Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be friends with someone who was overweight?

178 replies

alllthingsbright · 13/07/2020 23:11

Tomorrow I'm meeting with a group of girls I met on an antenatal course.

We haven't seen each other since January when we were all pregnant.

Since the birth of my baby I've gained two stone ShockShockand I'm now very over weight.

I was 12 and a half stone when I was pregnant and I'm now 14 and a half.

I know 12 stone isn't slim, but I don't think I looked "big" at that weight, where as now I look big and dumpy.
It's really affecting my self esteem and confidence.

I haven't told the girls I've gained weight and I'm worried that once they've seen me tomorrow I'll no longer fit into the friendship group.

Am I overthinking?

I'm considering cancelling.

OP posts:
Cassilis · 14/07/2020 16:14

Yes, I have fat/overweight friends. It's a bit of a strange one as I don't normally make overtures of friendship to people (kind of shy) but I have felt that I should make an effort with people who may be discriminated against due to their appearance.

In light of #BLM, there's been talk of actively reaching out to ethnic minorities to make them feel more included, and as a shy EM, I would be happy for people to reach out to me. I'm not sure if shy overweight people feel the same way?

Cheeeeesecaaaaakkkeeee · 14/07/2020 16:14

Of course. If they judge you on your weight they aren’t worth being friends with. My closest friend is the kindest most wonderful woman I’ve ever met and she is very overweight, makes zero difference to who she is as a person. There’s no way I wouldn’t be friends with her because of her weight.
Go and have fun, if they are decent people they won’t care in the slightest.

catlady3 · 14/07/2020 16:22

Hi OP, did you end up going? How was it? I chuckled coming across your thread because I was literally in the same situation today, first time out with antenatal group and I'm the fat one lol. I get your anxiety, people can be judgy, of only to make themselves feel better. And I think a lot of new mothers feel bad about themselves for various reasons (we're never good enough are we), which then sometimes increases the need to judge others. Anyway, just to say I get how you're feeling, you're not alone with that, and I hope you had a lovely time at your meet up.

YouokHun · 14/07/2020 16:42

But these are new people and I've only spent a short about of time with them on an antenatal course, I don't like the idea of being judged and I hate the idea of being rejected because of how I look

What you’ve got it a nasty dose of mind reading OP! How do you know what they think?

The thing about judgement is we assume that others are in collusion, all thinking the same thing (about your weight in this case) when the reality is most people are too busy focussing on themselves. You’ve met a circle of people who have a certain body size but does that exempt them from a whole host of other challenges and concerns - no. The only person we know for certain is doing the judging of you is you.

What I always found helpful with a new group of people, especially at the new parent stage was to be honest. Honest about what I find hard, honest about what I don’t understand, honest about my difficulties. I don’t mean banging on about negatives but just refusing to fall into any competitive dynamic or one where people were presenting life as perfect. One of my difficulties was weight and I just put it out there. Nearly everyone was supportive and said just what people have said here - “don’t worry about it, it’s something you can change if you want to later. It’s irrelevant to us!” Or “I haven’t struggled with my weight but to be honest I’m really struggling with my DH”. Those that stand back and judge or don’t want to be part of the sort of honesty that moves new acquaintances to something deeper, that’s there choice. If they judge you for what you are and reject you on the basis of your body shape or size then bullet swerved; who needs friends like that?

.....spent so long typing that you’ve since updated @alllthingsbright! So glad you went. It’s so important to have gone in order to disprove your assumptions and also because avoiding them wouldn’t have helped you feel better about anything. Onwards and upwards Flowers

YouokHun · 14/07/2020 17:54

I'm seeing an NCT friend on next week for the first time in 4 months. I know she's lost a ton of weight because she's been furloughed, teaching exercise classes and doing some MLM shake diet. I've been working from home while looking after a toddler and have gained a stone. Does it matter? No

If your friend is tangled up with an MLM @whatswithtodaytoday then your friend’s got bigger troubles than the rest of us. Hope she’s not trying to recruit among NCT members - the NCT takes a very dim view of MLM.

Warmer20Days · 14/07/2020 18:27

My friends are kind, funny, honest, make me laugh, listen & have helped me out over the years. The friends that I have known for years or my new friends ❤️

Their appearance, age, race, sex, gender, sexuality & all other manner of things do not matter & are not relevant

Are you judgemental of other people ?

The motto - do not trust a book by it's cover is so true

nicelyneurotic · 14/07/2020 18:38

I'm slim and I'd just be thrilled to see my friend, I wouldn't even notice their size.

Original poster
alllthingsbright · 14/07/2020 18:56

@Warmer20Days

Are you judgemental of other people ?

No, I am not. I’m not sure why a few people have asked me this now?!

The ONLY person I ever judge, is MYSELF.

I just worry that people will see the faults in me that I see myself.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 14/07/2020 19:20

What a bizarre thing to say, why wouldn't I want to be friends with someone who is overweight.

Bluewavescrashing · 14/07/2020 19:21

One of my very good friends is morbidly obese. Her weight has no bearing on our friendship.

Serin · 14/07/2020 19:26

You need better friends if this is how you genuinely think they will see you. Have they given you reason to suspect they will judge you? Do they often have a bitch about other women who look different to them? If so I would find better friends.

Cam2020 · 14/07/2020 19:31

I am friends with some overweight girls and I love them for who they are. I've gained and lost (on repeat) weight throughout many of my friendships and its never made any difference at all.

Please don't hide away or feel ashamed of who you are - that's a much unhealthier and damaging road to start down than some extra pounds.

Cam2020 · 14/07/2020 19:34

What a bizarre thing to say, why wouldn't I want to be friends with someone who is overweight.

I think it's fairly obvious that the poster is having some confidence issues and that distorts the way you think about yourself. Nothing 'bizarre' about it, no need to be snippy to someone who seems to be feeling shit about themselves already.

Sugarhouse · 14/07/2020 19:37

Someone’s weight would not be a reason for me to be or not to be friends with someone ever it’s not something I would even think about. Don’t worry about that at all. I think we all judge ourselves too harshly and need to remember how we see ourselves is not how others see us.

DaisyDreaming · 14/07/2020 19:41

I hope you went today and feel much better for it

listsandbudgets · 14/07/2020 19:42

Of course.. I'm friends with them because I enjoy their company not because I admire their waistline

Being somewhat over weight myself I'm glad my friends seem to take the same view Smile

Chiwi · 14/07/2020 20:08

I've read your update OP super glad you went.
I have a 6 month old and feel similarly. I try to think about how she sees me. Maybe think about how your baby sees you; beautiful, safe, comforting, their whole world.
I hope you find a way to feel better.

Floatyboat · 14/07/2020 20:23

I think they'd still like to see you.

Laaalaaaa · 14/07/2020 20:31

Hopefully they’re not the idiots on here who claim anybody over a size 0 is enormous and feel sick after one bite and pizza which has also filled them up for a fortnight. If they’re not then you should be fine!

Original poster
alllthingsbright · 14/07/2020 20:49

I’ve been invited to a second meet up next week!!!!

This makes me feel really happy. Nervous, but happy!!

OP posts:
crosstalk · 14/07/2020 21:57

OP then there's good! Perhaps you could start accepting other people like you and your company and start rating yourself as highly as they do.

LillianBland · 14/07/2020 22:37

@alllthingsbright

I’ve been invited to a second meet up next week!!!!

This makes me feel really happy. Nervous, but happy!!

That’s great. I hope you have an even better time.
Dee1975 · 14/07/2020 23:05

If someone doesn’t want to be your friend anymore because you’ve put on weight - they are not the sort of people you’d want as friends!!
Don’t worry! Be yourself!

Seeleyboo · 14/07/2020 23:12

I'm 18.5 stone. And yes. I have friends.

BlingLoving · 15/07/2020 10:25

Op, that's great re the second meet up. But a word of caution - you're acting like these other women have all the power and you are passive: you need to wait for THEIR approval, THEIR invites etc. Please don't do this because they most likely want a friend, not someone they have to initiate everything for. So go to the next meet up, if you enjoy it, feel free to suggest a different event or proactively get in touch about something because otherwise your insecurity is going to make you look like you expect everyone else to make the effort.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.