Who is BU re. appointment, DH or me?

[VanillaRex]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I have an important appointment that I need to attend next week (medical, would prefer not to say) and if I cancel, I will not be seen again until September at the earliest.

When booking the appointment 2 weeks ago, I checked that my DH would be available to watch our 10month old. No problem, he WFH. I highlighted the importance of this appointment & that I would struggle to reschedule if he needed to change the appointment at a later date. All good.

Now, a week before my appointment he has asked me to reschedule because an important work meeting has come up. I can't get another appointment within a reasonable time frame, we have no one else to provide childcare (we do not live close to any family, no friends available and I will not leave him with a stranger)

Who is BU? Should I cancel the appointment and reschedule for September or should my DH stand by his commitment to look after his child? Although he's currently refusing to do this and said he has no choice but to attend the meeting so I'm left in a difficult position.

[MummyGoingItAlone]

I completely feel your frustration! My now ex did this to me and I was fuming! I was having an infusion in hospital and he was having him. He decided on the day that he needed a docs appointment for something he’d had for years so said I’d have to take my son with me (he’s two and I’d have been attached to a drip for 2 hours!) I HATE how men can opt out of parenting whenever they choose

[DibDibDibduh]

Well he needs to sort something out, he can't just bounce it back to you
I'd sympathise to him and say I hope he got something sorted , it's not your problem, it's his

[dontdisturbmenow]

It doesn't sound like an NHS appointment, so thinking it might not be essential. it also sound that the meeting your oh has to attend is not one he schedule but one he has been told he needs to attend.

If the above sums up the situation, you are unreasonable.

If it's a medical, as in essential appointment and he just forgot and arranged a meeting at that time himself he is unreasonable.

[Cadent]

He is BVU!!!

Sounds like he would rather avoid inconveniencing his colleagues than prioritising his wife's health. Knobhead.

[BlingLoving]

@MummyGoingItAlone

I completely feel your frustration! My now ex did this to me and I was fuming! I was having an infusion in hospital and he was having him. He decided on the day that he needed a docs appointment for something he’d had for years so said I’d have to take my son with me (he’s two and I’d have been attached to a drip for 2 hours!) I HATE how men can opt out of parenting whenever they choose

Yes. Obviously, not all men. But yes. BIL has form for this. He'll suddenly announce he has an appointment for x time on y day. SIL is main breadwinner and works directly with individuals - she has zero flexibility in her schedule but it IS booked WEEKS in advance. So then BIL just basically asks us to do the childcare instead. Drives me mad.

OP - short of big boss turning up unexpectedly and insisting everyone attend a meeting at which future of the company will be discussed, there's no excuse for this. I often get people adding things to my diary without asking me first and I just decline the invitations and email a time and date that's suitable to me. Just because someone - a client, boss etc is someone I'm supposed to "prioritise" doesn't mean I'm going to rearrange my schedule at a drop of a hat without a bloody good reason. And your Dh should be able to have the same approach.

[CatSmize]

Your DH is obviously BU but is there any reason you can't take your DS with you? Wouldn't he be ok in his pushchair with a toy? I take my 9-month-old to all medical appts, even physio (not if I was being put under general anesthetic, of course!)

[Topseyt]

Urgent medical needs trump work meetings. I'm assuming that it is urgent. Even if it isn't, he shouldn't have backed out once he had already agreed on numerous occasions that he would be caring for his child.

He can either reschedule the meeting or make it clear that due to your medical issues he will have to have baby on his knee during it.

My DH and his team have been working from home throughout lockdown. It certainly isn't unknown for people's children or even dogs and cats to appear on the screen during zoom or teams meetings. Not a regular thing, but certainly not unknown.

[SimonJT]

Did he arrange the meeting or did his work?

My work place is a bit crap about these things, if a family member has a medical appointment (by which they mean wife/husband/civil partner) you have to give 28 days notice to either take it as annual leave or unpaid leave and provide proof of the appointment. You can only take unpaid leave on three occasions per year, they even enforced that rule when a colleagues husband had terminal cancer.

If he decided the date of the meeting then it is a completely different scenario.

[EllaAlright]

It depends on the importance of the appointment and the meeting.

[Chamomileteaplease]

So your dh has effectively said to you, "sorry you will have to wait until September for this important medical appointment and I don't care." ? Selfish arsehole.

[UgaBaluga82]

Just tell him that the agreement is that he sorted childcare on that day at that time. If he can no longer look after his child it's on his shoulders to work out who can.

This isn't your problem. On the day you get up and go to the medical appointment as planned.

It will prevent your DH from doing this in future.

[FizzyGreenWater]

NO.

He fucked up. He moves the meeting. He was not free to PLAN the meeting.

There is no meeting. He wasn't available.

[Davodia]

Essential medical appointment trumps meeting. Even if the meeting was booked first. DH needs to reschedule. Of course if the medical appointment is non urgent then OP should reschedule. I would not take a small child to a hospital with me during a pandemic either.

[MzHz]

Does he have form for this? Has he changed since you had the baby?

Go to the appointment and leave him to look after his child, or arrange childcare

This is a massive red flag love, can you see this? How many more have there been?

[dontdisturbmenow]

I'm assuming that it is urgent
I am not. An urgent medical appointment means you are given date and time, not something you book yourself. They would also never say if you don't attend, you have to wait for 6 weeks.

Considering OP doesn't wish to elaborate, I would assume it is important to OP, but not medically urgent.

[Carandi]

It's very easy for us to say he should just reschedule or should have blocked it out, but it's not always that simple. If it's someone much more senior at work who has called the meeting and there's a three-line whip to attend, then he may have no choice. For example, many companies are considering redundancies at the moment so if he's involved in that process, or worse still is at threat of redundancy, then he'll have to attend.

It would also depend on whether missing your hospital appointment would be detrimental to your health or if it would be just inconvenient to have to rearrange.

If you do rearrange OP then make sure he books the time off otherwise there's a risk he could do exactly the same again.

[MaggieFS]

He is BU as you've said your appointment is important. But you could always phone and reconfirm there are no earlier alternative times if you haven't done so again recently.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Honestly I would be up at 5 and out of the door on that day. I wouldn't say any more about it but I would not cancel the appointment and I would leave him holding the baby.

He needs to learn that he is EQUALLY responsible. Really, properly, equally responsible. Not 'responsible, but if something comes up then that's different'. NO. That's not what it means. It means you're a parent and THAT is the thing that cannot be moved. Which is why you plan and calendar with your partner and they too get equal say. There isn't a default where they have to come second to you.

The sooner he learns this the very hard way, the better relationship you'll have and smoother parenting.

[HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear]

He's prob just done that thing loads of men do where they go, "Yeah yeah...stop nagging, I'll do it ffs". Then don't book time off. Or anything useful.
And now it's bitten him on the arse.
If he's wfh He can do meeting with baby?
Agree you just get up, leave house.
Tough shit.

[BurtsBeesKnees]

He is being very unreasonable. I struggle to think of what work thing that would be so important he can't either ask someone else to cover or move to earlier or later in the day. Even if it's customer related or staff related. Medical appointments trump work meetings

There are several options open to him. He talks to his boss and explains the situation, he gets a colleague to cover it, he takes a family day, he takes half a day, or a days leave

[ifonly4]

If you're WFH, I think work colleagues/connections are getting used to distractions. My DH has had to leave a meeting twice when a problem has come up (and I wasn't there). Your DH probably won't be the first to have a child on his knee or one making noises in the background

[BurtsBeesKnees]

And for the record I was in a teams meeting with my boss, who's son came in to ask for his help and we stopped the meeting for a few mins whilst he sorted his child out. No big deal.

[nowayhose]

It's not your problem to sort, it's HIS.

You asked him to schedule in childcare duties for the duration of your medical appointment. He said OK.

If his schedule has now altered, then HE has to either find childcare or reschedule his meeting around his obligation to you.

HIS needs are NOT more important than yours ! (and if you start changing all your appointments etc round HIS needs, it'll NEVER stop as you'll have unconsciously agreed that his needs trump yours, forever

It's not OK to take a baby into a hospital when you don't have to, particularly during Covid 19 !

I know the nurses etc are very good about it to your face, but believe me, unless you're a single parent, they are NOT happy about it as it takes them away from their actual job duties for the duration of your appointment/ scan etc (and why TAF should THEY also have to step in to care for your child when the child's bloody FATHER won't ??)

[Nottherealslimshady]

Your medical needs come first. He wouldn't rearrange his own medical appointments for a meeting.

[mummmy2017]

Tell Daddy that he is incharge that day.
He needs to find a way to make it work, as you will not be there.