*Trigger Warning* My MIL is a rape apologiser

[Gurtcha]

Just that really. Yesterday afternoon she was talking about her best friend’s (of 30+ years) DD, MIL’s god daughter. Unfortunately, MILBF’s DD was attacked and seriously sexually assaulted last weekend. Whilst telling us everything that she knew about the incident (thats something else - it was really not her place to tell all), she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.

Mine and DHs jaw hit the floor, DH started stammering and I’m ashamed to say I hit the roof. I can usually tune out her mindless ignorance on most things but this time she got under my skin. I told her it was disgusting that she would defend an abuser of someone she claims to care about, that her attitudes were responsible for the suicides of victims that never get justice and that she needs to educate herself as she is clearly in the privileged position of being a woman that has never had to experience sexual abuse. I upped and left at that point. I did raise my voice, it’s true. I was totally disgusted and I still feel sick whenever I think about it. I’ve not spoken to her since, neither has DH. He’s seething.

The thing is, we have three young DDs 12, 8 and 3. AIBU to never want them to spend enough time with her for her views to become known to them? She can barely keep her opinions to herself at the best of times and I’m so scared that one day, my DDs will feel they have a good enough relationship with her to confide in her at a later date, if god forbid, anything should happen to them.

@Gurtcha

Ah. News just in from MIL to DH via text. I was ‘unnecessarily aggressive’ and ‘disappointing’ yesterday. Apparently she feels attacked and upset but is looking forward to seeing us for dinner next Sunday, especially the children.

DH just laughed. He’s not responding.

This is like my mother.

The narrative is you over reacted. Any response which challenges her view is aggressive/unstable/oversensitive.

She can be hurt by you. She can be hurt by your upsetness. But you cannot be hurt by her. Nope.

I know it is not current thinking, but women usually smaller than men are at much higher risk of violent attack. Dress provocatively if you want, but stay in groups. The risks of doing otherwise are simply very high.

@XingMing
Eh
But that doesn’t even make sense. Women in general Don’t get raped for wearing a short skirt or pouty lipstick. It’s just an excuse people make up to make themselves seem morally superior. Because guess what, women are still blamed for being sexually assaulted and you seem to agree with it.

I hope you and your husband stick to your guns on this. If she can't see why you were upset then there is no educating her through words.

Keep your distance for a while and I'm sure she will start to see things from your point of view.

Well done OP for standing up to MIL. I had a slightly similar incident with DF not long ago, I went to visit amd he was kicking off about the BLM riots, and using racist language. I went mental, and told him never to use those words around my child, amd also to educate himself on systemic racism. He tried to argue as he always does but I shut him down every time. He then did a complete U-turn and has never mentioned it since. It might be worth speaking to MIL again, and reiterate that her attitudes are not acceptable, especially given she has 3 granddaughters. Stay firm and tell her you will go NC is she starts spouting that shit again

What a nasty hag.

Well done for calling her out on it.

@XingMing I disagree entirely. Copying celebrities clothes? Stop likening women to the actions of a child. We can wear what we like and it makes us no more likely to be raped. You're victim blaming.

Plenty of women are raped by their partners and they're wearing their slob clothes for around the house. Clothes account for nothing. A rapist doesn't care what you wear or look like. They only care to exert their power over someone.

What would you call it @saraclara? I see a rape apologist as affording an excuse to men that rape. Is that not what she did?

@XingMing It’s got nothing to do with their clothes. Rapists don’t target people because of their clothes. Rapists target people because they want to rape. It’s been proven time and time again and that’s all there is to it unfortunately.

@KetoWinnie you’re absolutely right of course. I’ve not discussed next Sunday with DH yet. It was just my initial thoughts but I would prefer to leave it a whole I think.

I’m so sorry to all those that have shared their painful experiences on this thread. I’m not sorry for you, just sorry all that happened. I’m glad you shared though. It makes me resolute to strive for better for my DDs

No I absolutely don't condone it but will not apologise for my opinion. I lived in NY when violent crime was at its peak in the 80s, and went clubbing three nights a week at least..... I didn't leave my apartment before 11.30pm and was rarely home before 3.30 am, travelling on the subways, mostly solo. I had great times, but the fashions of the day were very different to the near-lingerie stripper clothing that seems popular now.

@XingMing oh do fuck off.

@XingMing
You’re actually making a bit of an idiot of yourself now.
Just pipe down, go and do some ironing or something

No, I wouldn't stop my (theoretical) daughters from seeing their grandmother for this-- not unless there were much more serious issues at play.

If your primary concern is that they might be turn to her or confide in her after suffering some type of abuse (and then be damaged by what you're assuming would be her "problematic" response...), I'd say that seems very unlikely to happen. For one thing, wouldn't they be more likely to turn to you, their mother, before going to their grandmother?

I'd just say that you keep this new information in mind as your daughters get older. Give them a strong foundation, as surely you're already trying to do. ...And there's nothing wrong, when they're old enough, with letting them know that their grandmother has some opinions you don't agree with. (They're probably already picking up on that, anyway!)

Cutting the relationship entirely because of this one thing would be a massive over-reaction.

Out of interest @NeutrinoWrangler would you say the same if we were talking about race or homophobia?

Sorry if someone has posted this already, you might want to send your MiL this www.boredpanda.com/what-were-you-wearing-sexual-assault-art-exhibition/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

I can see why you want a break but I do think that cutting an immediate family member out completely for one comment may be a bit harsh. If she makes comments like this all the time then I can understand you not wanting your children exposed to that though. Its tricky with family, your girls may still get something out of a relationship with her even if does hold some horrible views.

@xingming what happens at a nudist beach then-does everyone get raped because theyre naked

Well done for calling her out, OP. That took courage. And it’s great to hear your DH is supporting you.

The saddest aspect about this is that she’s supposed to be in a caring relationship with the victim. And also, I hope she will never be called for jury service.

It is much easier to abuse vulnerable young family members, because there's assumed trust, but I was always on red alert travelling alone on the subway and walking home through deserted streets and under road crossings.The 1990s ladette bravado of anything boys can do we can do better has a lot to answer for, mainly because it portrayed girls as up for it. And pornification.

Gosh, I've turned into Mary Whitehouse.

Well done you for calling her out!

@XingMing No I absolutely don't condone it but...

Is exactly the same as saying: 'I'm not racist but'...

Nudist beaches are very a-sexual, because most bodies look like bodies starkers. Some pretty, many not but buying a sandwich in a supermarket full of naked people is not an erotic experience. If you haven't been there, trust me! Naturists are not seeking thrills although sometimes a man gets an erection and people are either amused or ignore it totally.

I agree that her comments are bloody awful, but hopefully she will learn from your firm stance and STFU.
Your husband sounds great, so he has clearly done ok despite her attitude, your DD's hopefully will be exactly the same and they have the advantage of sensible parents.

What a nasty hag
Bit ironic to use a derogatory term for women in a thread that is defending women's rights.
Call her a cock or a prick or a complete Fuckwit but not a term used exclusively for older women.

What would you call it @saraclara? I see a rape apologist as affording an excuse to men that rape. Is that not what she did?

She didn't say it gave him an excuse to rape.

Before I explain what I mean, I need to prefix this with OF COURSE I'm not comparing the two offences:

If you leave your car unlocked, that doesn't excuse someone stealing your car, nor does it make it your fault that the car was stolen. But someone hearing that your car was stolen after you left it unlocked, might say that they're not surprised it was stolen.
That person would not be an apologist for car theft. They'd simply be saying that it's not surprising that the car was taken. I wouldn't be either if I suddenly remembered that I'd left my car unlocked, went outside and saw it had gone.
I wouldn't blame myself, I wouldn't excuse the thief, but I'd not be surprised.

I think it's unfair to assume that your MIL was saying that your GD was giving him an excuse to rape her, (or that him raping her was understandable), based on what she said. And I think going NC is an over-reaction.

[quote Hileni]**@XingMing* No I absolutely don't condone it but*...

Is exactly the same as saying: 'I'm not racist but'...[/quote]
How daft a statement is that @Hileni. Nobody is condoning rape. What I am saying is that no one should be allowed to sleepwalk into the situation.

I also probably need to confirm (and surely it doesn't need saying) that going out in a short skirt isn't the same as leaving your car unlocked and unprotected.
My point is that 'not surprising' doesn't mean justifiable.

@saraclara
That’s the most stupid idiotic pathetic crap stupid. Did I say stupid analogy I’ve ever heard in my whole fucking life.

@saraclara wearing a short skirt is comparable to leaving your car unlocked?

By using this analogy it seems unavoidable to draw the conclusion that you are comparing the two offences on some level if only I could lock my vagina up - would wearing jeans be locking it up, in your analogy?