to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

[BeeBeep]

What a tricky situation OP, sorry to hear you're going through this. If he finds it hard now, teens are often 'harder work' to put it politely, obviously your son might not be at all, but if your partner is struggling now it's worth considering what it will be like then. Not sure what the answer is, it seems it might be one of those times where you have to make a heartbreaking decision for the good of your child, even though it's not what you want. Although I would hold off moving for now and maybe see how it goes. Maybe even have a bit of time apart and see if he then feels differently after realising what he stands to lose? At least he is being honest I suppose, he can't help how he feels, but it sucks for you.

[Zeusthemoose]

Op I'm sorry you feel attacked. There is absolutely no excuse for insults when your reaching out for advice. You obviously love your son and have his best interests at heart. As I said before you've both been through so much, it must have been so traumatic.

Your upset but please don't ignore some of the more measured advice. Your DS is aware Dp finds him irritating. I think he would be relieved if Dp moved out then you can all work on his relationship with your son and he will have his place of safety at home. Maybe backtracking a bit will help you all move forward in a more positive way. I hope it works out for you and your son. X

[SuperMumTum]

I think AIBU probably wasn't the place to post this. You would probably get some more constructive help if you post in parenting. You didn't want to hear that YABU you wanted some advice.

[BluebellForest836]

You moved him in way way to soon. You needed to put your son first, which you did not.

Also, your DP buying your son a brownie is hardly something to be proud of. It’s a brownie, nothing special and the bare minimum. Don’t set the bar so low.

I would pick an activity for them to do together that they BOTH have an interest in. I think an outdoor activity would be much better then being stuck inside to.
Something like fishing? Football? Some form of sport?
It needs to be something they both look forward to doing.

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

@KatySun

I am very sorry for everything you have been through.

I also found it very difficult to read the negative opening description of your son. He sounds just like my son and I think he is quite normal for his age. I don’t dislike him talking to the TV or whatever he is playing with - that shows he is absorbed in his game. His sister says she does the same, just inside her own head.

I am a single parent having left an abusive marriage. I think you are very vulnerable in a way you do not entirely realise. Namely, that meeting someone it seems very attractive to have normality and be a normal family and I think this looks more attractive than the safer option of being on your own for a bit and putting yourself and your son first. There must still be a lot of emotional turmoil from your ex as well. It seems that you met this man quite quickly and lockdown has speeded matters up. This has landed you in a situation which is difficult to cope with, and on top of this, your partner had a stressful job which he does not seem to have adequate coping strategies for. None of this is your son’s fault, as you know.

I think you have an uphill struggle to make this work and I wonder what the benefits are.

I don’t see the negative points as negative. I love him no matter his weird 9year old habits. I love that his eyes light up when I add yet another Minecraft T-shirt to his collection.

DP seems to expect DS to live by adult standards, for instance DS makes up fibs and “facts” all the time that make no sense. I find them funny and understand it’s part of his development whereas DP struggles with the fact that it’s a “lie” or not factually correct and struggles to grit his teeth.

I don’t know if he’ll ever learn to live with a child tbh, he’s moving out this afternoon back to his house (we’ve been up since 5am discussing it).

He said he isn’t motivated to make an effort at the moment, he does want to but not right now. I said that wasn’t good enough so it was best he left and he can revisit it when he is motivated. And if he’s never motivated then he’s not the man for us. And I say us because it isn’t just me.

[UltimateWednesday]

It sounds like your partner doesn't like 9yos. Most of what you describe is very normal and only gets "worse" until around 13/14yo when you get a teenager.

Stop trying to change the boy. If DP can't like him he needs to go.

[GimmeAy]

I've only ever had girls, but boys I'm glad I don't have one.

I wonder OP whether you ever let the pair of them just be boys?

[Zofloramummy]

Apologies @Yorkshiremummyof1 I didn’t realise he was back in school. I was responding to another poster who seemed to be saying you were very strict and all you had to do was let your ds and DP break the rules together .

I don’t agree with the personal insults and you are clearly trying to do your best by everyone. My opinion is things accelerated because of covid, DP is stressed at work, we’ve just had lockdown with us all stuck in together, it’s been a weird time. I’d take a breather, suggest DP moves home again and looks after his mental health and do some fun bonding activities, see how things go.

[Undervaluedandsad]

I think you demonstrate insight into the behaviours and feelings of both your partner and son. We are not living in normal times. Why not give things a bit longer and see how you are all doing once life is a bit more normal. It is still early days and your son and partner are building up a relationship. I agree your son needs to be your first priority and I wouldn’t contemplate moving just yet but put into place some of the changes you have suggested and see how it goes.

[GimmeAy]

Well, you've given the answer MN wants! Hooray!!

[BluebellForest836]

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it

This above is also really shit for you to even say. Take an interest in your son, to say he doesn’t talk about anything interesting is pretty vile.
I made an account on roblox so I could play with my 9 year old daughter.... you know.. so it looks like I actively enjoy stuff that she likes.. because I love her.

[Zofloramummy]

I just read your post OP and I think that’s the best outcome for everybody. You must be feeling upset and I’m sorry he hasn’t been able to commit to being part of a family not just a partner. Hopefully some time to reflect will be healthy for you all.

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

You say DP is a good guy but is he really good enough to be someone your child grows up seeing as a parental figure? Does your son not deserve someone who likes him at the very minimum?
Honestly, your DP does not sound compatible with being a step-parent. The fact that he thinks your son should think of conversation that interests your partner is very worrying.
Your son deserves more than to be tolerated throughout his childhood. He deserves to be treasured and appreciated which is not happening right now.
Please get rid of your partner. He sounds like a complete drain on you. You’re already so much more concerned with his well-being than that of your son, who by your own admission knows he’s disliked by your partner.

[Iloveyoutothefridgeandback]

Just read your update OP - good for you! Sounds like your life will be a bit simpler with you two living apart for now. I hope that he does find his motivation and you can all end up being a big happy family down the line... but if not, I'm sure you'll be absolute fine. You sound more than capable of getting on well on your own.

Good luck!

[CallarMorvern]

Yorkshiremummyof1

Your big mistake was posting on AIBU. Too many people just want to put the boot in, and don't realise there are real lives behind their casual slinging around of the Ltb acronym. When all they see is a brief snapshot of someone's life.

OP, it's been a rough few months for all of us, especially those of us working in healthcare. Your partner is acknowledging his failings and attempting to put them right. Nobody becomes a child expert overnight, and children can even wear on us parents, even though we love them. People aren't acknowledging that lockdown has meant maybe moving faster in a relationship than might otherwise have been wise.

You've had a tough time, but you've got this. You are aware of the issues and pitfalls, you've put future plans to move on hold and your partner is trying to do better. You sound astute and I'm sure you know what to do, should things not improve.
Be kind to yourself.

[mellowww]

@LancesGold

So you only have sex once a fortnight after a year and he’s snappy with you, your child and your dog?

Cut your losses op. This one does not have legs. Your child, your dog and you all deserve better. Put your little family first please and move him out.

This.

OP, I reckon probably after what happened with your ex, you are a bit at sea. This partner now is an attempt to have the support and love to make your little family 'whole', but to be honest, I think you need to face and understand the reality that it's not working out.

You, DS and dog are a family unit and are enough. If someone comes along who enhances and enriched your lives - aka makes you (plural) happy - then that's a green light on one day living together.

But what you've got at the mo sounds miserable. No sex (once every two weeks is ?), DP yes has depression if sleeping, tired, no exercise, no joy, and add to that your son and the dog irritate him.

There's so much other stuff they could do. No mention of practical stuff like building and doing things, or sports, cycling, walks, Hornby train sets, etc. DP sounds as if he's at a loss with the whole thing.

You should give yourselves all a break.

The thing is, there will be guys out there who understand what a 9 year old boy is like. And everything that annoys you will only get worse - boys from 10 to 13/14 pretty much switch right out. They come back later, but the build up to turning into a young man is not the nicest. They tend to change into werewolves (😅) around 14, depending on the kid. Up to that point it's tricky for them - they are transforming completely.

I really feel sorry for your DS. I think that if your DP wasn't there getting annoyed, you wouldn't find your DS so irritating. A big part of the problem is the pressure you feel for your DS to be liked, so you are micro-observing every interaction with him.

Instead of “here’s a brownie” perhaps he should be getting down on his level and saying “I bought you a brownie” if that makes sense?

So here you want your DP to point out to DS that he thought kindly of him and brought him a treat? You see? All the time you're fretting and wanting them to 'show' each other positivity.

It's exhausting, isn't it?

It will be so much better just with dog and boy.

No, noooo - banish the thought of moving to the tiny country cottage. Not with THIS guy. With another some time who fits better.

And btw male yoga teachers are notoriously fussy and temperamental 😬

[pictish]

Yeah good on you. You’ve got your rational head on.
God I imagine this is so awkward and sad for both of you but really, it needs to happen. Him living with you and your son will only reduce the quality of life for all of you, not enhance it as I’m sure you anticipated when he moved in.

FWIW I’m sorry it didn’t go as hoped.

[mellowww]

Hi sorry classic mistake 😅😅😅
🤦‍♀️ just read your update!!

Hallelujah. 🍾👌

[converseandjeans]

Agree with graphista. Also most people are saying your DP should move out - he already has a home. Why can't he live at home & you have alternate weekends with DP at his cottage. Then maybe he stays over with you a night a week?

I agree DS sounds really normal. He's really not doing anything different to most boys.

I think lockdown has been hard but you say DS is back in school (I thought only year reception, 1 & 6 were back in) so things should be back to normal?

You need to prioritise DS. Don't try to keep finding ways for them to bond - just move DP out & spend time with him separately.

[CallarMorvern]

And, after my lengthy post..
I've just read your update. If he isn't motivated to change, then obviously that changes the whole dynamic. I very much read up to that point, that he was aware of his failings and was willing to put in the effort. If not well, your decision is for the best.
Take care and be kind to yourself.

[LaurieMarlow]

Your big mistake was posting on AIBU. Too many people just want to put the boot in, and don't realise there are real lives behind their casual slinging around of the Ltb acronym.

I second this.

[bluesapphirestars]

I didn’t take OPs description of her son as negative at all.

How do you think most teens/preteens would describe their mums?

Probably something like she is old and listens to weird and embarrassing music from last century. She has embarrassing interests like this website for mums, drinking wine and cooking horrible meals she says are healthy. Her clothes are old and she has no idea what’s cool. She makes me go outside and get up before noon midday

You get the gist. To one another we are annoying and embarrassing and daft. We also love each other with a bond that lasts a lifetime.

We are just as boring to nine year olds as they are to us

[CodenameVillanelle]

Thank goodness he's moving out.
I cannot understand why you felt the need to move in with him. As a single mum to a young child who has been through trauma (both of you) you absolutely MUST preserve the sanctity of your family (you and DS) to heal. You met a man a year after exiting an abusive relationship which is nowhere near enough time to heal and you moved him in within 7 months which ...words fail to be honest.
Nobody is saying you shouldn't have a boyfriend. But keep him separate. He should be for you, not to have a forced relationship with your son. Your home should be a safe place for you and DS and bringing another man into it is the opposite of that.

[midnightstar66]

Wow, he sounds like every single 9 year old I've ever met - they are all sassy, they genuinely take a minute to work something out, especially if concentrating on other things, you even recognise that yourself so why on Earth it still bothers you is baffling. They are certainly all annoying. Yes lo it his YouTube and find something you can watch together like a Netflix series of some classic films. We're going through all my favourite childhood films at the moment. Play board games together. Maybe dp could join in some of his games on 2 player or play against him so he knows more what he's talking about. All these things are such run of the mill minor irritants though that I worry how it will go for the poor kid once he hits the teenage years and is actually a nightmare. (Which he definitely will be living in a house with adults who don't like him)