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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change my son's primary school for the 3rd time?

130 replies

Kateguide · 12/07/2020 22:22

Hello everyone, I would really like your opinions on this. I will try to make this brief. My DS1 is 8 yrs old. He started his 1st primary school, loved it, he stayed there for his reception and year 1. He made a tight group of friends there.

We moved house 2 hours away for work reasons. We live in a borough where catchment area usurps siblings. Our area has 3 amazing primary schools but unfortunately when we moved, his year group in all 3 schools were full, so we applied to go on the waiting lists for all of them. We were allocated a school which has very poor results, he had a good Yr 2 there but we were never going to let him stay, we even looked at private options.

DS2 started at our catchment school in September 2019 in reception.

After trying and failing via the appeals process to get DS1 into our catchment school for yr3, we were offered a place in another local school about 1.5 miles away from DS2's school. We told our son this would be his last move before senior school so he said yes. He has been at this school since October 2019. He seems fairly happy but doesn't have a tight knit group of friends like he had in his 1st school.

Logistically it's a bit of a nightmare. We can't walk either of them to school. Different inset days, different holidays, different communication methods........

I know there is a place coming up in Yr 4 in September in our catchment school (where DS2 is) . Would it be wrong for me to make him change school again? Both schools are excellent - in fact I have DS2, on the waiting list for DS1 school, however, there is very little prospect of him getting a place as we are out of catchment and very little movement. I have mentioned it to DS1 and he said he likes where he is. My life would be so much easier if they were at the same school

So AIBU?

OP posts:
worstwitch18 · 12/07/2020 22:27

I think it's pretty unfair on your DS1 especially as you told him it would be his last move.

How far away are the schools from your home? Any chance he could walk/scooter/bike in a year or two? Or walk with a friend/carpool?

vanillandhoney · 12/07/2020 22:30

I don't understand why you moved him from school 2 if he was happy there? Just over the league table?

Don't move him again Sad

ECBC · 12/07/2020 22:30

I moved primary schools once and that felt like a massive deal so I can’t imagine moving three times. Unless you absolutely have to I wouldn’t. Seems a bit unfair to uproot him once again when you promised you wouldn’t

Floralnomad · 12/07/2020 22:30

You’ve asked him and he’s said he wants to stay where he is , if you move him to him it will likely just seem that you are prioritising you’re younger child .

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/07/2020 22:32

I probably wouldn’t move him either after so many times and With 3 years left.

ChicCroissant · 12/07/2020 22:33

You moved him to his current school one month after your younger child started, and told him it would be the last move. He doesn't want to move again. That does seem really unfair OP.

LovingLola · 12/07/2020 22:35

So he did Reception and Y1 in School A
Y2 in School B
Y3 in School C at which point you promised him no more moves
And now you’re thinking of Y4 in School D?

Ellie56 · 12/07/2020 22:35

Yes you are being unreasonable. Moving school is hugely disruptive. Once maybe, but not three times. In a year or so he'll be able to walk to school himself.

LolaSmiles · 12/07/2020 22:35

It's a lot of ask of your son. I wonder if he's stopped building groups of friends because he knows that it probably won't last long and there'll be another move.

It might be logistically better for you to have them at the same school, but that needs offsetting against the upheaval for a child again.

Ellisandra · 12/07/2020 22:36

You told him you wouldn’t move him again.
He doesn’t want to move.
It’s a good school.

Why is it even a question?!!

You’re clutching at straws, talking about different methods of communication. Come on, that’s a non event! Presumably you’ll cope when you have one at primary one at secondary?

LovingLola · 12/07/2020 22:37

My dh went to 3 different primary schools over 8 years. He was adamant that our children would not undergo that upheaval except as an absolutely last resort.

positivepixie · 12/07/2020 22:37

Oh dear, this is a bit of a dogs dinner. You told him you wouldn’t move him again so I think you have to stick with that. I would campaign to get your younger one in to this school, I can imagine how painful it is having them in different schools, speak to the local authority and your local councillors etc to explains the specifics.

Morechocmorechoc · 12/07/2020 22:37

Yes you would be unreasonable. You told him you wouldn't. You asked, he said no. If the friend thing was an issue he would have said he wants to move. Leave him be

MaggieFS · 12/07/2020 22:40

I think YABU. Children are flexible and adaptable but I think you're asking such a huge amount. Have you considered the reason he might not have such a tight knit group of friends is because he's starting to put up barriers as a way of coping with all of the changes? I moved a fair bit (but not as much as he has already) when I was young and it was my coping mechanism. Never get too close and it doesn't hurt as much when you leave.

You asked and he's said no. Leave him be.

Sally872 · 12/07/2020 22:41

Wouldn't move him again unless unavoidable.

bibbitybootwo · 12/07/2020 22:43

Leave him where he is, Sounds so stressful for him. I know you would be making your life easier by moving him but what about making his life easier by keeping him where he is and keeping your promises. Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear but I really wouldn't do it.

Pfb12345 · 12/07/2020 22:44

I'd move him after a conversation with him about why. You are the parent so you get to decide. It would clearly make life easier for you and that will impact on how plesant their lives are too if you aren't stressed rushing between. He will make new friends again and after only one year in the last place if he doesn't have close friends then that matters less too. Hes 8. He will likely be absolutely fine if you support him to be. Also making a big deal out of moving probably just blows it out of proportion.. does it have to be a big deal? Lots of children move schools multiple times and some have good and some have bad experiences... you won't know until you try but I would say for 3 years of less stress of seperate schools to go for it.

Starlightstarbright1 · 12/07/2020 22:46

No I would listen to your child..

Moving is stressful.

Nix32 · 12/07/2020 22:48

Statistics show that moving schools puts a child back 6 months in terms of school achievement/progress. I would avoid it if at all possible.

toots111 · 12/07/2020 22:50

I wouldn't. I moved my daughter in year 2 because we were in a blackhole and were given a school not even on our list. The school she moved to was our 3rd choice and i don't love it. A place came up at our 1st choice school this year but i decided not to take it because it has taken her so long to get settled. By year 4, all the kids that have been there since reception will have established friendships and it will be even harder for your son to find a group of friends. And this becomes more important as they get older, because the kids go into smaller friendship groups etc.

strawberrypip · 12/07/2020 22:50

I moved school once in primary and found it tough - couldnt imagine being the new kid three or four times just in primary school. sorry OP I think it would be wrong to move him again

JamesNesbittsBrows · 12/07/2020 22:51

Poor lad. That's a very difficult ask. However so is going to a less good school than a sibling.
Why can't ds2 go to ds1's current school?

titchy · 12/07/2020 22:59

Move your youngest by the older ones school. When the older one leaves, maybe consider moving the younger to a school you'd prefer. But please, 4 schools by the age of 8. The most robust of kids would struggle with that.

xmummy2princesx · 12/07/2020 23:01

I think keep him at his school

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/07/2020 23:01

I don’t think you can realise just how disruptive moving schools is for a child who is settled where they are or you wouldn’t even be thinking about this. It normally negatively impacts academic and social development and makes kids really unhappy. Unless there is a compelling reason to his benefit, moving him a third time in the situation you’ve described would be pretty cruel.