To change my son's primary school for the 3rd time?

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Hello everyone, I would really like your opinions on this. I will try to make this brief. My DS1 is 8 yrs old. He started his 1st primary school, loved it, he stayed there for his reception and year 1. He made a tight group of friends there.

We moved house 2 hours away for work reasons. We live in a borough where catchment area usurps siblings. Our area has 3 amazing primary schools but unfortunately when we moved, his year group in all 3 schools were full, so we applied to go on the waiting lists for all of them. We were allocated a school which has very poor results, he had a good Yr 2 there but we were never going to let him stay, we even looked at private options.

DS2 started at our catchment school in September 2019 in reception.

After trying and failing via the appeals process to get DS1 into our catchment school for yr3, we were offered a place in another local school about 1.5 miles away from DS2's school. We told our son this would be his last move before senior school so he said yes. He has been at this school since October 2019. He seems fairly happy but doesn't have a tight knit group of friends like he had in his 1st school.

Logistically it's a bit of a nightmare. We can't walk either of them to school. Different inset days, different holidays, different communication methods........

I know there is a place coming up in Yr 4 in September in our catchment school (where DS2 is) . Would it be wrong for me to make him change school again? Both schools are excellent - in fact I have DS2, on the waiting list for DS1 school, however, there is very little prospect of him getting a place as we are out of catchment and very little movement. I have mentioned it to DS1 and he said he likes where he is. My life would be so much easier if they were at the same school

So AIBU?

My mum moved my primary school a lot when I was a kid. It was awful and really fucked me up. I cant maintain friendships long term, I'm good at the initial meeting and building but dont have a clue what to do after. Everytime he moves he'll have less of a friendship group, everyone else is building solid relationships and hes the new kid, again.

Completely unfair I'm afraid. Your little boy sounds like an absolute trouper for dealing wit all the school changes so well, you should be very proud of him.
Just because the school he's at now doesn't have the best grades means nothing if he is doing well as an individual. If he's happy there you must leave him where he is.
He will always remember that you changed his schools multiple times and uprooted him over and over again and will question your motives. You make out your doing for him with the best intentions but he's fine where he is

If he’s happy enough to move I’d prefer to have them at the same school as your life be better for all of you.

As well as disruption of moving schools again, you promised him the last move would be the last. If you break that promise, how will he trust you on big decisions going forward?

Would he be happier to be with his brother? My 2 were happiest when they were at the same school?
I think with hindsight I would have left him at the first school until you had the ideal move but hindsight is 20/20.

We've done one move with our primary-aged DC, and unless it was completely unavoidable there's just no way I'd do it again, let alone 3 times!

Despite the fact that the change was due to a house move, the kids have made great friends AND it's a better school, I still sometimes question if it was the right thing. It's been hard, even though all has gone well.

I don't entirely understand why you were 'never' going to keep him at school 2, tbh. I know you say the results are terrible, but (at primary especially) this is insignificant compared to personal wellbeing. I would def leave him where he is now - he'll have another change (to secondary) coming up before you know it!

You've asked him and he said no so that's decision made, otherwise why ask him at all?

@Broadbeanflatbean

Please read through my previous posts. The reasons I didn't keep DS1 at school 2 are the following
It is not in the same area, there are 6 schools that are closer.
We wanted him to make local friends.
The results in Yr 6 are absolutely dreadful on whatever metric you look at - actual results and progress.
Poor discipline higher up the school particularly in Yr 6.
There was a knife incident.
There was a fight between parents at the school gate. A police officer had to be stationed at the school gate for a few weeks in case it kicked off again.
I forgot this earlier, one of the older kids ran out into the road. I told him to stop, a car had to swerve to avoid him. He told me to 'F* off. My dad is going to kick your head in!'

Would you like your child in that environment?

I wouldn't move him either although I can understand why you want to.
I think all schools have different rules about children walking home alone. In my daughter's primary school you could walk alone if you had a note from your parents in Y4. In Y5 and Y6 you could walk home alone without the note.
If your son is sensible and it's not too far you can always ask the school what their policy is.

I find it odd you’re focusing on results for the school - but not acknowledging the disruption to the child by moving them from school to school 3 times will likely have a far greater impact on them long term than what primary school they attend. It feels like your priorities are out of whack - you assume if you sent your child to a school with better metrics he will automatically do better - but the fact you’ve disrupted his education & social groups multiple times would suggest you don’t care about his emotional well being, providing he has good grades?

Guys please RTFT!!!

I asked for your opinions. I have agreed with you! I was just very giddy at the prospect of having them both at the same school!

The schools that both DS1 and DS2 attend now are excellent, genuinely great schools.

School no. 2 where DS1 attended for a year, was poor - please read my previous posts, their poor results were the least of the problems at that school.

Honestly, mumsnet please can you introduce some tech so that people can only post if they've actually read the OP's previous posts!

It's for three years(?) so seems reasonable. Wouldn't do it for one though.

My son started school1 when he was 7yrs old (we moved to UK then). First year was perfect. Second year (yr3) was terrible, new head, new teacher, both rubbish.
Moved and changed to school2. Great yr4, but head and teacher change so yr5 was really bad, to the point of me keeping him home for sanity sake sometimes.
So moved to school3 for yr6. Best teacher ever, okay kids.
Then he got into a private school where he is supposed to stay until 18.

1. I don not regret any of the changes, I still feel they were necessary
2. It does have issues that you do have to consider and mitigate.
3. it builds resilience, but also makes it harder for certain types of kids to make friends.
4. it did take him 2 years to actually start having a group of friends, but he was never the "prom king" type anyway.

What we considered:

1. is he emotionally stabil/strong enough? (I know kids who I would never put through this as they would be scarred for life)
2. in the very long run will he benefit from a proper education more than suffer from the change of scenery?
3. Are we able to support him and give him the extra stability he will need?

These are all very subjective points and you know your kid. We thought that in the long run our kid will benefit more from having solid knowledge and skills better than having a close group of friends from primary.
In secondary though we have put more value on social circle than before. (Hence not moving to another country in January as per plan)

Honestly, mumsnet please can you introduce some tech so that people can only post if they've actually read the OP's previous posts

How would this work? A test before you can post? A sworn statement? A witness statement?

Just curious...

Maybe that you have to press the link to see OP's previous posts before you can write anything.

I am really valuing all the advice /experience but when people are still asking why I didn't keep him at school no. 2, it just gets a bit dull having to repeat it

I think some people, maybe not all, did read it. But still think it was bad idea to have moved him?

Easiest thing you could have done when you started the thread was, to include every important/significant info in the OP. Then people who only read the OP but not all your post would respond according to your info.

OK, so you know you can't move him (right decision, we did one school move due to house move and even though it's not perfect logistically for us as parents I couldn't move them again).

So what can you do to make the logistics easier?

@xolotltezcatlopoca

Fair point. I just didn't want my post to be the length of a novel!

People have read the thread.

I just don't think you should have moved him after just nine months - that's no time at all. You basically kept him at the school long enough for him to settle, and then moved him. And now you want to do the same again.

Honestly, at primary, league table results really don't matter all that much. Unfortunately your choices have led to a lot of upheaval for your son - the least you can do now is keep him where he is!

I can understand your thoughts behind it entirely, but I moved to 3 different primary schools and still struggle as an adult to make friends properly and I do believe it was down to moving schools so much (but also went to 3 senior schools too so could be just as much that!)

@NoSquirrels

Very good question, I am completely open to ideas.

Not sure there is a lot we can do. We live right in the middle of both schools. Both DH & I work full time. Drop DS1 at 8:40 then drive to the other end of the village to drop off DS2. After school activities on certain days help on the reverse juggle at pick up.

One of the advantages of covid is that I have loved walking DS2 to and from school

@vanillandhoney

Read the thread. I haven't moved him

My parents doing this still affects me and I'm almost 40 so I'm a no.

[quote Kateguide]@vanillandhoney

Read the thread. I haven't moved him[/quote]
Apologies, my post was unclear.

I meant that you should never have moved him at the end of Y2. You said you didn't like the school but your DS had settled and was happy, you then uprooted him for your own reasons (not because he was unhappy) and now want to do so again. It's too much.

Either move your younger son, or accept that you need to do two school runs for a year or two. By year 5 he should be old enough to get himself there and back.

I really don't think you should for you DS's sake. I went to 4 primary schools and 3 secondary schools and feel a resentment towards my parents for their selfishness. I had lots of school friends, but no one that I was best friends with and the relationships weren't strong enough to withstand relocations/uni etc.

I didn't invite any of my school friends to my wedding whereas many of my good friends now had lots of school friends at theirs.

I don't mean to be harsh, but if you move your DS now after having promised him not to, your word will mean nothing to him. Let him settle where he is and make sure that you get the secondary school application right instead.

Good luck