Would you be friends with someone who was overweight?

[alllthingsbright]

Tomorrow I'm meeting with a group of girls I met on an antenatal course.

We haven't seen each other since January when we were all pregnant.

Since the birth of my baby I've gained two stone and I'm now very over weight.

I was 12 and a half stone when I was pregnant and I'm now 14 and a half.

I know 12 stone isn't slim, but I don't think I looked "big" at that weight, where as now I look big and dumpy.
It's really affecting my self esteem and confidence.

I haven't told the girls I've gained weight and I'm worried that once they've seen me tomorrow I'll no longer fit into the friendship group.

Am I overthinking?

I'm considering cancelling.

I judge people based on their personalities not on their size. If you are a nice person I don’t give a crap how you look.

@CrazyToast

OP how you look has nothing to do with you as a person or as a friend. I am so sad that you would even consider this to be a thing. I do understand feeling like you dont want to meet people and have them judge you on your weight but you must realise that anyone who didnt want a friend because of their weight is an absolute waste of space asshole who you wouldnt want to be anywhere near

I guess I just feel quite down about myself at the minute and the way I look.

The other girls are all well dressed and pretty and I'm worried I'm not going to fit in.

They are the only group of friends I have that have got babies the same age as me so
I'd really like the friendships to work out.

I can guarantee that they are all having doubts and have issues that they feel self conscious about. It may be weight or it may be hair or skin or not having nice clothes.

Get dressed, do your hair, make up (if you wear it), shiny lips, sunglasses - hold your head up high and be fabulous. You are a mum - something to be proud of.

For what it's worth I am hugely obese and have amazing friends

I have friends of all shapes and sizes, I never think anything of it. If they’re the type of people who’d judge you on your size they’re not worth having as friends. But they more than likely aren’t that type so I’m sure they’ll love you for you.

[quote Merryoldgoat]@alllthingsbright

I really get that - my youngest is 2 and I suffered from bad PND after having him.

I would suggest making a really nice effort with your hair and makeup and wear easy and comfortable clothes.

One thing I did was I found ‘an outfit’ - I wear a black stretchy tunic and wide leg trousers as a base most days. It’s flattering, forgiving, and comfy and it takes the drama out of the day. I dress it up with scarves, hair accessories, big earrings, rings etc.

Could you treat yourself to some new clothes to feel nicer?[/quote]
Could you treat yourself to some new clothes to feel nicer?

I did but it didn't particularly make me feel nicer as the size of them got me down.

I don't think I'm good at dressing to my size so feel like I just bought something that will cover me rather than flatters me!!

Would you be friends with someone who was overweight op, even if you weren't?

Know what OP, I was sarky earlier.

The thing to remember is, YOU might not like this group of people. They might be the friends of a lifetime, they might end up being people whose names you barely remember by the time the baby goes to school. Maternity group friendships feel like LIFE at the time, but they're a weirdly artificial situation.

Go, enjoy yourself. You're fab, they'll be lucky to have you as a friend, but if the spark isn't there then walk on by, you'll find other pals.

You will feel much, much better this time tomorrow after your meeting. Promise me that'll you'll go - no changing your mind for 100 different reasons. Go and enjoy meeting the girls and their babies - it might be the start of something amazing.

@maddening

Would you be friends with someone who was overweight op, even if you weren't?

Yes! Of course I would. I am!! I have friends bigger and smaller than me.

But just because I would doesn't mean everyone would.

@fodderbeet

You will feel much, much better this time tomorrow after your meeting. Promise me that'll you'll go - no changing your mind for 100 different reasons. Go and enjoy meeting the girls and their babies - it might be the start of something amazing.

@fodderbeet I really do want to go, this group of girls have been brilliant during lockdown, I just feel so uncomfortable with myself right now and I guess it's that feeling of not looking nice enough / having much to offer.

Would the 12-stone-you have been friends with a 14.5-stone friend?

.... Go. And try to have a lovely time!

Sush nonsense. They might think you let yourself go, but they wouldn't cut a friendship over someone being fat.
But if You don't like all the weight gain, then try to lose the extra weight., to feel happy again

@ThanksMateThanksMate

Would the 12-stone-you have been friends with a 14.5-stone friend?

Yes. Of course.

I don't consider myself better than anyone.
I never have and I never would.

But genuinely right now I don't feel good enough because of my appearance and I'm worried they will dislike me for the same reasons I dislike myself.

Honestly.. after having my first I was a good 3 stone heavier than normal...so not 'me' at all and I hated it (always been slim). I also had PND and thought I was useless, and ugly, and I was anxious and miserable.
BUT none of the women I met at baby groups, then toddler groups saw that! They thought I was competent and friendly... and friendships bloomed.
After 3 babies in 2 years and 3 months I was back to my 'normal' size, knackered beyond belief and probably looked like a bag of poo... but I still had friends.
My oldest 'baby group' friend is literally double my size... I adore her and am in awe of her too for a hundred reasons.

Size doesn't matter... get out there :)

@alllthingsbright have you ever been diagnosed with any type of anxiety disorder or depression? Your thought process sounds negative, I would say extremely negative. If I were your friend or partner or family member, I'd be really worried about you. I know I was in a very dark place after my second child. I now realise I was masking a lot and never approached my health visitor. 2 or 3 years later though when anxiety levels were still massively impacting my wellbeing, I went to the GP and she was brilliant.

Medication and exercise saved my sanity and quality of life. Please seek some support in real life. Take care x

Of course I’d be friends with someone that’s overweight. I couldn’t care what they looked like as long as they were nice!!

[quote Griefmonster]@alllthingsbright have you ever been diagnosed with any type of anxiety disorder or depression? Your thought process sounds negative, I would say extremely negative. If I were your friend or partner or family member, I'd be really worried about you. I know I was in a very dark place after my second child. I now realise I was masking a lot and never approached my health visitor. 2 or 3 years later though when anxiety levels were still massively impacting my wellbeing, I went to the GP and she was brilliant.

Medication and exercise saved my sanity and quality of life. Please seek some support in real life. Take care x[/quote]
@Griefmonster

No I haven't.

I think I just have very low self esteem right now.
I'm hoping once I've lost some weight I will feel happier and healthier.

It's not really about the weight though, is it? It's about feeling you are not worthy of love and kindness - either in general or with this group of people.

People who have to shift a few pounds but otherwise have anxiety responses at a manageable level do not agonise over whether people will still like them. (I should know, I am one of them!) If I had changed physically a lot, I would maybe think along the lines of "oh crikey they're going to get a shock." But I wouldn't think "what if they dump me?"

So either you think they are a bunch of really shallow mean girls or your thought processes are very skewed and that requires intervention. Either way, you need some help with your negative self talk.

I have friends of all sizes and my OH is overweight. I care a lot more about the person they are than their waist size.

14 stone isn’t that heavy, stop worrying. Just eat healthy and enjoy your life. If your friends don’t like you due to your weight I would say you are best to get new friends.

My best friend is 6 sizes bigger than me, my other closest friends are all a lot bigger than me. I lost weight thanks to finally chucking my very violent ex husband out of my life (divorce diet) and I am still amazed that they want me in their lives. Nothing to do with size, everything to do with confidence that they have and I dont have.

So yes, of course I would.

Why would I want to be friends with someone who would judge someone by their weight?

I think that’s a giant arsehole filter OP.

Oh love, you're overthinking massively, but I understand perfectly why. Everyone will have gained weight in lockdown, I promise you that, I certainly have, at my last estimate 25lbs of it, every single person I know has gained weight to one degree or another. You sound lovely and charming, and I'm willing to bet you're beautiful too, whether you see it right now or not. Go to your meetup, even if you tell yourself you'll just stay for an hour, I promise you it won't be as bad as you think it will.

I'm so so sorry you're feeling like this, it's common when you're suffering from low self esteem. Lockdown hasn't helped!

I'm undergoing CBT for the same thing right now, and one of the techniques I was shown was to draw a pie chart and fill it in with your first intrusive thought "I'm fat and they'll judge me/not want to be friends anymore". Then you add more slices with the alternatives and any evidence you have.

For example they might think it's so great to see you, what a wonderful mum, what a gorgeous dress, she's looking radiant etc. Over time, it helps your brain recognise that your first negative thought it's certain.

Hopefully you're able to enjoy your day, and wonder what all the worry was about! Good luck