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AIBU?

to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

358 replies

Yorkshiremummyof1 · 12/07/2020 03:20

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

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monkeyonthetable · 12/07/2020 06:40

Sounds like you and your partner are confusing disliking the stage your DS is at with disliking your DS. He sounds exactly like all 9-year-old boys. Selective deafness, endless monologues about Minecraft, zero ability to work out how boring they are etc.

My advice would be:
You and your partner need to develop a sense of humour about this, fast. Have a giggle together about it and recognise it is a very normal phase.

Try some practical tactic to overcome the selective deafness. I used to stand between the TV and DS to get him to listen. And I remember my dad doing that to me and me being infuriated by him, but now I know why.

Listening to someone talk about Minecraft is exceptionally dull. But playing it is fun. Play it with him occasionally. It's also OK to learn the art of saying without any show of irritation, 'OK, I can't take anymore Minecraft conversation right now, I need to think my own thoughts/get on with some work, but it was fun chatting with you.' Sounds a bit forced to us, but 9-year-olds need that sort of very direct but emotionally calm statement.

Do something together regularly as a family. No discussions or arguments, just develop something you do. We used to go out together every Saturday, all day. Either for a long walk and picnic in the country or into town to see a show or exhibition or for a day out to visit steam railway or Birdland or similar. This gives you something else to discuss: planning your day together, planning the picnic, talking about favourite parts of the outing afterwards, taking it in turns to choose and research what to do next, how to get there etc.

You could also choose a sport to do together, or he and DP could - anything from cycling to swimming, kayaking, climbing, martial arts, fishing. Let your DP take the lead on this - maybe pick three things he'd like to do and get DS to choose one of them and just do it once a week. Don't worry if DS starts out unenthusiastic for the first few months. As he gets more accomplished, his interest will grow. Or, try a different sport each week together until they find one they both love and stick with it. You could go too, but if you want them to bond better, maybe they'd like to try going out without you. (I'd only do this if your relationship with him is rock solid and you know he is going to be your son's father figure from now on.)