*Trigger Warning* My MIL is a rape apologiser

[Gurtcha]

Just that really. Yesterday afternoon she was talking about her best friend’s (of 30+ years) DD, MIL’s god daughter. Unfortunately, MILBF’s DD was attacked and seriously sexually assaulted last weekend. Whilst telling us everything that she knew about the incident (thats something else - it was really not her place to tell all), she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.

Mine and DHs jaw hit the floor, DH started stammering and I’m ashamed to say I hit the roof. I can usually tune out her mindless ignorance on most things but this time she got under my skin. I told her it was disgusting that she would defend an abuser of someone she claims to care about, that her attitudes were responsible for the suicides of victims that never get justice and that she needs to educate herself as she is clearly in the privileged position of being a woman that has never had to experience sexual abuse. I upped and left at that point. I did raise my voice, it’s true. I was totally disgusted and I still feel sick whenever I think about it. I’ve not spoken to her since, neither has DH. He’s seething.

The thing is, we have three young DDs 12, 8 and 3. AIBU to never want them to spend enough time with her for her views to become known to them? She can barely keep her opinions to herself at the best of times and I’m so scared that one day, my DDs will feel they have a good enough relationship with her to confide in her at a later date, if god forbid, anything should happen to them.

Thanks everybody that has been reassuring in the fact that they probably wouldn’t disclose anything of this kind to their GM. That was solely what I was worried about and it’s put my mind at ease. Bizarrely enough though, I probably would have been happy to confide in one of my GMs (long dead now unfortunately), she had at least 30 years on MIL and would have had the polar opposite view. She was always a pretty progressive lady though and that’s probably confused matters for me a bit, expecting that my DDs would have a similar relationship with theirs.

@PyongyangKipperbang

I agree totally - this sort of woman and her beliefs is exactly why rape victims don't come forward - the shame of being blamed for something that was not their fault.

But XingMing, around the same age I went on plenty of nights out wearing lingerie-type clothes and yet (thankfully - although I shouldn’t have to be thankful for this fact) that daytime incident is the worst thing I’ve experienced. Although I was groped over the clothes several times on the crowded dance floors of clubs.

I hardly “sleepwalked” into it in the daytime instance... but did I deserve to be groped or have something even worse happen on my scantily-clad nights out? Because that’s what your posts imply. And it’s quite frankly ridiculous. See Jux’s excellent post for why.

My "D"M is a rape apologist. I am a rape survivor. For several months she couldn't speak to me without fretting about "those poor" Ulster Rugby players "whose lives were being ruined". Our relationship has only survived because I lost my shit and managed to impress on her that if she ever pulled that shit again in my house, she would never enter it again.

Why is the rapist more likely to attack the woman in a mini skirt @Alwaysinpain?

“For ease” is such bullshit by the way and it is exactly the same thing as saying “she was attacked because of the clothes she was wearing”

But she didn’t say, I’m not surprised it happened because rape is so prevelant and you can get raped at any time of night or day.
She said I’m not surprised she was raped because of what she usually wears.

Can you genuinely not see the difference. Unless the op has outright lied and not given us the full story, which seems a little bit more doubtful

That was meant for @Pragmatic411y

You’re 100% in the right. People with these attitudes should be ashamed of themselves.
When I was 18 my abusive father told me (yelling and smashing his fist on the table) that women ask for it and that if I ever went to a guys place and was raped I shouldn’t come crying to him. I was still a virgin and barely left the house...The argument was all about a document-drama on TV.
I got a job two days later and left home within a week. My mother supported me but couldn’t stand up to him. This was more than 20 years ago - I still despise him.

I think that the PP who said that actually a woman who is scantily dressed is more likely to be blamed for her assault and the rapist more likely to get away with it, is pretty much on the money.

I suspect it was one of the deleted comments, but think about it critically.....

If you were going to assault a woman, wouldnt it make sense for to pick one that is going to be judged as the MIL judged her god daughter? We all know that the chance of a rapist getting convicted are slim to none, if it even makes it to court.

Its a sad fact that rape will always be seen as "well you know what men are like, if you are going to wear a short skirt they are going to want to have sex with you" until its universally accepted that rape is never about sex but about power, control and hatred which is why the majority of men dont do it.

@Pragmatic411y I know exactly what she meant. She knew exactly what she meant. Anybody with a couple of brain cells to rub together knows exactly what she meant. Come on now, I know you’d just love a reaction for being the innocent devils advocate but don’t lower yourself to the gaslighting bullshit of “oh but I didn’t mean it like that“

@Pragmatic411y

Seriously read this quote you used
“she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.”

Now we are talking about a sexual assault and the MIL says she WASN'T SURPRISED IT HAPPENED 'CONSIDERING' THE WAY HER GOD DAUGHTER DRESSES.....

IT was the assault - she wasn't SURPRISED that IT (the assault) happened CONSIDERING the way her god daughter dresses...

You are as bad as the MIL

NO WOMAN no matter what she wears deserves to be raped - IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT MEAN victims like ME don't want to talk about what happened to them..... I will NOT be silenced by vile apologists NO ONE DESERVES RAPE NO ONE

Oh my god, my aunt tried to say something along those lines once when a girl in our town was raped. I shut it down and reminded her that that could easily be me or my daughter and how disgusting if people were speaking of her family like that. It's never been mentioned again but I have never and never will look at her the same way, I actually feel pretty sorry for her that she is that ignorant.

Total full story here. Cross my heart and all the old shit. The whole conversation must Have lasted less than a very grim 5 minutes.

@Pragmatic411y she was saying her GD was raped because of the way she dresses. That is the last time I will reply to you because you’re being deliberately provocative and frankly, it’s a bit sick of you considering how many posters have shared their own horrific stories on this thread. Get a clue.

I went to a training workshop on sexual abuse. It was an amazing workshop. One of the most shocking thing and learning experiences I seen was; they had a room FULL of manicans, I'd say about 50 of them they were different ages/sizes. I'd say 1 had a short skirt on. Others had tracksuits, pyjamas, casual wear. It was so sad. My heart broke.

Your MIL needs educated. Many people in our society need educated. It's so frustrating to meet people who refuse to acknowledge there are horrible sexual predators out there. You are not wrong for loosing it... absolutely not.

My Mom regularly passes racist comments, of the type as ' there's a new family moved in, they're Asian but really nice' type. We have pulled her up on it but didn't make any difference, until my DD1 (16 at the time) said 'Granny, I really don't like it when you make racist comments, could you stop please'. My DD1 is usually the most conflict avoidant person going, I was so proud of her. Bring your girls up to be confident in what's right and they'll be ok.

Completely appreciate your thinking though, I would not have wanted my girls exposed to that thinking from someone close either, there's enough coming at them from all other areas (my girls were only with my mom when I was around so could be very clear on any comments made)

We’ve not decided anything regards going NC but I think DH will being going with the kids to dinner on Sunday and I’ll be staying at home

No no no no no no a million times no!!

She made sure she said she was lookingforward to seeing the children because it will have already crossed her mind that you will stay away WITH THEM. And you should.

Your DH going with your kids and without you sends the message that YOU are the one on your own, and SHE is the one who gets the family around her on the Sunday. YOU are the one out of the circle. Ergo - she's right, you're wrong. She'll be smugly clapping herself on the back, having got exactly what she wanted - she will think her son probably insisted on taking the children to see his innocent mother, telling you to stay away if you couldn't be civil...

It's exactly the wrong message to send. And anyway, it's also the wrong thing to DO! The reason you'd be going NC - if you do - is mainly because you want to put clear distance between your children and her.

So do so. Your DH could go, but NOT your kids. Send the message: you start trouble in this family with this mother, and you will be the one on the outside of the family - your relationship with your son is up to him and you but no, you won't be getting our family coming round for dinner with you with stuff like this hanging in the air and no apology.

And where is your DH in this now? Now is the time for him too to send a very strong message to his mother. You don't try and pass off this as my wife being rude to you. You deserved what you got and I don't want to visit right now and neither does my family.

But the most important thing of all is - do not let her have ammunition here by you staying away but your children going to her house. She will think your DH is taking them there because he sympathises with her and has stopped you preventing the children going. Don't ever do that!

@Gurtcha .... she was but sadly *@Prag*matic411y seems to think the same way. Until attitudes change in society women will be scared to come forward and victims will be looked on as if they are at fault...

It's sad/disgusting/shocking when women enable rapists.

I have had enough of @Prag constantly pushing the point that MIL and people who say similar things are doing nothing wrong. It has made be very sad and opened really old wounds - I cannot read the crap that people like @Prag troll