to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

[AllyBamma]

Put your son first and stop trying to justify moving in with him too soon. I agree he’s not a bad guy and I’m sure he doesn’t hate your son but by your own admission your son knows your DP doesn’t like him. And yet you’re still together, under the same roof. How do you think that makes your son feel? He knows that he doesn’t come first with you. You’ve prioritised your relationship over your son. No wonder he wants to watch youtube or xbox all day.

I think you need to open your eyes and realise anyone you’re dating should be falling over themselves to get on with your kid, not be visibly annoyed by what is pretty normal behaviour for that age. I feel so sorry for your son.

[backseatcookers]

Of course I love my child and he is the most important thing to me. I protected him through my separation, divorce, from what his dad did to me.

He's been through all that in his nine years and now you are with a man who doesn't really like him, you say you "know" your son will realise he doesn't like him and you are planning to stay with that man.

FFS. Put your son first. You say you always have, so do it now too.

Read the title of your own thread back. You think your DP should "try" to like your child? Which clearly means you know he doesn't now.

How can you be with someone who doesn't like your nine year old son? You didn't just say he's finding it overwhelming, you very clearly said he doesn't like him. Don't backtrack now because people are challenging why on earth you're even considering being with someone who feels that way.

Your poor boy sounds lovely and now he's in another emotionally insecure dynamic after all you've both been through already. You have a choice about who you let into his life. He doesn't.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

[quote differentnameforthis]@theendoftheworldasweknowit I think some of the replies have been overly harsh, TBH. Building a relationship with a 9-year-old boy you didn't make is not easy.

He's lived with him for 7mths. He has already given up trying to "build" anything. Op sees this, yet is more inclined to do what her dp wants, than what her ds needs...[/quote]
Whatever.

That’s not the case but honestly I’m not even going to bother.

[backseatcookers]

Oh and the things you list as annoying and "mind numbing" are totally normal for a nine year old. Poor kid.

[GimmeAy]

My ex DP was a cunt, but he adored my dc and they him. He was better with them than I was to be honest as he didn't mind playing and such. I was more the disciplinarian. They'd try to pull the wool over my eyes too - gnats. Maybe let him be 'Disney Dad' for a bit. Let him buy treats and such. Let him play with ds on xbox - that sort of stuff. He might feel intrepid, if you're a forceful woman and tend to parent alone. I was like that - I was used to parenting alone, so used to being boss. DP didn't get considered really. They'd all end up in the dog house mostly lol as they'd be in cahoots.
Ah in fairness to ex-cunt, I couldn't fault him. He would even do fiddle practise with dd when she was learning where I couldn't bear listening to the squawks. Used to play tennis, football etc. One dd even confided in him about being bullied in school rather than me - because - I'd make a fuss apparently. Let him get involved maybe.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@backseatcookers

Of course I love my child and he is the most important thing to me. I protected him through my separation, divorce, from what his dad did to me.

He's been through all that in his nine years and now you are with a man who doesn't really like him, you say you "know" your son will realise he doesn't like him and you are planning to stay with that man.

FFS. Put your son first. You say you always have, so do it now too.

Read the title of your own thread back. You think your DP should "try" to like your child? Which clearly means you know he doesn't now.

How can you be with someone who doesn't like your nine year old son? You didn't just say he's finding it overwhelming, you very clearly said he doesn't like him. Don't backtrack now because people are challenging why on earth you're even considering being with someone who feels that way.

Your poor boy sounds lovely and now he's in another emotionally insecure dynamic after all you've both been through already. You have a choice about who you let into his life. He doesn't.

He has never said he didn’t like him, he does I phrased it the way because it was easier to sum it up like that

[backseatcookers]

He has never said he didn’t like him, he does I phrased it the way because it was easier to sum it up like that

So you're dismissing everything else I said and focusing on semantics?

Semantics aside, I stand by this:

Your poor boy sounds lovely and now he's in another emotionally insecure dynamic after all you've both been through already. You have a choice about who you let into his life. He doesn't.

Put your child first. I had missed the fact he's already lived with you and your child that long despite being together for only a year. Hardly a surprise it isn't working then is it? Too much, too soon, too focused on the adults involved.

[GimmeAy]

I learned years after the fact, that when I'd be out at meetings in the evening, one dd in particular had him wrapped around her little finger - she knew bedtime was bedtime - but she'd manage to wrangle an extra half hour of cartoons with DP and some toast with chocolate spread out of him before I came home. It was almost like them against me half the time!

[differentnameforthis]

@Yorkshiremummyof1 He's acknowledged that he hasn't tried hard enough

Of course he hasn't! He hasn't had to, because you moved him in quick smart and so he doesn't even need to try anymore.

I have no idea what working in healthcare is like either, but neither of you have an idea what it's like being a kid during a global pandemic, and when your son's world was shaken up enough as it is, you moved a man in who you, let alone your son barely knew.

I think you are right, they need an activity that I’m not involved in

No, you need to have an honest talk with ONLY your son, and follow what HE wants. Right now he is having to walk on eggshells around a man he doesn't even know that well, in his own home. Because this man "is struggling/doesn't have the energy" to be civil to him. You clearly acknowledge that your son knows this guy is intolerant of him. Put yourself in his shoes.

Please consider what message you are giving to your son.

Good luck getting him out.

[GimmeAy]

I'd give him a break too - he's 30 - and it's daunting coming in to a child's life. Let him show his good side, even if it means you conceding on some 'rules' and stuff so that they can bond.

[AllyBamma]

It doesn’t matter that your DP hasn’t said the words, the fact is you yourself acknowledge that your son knows he doesn’t like him. What on earth are you doing?

[Zeusthemoose]

You've been through alot, your son has been through it too. There's no doubt you love your son so just wind it back and slow it down with Dp. Explain your son needs to feel comfortable in his own home and needs time to adjust. Have suggestions how he can build a better relationship once he moves out. His reaction to your DS rightfully coming first will help you decide whether to continue the relationship.

[GimmeAy]

OP, nothing will satisfy everyone on here until you say - right that's it, I'm dumping DP.
Give your dp a chance. Lax the rules a little for DP. Let him get involved. He might think parenting is your domain so doesn't want to get involved.

[Woodlandwalks]

OP, to put it brutally, this post is deeply disturbing! There's nothing in here that in anyway indicates that you are actually thinking about what is best for your son, only what you want. Your partner doesn't like your son but you're still thinking about not only pursuing this relationship but to move your son to his house! What in God's name makes you think that is a good idea? You think a 9 year old is going to get less irritating over the coming years to someone who clearly doesn't like children period. It's also rather sad that you don't seem to like children either with the disdain you speak about your son with but I suppose he's stuck with you; don't force him to live with another person who doesn't like him. You need to work on your own relationship with your son because it's clearly not in great shape. And before you start listing all the reasons why I'm wrong just seriously think about what you're asking here! You want to knowingly force your son to live with a man who clearly has his own mental healthy issues at the moment and has openly told you that he doesn't like your child! And you're just okay with that?!?! If you want to have any kind of hope at being a good parent then stop being so selfish and put your child first!

[GimmeAy]

Btw - I don't like other peoples' children either. I love my own, but others are a different story.

A good movie that's on Netflix at the moment is About a Boy. I know it's donkey

[Zeusthemoose]

GimmeAy have you actually read Op posts? The issue hasn't got anything to do with Dp not being allowed to 'get involved'. He finds her child's normal behaviour annoying whilst being snappy, short tempered and difficult to live with. Of course it's a tricky situation but he's the adult. It's not about him.

[GimmeAy]

I know it's donkey's years old, but it's cool anyway.
Could you maybe have a movie evening where THE TWO OF THEM get to pick a movie to watch. Have DP bring him out to buy snacks or something and let the two of them watch shite on the TV together. Even if it means you have to sit there doing nothing but being bored shitless.
They will have something in common!

[theendoftheworldasweknowit]

@GimmeAy

I'd give him a break too - he's 30 - and it's daunting coming in to a child's life. Let him show his good side, even if it means you conceding on some 'rules' and stuff so that they can bond.

This. The OP said her DP was worried her DS would pick up on his feelings, not that her DS was actually miserable! It sounds like they've identified a problem at a stage where it could be fixable, and that they want to try to do something about it.

If her DP refused to acknowledge there was an issue and refused to try, then leaving him might be the answer. People on MN are overly dramatic most of the time sometimes.

[copperoliver]

He's a nine year old boy( I have 2)
They all talk about stuff we are not interested in, but it's interesting to them.
He wouldn't be interested in listening to you talk about shoes or handbags.
The thing is your partner is not used to 9 year old boys and doesn't seem that bothered to try to be interested, your son should not have to try to find things your partner is interested in and talk to him about them, it should be the other way around. Your son is a child your partner is not, though that seems debatable.
If your partner is not willing to learn to adapt to a nine year old he needs to leave. X

[SplunkPostGres]

I wonder how many people criticising are actually living the reality of single parenting.

I divorced my husband when my son was 2. He’s 7 now and I’ve had one relationship since that didn’t work out. We’ve been on our own for 2/3 years now. And completely on our own during lockdown. DS has contact with exH alternate weekends/holidays etc. but otherwise he’s with me all the time. It would be impossible to start any relationship with the guidelines stated here I.e any potential partner not to meet children for at least 6 months etc. Which is why at 37, I’m starting to think that my family life is over. I won’t be able to be in a relationship until DS has left home, by which time I’ll be nearly 50.

I understand why OP is trying to make this work. DP does not sound like a bad guy, he’s aware that thinks aren’t clicking with her son and he’s trying to fix it. The advice that she just boot him out, doesn’t seem to be appropriate given that she’d be completely sacrificing the relationship.

[IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0]

OP: You and your partner have been together for a year. You have a nine year old child. Your partner has no experience with children. And you wonder why things are not working out the way you would like. I feel for your son, he is the looser here.

[GimmeAy]

Yes, I have read the OPs posts.

[Zeusthemoose]

Honestly the thought of a 30yr old man actually thinking that an 8 year old child has to find things to talk about HE finds interesting.

[Atadaddicted]

Op
I really like you honesty and insight

I don’t think mumsnet is going to help you and actually - I don’t think you need mumsnet. You strike me as sufficiently astute and aware of the situation that mumsnet is just going to muddy the waters. Sometimes helpful but I don’t think in your case.

I suggest you step away. Your boy sounds like a very very normal 9 year old. My son is 9. He doesn’t sound lonely so perhaps focus more on encouraging his interaction with friends. As for DP, my only advice is to hold off moving in until you really do have that deep confidence that things have genuinely improved

[GimmeAy]

OP, sometimes MN likes to give people a kicking and it looks like you're today's target.
You know whether it's a major issue or not.
Your DP thinks your DS might think he doesn't like him.
You didn't say - my DS hates my DP.