentment and a not-great father-child relationship lies.

If he fails to change the meeting time, it's still his problem to solve. Not yours. I have a suspicion he will see that differently.

It sounds as if, once the issue is sorted, you need to have a serious sit-down conversation with him.

Is it a meeting online from home? Can you hire a babysitter but your husband is still in the house? You need to stick with your guns and point out you planned it with him so it is his responsibility to deal with. Then next time he has an insignificant plan, quietly pop out leaving him at home alone with your child so he can see how annoying it is to be let down, then you can point out his was insignificant in comparison.

Although I agree with the majority - he is a dick?

It does sound like he's a bit lazy. You won't be able to let up at all. Suggest you leave him in sole charge as much as possible.

he does get upset and he tells me he hates that he lets me down but then nothing really changes
Because there are no consequences and it costs him nothing to be upset and sad. In fact it buys him sympathy points for being rubbish.
Stay firm this time. He has to arrange what happens with the DC. It's his mistake.

He has to move the meeting. Nothing is more important than health and he needs to look you in the eyes and justify why he thinks his job is more important than your health.

So no cooking for or feeding of his dc? Nappies?

Just the bath and bed and play?

It’s not good enough @VanillaRex, you know this!

The meeting is the catalyst for change here

You’ve never held him to anything but he has to change the meeting or HE can take his child
To the meeting with him

My DH and I now have an agreement that has stopped all arguments about this type of stuff. If we think one of us has to be free, we book annual leave. We both work in jobs where stuff crops up at the last minute and this created lots of issues for a while.

For example, DH was trying to arrange something to be delivered to elderly MIL and one of us needed to be there. I currently don't have anything in my work diary for the time as it is a few weeks away but something will get put in. So one of us is going to book leave - just for a couple of hours.

We also both put important home stuff in our work calendars - it is sometimes easy to overlook home stuff when you are in work mode so it helps as a reminder.

@frazzledasarock

I don't know why it annoys me so much with people saying 'take the baby with you. I did'!

I remember taking my young children with me to consultant appointments as I had no other option being a single mum. It was a horrific experience for me. They were so well behaved and quiet and nobody said a word. But fucking hell I am still traumatised at having had to take my young children with me when I went for diagnostic tests.

You know some women don't even go for tests, they just put up with it till they drop dead after having suffered, we could all do that instead.

It's the race to the bottom that pisses me off, don't put the man out with his big manly job.
The OP's husband has many options available to him. In this case i would not re-schedule or even be bothered what the father of the child will do regarding child care, as he is an adult who holds down a responsible job so he can organise childcare all by himself.

It's the attitude that women are the default carers that pisses me off, that no matter what the agreement was the little woman will drop everything (to the detriment of her health in this case), to pick up the slack created by the co-parent and sort everything out.

My DP wouldn't do this, he knows I wouldn't pick up the slack and nobody around him would give him an ounce of sympathy for being such a monumentally shit parent and partner.

Totally agree. Also, as a doctor, it is very distracting having children in the room, especially as it is full of hazards. I am constantly having to keep an eye that the children are not emptying out the sharps bin or similar. It's also a nightmare when trying to do anything using sterile equipment as kids are attracted to anything sterile like moths to a flame And, if the child is old enough to understand, I end up having to talk in euphemisms to the parent, which makes getting to grips with the diagnosis difficult.

My point is not that parents bringing their kids to appointments makes life difficult for me, but that means the patient is likely to get less good care.

I work with many single parents, I never tell anyone that they can't bring their child to their appointment (outside of Covid, when it was for the child's safety) but it is impossible to give the same level of attention and focus to patients if their children are in the room. I understand completely that women often don't have another option but, if they do have DPs, that partner should be watching the kids so that their mother can get the best healthcare.

He needs to move his meeting. Very selfish and uncaring of him to do that.

In my opinion, your health trumps a work meeting, especially as he agreed to look after the baby at that time.
He wasn't organised or thoughtful enough to remember your appointment so it's his problem to sort, not yours 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would get him to couple's counselling asap, frankly. At the moment he's paying lip service and he's not going to recognise that he is when it's just you complaining/nagging/being annoying. He'll shrug and sigh and forget it.

He needs a third party who will JUDGE. Someone who will guide him to seeing how unreasonable his expectations of you are and then guide him to a solution. He'll probably cry. Let him.

In my experience men rarely change because of asking (or nagging, or emotional blackmail). My DP is wonderful with our DS now; me being incapacitated due to morning sickness with DC2 for 8 weeks meant he had to do everything - cook, laundry, food shopping, dog walking, childcare! He understood then what it was like and even now I am 6m and feeling much better I still haven't offered to take on my original responsibilities to the same degree and he hasn't complained. Everyone's a winner!
When these situations arise stick to your guns when reasonable to do so, men learn parenting on the job as it were. Just leave them to it sometimes!

How do you ‘book leave for a couple of hours’? Just curious as I can only book a half or whole day.

@Cadent

How do you ‘book leave for a couple of hours’? Just curious as I can only book a half or whole day.

Depends what your workplace allows. I can book leaves in increment of half an hour.

... or even leave, though now I fancy booking some leaves!

Ah thanks @RedskyAtnight