To change my son's primary school for the 3rd time?

[Kateguide]

Hello everyone, I would really like your opinions on this. I will try to make this brief. My DS1 is 8 yrs old. He started his 1st primary school, loved it, he stayed there for his reception and year 1. He made a tight group of friends there.

We moved house 2 hours away for work reasons. We live in a borough where catchment area usurps siblings. Our area has 3 amazing primary schools but unfortunately when we moved, his year group in all 3 schools were full, so we applied to go on the waiting lists for all of them. We were allocated a school which has very poor results, he had a good Yr 2 there but we were never going to let him stay, we even looked at private options.

DS2 started at our catchment school in September 2019 in reception.

After trying and failing via the appeals process to get DS1 into our catchment school for yr3, we were offered a place in another local school about 1.5 miles away from DS2's school. We told our son this would be his last move before senior school so he said yes. He has been at this school since October 2019. He seems fairly happy but doesn't have a tight knit group of friends like he had in his 1st school.

Logistically it's a bit of a nightmare. We can't walk either of them to school. Different inset days, different holidays, different communication methods........

I know there is a place coming up in Yr 4 in September in our catchment school (where DS2 is) . Would it be wrong for me to make him change school again? Both schools are excellent - in fact I have DS2, on the waiting list for DS1 school, however, there is very little prospect of him getting a place as we are out of catchment and very little movement. I have mentioned it to DS1 and he said he likes where he is. My life would be so much easier if they were at the same school

So AIBU?

[VenusInfers]

@Kateguide

Only you know your son, but I was in your position 18 months ago and sincerely wish we had left him where he was.
He was in Primary School A until to Easter of Year 2, when we moved cities to somewhere with an Infant/Junior school system.
He was in Infant School B until the end of Year 2.
He was in Primary School C (3 miles/45 mins away) until the middle of Year 4.

When a place in Primary School D (15 mins walk) in the middle of Year 4 I thought it best to move him. It would be closer, he could be friends with people who lived nearby, it would be WAY easier for me to get to work on time etc etc. He has REALLY struggled with the transition. He'd just settled in School C and felt at home there.

School D is SO much better on paper, but I now have a much more withdrawn and unhappy DS.

[GachaBread]

I went to 5 different primary schools to make my parents lives easier due to work and personal reasons. I still to this day resent them for that. It is cruel and unfair to any child.
I was always promised it would not happen again but my parents really didn't care for mine or my siblings feelings or mental health. Forming friendships was tough, getting used to each schools rules and ways was confusing and my education suffered. My own children will never EVER go through that.

[campion]

Really don't do it. We still regret moving DS2 just once at 7. Friendship groups had been formed then so moving into Yr 4 would make that even trickier.
Having children in different schools is tricky at times but you just have to suck it up.

[babaindigosheep]

No. Our DC have been at 3 schools in 3 years. 1st local state, disaster, 2nd local private great, then we had to relocate, 3rd local private, really not great (esp when you are paying). We have considered moving them and decided that it would just be too disruptive. They are getting an OK education, and there are no guarantees that school 4 would work, so what would we do then...move again?

[AlexaShutUp]

No, OP. It isn't fair to move him again for your convenience. You'll just have to suck it up until he is old enough to get to school by himself.

[GabsAlot]

id echo what gachabread said-i moved 4 times and got anxiety and it never went

i resent them too

[Quartz2208]

Its difficult because it sounds like this school actually is his least favourite but he has had enough of moving!

[BrummyMum1]

It might seem easier to move him but you’re solving one problem by creating another. I’d choose a difficult school run over an unhappy resentful child.

[C5568425]

I moved primary school five times and secondary to times, then college in another country.
Don't know why we moved house so much but it really didn't bother me.
I learned to easily make friends and meet new people without feeling shy.
I think people who have gone to the same schools with the same people, that's all they know, I have enjoyed making new friends and now have friends all over the world.

[Foxinsocks1]

He hasn’t got the close group of friends yet as he joined when the class probably already had lots of close groups. It’ll take him longer but he’ll get there. Move him again and you’ll most likely set him back a year. 4 primary schools is too many. And I agree, it probably wasn’t the best move to move him due to results and league tables if he was happy.

[mrsmalcolmreynolds]

The communication differences and distance between different schools is what everyone in our village with more than one child has to deal with as we have split infant and primary and they are two miles apart.

Unless there is some really critical reason to move him I'd say don't. I went to 4 different primary schools due to parents' work moving around and it was not easy. There wasn't really any way of avoiding it, but it was tough.

[category12]

Of course you're being massively unreasonable - you promised the poor kid he wouldn't have to move schools again, and now because the logistics of the move that you decided on are inconvenient for you (which you should have been able to predict) - you want to break your word and put him through yet another move. You should have thought it through better in the first place and you shouldn't let him down by proving yourself a liar.

[netflixismysidehustle]

In my 14 years of education, the longest I attended a school was 2 years. I vowed never to do this with my kids. They attended 2 primaries each but attended the same secondary for 7 years. I think it's affected my ability to make friends because I see people and houses as temporary. I can't imagine living in the place you were born but seem to be surrounded by people who have done that.

I would struggle on with 3 more years at the current school. You asked your son what he wanted and going against that is a massive fuck you imo.

[Sparklebelle1024]

Never ever ever break a promise to a child, I’ve personally got a huge thing about kids trusting you as their parent when you promise something to them and don’t deliver or keep the promise they lose trust in you, and then they remember you can’t be trusted. I think it’s because my ex absolutely broke my sons heart with false promises so I only ever promise something to either of my kids I can achieve. That’s a very long winded way to say no, leave child where he is and suck up the inconvenience to let your child settle properly, it’s not for that much longer really.

[Happymum12345]

A primary teacher here-it can take a very long time for children to settle, sometimes up to a year. Try to keep him where he is happy & settled.

[haveyoutriedgoogle]

It would make your life so much easier?
Well, tough. How about putting your son first after the very disrupted start to education you’ve afforded him?

[Zhampagne]

YABU. Sorry.

Are you sure that the term dates are so distinct? Unless the schools are in two different boroughs they are unlikely to be dramatically different. Academies can set their own term dates but they tend to follow the LA dates in my experience.

[MrJollyLivesNextDoor]

DS1 says he likes it where he is

There's your answer

[Budbudbud]

Please dont move him again poor kid

[womaninatightspot]

Bucking the trend but tbh I'd bribe him. I dare say when you moved him previously you didn't think a space would come up at DS2s school?

There's a lot to be said for having siblings at the same school in terms of playdates, after school activities, playing in the park after school which is also important for emotional development.

Have the conversation. I routinely ask my 9 and 7 yo if faced with something that I think they should do that they don't want to. I ask "What will it take for you to be happy about doing this?" Vaccinations, sports camps ( which they were keen on when I booked them). Is there a sport he'd like to try; find lessons near to the new school. Reinforce so glad you moved it means we can all do x together, etc.

Easy for posters to say keep him at his school but I don't know anyone who maintains two seperate school runs for primary dc if they have a choice,

[Bringonspring]

Brutal OP, but I think you know you have made a bit of a mess of this

[SoulofanAggron]

I wouldn't do it. I changed schools at 8 and it was very difficult. I thought it'd be a positive change, but it wasn't.

[Dixiechickonhols]

Poor DC1. So he gets 4 primary schools and DC2 gets 1. A promise is a promise. I'd try and move DC 2 first do you know where on list he is. Forces children and children in care have same sort of disruption to their education but it's flagged as an issue attracts pupil premium funding I think.

[Beautiful3]

You shouldn't have moved him again. I would have waited for a space to come up at your other sons school, then put them together. What you've done is awful.

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

It isn’t even just about the detrimental effect this would inevitably have on his education and friendships.
When you offer reassurance to your son in the future or make him promises, would you like him to trust you?
Or would you like him to pretend to believe in you while his internal voice says “she doesn’t keep her word about important things”.
When your son makes a promise to you and then breaks it (which he will because all teenagers do), do you want to have some moral authority when you discuss the importance of truth and commitments, or are you fine with him rolling his eyes and reminding you that you also break your word?
It’s not just unreasonable. It’s unkind, selfish and sets a really crap example.