to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

[Aquamarine1029]

You know that? Yet you're still with him. FFS.

[FrogMarchJune]

Your son isn't a social experiment to try and engineer a relationship between him and your dp. You can't force these things. If you want to have partners while your dc is young at the very least they should get on really well with your child and not put how you two get on as a couple first then work out the detail of dc.. you're a mum not a childless person dating. If he is irritated by your son thats a deal breaker not oh thanks for being honest and telling me now lets work out a plan. You're chosing your partner over your son, plain and simple.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@Zofloramummy

How long had you been a single parent before dating your DP? I think if your son was used to it just being the 2 of you for years he must be finding it difficult to adjust to your partner, how long had he known him before he moved in?

I think most children have found lockdown boring and lonely. It’s been very hard for them emotionally and socially. My dd is desperate to get back to school,’she is basically fed up of just seeing me

About a year? My ex husband was a rapist arsehole and so I decided not to date at all but well, met DP. DP moved in March so they’d known each other 7 months as we actually met him together which sounds weird - I didn’t take him on a date with me it’s just how we met.

Luckily DS is back at school and that’s been helping his own loneliness, I’ve struggled to fulfil those social needs as I guess most parents have.

[Zofloramummy]

Did you get any support/counselling regarding your ex? Does your ds still see him? That must have been a very difficult time.

In all honesty I think you got into a relationship too quickly. It’s unlikely that you had dealt with the emotional and psychological repercussions of your last relationship. Often after an awful relationship people think the answer is a new partner, new family dynamic thats ‘better’ and it can stop you rationally looking at things because you’re desperate to feel normal.

[Zofloramummy]

Plus I presume Covid lockdown accelerated him moving in? How has that gone (aside from your ds), is he sharing household tasks, paying towards bills, etc? You mention you think he is depressed, how is that showing itself?

[LancesGold]

I’m sorry about your past abusive relationship, but you moved this new man in FAR too quickly.

Move him out again for the sake of your son. Date him if you like, but away from your child. Your boyfriend should not be having to put together plans of action to try and find your child less of an irritation. It’s frankly ridiculous.

I’m a single mum. I appreciate it hard Any man I met would have to absolutely adore my DC though or he will t stand a chance. No man is worth any potential risk to your child’s wellbeing. Ever!

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@Zofloramummy

Did you get any support/counselling regarding your ex? Does your ds still see him? That must have been a very difficult time.

In all honesty I think you got into a relationship too quickly. It’s unlikely that you had dealt with the emotional and psychological repercussions of your last relationship. Often after an awful relationship people think the answer is a new partner, new family dynamic thats ‘better’ and it can stop you rationally looking at things because you’re desperate to feel normal.

Yep, had person centred counselling, and CBT. DP taught me how to meditate which helped but that’s only as of this year.

DS does still see his dad, he goes to his grandmothers every other weekend. ExH was a sleep assaulter etc. So I drop DS off with his grandmother and he spends time with that side of the family, then on the other weekend if DP is working we go off together and have an adventure.

I have considered DP moving out to his house, I can afford to live on my own. I just don’t know what the right thing to do is and I’m constantly making mistakes

[Justanothernameonthepage]

Ok, well it's not great but to make a better relationship, your partner actually needs to make a much bigger effort. So he should play Minecraft with your son at least once for 30 mins. Perhaps encourage play by making a YouTube video with him (doesn't actually need to be uploaded). If dinners are awkward, then encourage everyone to talk. Do things altogether, game nights, walks (Pokémon go would be a great start) etc.
As long as DS isn't being rude, just be patient when he's 'sassy' as it's a normal behaviour. But do make sure DS has time with just you as well doing something together. If DS gets to help each of you making dinner at least once a week that might be good as it will get your dp and him working together on something for you that isn't DS's age appropriate interests.
But please put the moving plans on hold if it's much further than DS' friends. Maybe ask the school for recommendations for a local therapist if he hasn't already got one if he hasn't got anyone to vent to. Otherwise moving to a more isolated area, where it's going to be harder to get to places (based on you saying country) and he's cut off from his friends is not going to make him feel that his needs are being considered.

[differentnameforthis]

@Aquamarine1029

You know that? Yet you're still with him. FFS.

Exactly! Still wants to "fix it" for the sake of her relationship with her partner.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@Zofloramummy

Plus I presume Covid lockdown accelerated him moving in? How has that gone (aside from your ds), is he sharing household tasks, paying towards bills, etc? You mention you think he is depressed, how is that showing itself?

Yes it did accelerate it. He was spending all of his time here already.

Yep, he cooks for us and I do the other household stuff. I’ve taken a larger share as I’m at home all the time and he’s out on really long days but he makes sure he’s cooked and he makes DS lunches every day. Sharing bills as well

Depressed - he’s irritated easily, sex drive has dipped (once every two weeks?) and he’s less tolerant of the dog, me and well anyone. He hates leaving the house at the moment. Before he’d jump on his bike and go for a ride but he hasn’t done that in months. He even quit teaching his yoga class and he sleeps a lot and yet is very tired still. He’s still eating healthily and working out, he just isn’t doing the things that would have brought him joy before.

[fallfallfall]

Without the biological bond it will forever be an uphill battle. 9-25 many unpleasantries yet to come and barely tolerable when they are your own.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@Justanothernameonthepage

Ok, well it's not great but to make a better relationship, your partner actually needs to make a much bigger effort. So he should play Minecraft with your son at least once for 30 mins. Perhaps encourage play by making a YouTube video with him (doesn't actually need to be uploaded). If dinners are awkward, then encourage everyone to talk. Do things altogether, game nights, walks (Pokémon go would be a great start) etc.
As long as DS isn't being rude, just be patient when he's 'sassy' as it's a normal behaviour. But do make sure DS has time with just you as well doing something together. If DS gets to help each of you making dinner at least once a week that might be good as it will get your dp and him working together on something for you that isn't DS's age appropriate interests.
But please put the moving plans on hold if it's much further than DS' friends. Maybe ask the school for recommendations for a local therapist if he hasn't already got one if he hasn't got anyone to vent to. Otherwise moving to a more isolated area, where it's going to be harder to get to places (based on you saying country) and he's cut off from his friends is not going to make him feel that his needs are being considered.

Making dinner together is a good idea, we have tacos once a week and I’m sure DS would love to do that with DP.

I’ve bought some new card and board games for us to do as we played Labryinth together and had a lot of fun then.

And I have put moving on hold, I recognise it wouldn’t be constructive

[Zofloramummy]

So he’s sleeping alot, your sex life is pants and he snappy at everyone? He might be my ex...

[Anordinarymum]

There is no law that says you have to like your children. Having said that you have a duty to look after them and protect them and make them feel safe.
The child comes first, anyone else is a poor second IMHO

[LancesGold]

So you only have sex once a fortnight after a year and he’s snappy with you, your child and your dog?

Cut your losses op. This one does not have legs. Your child, your dog and you all deserve better. Put your little family first please and move him out.

[Zofloramummy]

He probably needs to see a GP (remotely if not face to face). It doesn’t sound great at the moment tbh. I understand that your trying to fix things but he needs to take responsibility for his mental health and do something about it. The last thing you want is ds feeling like he can’t be himself because he’s worrying about irritating your DP. In his own home too.

I think really you could say that things have gone a bit too fast and suggest that he moves back home. You don’t want to be supporting someone else’s needs when that is negatively impacting you and your ds. Maybe if he sorts himself out and you all spend more time doing fun stuff together you could try again in time (like next year). Hopefully not in the middle of a pandemic.

[theendoftheworldasweknowit]

@Yorkshiremummyof1

DP is putting a plan together of what he can do to build the relationship. He’s already teaching him how to ride a bike, they like to take the dog out together and also DP has been introducing DS to Dungeons and Dragons (funnily enough I hate it but DS really enjoys doing it so I join in)

I think DS has been lonely although it has been better since he went back to school and perhaps lockdown has just exacerbated all this. It’s been hard as I’ve been trying to balance working and looking after him and I’m certain I’ve got it wrong so many times. I’m pretty sure DP needs to see a doctor about depression, I read somewhere that NHS workers are suffering the most during all of this and there’s been a rise in those seeking support from GPs. Wondering if that’s had an impact on this.

I think some of the replies have been overly harsh, TBH.

Building a relationship with a 9-year-old boy you didn't make is not easy. If your DP can find some activities that he and DS can do that aren't Youtube and Minecraft, that's great, because they can work on finding some common ground. Having something they enjoy (especially if it's 'their' thing rather than something that you do as well) will help them build a bond.

Assuming he actually follows through (rather than makes endless lists!), the poor bloke is trying.

You're right to be cautious about moving out of 'your' home into 'his' home, but I don't think you're at the point yet where you have to sack off DP.

It's a fact that 9-year-old boys are not particularly interesting other than to other 9-year-old boys. Admitting that was quite brave of your DP and it doesn't make him a horrible person. It just means he has to really work hard at building a connection, because he needs to learn to love your son if you are to continue to move forward.

Help suggest ideas if you think of any. Point out the loveable things your DS has done that day when chatting to your DP. Acknowledge it's hard, but he's trying.

Unless your DS really hates your DP and is suffering from him being in his life, I don't think you need to get rid of your partner. It sounds a lot like your DS and DP are just ambivalent towards each other, so there's every possibility things can be fixed yet.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@Zofloramummy

So he’s sleeping alot, your sex life is pants and he snappy at everyone? He might be my ex...

Oh no!

He’s not always been like this, but he’s under a lot of pressure at work. He’s part of a 8 person team, where 4 of those have had to reduce their hours due to childcare and he’s bearing the brunt of that.
I have absolutely no idea what it’s like to work in healthcare at the moment which is why I’ve not immediately chucked him out when he’s told me he isn’t coping very well. He acknowledged he hasn’t tried hard enough with DS, but he’s not had the energy. He’s starting to feel a bit better now which is why he brought the topic up and wants to make an effort. I just don’t believe in slamming him for feeling that way.

Of course I love my child and he is the most important thing to me. I protected him through my separation, divorce, from what his dad did to me. I do know that DS is aware of DP being weird, but DS also knows that DP does a difficult job and it’s harder at the moment and they’ve spoken about it. He’s taken it in as much as a 9 year old can.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I think you are right, they need an activity that I’m not involved in. I don’t think dungeons and dragons could be that as you need more than two people but we can have a think. DS loves origami so maybe he could teach that to DP.

And DP doesn’t hate DS at all. Before lockdown they used to cuddle etc and DP became physically withdrawn once shit hit the fan. That’s one of the reasons he brought this up is having cleared a bit of the dog he’s been able to look back and go ah...I mucked that up. If he didn’t care about DS, he wouldn’t have brought it up. And I do know he cares because when DS came home in tears about a bully, DP also ruddy cried!

[Graphista]

And then they wonder why everything is a complete fucking disaster. yep!

Every fucking time - on here and in real life i am repeatedly coming across these scenarios

WHY THE RUSH to move every new boyfriend/girlfriend in?

@Zofloramummy I took a similar stance. I raised dd as a single mum, I dated but none of them went beyond the 6 month mark for various reasons so she never met any of them. The one that came closest sadly nobody's fault that relationship ended, he wanted dc I can't have any more sadly.

Dds safety and well-being were my priority and I have NO regrets on that score.

I wouldn’t do it at all because of the power imbalance, his house, his rules, no ownership or feeling like it’s your home. Any problems in the relationship he could threaten to kick you out. I would never advise a friend to do this even if they thought the relationship was perfect. totally agree

And you were only single a year and it was an abusive relationship?

Seriously op, scale this relationship RIGHT back to initial dating level at the very most! Have you had any therapy?

The right thing to do? Almost every respondent here has said move boyfriend out or even end the relationship

he’s irritated easily,...and he’s less tolerant of the dog, me and well anyone

GET HIM OUT!

It very much sounds as if you're sleep walking into ANOTHER abusive relationship - why did his previous relationships end? What does "irritable" and "intolerant" actually mean?

[chatterbugmegastar]

It's exhausting watching women make the SAME mistake over and over

1. DP move back to his place
2. You start concentrating on your son - building his relationship with YOU - love him and show him that you love him rather than concentrating on his annoying habits
3. See DP three times a week one of those times when your son is away. Allow DP and your son to build a relationship slowly over the next 2 to 3 years
4. Stop rushing things and trying to force things to be as YOU want them to be

[Zeusthemoose]

I agree with others that dp should move back to his cottage. He can put the effort in to build a relationship with your ds on arranged meet ups then your Ds can have the comfort and safety of his own home without having to feel awkward. If it doesn't work it will be less traumatic for him having to live in the same house.
I feel so sorry for your boy. He's already experienced bullying in school, been through the break up with your EX H which sounds like it was traumatic for both of you and now has to share his home with a practical stranger that obviously doesn't like him.
Maybe dp isn't depressed, this could be the real him coming out now he's got his feet under the table.

[BurningTheToast]

I can't see how your partner is a positive aspect of your son's life.

My mother remarried when I was about the same age as your DS and I knew my step-father didn't like me or want me around. I'm 50 now, and I still feel that rejection. And I'm still resentful that my mother gave so little concern for my happiness. It's not a big thing now, obviously, but it's there, underlying a lot of the issues we have now.

Put your son and what he needs first. The D&D and bike-riding is a start, but I'd put the moving in together on the back burner for now.

Ultimately it may be that this isn't the right relationship for you and I'm sorry, but your child's happiness needs to take precedence.

[GimmeAy]

Not sure why him standing so close to the TV is an issue for your DP, but my dd used to do this with the TV when she was a tot - I actually thought it was her hearing - turns out - she has really bad eyesight! Was picked up at school.

[differentnameforthis]

@theendoftheworldasweknowit I think some of the replies have been overly harsh, TBH. Building a relationship with a 9-year-old boy you didn't make is not easy.

He's lived with him for 7mths. He has already given up trying to "build" anything. Op sees this, yet is more inclined to do what her dp wants, than what her ds needs...