*Trigger Warning* My MIL is a rape apologiser

[Gurtcha]

Just that really. Yesterday afternoon she was talking about her best friend’s (of 30+ years) DD, MIL’s god daughter. Unfortunately, MILBF’s DD was attacked and seriously sexually assaulted last weekend. Whilst telling us everything that she knew about the incident (thats something else - it was really not her place to tell all), she added that she wasn’t surprised it happened considering the way her god daughter dresses when out of an evening.

Mine and DHs jaw hit the floor, DH started stammering and I’m ashamed to say I hit the roof. I can usually tune out her mindless ignorance on most things but this time she got under my skin. I told her it was disgusting that she would defend an abuser of someone she claims to care about, that her attitudes were responsible for the suicides of victims that never get justice and that she needs to educate herself as she is clearly in the privileged position of being a woman that has never had to experience sexual abuse. I upped and left at that point. I did raise my voice, it’s true. I was totally disgusted and I still feel sick whenever I think about it. I’ve not spoken to her since, neither has DH. He’s seething.

The thing is, we have three young DDs 12, 8 and 3. AIBU to never want them to spend enough time with her for her views to become known to them? She can barely keep her opinions to herself at the best of times and I’m so scared that one day, my DDs will feel they have a good enough relationship with her to confide in her at a later date, if god forbid, anything should happen to them.

Text was sent this morning btw. DH has been working today.

I think these attitudes are horribly old fashioned and of date now TBH. The poor young girl must be totally traumitised .I would not tell GDs DM though as I think they have enough going on as it is.Older people are brought up differently and although its no excuse ,they are set in their ways sadly.Your DH and DC will miss out on seeing their GDP and I would simply try and steer the conversation away from any type of confrontation.Just say you dont feel its appropriate to discuss a family friend and leave it at that

@Gurtcha

There are plenty of girls, teens and women who do not 'suffer' at the hands of men, either physically or verbally. It's not a foregone conclusion just because they are female.

I mean PPs have responded to this much more eloquently than me but frankly, this is bullshit and frankly the kind of thing my MIL would say. Sexual abuse and harassment is a wide spectrum, from a wolf whistle at one end, to violent rape and abduction at the other. You’d be hard pushed to find a woman that has never encountered something on the spectrum. Fact is, most women don’t even realise because it’s been so normalised and minimalists, we’re conditioned to believe it’s normal.

With regards to bringing up girls terrifying, it’s not just sexual abuse thy they will have to face in their life. They will have to encounter many, many things that will constantly reinforce that they are not equal, as worthy or important than any man in this planet.

Maybe I’m a bra burning, hairy, hysterical feminist, who knows but I don’t really care when all I want is for my children to be treated fairly and decently and not be harmed physically or emotionally. I pray everyday that they will feel as strongly as me and will not succumb to society’s gaslighting.

As for losing my cool not being a good thing. I know that. That’s what I’m ashamed about. I wish I had been able to cut her down in a quietly dignified way but I guess when you’re hearing repulsive things, that’s not always an option.

Sounds to me like your daughters are lucky to have you as their parent, OP. And I'm glad your DH is backing you up.

Her views are stupid, but I think it's instructive for your daughters to realise that for themselves.

Just saw your update, well, she can fuck right off!

2. No normal person still thinks that a woman is to blame 'for getting herself raped' outside of Saudi Arabia.

I hate to burst your bubble, but out of a mixed class of 32 high school students of varying cultures and ethnicities, only 2 did not think this. These ideas are still very much embedded in the culture and the psyche.

Look at how few rape complaints go to court. Then look at how few of those get a conviction.

Look at how rape complainants are told that if they don't give up their phones, and allow their privacy to be invaded going back years before the rape, via their phones and social media, then their complaint will be dropped.

I was 16 and a virgin when I was raped by my landlord. I had a bedsit in his house having left home at 16. When I told my mother on the phone she said "I wish you hadn't told me". That was 50 years ago. She died last year at the age of 99. I always hated her and she always hated me. I often thought she lived so long because she was determined to outlive me.

Well, your stupid mare of a MIL needs to learn to read the bloody room, OP. She's disappointed? Well, she's sure as hell gonna be, lol.

Thankyou @wildcherries. I really appreciate that.

I can promise you that every woman will experience sexual harassment at some point in their life, even if it's just a single catcall on one occasion. And it's far more likely that this will happen multiple times. The OP's worries are not unfounded, nor is she being overly dramatic. It's sensible of her to know the risks that women and girls face and to help educate and protect them however she can. Every woman needs to grow up knowing the risks, but not every woman will have experienced sexual harassment in their life. I can promise you that I never have. Ever.

I absolutely would call someone out for that attitude, but tbh I don’t agree with going NC. Fact is that your children will be exposed to those views, potentially even from friends. The attitude that someone was asking for it or falsely cried rape is incredibly prevalent, and it is far better that children grow up knowing those attitudes exist so they can challenge them rather than be cut off from anyone who holds those views.

The reality is that friends, and even e.g. youtubers will be a far bigger influence on the DC as they grow up, and you simply can’t shield them from everything.

And you absolutely shouldn’t reach out to GD. She doesn’t know that you know. Even though someone has made it your business by sharing, it absolutely is none of your business unless she chooses it to be. It’s up to her not you.

You have my sympathy. We are currently out of contact with MIL after her racism apologist posts on FB following George Floyd's murder. DD13 challenged her on it via FB and MIL was apparently terribly upset. To be fair, she was on borrowed time with DD as it was due to her comments on young people's mental health ("what have they got to worry about?") when DD has faced her own challenges with anxiety and OCD (resulting in CAMHS referral and CBT)

I would have exploded at the time. But I wouldn’t stop my daughters seeing her. Unfortunately lots of people think like her. Quite often once you have explained they then understand. When you have been brought up in a misogynist society it is difficult to think differently until someone tells you. Lots of jury’s, Presidents, film directors, MPs, police, women think the same as your MIL as it is institutional. Your role is to educate your daughters. They will hear far worse as they get older from male peers, boyfriends etc. I think your MILs thinking is pretty standard for some generations, sex, age etc.

I do think that some people of a certain generation seem to think that their age means they can speak without even attempting to filter what they're saying, or to think about the potential impact upon those to whom they are speaking.

Of course, they were generally the 'I just say it how I see it' people when younger.

But I've noticed it get worse with some people as they get older.

Neither age, nor familial position confer a 'get out of jail free' pass when expressing misogynistic, racist, or other prejudiced views.

I never said it was up to me @AlternativePerspective and actually if you read my posts I’m very reluctant to contact GD as I would’ve hated that to happen to me.

Also, with regards to going NC I think you may have missed my point. It’s not my DDs coming into contact with people that have these views that worries me, I very much accept it is up to me and DH to build their resilience to help them challenge people like this. My worry is that DDs will build a loving, trusting relationship with MIL, may confide in her in the future and hear her say something very damaging to them in a time of need. I believe a grandmother should be a person to confide in and seek support from. I would now be very nervous of my DDs ever doing that with theirs though.

I’m sorry for your DD @Itstheprinciple. This is exactly the kind of thing I’m worried about. MIL has also got FB misuse down to a fine art...

@ Gurtcha I didn’t say it was you. But there are plenty of people on the thread advocating you contacting GD and one who even said you should tell her what your MIL has been saying about her.

TBH I think it’s possible to have a close loving relationship with someone without believing in everything that someone represents. If the DD’s don’t feel they can confide in their grandmother that won’t be unusual TBH, most kids don’t. It’s up to you to bring them up to know what is right and not, and as they grow older they will form their own opinions anyway. Children are rarely influenced by just one person.

I hope you’re right @AlternativePerspective. We’ve not decided anything regards going NC but I think DH will being going with the kids to dinner on Sunday and I’ll be staying at home. I just can’t move past it and I don’t expect that to change this week.

To be strictly fair, she's not a rape apologist.

She didn't say that your GD deserved to be raped. She didn't say that it was understandable that the guy raped her.

She said she wasn't surprised that it happened. That is slightly different, and although it's something I'd have picked her up on, it's not something that I'd stop my daughters from seeing her for.

disgunsting id let her see the kids but supervised then she'll have to watch her mouth or you can correct her

what is it with some people-chrissie hynde also made these comments about the way people dress what do they expect -shes meant to be an intelligent woman what sort of message is she sending out

@Clevererthanyou

Your mil is bang out of order. Once my late mother discovered that my ex bf had raped me she said (and I quote) “Well I don’t know what your relationship was like do I? You consented to sex with him before so ...” and then “Well whatever, I like him anyway”. Women can be shockingly cruel to other women op and you are within your rights to protect your DD from your MIL malicious diatribe.

I got touched up by an elderly relative when I was little. I told my mum. She didn’t believe me. I re-approached the subject when I was in my twenties and my mum said something g along the lines of “you should just get over it. Other children have much worse abuse than that. Some are fully raped!!” It’s ten years later and it’s still a huge elephant in our relationship. I’ll never forgive or forget that comment. I’m hoping to move away so contact can be made to —nothing— a minimum

I would have found it very hard to stay calm as well.

@Gurtcha

I hope you’re right *@AlternativePerspective*. We’ve not decided anything regards going NC but I think DH will being going with the kids to dinner on Sunday and I’ll be staying at home. I just can’t move past it and I don’t expect that to change this week.

That's REWARDING HER

She doesn't have to face you. She gets her son and her grandchildren without their mother who she's not related to.

I would say to your husband that you need to leave it a few weeks.

How often do you have to go?

I think we're are all agreed that sex should be fully consensual and actively consented to. And that date rape and the use of drugs like Rohypnol, or excess alcohol, to secure compliance to sex, is rape, and that young women should be able to dress as they want without getting raped.

And, it pains me to say it, but the more young girls try to copy their celebrity role models' fashions and dresses, the more likely they are to be targeted as rape victims. I don't imagine Beyonce or Rihanna worry, because they have big bodyguards to protect their privacy and their world. But my daughter and yours, dressed like them, travelling home without security on the bus after a night out and a little or a lot tipsy.......I would worry big time.

@CustardySergeant

I was 16 and a virgin when I was raped by my landlord. I had a bedsit in his house having left home at 16. When I told my mother on the phone she said "I wish you hadn't told me". That was 50 years ago. She died last year at the age of 99. I always hated her and she always hated me. I often thought she lived so long because she was determined to outlive me.

That is so sad. So sorry you had to go through that.

sorry i missed an update

she felt attacked-thats rich isnt it