to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

[Notcoolmum]

Definitely sounds like the best thing for you and your son. Great job putting him first. I understand it's not easy when we crave companionship and it made the money situation easier.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

[quote Notcoolmum]@Yorkshiremummyof1 aw I'm so glad you think that! I think the temptation can be to move things along quickly. And I've read your debt thread so I can see there were reasons you rushed into creating a new family. And for some people that seems to work. But it hasn't for me. After my marriage broke down I met someone with no kids, more disposable income and saw how things could be. But I think it's best to keep family and dating life separate for a while and integrate these things slowly.

Are you able to slow things down a bit and focus more on your relationship with you son. And separately on your relationship with your BF? Maybe see him twice a week. Once with your son and once on your own? You are still getting to know each other. As you say Covid has increased the stress on us all. And it sounds like he hasn't handled the increased stress in his job very well.

I see my BF twice a week. He has a DS the same age as yours and i have met him but only a handful of times. He has him EOW so it's different but I think it's important his weekend focuses on him and his son and I don't want to automatically be included.

Well done on navigating a difficult situation and handling the responses on your thread. [/quote]
Thats what we're doing essentially, he's going to come over at weekends when DS is away, and then round for dinner during the week. When DS is here at a weekend he's coming round for one of the days and we're doing something together. So its a complete step back but it will give us all the time to decide what works.

He has said that going home has been a bit of a shock for him and that maybe he was a bit stressed when he said he couldn't cope but what is done is done and I'm enjoying just me and DS being able to sit in bed on a Saturday morning and watch a movie like we used to.

[Notcoolmum]

@Yorkshiremummyof1 aw I'm so glad you think that! I think the temptation can be to move things along quickly. And I've read your debt thread so I can see there were reasons you rushed into creating a new family. And for some people that seems to work. But it hasn't for me. After my marriage broke down I met someone with no kids, more disposable income and saw how things could be. But I think it's best to keep family and dating life separate for a while and integrate these things slowly.

Are you able to slow things down a bit and focus more on your relationship with you son. And separately on your relationship with your BF? Maybe see him twice a week. Once with your son and once on your own? You are still getting to know each other. As you say Covid has increased the stress on us all. And it sounds like he hasn't handled the increased stress in his job very well.

I see my BF twice a week. He has a DS the same age as yours and i have met him but only a handful of times. He has him EOW so it's different but I think it's important his weekend focuses on him and his son and I don't want to automatically be included.

Well done on navigating a difficult situation and handling the responses on your thread.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@Notcoolmum

Hi *@Yorkshiremummyof1* I recognise you from older threads. I'm really pleased to hear you have moved your BF out of the house. If you've been together a year, and lived together for 7 months that means you had only been dating for 5 months when you moved him in. In my opinion that is far, far too early. Your son had gone through the trauma of his parents relationship ending. Moving to a new house and new area and was just settling when your Bf then moved in. Not to mention some of the strange behaviour from your ex and his mum.

And to a PP I am a single mum of 2. Have been for 14 years and have never moved anyone in. Currently in a relationship of a similar time period and restrict his coming here to twice a week because this is my kids home. And they come first.

When we have kids we have to put their needs first and not move hell for leather into a happy family situation.

Have fun spending time with you and your DS. Mine is a teenager and barely speaks to me!! So I'm going to apply some of the plans I've read on this thread in trying to get a conversation going!! 😂😂

Hi love! I remember you as well, you’re the kind one!

My exmil settled down eventually and that has become manageable but it took a long time. Also cut most contact with my ex, I see him for pick ups and drop offs but don’t go into his flat or offer him a lift somewhere that sort of thing. He started to get creepy again and also started messaging me like he would a friend and it just made me uncomfortable given the history.

Partner is finding it easier to cope now he’s moved out, and is making efforts to get to know DS again. We had a week and a bit to ourselves and then he took him out with the dog for a walk and they had a nice time. He’s also making an effort to be interested in what DS is interested in, I think there was a suggestion about pokemon go earlier so they’ve been doing that, and he’s also introduced DS to his favourite console game which they played together happily. Which was what I meant when I said, don’t complain if his interests are not what you like, find something you can do together. And for all that complaining about how much he hates minecraft, he’s gone and bought him a minecraft torch for his birthday. So he does care, and he did that without me suggesting it.

I think it’s just easier for him to deal with COVID related work and then us when he’s not around 24/7. I should have realised he wouldn’t adapt as quickly as I expected but that’s because this is normality for me and so I was naive. We will see how it goes. He’s a good person, he just found lockdown really hard and I understand that. Now he’s got all those feelings off his chest, he’s been able to start again maybe?

DS is at my mums for a week or so, so partners been round a bit and is helping me sort DSs room out and he’s still been going home so I’ve had plenty of time to myself to relax and unwind without worrying about everything. We are hopefully taking DS to Go Ape for his birthday, partner wanted to do something with him where he could help him and have fun. We will see how it goes

[Notcoolmum]

Hi @Yorkshiremummyof1 I recognise you from older threads. I'm really pleased to hear you have moved your BF out of the house. If you've been together a year, and lived together for 7 months that means you had only been dating for 5 months when you moved him in. In my opinion that is far, far too early. Your son had gone through the trauma of his parents relationship ending. Moving to a new house and new area and was just settling when your Bf then moved in. Not to mention some of the strange behaviour from your ex and his mum.

And to a PP I am a single mum of 2. Have been for 14 years and have never moved anyone in. Currently in a relationship of a similar time period and restrict his coming here to twice a week because this is my kids home. And they come first.

When we have kids we have to put their needs first and not move hell for leather into a happy family situation.

Have fun spending time with you and your DS. Mine is a teenager and barely speaks to me!! So I'm going to apply some of the plans I've read on this thread in trying to get a conversation going!! 😂😂

[CottonSock]

I'm glad it's going well op. I imagine you are much more relaxed and your son will be too.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@katy1213

Why were you in such a hurry to move in together? Your 'Partner' - which seems to be elevating his status somewhat! - would be a perfectly good boyfriend. Your child is a perfectly normal, irritating kid. There's no need to mix the two, other than the odd afternoon out together.

We weren’t actively trying to move in, it just happened that he was here all the time for a while. Looking back, slowly slowly would have been better.

[katy1213]

Why were you in such a hurry to move in together? Your 'Partner' - which seems to be elevating his status somewhat! - would be a perfectly good boyfriend. Your child is a perfectly normal, irritating kid. There's no need to mix the two, other than the odd afternoon out together.

[converseandjeans]

Ah sounds great. Well done for sorting it all out so quickly. I hope you have a great summer.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Pleased for you both, enjoy your strawberries.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

Update:

DS and I have had a lovely week together, he’s been at school, I’ve managed to get all my work done before school ends and I’ve been remarkably less stressed. I don’t think I realised how much it was affecting me knowing how partner was feeling. I’ve been much more relaxed which has meant I’ve enjoyed spending time with DS, we started a Disney Marvel marathon, except it’s one movie every two days as opposed to all at once. And honestly, not really missing partner at the moment but I’ve been focusing on DS more than anything so haven’t had the time to. Today we’re going strawberry picking. Might not be any left at the pyo place though!

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

TheChiefJo

Well said , 98.9% of these threads turn nasty
OP Took it with grace and clearly has her head screwed on

You and your son sound lovely 😊

[TheChiefJo]

It's lonely at times, as a single parent. Even more so in 2020. You've made a couple of understandable and very common mistakes. You've been wise enough to ask - of yourself and others - and you've taken the answers on board. You can't knock yourself.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@thechiefjo I really don't mind harsh criticism, it wouldn't be good to have everyone tell me its okay! I do mind people making wild assumptions though. But thats fine, it happens. And it was good to ask because I don't have ANYONE to direct me in these sorts of things. No fellow mums, not really any family - I have my mum but she's not the best person to advise on this sort of stuff. She's good with the parenting side I guess.

[TheChiefJo]

Hello Yorkshiremummy,

I'm just commenting to say that you did really well here. You asked for advice on a matter of huge importance to you and your son and you did get good advice. That advice was quite brutal, accusatory even, yet you handled it really well. Many other posters would have become defensive and embattled (I always think they just wanted affirmation, not advice) but you haven't done that. You've taken the criticism, however blunt, with good grace and put it to use.

I really agree with most pp comments already - that you rushed the move in, that you needed longer post divorce before a new relationship, that DP's needs should be second to your DS's, that adults don't expect children to entertain them, etc - so I don't need to elaborate.

You've said that you and DP are going to go back to living separately. I think that's the best idea and definitely best for DS. Be prepared for DP to drift or for it to end some other way soon. The partnership could survive, but I think it's unlikely and shouldn't be your priority. Concentrate on you and DS and enjoy his childhood.

You were hit hard with mumsnet artillery fire for asking the question, but you have taken it well and I'm sure you will make best use of it.

Good luck.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@HMBB

It sounds like you are expecting your DP to do all the parenting and after only a year together which includes the last few months of lockdown - a hard time for most people.

Your DS doesn't have to be on YouTube or minecraft so frequently but he needs to be told that by his mother not your DP.

I don’t expect him to do any parenting. And I restrict the amount of YouTube, my partner was telling me he hated it. My response to that was yes YouTube’s probably not the most fulfilling activity but he enjoys it and I’m fine with it in small doses. He gets to watch YouTube if he’s gone to bed on time and his room is tidy. He isn’t watching it today because he sneakily stayed up late (I’m going to have to remove lightbulbs at this rate)


My entire point of my post was, DP has these “feelings” which I think are unreasonable, if you’re going to be my partner you should make an effort to get to know DS and engage with him, not complain that he talks to you about things you don’t like. Either find a topic you can both enjoy discussing or activities you can do together or gtfo

[HMBB]

It sounds like you are expecting your DP to do all the parenting and after only a year together which includes the last few months of lockdown - a hard time for most people.

Your DS doesn't have to be on YouTube or minecraft so frequently but he needs to be told that by his mother not your DP.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

ANYWAY as I have already said...

The man left yesterday, I’m not seeing him for a couple of weeks. I may not see him again, or I may do. But I’m spending the time with DS primarily

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@hardboiledeggs

Your DS sounds like a normal kid. "Kinda" a deal breaker? Mental, if he doesnt want to deal with a child then maybe he should leave. You also sound like he's your priority over your Son.

Jesus, semantics. Kinda a deal breaker is just a casual way of stating he can get fucked.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@Snog

If dp cried when your ds talked about being bullied this isn't a sign that he cares about your ds, it's a sign that he himself has experienced bullying. He is crying for himself.

Interesting perspective, that actually rings true not necessarily the bullying but a few things DP got upset about in relation to DS. He didn’t like that a kid called DS an idiot and he has a particular thing about that word. Obviously it’s a horrible word anyway

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@Ghost9525

I feel sorry for your son he will probably be picking up on how you both feel about him! Appreciate you have a son who seems to be making the best of a bad situation ie doing hobbies he likes indoors due to lockdown yet has a mother n partner who are slating him poor thing sorry to sound rude but guessing you’ve not spoken about this to anyone in real life and I don’t think anyone would find you to be reasonable slating your own son because of a man 😡

I do not feel that way about my son, I was detailing what partner had said.

[Callardandbowser]

Step* not some

[Callardandbowser]

I don’t think some parents can do much more than tolerate the children in their lives.
It’s similar to at work, there are people who you have a natural rapport with and those for whom don’t.
Of course it would be lovely if everybody liked/loved everybody but it’s not a reality.
Well done OP, you’ve prioritised you’re child.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

I’ve said this before but even with your updates, it’s still stands:
Your son deserves more than being tolerated by someone he shares his home/ mum/ a lot of time with.
Your son deserves more than spending his childhood with someone “learning” to like him.
Your son deserves a parental figure who wants to spend time with him not just because they want to impress/ please his mum.
Your son deserves more.

[hardboiledeggs]

Your DS sounds like a normal kid. "Kinda" a deal breaker? Mental, if he doesnt want to deal with a child then maybe he should leave. You also sound like he's your priority over your Son.