to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

Everyone’s circumstances are different but I’d want to make damn sure it was a solid relationship and I wouldn’t merge households, at all, ever. I’m too wary of the fall out if it goes wrong.

But that’s my life and my choices. Seems most people recommend dating for over 6 months before introductions, another 6-12 months of getting a bond before moving in.

We have all probably known families where there is a constant stream of new partners for both mums and dads, that has to be confusing and unstable for the children.

I’m not saying this is the case here and I think the personal insults hurled at the op are uncalled for. I do think that the blinkers have been on and she has ended up in this situation without a great deal of thought about the relationship between DP and DS. There has been an assumption probably that it will be fine, life often is a fair bit more complicated though.

How is it affecting the DS?

Someone said this to OP:

So your ds is acting how a average 9yr does, and your partner doesn't like it...and you are worried that you son will find out that your dp doesn't like him? Don't worry, your son already knows.

And OP's response was:

I know that

So knowing your mum is with someone who doesn't like them is how it is affecting him. Already.

Rugrats and Barbie that should say lol

My post above was in response in Gimme asking how long should you wait before introducing a new partner.

@GimmeAy

The occasion never cropped up, but I might have. I would realise that I would be the usurper though, so tread carefully.

As the DP seems to be doing - he just doesn't feel confident enough parenting.

That'll be because he's not his parent. He doesn't need to be his parent. He does, however, need to like him in order for there to by a healthy dynamic. Which he doesn't. Which DS has realised according to OP. Who is worried enough to have started a thread saying her boyfriend doesn't like her son.

Not sure why you're feeling so aggressively defensive about what is clearly an unhealthy situation for a little boy who a year ago was in an unstable situation, his mum quite rightly prioritised him by leaving and now he's living in a house with a man he's known for less than a year who doesn't like him.

I don't get why you don't feel sad for the little boy in this situation, he's been through enough and now he's in another difficult and unhealthy dynamic. He's nine years old. He should feel comfortable, safe and loved at home. Not a nuisance whose mums boyfriend doesn't like him.

Singinginshower Op has said her Dp doesn't enjoy spending time with Ds and finds him ' irritating also
'So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son.'
How do you think her 9 yr old Ds will interpret Dps attitude towards him? Op has already said she knows her boy is probably aware of how he feels. It is what it is but let's not pretend a 9yr old boy living with someone that doesn't really like him isn't going to be damaging in some way.

Not everyone likes children. I don't and I'm a parent. They mess things up, they want to play all the time and they are boring as shit.
This guy is 30 and I sense the OP is quite a force to be reckoned with (hence her posting).

My take on it is that she needs to lax rules and let them get to know each other.
MN take on it is that she's a shit Mum and doesn't care about her son when every post is her trying to ensure her son is happy.

And never the twain shall meet!

Nowhere has the OP said that her DP doesn't like her son.

I can guarantee you ex-cunt didn't like listening to the squealing from dd's fiddle but he endured it. Better than I could (apparently I made faces when she hit a bum note). That doesn't mean that I didn't love her - it just means that I couldn't bear listening to the screeching from the fucking fiddle.

What rules? He’s on YouTube or Minecraft all day!

Yeah I can’t deal with people calling me a disgrace. I have been through so much over the last 8 years, I have struggled through so much shit and I thought I was doing okay but it apparently only takes a few comments from anonymous women to literally tear me right back down.

I posted because I was worried about DS.

I said I know because I do know that it will affect him. DP and I had talked about it and i thought it was fair that we could work on on it together. DP has admitted how he’s feeling and made suggestions as to what he is going to do. But that’s apparently not good enough?

I’ve been doing this all on my own for so long and yes I did think I had found someone who was my equal, and he did care for DS (and he does). Stop fucking lecturing me because you think I’m a bad person. I’m not, I love my son and I’m sorry that you don’t think I’m a good enough parent. I’m trying to do the right thing. I’ve already said we aren’t going to move in to his house that it was the plan but I’ve decided not to do it. Just leave me the fuck alone if you think it’s okay to belittle me

I can now report that said dd is a medal winner at fiddle. No thanks to me.

GimmeAy are you reading the same posts as everyone else? You seem to have added your own narrative whilst ignoring what Op has actually written.

@Zofloramummy

What rules? He’s on YouTube or Minecraft all day!

He’s at school. He has an hour of YouTube or Xbox after school. And then an hour of TV before teatime. He has no TV after dinner and reads or plays with Lego or colours in then we take the dog for an evening walk. He has a bath or a shower and I read to him or play game with him and then he goes to sleep.

Mum and son are more likely to both be happy if relationships move at a sensible speed so that things like finding ways to enjoy time together can be worked on gradually before all living under the same roof.

Mum and son being happy aren't mutually exclusive at all. I know loads of people who have great relationships with their step parents / step children.

All of them prioritised the safety and security of the kids involved and didn't move in so quickly that there wasn't time to do the groundwork for a healthy relationship.

Finding your own kids 'boring as shit' is one thing. They are your children and so you will generally find a way to live together and make it work:

Moving under the same roof as someone else's kids, then finding them irritating, not enjoying spending any time with them and expecting them to find common ground with you is different because it's a choice. As is staying with someone who has done that.

Everyone has different opinions on these things. I feel really sad for the little boy involved. You can feel sad for him without damning his mum or the boyfriend, you just seem hellbent on not considering her sons feelings and instead lambasting posters for feeling sorry for him.

Each to their own.

Poor kid. I don't think you should put your desire for a new relationship above your son's welfare but that ship has sailed. Your DP needs to accept DS as he is, you can't try and mould DS to fit a version that DP would prefer. My ex moved his new partner in 2 months after moving out of my house and it's been a disaster for my kids, they know that they aren't his priority.

My 20 yr old shouts at his game- it’s bloody annoying!

My advice (for what it’s worth) would be to get him off his games/YouTube and get him out doing stuff with you both. You can download Treasure Trails from the internet- they’re brilliant for teamwork and are available in most areas. You’ll learn a lot about where you live too. Get on with the bike riding too.

Good luck.

Honestly OP, please don't take the hammering. It's shit.

I got shit yesterday for telling a shopkeeper that he shouldn't be working while he was coughing - MN removed the thread.

Sometimes you'll get a lynching on MN for nothing.

The latter half of your thread has been more helpful, less DITCH YOUR BOYFRIEND YOU WITCH.

As is my dd, it’s shit for kids in lockdown, DP is working long hours, it’s not just about letting them kickback and bond. Your projecting your own experience with your ex and not looking at what the OP has actually posted. Her DP is depressed and they all sound stressed.

Again my advice would be get DP to move back to his cottage for a bit and get his head straight and then do lots of bonding activities and fun stuff. See how that goes and try again in the future when they have a better bond and hopefully life is more normal.

I can only echo everyone else. All the things you described as irritating are the very essence of being a 9 yr old boy. It’s a shame your partner can’t be arsed with him but that’s what’s happens when you move a bloke in after five minutes without allowing sufficient time for a genuine relationship to develop between them or not. That’s why taking your time and taking it slowly is so important when you’ve got children to prioritise. There’s no guarantee they’ll gel with each other at all so perhaps cohabiting is off the table. You don’t just move them in and hope for the best! You get a choice, your son doesn’t.

Get him out of your house until such a time as it’s a better fit for both of them. Do not make your son live with someone who doesn’t bloody like him.

I am very sorry for everything you have been through.

I also found it very difficult to read the negative opening description of your son. He sounds just like my son and I think he is quite normal for his age. I don’t dislike him talking to the TV or whatever he is playing with - that shows he is absorbed in his game. His sister says she does the same, just inside her own head.

I am a single parent having left an abusive marriage. I think you are very vulnerable in a way you do not entirely realise. Namely, that meeting someone it seems very attractive to have normality and be a normal family and I think this looks more attractive than the safer option of being on your own for a bit and putting yourself and your son first. There must still be a lot of emotional turmoil from your ex as well. It seems that you met this man quite quickly and lockdown has speeded matters up. This has landed you in a situation which is difficult to cope with, and on top of this, your partner had a stressful job which he does not seem to have adequate coping strategies for. None of this is your son’s fault, as you know.

I think you have an uphill struggle to make this work and I wonder what the benefits are.

Really well put @KatySun and sorry you've been through an abusive marriage too

I think that there's a lot of projection going on here OP.

Women who had step dads move in. Women whose exes have girlfriends move in etc. It's not personal.

Every day I work with children who are fucked up because their parents couldn’t be bothered to parent properly or don’t have the skills.

Your opening paragraphs about your son are so negative. Don’t be that parent in denial, making excuses and accommodating the boyfriend rather than protecting the child.

I don’t think you’re a bad mum btw - I think you sound a lovely mum! I think you’ve been way too hasty moving this guy in, that’s all. He’s not ready for it.

Stop fucking lecturing me because you think I’m a bad person. I’m not, I love my son and I’m sorry that you don’t think I’m a good enough parent. I’m trying to do the right thing

You poor thing. You’ve had a tough time on here, mostly undeserved. It’s obvious to me at least that you love your son.

You do need to ditch the partner though. Definitely don’t move in with him.