To change my son's primary school for the 3rd time?

[Kateguide]

Hello everyone, I would really like your opinions on this. I will try to make this brief. My DS1 is 8 yrs old. He started his 1st primary school, loved it, he stayed there for his reception and year 1. He made a tight group of friends there.

We moved house 2 hours away for work reasons. We live in a borough where catchment area usurps siblings. Our area has 3 amazing primary schools but unfortunately when we moved, his year group in all 3 schools were full, so we applied to go on the waiting lists for all of them. We were allocated a school which has very poor results, he had a good Yr 2 there but we were never going to let him stay, we even looked at private options.

DS2 started at our catchment school in September 2019 in reception.

After trying and failing via the appeals process to get DS1 into our catchment school for yr3, we were offered a place in another local school about 1.5 miles away from DS2's school. We told our son this would be his last move before senior school so he said yes. He has been at this school since October 2019. He seems fairly happy but doesn't have a tight knit group of friends like he had in his 1st school.

Logistically it's a bit of a nightmare. We can't walk either of them to school. Different inset days, different holidays, different communication methods........

I know there is a place coming up in Yr 4 in September in our catchment school (where DS2 is) . Would it be wrong for me to make him change school again? Both schools are excellent - in fact I have DS2, on the waiting list for DS1 school, however, there is very little prospect of him getting a place as we are out of catchment and very little movement. I have mentioned it to DS1 and he said he likes where he is. My life would be so much easier if they were at the same school

So AIBU?

[lilgreen]

Forget results and league tables at primary schools. Is your son happy and is he learning? Secondary school is where those other things become important.

[lilgreen]

I moved once at 8 and it took years to feel like I had settled. Don’t do it.

[NoIDontWatchLoveIsland]

The first move you had no choice about, the second I would not have done and you are now in a position where the third move is rather unfair on your son.

Hes only got 3 years left, can you not just leave him be? By year 5 can he ride or scoot to school with a friend & parent etc to make school run easier?

[MistakesOwned]

As a child I hated having to move schools because of my father’s job. I‘ve lost count of the number of different primary schools I attended - I do remember that in Year 6 I was in a different school for each of the three terms.
Surprisingly my education wasn’t affected too badly but my ability to make and keep great friends has definitely suffered.
It gave me so much satisfaction to see my own DC go through school with the same group from Reception to 6th form.

[Herbie0987]

Keep him where he is, he is settled and happy, some children do not cope well with the constant moving.

[Sceptre86]

My inlaws moved house from a thriving city to a small village when bil was due to start his last year of primary. He is 43 years old and still remembers how unhappy he was and how hard he found it to make friends. I would not choose to move a child at that late a stage of primary as unless they are very outgoing or know lots of kids from outside groups they will struggle to break into established friendship groups. Listen to your son and leave him where he is.

[2kool4skool]

YABU not to have checked schools first and foremost before you even considered moving first time round.

[Milssofadoesntreallyfit]

My two were at different primary schools DS school was 1.5 mile away and DD school 2 mile away. I did this for the entire time both were in primary despite DD being top of the list but never getting in.

Pain, yes, but both settles and happy. There were differences in the schools but thats all they were differences. I wouldnt have moved them because whist it was a pain I did manage so I lapped it up for them. Like other posters have mentioned, if they are settled and happy and doing ok dont rock the boat just to make your life a bit easier.

I used to hear how other mums hated school drop off as it was busy and hectic, they only had one school to go to, I had two and did it for that long so it did make me feel like I was doing ok to manage and not complain to much.
When I did join in these conversations they stopped whinging quite quickly when they realised how easy they had it in comparison and yet I just got on with it!!!

[Aroundtheworldin80moves]

My DDs are on their third school. They will go to one more. ( They did preschool & reception/Yr1 at school A in one country, Reception/Yr1 & Yr2/Yr3 at School B in the second country, and are now at school C in the UK in Yr2&Yr4). This final move will be when when we move into our own home in the next year or so, so that we are in place for Secondary applications for DD1.

DD2 is fine. DD1 has got rather anxious and struggled to settle after the last move, which has influenced our settling down stance. The last few months haven't helped... She basically only had one term in school in Yr4 as she was schoolless until late October.

If you don't have to move him, don't. I don't think it's worth the unsettling unless you are moving long distance yourself.

[onlywomennotmen]

Having just moved our children (forced by move) to two different primaries, I would say listen to your son and don't move him. It is incredibly hard for them and if we have another Covid or other lockdown situation, his disorientation would be far, far too much.

I know someone who kept moving her DS for similar reasons (4th primary now). I think she showed terrible judgment (and ultimately it was all about her and not about her son....)

[MrsCollinssettled]

Please, please, please don't do this to your dc. I had a number of schools due to house moves and I vowed never to do this to my dc.

Your dc will find themselves a novelty when they first arrive but that wears off quite quickly and children return to their existing friendship groups leaving the newcomer to their own devices or joining with the kids no one else will be friends with.

It has left me with lifelong issues with not investing in friendships as I spent my childhood trying to make friends only to lose them on moving. I have always felt like an outsider due to the lack of shared history with people. I am happiest on my own as I learnt from an early age that I had to be happy on my own due to not being able to rely on having friends.

[Schooloooo]

I accidentally marked “yanb”, but I think you are, sorry. I can see how much more convenient it would be, but that is far too many primary school moves and will not be good for him.

[Charleyhorses]

That's just daft. Leave him be. Let him make some proper friends before secondary school

[Kateguide]

Hi everyone, I have agreed with you. I guess, I was just temporarily blinded by the prospect of getting them both into the same school and sent giddy!

I have no regrets at all about moving him from school no. 2 to his present school. First of all the school we were allocated wasn't even in the same area, we wanted him to make friends locally, there were 6 schools closer than that one. As well as the things I have already explained, there was a knife incident and on a separate occasion parents started fighting and a police officer had to be placed on the gates for a number of weeks. Fortunately, we were able to shield our child from this, saying sometimes police officers like to say hello to children...

A previous post asked whether we would definitely get the place. You are quite right, until the child actually moves and there is a space available, which would be September, we wouldn't know. We live in a small village, DS2 school catchment is so small. People know our predicament so keep us informed. I am 95% sure we would be offered the place

[Frazzled2207]

Unless your son wants to move you need to leave him where he is.

[DuineArBith]

This is difficult to understand, is there something missing op? You write like you have been offered a place and it’s yours for the taking, but at the same time write like you’ve no chance, ie not top of the waiting list, no communication from school etc.

OP knows DS1 would be top of the list for DS2's school because they are in catchment. DS2 is 4th on the list for DS1's school, and unlikely to move up because they are not in catchment and others who move in nearer will always have priority. It's perfectly consistent.

[Iloveyoutothefridgeandback]

It's not the end of the world but I would try and avoid another move.

He's only got 2 years left and then he will be in secondary anyway and the convenice of having them in the same school would end. I'd just stick it out.

[GhostPenguin]

My son is 9 and he's had to move schools twice. The first time was going into year 3 and he coped OK with that move. The second time was going into year 4 when we moved up north and he has struggled a bit this time, even though the school is small and very nice.

I think it's harder when they're a bit older and there's no guarantee your DS will settle as easily as last time, especially if he doesn't want to move. The irritating travel arrangements for a couple of years are worth it if he's happy.

[Standrewsschool]

I would keep him where he is. He has only been there since October, and it can take a while to develop a new group of friends. Effectively, with lockdown, he’s only been there less than six months.

He says he likes it where he is, so he’s not unhappy. Also, there’s no guarantee he’ll make friends at school no. 3.

Have you spoken to his Teacher? Does he mix in with the other kids? Maybe they can point out one or two classmates he seems to socialise more with, and then you can be pro-active and invite them around for play dates etc. (Subject to lockdown etc).

[Lougle]

DD3 has moved school 3 times in her primary years. She did year R and one week of year 1 at school A - a biggish primary school (400 children). She moved to school B in year 1 because her sister had been home educated for a term and was trying to go back to school at School B. DD3 was given the choice and chose to move with her. She did years 1, 2, 3 and 2 terms of year 4 in School B - a very small school with 2 year groups per class. In year 4, after her sister had left, she asked to move school again to a bigger school, so that she could make more friends. There were only 9 girls in her class.

It's worked out ok for DD3. She's resilient, she's sociable and she's not particularly 'needy' in terms of friendships. She doesn't feel like she has to be someone's 'best friend' - she's happy to have several good friends, but can mix with most children. However, in year 4 most of the children had been together 4 years already and friendships were firmly established. DD3's arrival ruffled many feathers, I was told, as children wanted to be her friend and that unsettled other children who had got used to being X's 'best friend'. It settled quickly, though.

I wouldn't change him, because he's told you he doesn't want to move. I wouldn't have moved DD3 if she hadn't asked. But she was very clear that she wanted the school move, and even asked the headteacher if she could move 'tomorrow' when he was showing her around. He said 'I don't think we can do tomorrow...' so she said 'Well, Monday then?' - it was very clearly driven by her.

[Techway]

Don't do it. Primary school should be the most relaxed time in education. He is missing out on joint class memories and past school trips that will always make him feel like the outsider.

Suck up the logistics for a few years and just have a firm plan for secondary for both

[FrenchFancie]

I had six primary schools growing up, forces child so unavoidable BUT I hated it, hated being the new girl and have never found making friends easy. Even now aged 40 it’s a struggle for me to meet new people and maintain friendships, I sometimes think I missed out on how to maintain friends as I never had the same group for more than a year or so.

Please don’t move your son if he’s happy, primary school rankings etc are all a bit artificial to be honest and if he’s doing well leave him be.

[Justdontatme]

Hmm, sobering reading. We just moved house and we are considering moving Y3 DD’s school.

She did Reception in one school.
Home Ed for Y1 and most of Y2.
Started another school for end of Y2 and for Y3. School is fine but if she moves to the village school where we now live then we can walk to school.

Just applied for DS to have a Reception place at the village school, he already has a place at the school DD is at

[zingally]

Give the poor boy a break.

You're making this all about you.

Perhaps he hasn't made friends as easily because he never feels like he really gets to settle anywhere.

You've got 3 years of very mild inconvenience left. Honestly, get over it.

[Ellie56]

Justdontatme If your DD is happy and doing well I'd leave her where she is.