*Trigger Warning* My MIL is a rape apologiser

[Gurtcha]

Just that really. Yesterday afternoon she was talking about her best friend’s (of 30+ years) DD, MIL’s god daughter. Unfortunately, MILBF’s DD was attacked and seriously sexually assaulted last weekend. Whilst telling us everything that she knew about the incident (thats something else - it was really not her place to tell all), she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.

Mine and DHs jaw hit the floor, DH started stammering and I’m ashamed to say I hit the roof. I can usually tune out her mindless ignorance on most things but this time she got under my skin. I told her it was disgusting that she would defend an abuser of someone she claims to care about, that her attitudes were responsible for the suicides of victims that never get justice and that she needs to educate herself as she is clearly in the privileged position of being a woman that has never had to experience sexual abuse. I upped and left at that point. I did raise my voice, it’s true. I was totally disgusted and I still feel sick whenever I think about it. I’ve not spoken to her since, neither has DH. He’s seething.

The thing is, we have three young DDs 12, 8 and 3. AIBU to never want them to spend enough time with her for her views to become known to them? She can barely keep her opinions to herself at the best of times and I’m so scared that one day, my DDs will feel they have a good enough relationship with her to confide in her at a later date, if god forbid, anything should happen to them.

I think this just about sums it up

Look, I am with you OP, it's appalling and I had the same conversations with myself and my DH about my FIL. I do not agree with his views on most things. But at the end of the day he is my DH's Dad. We don't have to agree with his opinions, but in reality he has no influence as he sits at home watching Sky Sports. He also doesn't see the kids enough to be able to influence them. He now has lymphoma and I am glad I didn't cut him out of my life because he reads the Daily Mail.

I accept that on mumsnet that probably officially makes me an enabler of hate speech but it is also the reality of family life at times. My 'opinion' is that you should not cut out your MIL for this but that is of course up to you.

Hmmm I really don't know whether you should go NC or not. In some ways I think you should. I mean, sometimes we pick a hill to die on that others wouldn't. But, you have to stay true to yourself. The standard you walk past is the standard you accept. Sometimes even if children really like their GPs, they can be toxic for the children. If MIL is toxic with things like race, sexuality, religion, well I think she would be no loss. I really don't know what I'd do. I would definitely not be apologising to her and I would let her know I found her views to be deeply and utterly offensive and I would at least like an apology from her. Put it back on her to apologise. She probably won't, but still she should not be allowed to make herself the victim here, when she is not. I would avoid going on Sundays for awhile at least. And keep the kids at home too, let DH go if he wants to.

Yeah, I realise that was all over the place.

Also, probably not something you wish to entertain, but I think maybe telling her you were raped just might throw a switch in her brain if you say "I was raped and I was wearing x, x, and x so what you said is personal and deeply and utterly offensive". I know you may not want to consider telling her something so private, but - if it may help bring about a change in her view (on that at least) then it may be worth it for your DDs relationships with her. I think sometimes if you've never been through it, rape may seem like an abstract thing; like something that happens to other people. It is often not until close wants share their experiences, that people see the raw emotions and the person's truth, and it hits home then.

*until someone closer to home shares their experiences then it becomes a real issue not just a concept, that people see the raw etc
that should read as.

I was called out above for saying that it was about the way people were dressed, and to be honest, I don't think that's helpful. As a student, in the 1970s, I stayed overnight, by invitation, at the flat of a friend (on a sofa) because it was a long walk home, after a party, in appalling weather in winter. In retrospect, you'd probably call it rape, but at the time, it was just unwelcome.

are u for real now or just a horrid troll xing

@XingMing

I was called out above for saying that it was about the way people were dressed, and to be honest, I don't think that's helpful. As a student, in the 1970s, I stayed overnight, by invitation, at the flat of a friend (on a sofa) because it was a long walk home, after a party, in appalling weather in winter. In retrospect, you'd probably call it rape, but at the time, it was just unwelcome.

I'm not sure what you are saying here, Xing.

If someone had "sex" with you, and you didn't want it (which is what you are implying) then yes, it WAS rape. No probably about it.

And I am sorry that that happened to you, and that you need to frame it as "unwanted attention" rather than what it was, because I think it is obviously hard for you to do so.

You having had this encounter does not in any way, justify you shifting the blame for rape/sexual assaults onto the victims. It is NEVER the victims fault.

However, if I follow your train of thought, I could turn around and say that you staying over night lead to the encounter. Therefore placing the blame on YOU for what happened. Therefore I would be victim blaming you, in the same you victim blamed the GD in this narrative. But as it stands, neither of you were to blame. Not your staying overnight, not the GDs attire.

You were raped/sexually assaulted because you met a rapist. That's IT!

@xingming I was one of those who called you out about saying it was because of how victims were dressed. I don't really understand what you mean saying it's unhelpful? To whom? Do you really think it's helpful to victims of rape to imply they brought it on themselves? Or is it rapists we're being unhelpful to? Should we be excusing their behaviour as they were led on?

I also don't follow your reasoning about your rape, which is what it was. I'm sorry it happened to you but I don't see what you're trying to say here? Is it because you reframed it as unwanted attention, all victims should? Or because you weren't wearing 'inappropriate' clothes you are in a different category to those you consider were?

Your logic seems very twisted to me.