*Trigger Warning* My MIL is a rape apologiser

[Gurtcha]

Just that really. Yesterday afternoon she was talking about her best friend’s (of 30+ years) DD, MIL’s god daughter. Unfortunately, MILBF’s DD was attacked and seriously sexually assaulted last weekend. Whilst telling us everything that she knew about the incident (thats something else - it was really not her place to tell all), she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.

Mine and DHs jaw hit the floor, DH started stammering and I’m ashamed to say I hit the roof. I can usually tune out her mindless ignorance on most things but this time she got under my skin. I told her it was disgusting that she would defend an abuser of someone she claims to care about, that her attitudes were responsible for the suicides of victims that never get justice and that she needs to educate herself as she is clearly in the privileged position of being a woman that has never had to experience sexual abuse. I upped and left at that point. I did raise my voice, it’s true. I was totally disgusted and I still feel sick whenever I think about it. I’ve not spoken to her since, neither has DH. He’s seething.

The thing is, we have three young DDs 12, 8 and 3. AIBU to never want them to spend enough time with her for her views to become known to them? She can barely keep her opinions to herself at the best of times and I’m so scared that one day, my DDs will feel they have a good enough relationship with her to confide in her at a later date, if god forbid, anything should happen to them.

Her response your outburst I would seriously worry about her influence.

There was a rapist, there was clothes, there was a victim. Only one of those three things is the reason why the victim got raped

Beautifully put

Ah yeah, I’ve always known she’s a terrible gossip and just loves to twist things to suit a narrative @WingingItSince1973. She never hears anything of interest from us until the moment has past and is often the last to know.

Honestly, there’s no love lost between me and her. I’ve had her card marked for quite some time. She is not the type of person I would chose to associate with socially. I can usually just handle it though and stay civil. This time was a step too far though and I’m not sure I can return to the bright, breezy and shallow relationship we had before.

DH is wonderful but I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t taken a little bit of work. His DMs (and to some extent DFs) outlook on life did of course rub off on him which is to be expected but thankfully not to the extent of something like this.

Your MIL is clearly out of order, and you were absolutely right to confront her.

However, I would not be too worried about your daughters having contact with her. My grandparents (all four of them), quite honestly, held opinions that I would not spell out aloud even in an empty room to myself - on the matters of race, equality etc. My parents are, most likely, mildly racist, and on the subject of rape they are likely hold the same opinion as your MIL (I never checked). They are a product of their time and culture. I still grew up OK. And it looks like your husband also grew up OK, despite clearly being more exposed to his mum than your daughters will ever be to their granny.

I don't think you need to sanitise the informational environment for your daughters. As with the "hygiene hypothesis" of immunity, some dirt is necessary to train the immune system in the infancy, so it knows friend from foe.

@Jux
I like that. Very clever. Op you should do this and stay deadly calm.
If you’re calm she can’t be “disappointed in you” and decide that she’s the victim in this

@XingMing

Nudist beaches are very a-sexual, because most bodies look like bodies starkers. Some pretty, many not but buying a sandwich in a supermarket full of naked people is not an erotic experience. If you haven't been there, trust me! Naturists are not seeking thrills although sometimes a man gets an erection and people are either amused or ignore it totally.

Funny you should mention buying a sandwich in the supermarket... one summer day I went to buy lunch in the supermarket 2 minutes walk from my office.

I was wearing a knee length skater dress and flats - office appropriate attire for warm weather. A random man came up behind me as I was walking towards the exit, flipped up my skirt to reveal my underwear, and grabbed my bum. He then ran past me grinning. After a moment of shock I started to follow him asking what he thought he was doing.

He ran away, and I went back in to the security guard to ask if their cameras would have caught anything. The guard said he “thought we knew each other and were messing around”, which is why he did nothing to stop the man despite seeing all of this happen. At the time, I was early 20s and this man was late 50s at a guess.

Please @XingMing, could you enlighten me as to how my office appropriate clothes or putting myself in the “dangerous situation” of buying lunch in a busy town in the middle of the day were to blame for this incident?

That aside, to everyone who has been subjected to any type of inappropriate behaviour. And your daughters are very lucky to have you and your DH as parents @Gurtcha

@xingming So because you didn't get attacked when wearing non-revealing clothes, women who are attacked whilst wearing revealing clothing have themselves to blame? I'm afraid that's not how logic works, try again...

Why are you ashamed that you hit the roof.
She deserved that response. Good God I pray she is never called up for jury Duty on a sexual assault case. I also pray she hasn’t said that to the poor women or her mum.
I wouldn’t want my kids around her either.

No, on both challenges posed, you are talking about MEN indulging in BAD behaviour. Not about women.

I wouldn't allow your DDs to go. At least for a long while. And I would absolutely demand that you sit and read her the riot act dictating that at no time is she ever to say anything like that ever again.

Even if she went out in just her knickers and bra. NO MEANS NO. There’s no mixed signals!!

Your DH is with you.

She is vile. Distance yourself and children and tell her exactly why. Nasty old boot

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Funny you should say that, I was just thinking "and this is why we so rarely get justice in rape cases, because people still hold this view" and lets face it, if the defence didnt know that then they wouldnt trot out the victims sexual history, alcohol consumption and attire in literally every single case.

As for losing my cool not being a good thing. I know that. That’s what I’m ashamed about. I wish I had been able to cut her down in a quietly dignified way

I actually disagree with this. The idea that you must not show emotion when responding to other people's outrageous behaviour is very culturally specific. Sometimes that is the best way, sometimes it is not. Sometimes calmness holds power, often it does not. Either way I don't think shame should be involved.

I dislike the idea of anyone feeling ashamed for responding as a human being rather than a robot to something as horrific as the comments your MIL was making. There is already enough shame applied to those affected by sexual assault.

Why should she be shielded from the emotional impact of her repugnant words? And why should you be compelled to pretend to be unaffected for her comfort?

Humans have emotions. It is acceptable to express them and for them to be revealed when speaking.

I've changed my name.

I was sexually assaulted when I walked home age 18 (many, many years ago). U was wearing high heels and a short skirt and off the shoulder top. A lot was made of this. I had also had a couple of half lagers with my friends - again a lot was made of this.

I fought him off and wasn't raped. I escaped with just bloody knees, cuts to my hands and a lasting fear of having someone cover my mouth.

He had a small fine and laughed in the court about it afterwards...shall I pay cash was his response to the fine.

My point is that there are SCUM and I include your MIL who think what he did was ok because of what I wore/the half of lager and walking home alone (what did I expect)..... people like her are the reason that some men feel it is their RIGHT to take advantage of women. She is a rape/sexual assault enabler - disgusting woman

Good on you for standing up to your MIL. How old is she? As mine also said a similar thing, that given how young girls dress these days no wonder they get raped I told DH as he knows how anti men I can be and his response was "oh that's just her generation". He does disagree with her comment but as a mother of a daughter I am disgusted that my MIL said such a thing. She is a very toxic person who is opinionated and loves to start arguments so I generally avoid her where possible and refuse to let DD stay with her without me.

Oh please @Pragmatic411y

@Pragmatic411y

You have got to be joking! “she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.”

Her indicating surprise that a young girl was assaulted because of how she dresses is so totally wrong....women like you contribute to the problem....

Dig deep and listen to what you are saying - there is NO JUSTIFICATION FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT and 'no SURPRISE' that someone is assaulted for what they are wearing is giving an excuse to men who assault - STOP FUCKING DOING IT

IT IS NEVER OK NO MATTER WHAT CLOTHING SO - she should be and you should be SURPRISED that people still think it is ok to comment on what clothing a rape victim was wearing!

I doubt your daughters s will confide in her as they get older. There will be a generation gap of attitudes anyway and your daughters may pick up on her out of date opinions on other things, possibly things you haven’t picked up on.

I dated a guy once whose father said women who wear short skirts are asking to be raped. Sadly I think there are still people who think this but I do think they’re shrinking in numbers.

@XingMing

You can't get past stupid. My 73 year old Pilates teacher was charged and trampled by a cow this weekend. and airlifted to hospital. I don't suppose she did anything to provoke the cow, but it still charged her...

How many times is it necessary to repeat that nothing ever condones rape... or that dressing to invite unwanted sexual advances is foolish? I deliberately exclude family situations which tend to be power plays.

No one invites unwanted sexual advances from the way they dress. And I don't see what someone getting trampled by a cow has to do with rape.

@Pragmatic411y

Are you the MIL?

Seriously the OP @Gurtcha has a right to be disgusted with MIL's opinions

This video uses a funny analogy that highlights how if you can understand that forcing someone to drink tea is “ludicrous” then it should be easy to understand when people don’t want sex.

Might be better than comparing it to a car?