to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

& even if your son has made a list, that's very sad as he obviously realises he has to try to please your man. Just rubbish all round. He shouldn't be thinking like this at 9, if ever

I'm glad DP has decided to move out while making a conscious effort to change and find an interest with DS.
I think you put the cart before the horse in this relationship, my only concern is how moody DP comes across? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has depressive symptoms who is sulky and makes an issue about a 9 y.o not holding his interest. I think you've been through enough without taking on this DP and his baggage.

@DeeCeeCherry

& even if your son has made a list, that's very sad as he obviously realises he has to try to please your man. Just rubbish all round. He shouldn't be thinking like this at 9, if ever

It was framed as a list of things we can all do together once places start opening up again. We had a list before but it was of things I’d had chosen for us to do.

@Emeraldshamrock

I'm glad DP has decided to move out while making a conscious effort to change and find an interest with DS. I think you put the cart before the horse in this relationship, my only concern is how moody DP comes across? Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has depressive symptoms who is sulky and makes an issue about a 9 y.o not holding his interest. I think you've been through enough without taking on this DP and his baggage.

Honest answer two months ago would have been stoically yes because I believe in supporting people through tough times.

The answer as of today is I don’t know because I don’t see an end in sight and the end that I do see isn’t a happy one....

@Yorkshiremummyof1 I understand, it is kind to want to help others but not if it is detrimental to your family.
You sound like a really lovely kind person, spend a few years with DS rebuild yourself. I know from past experience moody negativity drags you down, you don't owe him support it would be different if married years.
You gave him the chance he wasted it.

If dp cried when your ds talked about being bullied this isn't a sign that he cares about your ds, it's a sign that he himself has experienced bullying. He is crying for himself.

I feel sorry for your son he will probably be picking up on how you both feel about him! Appreciate you have a son who seems to be making the best of a bad situation ie doing hobbies he likes indoors due to lockdown yet has a mother n partner who are slating him poor thing sorry to sound rude but guessing you’ve not spoken about this to anyone in real life and I don’t think anyone would find you to be reasonable slating your own son because of a man 😡

@Snog that’s a good point!

Your DS sounds like a normal kid. "Kinda" a deal breaker? Mental, if he doesnt want to deal with a child then maybe he should leave. You also sound like he's your priority over your Son.

I’ve said this before but even with your updates, it’s still stands:
Your son deserves more than being tolerated by someone he shares his home/ mum/ a lot of time with.
Your son deserves more than spending his childhood with someone “learning” to like him.
Your son deserves a parental figure who wants to spend time with him not just because they want to impress/ please his mum.
Your son deserves more.

I don’t think some parents can do much more than tolerate the children in their lives.
It’s similar to at work, there are people who you have a natural rapport with and those for whom don’t.
Of course it would be lovely if everybody liked/loved everybody but it’s not a reality.
Well done OP, you’ve prioritised you’re child.

Step* not some

@Ghost9525

I feel sorry for your son he will probably be picking up on how you both feel about him! Appreciate you have a son who seems to be making the best of a bad situation ie doing hobbies he likes indoors due to lockdown yet has a mother n partner who are slating him poor thing sorry to sound rude but guessing you’ve not spoken about this to anyone in real life and I don’t think anyone would find you to be reasonable slating your own son because of a man 😡

I do not feel that way about my son, I was detailing what partner had said.

@Snog

If dp cried when your ds talked about being bullied this isn't a sign that he cares about your ds, it's a sign that he himself has experienced bullying. He is crying for himself.

Interesting perspective, that actually rings true not necessarily the bullying but a few things DP got upset about in relation to DS. He didn’t like that a kid called DS an idiot and he has a particular thing about that word. Obviously it’s a horrible word anyway

@hardboiledeggs

Your DS sounds like a normal kid. "Kinda" a deal breaker? Mental, if he doesnt want to deal with a child then maybe he should leave. You also sound like he's your priority over your Son.

Jesus, semantics. Kinda a deal breaker is just a casual way of stating he can get fucked.

ANYWAY as I have already said...

The man left yesterday, I’m not seeing him for a couple of weeks. I may not see him again, or I may do. But I’m spending the time with DS primarily

It sounds like you are expecting your DP to do all the parenting and after only a year together which includes the last few months of lockdown - a hard time for most people.

Your DS doesn't have to be on YouTube or minecraft so frequently but he needs to be told that by his mother not your DP.

@HMBB

It sounds like you are expecting your DP to do all the parenting and after only a year together which includes the last few months of lockdown - a hard time for most people.

Your DS doesn't have to be on YouTube or minecraft so frequently but he needs to be told that by his mother not your DP.

I don’t expect him to do any parenting. And I restrict the amount of YouTube, my partner was telling me he hated it. My response to that was yes YouTube’s probably not the most fulfilling activity but he enjoys it and I’m fine with it in small doses. He gets to watch YouTube if he’s gone to bed on time and his room is tidy. He isn’t watching it today because he sneakily stayed up late (I’m going to have to remove lightbulbs at this rate)

My entire point of my post was, DP has these “feelings” which I think are unreasonable, if you’re going to be my partner you should make an effort to get to know DS and engage with him, not complain that he talks to you about things you don’t like. Either find a topic you can both enjoy discussing or activities you can do together or gtfo

Hello Yorkshiremummy,

I'm just commenting to say that you did really well here. You asked for advice on a matter of huge importance to you and your son and you did get good advice. That advice was quite brutal, accusatory even, yet you handled it really well. Many other posters would have become defensive and embattled (I always think they just wanted affirmation, not advice) but you haven't done that. You've taken the criticism, however blunt, with good grace and put it to use.

I really agree with most pp comments already - that you rushed the move in, that you needed longer post divorce before a new relationship, that DP's needs should be second to your DS's, that adults don't expect children to entertain them, etc - so I don't need to elaborate.

You've said that you and DP are going to go back to living separately. I think that's the best idea and definitely best for DS. Be prepared for DP to drift or for it to end some other way soon. The partnership could survive, but I think it's unlikely and shouldn't be your priority. Concentrate on you and DS and enjoy his childhood.

You were hit hard with mumsnet artillery fire for asking the question, but you have taken it well and I'm sure you will make best use of it.

Good luck.

@thechiefjo I really don't mind harsh criticism, it wouldn't be good to have everyone tell me its okay! I do mind people making wild assumptions though. But thats fine, it happens. And it was good to ask because I don't have ANYONE to direct me in these sorts of things. No fellow mums, not really any family - I have my mum but she's not the best person to advise on this sort of stuff. She's good with the parenting side I guess.

It's lonely at times, as a single parent. Even more so in 2020. You've made a couple of understandable and very common mistakes. You've been wise enough to ask - of yourself and others - and you've taken the answers on board. You can't knock yourself.

TheChiefJo

Well said , 98.9% of these threads turn nasty
OP Took it with grace and clearly has her head screwed on

You and your son sound lovely 😊

Update:

DS and I have had a lovely week together, he’s been at school, I’ve managed to get all my work done before school ends and I’ve been remarkably less stressed. I don’t think I realised how much it was affecting me knowing how partner was feeling. I’ve been much more relaxed which has meant I’ve enjoyed spending time with DS, we started a Disney Marvel marathon, except it’s one movie every two days as opposed to all at once. And honestly, not really missing partner at the moment but I’ve been focusing on DS more than anything so haven’t had the time to. Today we’re going strawberry picking. Might not be any left at the pyo place though!

Pleased for you both, enjoy your strawberries.

Ah sounds great. Well done for sorting it all out so quickly. I hope you have a great summer.