*Trigger Warning* My MIL is a rape apologiser

[Gurtcha]

Just that really. Yesterday afternoon she was talking about her best friend’s (of 30+ years) DD, MIL’s god daughter. Unfortunately, MILBF’s DD was attacked and seriously sexually assaulted last weekend. Whilst telling us everything that she knew about the incident (thats something else - it was really not her place to tell all), she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.

Mine and DHs jaw hit the floor, DH started stammering and I’m ashamed to say I hit the roof. I can usually tune out her mindless ignorance on most things but this time she got under my skin. I told her it was disgusting that she would defend an abuser of someone she claims to care about, that her attitudes were responsible for the suicides of victims that never get justice and that she needs to educate herself as she is clearly in the privileged position of being a woman that has never had to experience sexual abuse. I upped and left at that point. I did raise my voice, it’s true. I was totally disgusted and I still feel sick whenever I think about it. I’ve not spoken to her since, neither has DH. He’s seething.

The thing is, we have three young DDs 12, 8 and 3. AIBU to never want them to spend enough time with her for her views to become known to them? She can barely keep her opinions to herself at the best of times and I’m so scared that one day, my DDs will feel they have a good enough relationship with her to confide in her at a later date, if god forbid, anything should happen to them.

And yes, I would contact GD and offer her your support and a shoulder to cry on. I am sure she could do with all the help she can get in the coming months.

And Clevererthanyou I am so, so sorry that ANYONE, much less your own mother, would have said that to you.

An opportunity to discuss with your older girl that some adults have very outdated/bigoted views about sex encounters and consent, and that a modern young woman needs to be properly informed for her own protection.

What an idiot she is. Sadly my own mother had the same sort of opinions about rape victims. I think it is a defense mechanism to think of what the victim was wearing, rather than the sad reality that it could happen to her too, in spite of what she is wearing.

Thanks @mbosnz. I do try. Especially with the eldest now she’s almost a teen. Totally expecting to be the uncool mother at some point though and for them to seek out others for support.

Christ, there’s so much to be scared of for them isn’t there?!?!

Blaming women for the violent actions of men Some things never change.

I'm glad you didn't let it go unchallenged OP. We need more people willing to call this shit out.

@krustykittens

She'll be very lucky if this never gets back to her best friend, as I am sure you are not the only person she has said this to. Appalling attitude and this lack of empathy to someone I assume she claimed to care for is disturbing. I would also watch her carefully around your children. My physically abusive stepfather once told my six year old daughter that sometimes men have good reason to beat women. It was completely out of the blue, my six year old didn't initiate a conversation about domestic violence. For this and unfortunately, too many other instances due to my being reluctant to severe the relationship, we have now gone NC. Both my parents went out of their way to destroy my self esteem and oddly enough, that of my eldest daughter. I really wouldn't trust your MIL not to the same- you said she has said some ignorant things before?

Yes, she’s pretty ignorant to the world and always has been. She’s always been very judgemental, bitchy and lacking in empathy. This is the worst thing I’ve ever heard her say though.

Exactly the right reaction OP. Well done

Just to clarify (or drip feed ) I was raped as a young adult which has obviously shaped my thinking. She doesn’t know this and I’m glad I never entrusted her with the information.

'No thanks we won't be bringing the kids to see you. We're busy.'

'You can't keep me from my grandchildren!'

'Well, looks like we'll have to agree to disagree.'

No relationship with a toxic, always right, bigoted grandparent is better than having one.

Glad you didn't tell her about your rape OP and I'm sorry that happened to you. As someone else suggested, if it is age appropriate, I would let your daughters know what your grandma thinks about this issue and use it as a way to teach them about misogyny and how it can manifest.

I think I would give GD's mum the heads up that MIL is spreading the news so she is not caught unaware at any stage. Also say that you are there for them both should they need to talk at any stage.

Without ruining your and your kids' relationship with her - why not calm down and try and re-educate her?

This is exactly the opinion that many of my parents' generation have - 'go out dressed like a hussy and face the consequences...'

Yes, it's a deplorable attitude, but it's borne of ignorance. She might surprise you and be receptive to a reasoned explanation of why this is not OK.

well we’ll have to agree to disagree
then you should follow suit and not back down
(I'm so sorry for what you've been through Gurtcha)

How would you go about that @BobFleming? I would love to believe that I could dedicate her but honestly, I think she believes she right and she doesn’t really care. I’ve often wondered if she’s a narcissist actually but that’s going of point a bit....

I've found a well-timed eye roll that the kids can see, when Grandma is going off on one, can do wonders for how much credence they give Grandma's views. And Grandpa. . .

And some particularly problematic aunts and uncles. . .

I expect my kids to have other sources of comfort and support, but if they know that Mum and Dad will always have their back, they will never blame them for being the victim of a crime, and will be a soft place to fall if they want or need it, really does have a lot of power. It means they feel safe to confide in you, to discuss things with you, to debate and argue with you and explore and mould their own beliefs, and to share their experiences with you.

My daughter, the other day, wanted to go out in a very short black mini, with fish nets, and a crop top. I just about swallowed my bloody tongue. I said all the wrong things, coming from all the right places.

Went and discussed it with her later, saying, I wish we could walk starkers down the bloody street if we wanted it, but sometimes people take what we are wearing as a statement about what they can take from us with impunity, because of rape myths, and how they pervade society and our police and legal systems.

Dad said let her go - but with one of us. She did. She did not enjoy the experience, really did feel the changed atmosphere of attention directed at her. Bloody hard lesson that no one should have to learn.

Yes saying “educate yourself” will always win these arguments.

Iv'e had the same with my PILs, and I'm afraid that I would never have considered for a moment going low contact or not seeing them any more. They are my children's grandparents and there is a lot of love on both sides. I have challenged them in the past, even going as far as leaving the room when talking about the same subject, the case of the footballers a couple of years ago, where a very drunk girl went back to the hotel room.

It's up to you and your Dh to bring the children up with the right values, and they will learn what is right from you, no one else. My Dc are late teens, early twenties now and they cringe at some of the things that their grandparents say, they have never been influenced by them.

Your Dc will be exposed to these awful attitudes going through life, they need to be resilient.

Thankyou all for the reassurance. Especially with me and DH being the main people that will shape DDs resilience and values. I needed to hear it. I find being a parent of girls absolutely terrifying.

Let the heat die out of the situation going NC is the easiest (probably preferred) option. But she some how mange to make herself the inured party in this.
Challenge her if she thinks it a justifiable and reasonable thing to say tell her to share her views with her friend see what she says then

My own dm has similar views. She said something along the lines of ‘what did she expect, short skirt and cleavage on show’. I went around the next day wearing a similar outfit and asked if I should expect to be raped. Apparently I’m not funny (wasn’t trying to be).

If she wants to agree to disagree then maybe she should ask her friend what her view is. I doubt she would because she knows that her views are wrong and would rightly cost her a friendship.

I hope your MILs opinion gets back to her friend so she can cut her loose, I would be gutted if the person I made godmother to my child could be so disgusting after such an awful ordeal.

Good for you op.
It's so important these attitudes are challenged all the time. And saying that about someone she's connected with too? Dreadful.
I bloody hate that 'agree to disagree' thing too. It's so passive agressive.

@Gurtcha I think it would be nice to reach out to GD, if you think she will be okay with you knowing? Maybe just a. Message to say that you’re there if she needs you, especially as you have been through the same thing, she might find that reassuring.

No comments on your MIL, but well done for telling her straight.

I’m not sure if GD will be happy with us knowing. I know I would be mortified, so that’s why I’m hesitating. I’ll think on it some more.

Definitely not going to tell BF or GD what MIL said though. I don’t want to be responsible of inflicting more pain at this already horrendous time for them. If it gets back (it will, she will have expressed this to others) then so be it.

Well done for standing up to her! What a disgusting thing for her to say!