to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

It sounds as your son has had a turbulent few years. There's all this focus on fostering a relationship with the DP, which just doesn't be a priority at the moment. Your kid only has one childhood, abusive ex is out of your control but the rest isn't.

Move this man out. Date him when your son isn't around and prioritise your son.

@WhatASadLittleLifeJane

I doubt you will stay apart from your partner. This man was living in your house with contempt from your son for MONTHS without you doing anything about it. You think I'm going to believe because you've posted on here that you have suddenly asked him to move out after a couple of hours?

Just because your partner didn't SAY he had an issue with your son, surely you could see it and chose to do nothing.

You sound like you are a great mother with a lot of love for your son, but you need to be with someone that adds to both of your lives and not just your own.

They’ve not been around each other much, DS has been at school and my partner has been working until 8pm. It’s only been over the last month that it’s started to become apparent and I had the conversation yesterday. I had thought something wasn’t right but I’ve been neck deep in my work and looking after DS on my own (as I should) that it didn’t quite occur to me that DS was an issue for my partner. I thought the issue was with me.

I’ve been up since 3am he has been up since 5am. We had a conversation where I laid out the terms, and he said he couldn’t meet them. So yes it can happen that quickly and it’s not like he has to find somewhere to live, he owns a house, it is furnished. He just has to pack his clothes up, his expensive sound system and his gym equipment. Oh and his PC. The rest of the stuff in this house is mine. So it really is that simple.

It’s this simple

Who is more important to you your child or your partner

Make the choice

Why anyone would consider being in a relationship especially living with them where it’s obvious they don’t like your child/children I don’t know but I’ve seen it over and over again and the children they are left feeling rejected, confused. A partner can be replaced

And agree why move in so quickly

Yep, your son's behaviour is normal.

If your boyfriend wants to build a relationship, then HE has to take initiative and build it slowly. Try and so the odd activity they both like.
It is honestly beside the point if you bf LIKES your child. He has to treat him well, and look out for him, and support you in your parenting.

Please

Please, stop trying to make your son accommodate.
You'll hate yourself for it, I promise

OP you’ve made your decision, you’ve had no sleep and today will be difficult emotionally. If I were you I’d hide this thread for a bit. You’ve made a difficult decision but you’ve 100% made the right one.

@oblada

You can't expect your partner to love/like your son within 4months. Give the relationship time. I'm not sure why everyone jumped up on you saying you should dump the partner. And it's fine for your son to realise your partner doesn't love him yet, relationships take time. He has you, that's the main thing. Just let the relationship develop over time. Do some activities together. Take some pressure off, as long as they can be friendly together why do you need them to love each other straight away? It will happen naturally over time. For your son - yes he seems perfectly normal but 2hrs per day of screen time is quite a lot in my view and in my experience can impact negatively on behaviour. I know I have seen a difference in my girls behaviour when I stopped TV altogether during the (working) week. So that's something you could explore if you wanted to and encourage him to do other things for some of that time. I know your said you're working but at 8-9yrs old he can find other activities on his own. It may take some adjustment/time initially of course.

It’s difficult at the moment but he’s going to my mums on sunday so I’ll plough through all my work in those two weeks meaning when he’s back I can work shorter days so less TV time. One week I can manage an hour of TV time and then the rest playing but he complains by 4.30 that he’s bored. I work in an area of business that has statutory deadlines so I’m honestly just managing it the best I can. When he’s at after school club in September he will actually have no screen time during the week apart from on a Friday as we get home after 6 and then it’s dinner straight away. When things are normal he’s not allowed any Youtube time during the week and can have it on a Friday if he’s got up for school on time each day. Because getting that child up takes two hours 😂😂

He should try and if he doesn't, you shouldn't go out with him

I also dated someone once who said they had a rule of not dating women with kids but by this stage, my two were teenagers so we thought it might work. A few months in, I realised it was never going to work - not that he didn't like them but they were just not part of the equation in his head.

Don't waste any more time with him!

It doesn't make your Dp a 'bad' person but this is just not for him and you will spend your entire life trying to manage their relationship and it will become exhausting and impossible for you!

OP - I’m late to the thread but I just wanted to say I think you’ve done the right thing.

What I would say, having been a step child which was a disaster, is take a really cautious approach to someone moving in.

I understand the pandemic really accelerated things but after 7 months it really is too soon - you don’t know each other that well let alone know whether he and your son would mesh well.

The pressure on a child that age is really hard. He’ll be aware of so much more than you realise.

And I get how annoying all that stuff is. I’m sitting next to my 7yo who is narrating his driving game and making stupid noises.

The reality is that when you’re a parent you are not able to make decisions without considering your child first. I know that sounds obvious, but when it comes to relationships it really means they don’t have legs if your child can’t be whole and happy.

I might have to go take a nap whilst he packs his stuff

And ps there is nothing wrong with your son!

(And I have 2 of my own and 4 step kids so I do understand how you feel!)

You son is exactly like my son
Same age , same interests
I have loved through many a conference call with him screaming at The Xbox
All they talk about is their favourite YouTubers

The difference is I love him unconditionally
And I want him to be happy
So I drown it out , or turn the volume down

He is 9 and that’s his hobby right now

I know you won’t want to hear this ! But if your partner is getting annoyed for him being a very normal child , I would NOT think about further entanglement
I would slow right down.

So if he’s moving out are you still going to carry on seeing each other as a couple? Or is it the end?

If he isn’t keen on your 9 year olds behaviour and habits now, how will he feel when that 9 year old is a teenager? They can be hard for even the most loving parent to live with!

Keep on seeing this man by all means, but I think you should return to living separately as soon as possible. Your son deserves to be accepted and liked in his own home. Stop trying to manage them into closeness. It will develop in time or it won’t. You manipulating things won’t help.

Btw I have teenage daughters and they are exactly the same re YouTube and Minecraft and I don’t get it either. Your son is typical of his age group.

Your DP is getting a lot of grief here, but it must be difficult for him. I’m in my late forties with no kids and children are like an alien species to me. When you become a parent the love you have for your child gives you a kind of super-power that makes things you would have previously found really, really boring or annoying appear interesting - or at least, tolerable. And you can even apply this super-power to other people’s children, even those of complete strangers. I’ve gone on trips to restaurants with mum-friends when kids on other tables are making an unbearable racket: they’re acting as if they can’t hear a thing while I’m seething.

I know that even with the superpower of fathomless parental love kids can be trying; without it they can be a huge challenge.

Hopefully, with a bit more space you can take things slowly, and your DP can build up the skills and confidence he needs, a little bit at a time. It’s tough for you, but you and your son come as a unit, and any DP of yours needs to be able to fully embrace that.

Sorry, just read your last update. I think you are being very stoical.

The joys of AIBU. And STILL people are coming on to give you a kicking because they CBA to read the thread. Or even just the updates. You've had a pretty turbulent 24 hours, and you must be feeling so hollow right now. But you've swiftly come to a decision, the best one for everybody. Don't kick yourself that you moved him in too soon, you've been through a lot, and times are strange. The important thing is that you did something about it as soon as you realised things were going wrong.Your DP needs time to himself to sort his head out, you and DS need your space back. People on here have seen the honesty of your OP as uncaring, and others just like to rip strangers apart. There have been done kind, wise, helpful posts along the way, I hope you'll be able to take something from them, ignore the bile. They don't know you.

@Headandheart

So if he’s moving out are you still going to carry on seeing each other as a couple? Or is it the end?

Not sure if it’s the end. Because yes like pps said I moved too quickly so perhaps if I took a step back and gave them to space they might get to know each other again and it could be okay. But I’m torn because what if he’s just never going to be compatible with our life in which case is it worth the effort. I think the answer might appear in the next few weeks when I see what he’s like again when he doesn’t live with us. I’m hoping the answer presents itself. If we don’t miss him....then might be clear

Well done you, Yorkshire!

Your son isnt a problem to fix. I think id ask your boyfriend to move back to his. I wouldnt expect my children to live in a house where they were disliked or made to feel like they were hard to like. You need to be more protective of him as these are crucial years

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing. Good luck.

Well, at least I’ll have my spare room back and I can turn it into an office. I gave him the space to work in and crammed my desk into my bedroom.

I love him, I really hope this is just a case of having to take several steps back to move forward (eventually). But I think I’ve accepted it’s okay if it’s not going to work like that.

Ah OP
I’ve just read all your posts
I’m sorry as this must feel very sad
But you made the right call
I wish you and your little minecraft lover the very very best

As a fellow single Mum I do think single
Parenting is much more happy when it’s just you
Sending

Sorry if you got shit kicked in this thread

OP you are a brilliant Mum. Your son will be overjoyed to have you back. If the relationship has legs it’ll work out. Dating is great, DP staying over is great. It’s how it should be at this stage. I have two children and much prefer not living with my boyfriend, it keeps the relationship fresh and I retain my independence. The best part is that my children remain no.1 in my life.

I hope your relationship works out with your DP, but if it doesn’t you’ve learned some really valuable stuff. Don’t beat yourself up I did similar in my last relationship. We’re not perfect and all have lessons to learn however old we are. 💐

Those things may be boring to you but your son is 9 and had interests, he's 9.

I find this very sad, my DC have ASD and talk about things obsessively but I listen because that's how I connect with them.

Just being honest your 'D'p would have been gone a long time ago, If he doesn't like my son he doesn't like me as we're a team.