to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

Sorry just read the update, I think you're doing the right thing. Children are yours for life, find a partner who understands this and wants to make a life with both of you.

You both deserve that.

Sorry didn’t see he update

I’m glad you have made the better decision for your son

You gave him your spare room to work while you work in the bedroom??
Why???

OP I agree that he sounds like a normal 9yo. And honestly he doesnt sound irritating, it's just that your dp has made you feel this way so that you also now have that view.
This relationship isnt going anywhere. Your dp already doesnt have a connection and dislikes him.
There is still the teenage tough years to come!!!
Your boy is so young, please dont bring people permanently in his life who is going to cause issues for him.
You jumped too fast with this man. A year and hes living with you and you were due to move in with him?
You should never ever ask how you can make someone like your child - put your child first.

OP my DH is Step Dad to DS14. Step parents generally can take a bit of a battering on here, and what works for one family won't work for the next. But DH has always accepted DS exactly as he is; he's never said "I'd love him if he was a little more x" or "I'd enjoy his company if he was a little less y". He just loves him. And that love means that DS has reciprocated and learned to love DH, too.

It's not easy, step parenting, but it also doesn't need to be as difficult as it sounds like it's been for you. If you do try again, go slowly and hold your partner up to the highest standards; your child needs to know that they are your priority. Loudly playing on the xbox and being interested in only children's stuff means that instead of expecting him to meet you with your interests, you have to learn about his. Ask him to teach you how to play the xbox, ask him to show you what he loves about it. Take an interest in what he's doing and what he wants to chat to you about.

Well, at least I’ll have my spare room back and I can turn it into an office. I gave him the space to work in and crammed my desk into my bedroom.

Why did you feel you had to do this OP? And why did he think it was acceptable to let you?! Honestly the more you say the worse he sounds. You can be a lovely mum to your lovely boy without being in a relationship with someone who is so difficult and demanding.

Now he's moving out, you may want to look into the Freedom Programme. It feels to me that you have made a lot of compromises to be in this relationship and have (literally) squeezed yourself and your DS into a corner to accommodate your boyfriend.

Quite apart from your son, what do you get out of the relationship?

Well done op. You've seen the relatively recent problem and done the best for your son.
Lockdown has affected us all in different ways. It sounds as if dp was struggling and that affected his motivation to bond with your ds. At least he acknowledged this was a problem. And together you've done the best thing to decide for him to move out.

One thing I will pick up on. Don't less ds get away with lying. That isn't acceptable. My bottom line was "i need to be able to trust you, like you need to trust me" and I gave big consequences for lying. Also if they told the truth over a misdemeanor the got less of a consequence than they would have done, purely because they owned up.

Kids can be really annoying even to their own parents, but because they are your flesh and blood, you love them regardless. It's difficult to really love other people's children if they haven't grown up with you.

I love my kids and will sit and play silly games with teddies (repeatedly) even though I'm bored, I still love it that DS2 loves it.

First off, no child living in a home where his dad is raping and abusing his mother is unaffected by that. Likewise, the process of you leaving. No matter how "protected" you think he was. It would have affected him the environment he was living in. Even tiny babies are affected by their mother being abused by her partner. That's not my opinion as an internet random, that's what evidence shows.

Secondly, the fact your ex was a rapist explains why you have such low standards and why you keep coming back with the "oh but he's such a nice guy" stuff about your new boyfriend. Even your rapist had good qualities at some point in time, and must still do if you're allowing him to see your child. So it's irrelevant in determining whether the bad qualities are to be accepted or not.

Your abuse means a) you're traumatised - trauma does not heal that fast and is not going to be healed and processed and ready to be disregarded as an element of your life by the time a course of CBT ends;

b) you have been conditioned to behave in appeasing ways - to value your partner's decisions, opinions and perceptions above your own;

c) you are using your rapist as your bar for unacceptable behaviour and comparing everyone you meet to him, rather than having an independent model of a healthy relationship and decent human behaviour to compare against - this is dangerous and leaves you in a position where you welcome new abusers into your life because all abusers are different, and one abuser in his luring-you-in-phase is not going to look the same as another abuser at the height of his escalation and overt abuse.

d) you talk about your new boyfriend as if he's your rescuer, rather than you being your own rescuer. It's normal after trauma to search for someone to take on the rescuing role in your life but it is not healthy to actually do it.

The past can't be overwritten, no matter how many "good" things you try to force into your life at unnatural rates to push it away. It's not like a computer memory where you can delete data by writing over the top of it. It does not work.

That's what makes it obvious you're still traumatised - trying to displace the trauma by forcing this relationship into the happily ever after situation you wanted your previous relationship to be (even that you could have been seriously intending to move, regardless of whether you now say you've paused that) is what traumatised people do. Your judgement is impaired.

@CodenameVillanelle

You gave him your spare room to work while you work in the bedroom?? Why???

Because he has to take private calls with patients

Sounds like he's had loads of your space - sound system, gym equipment, his own office in the spare room while you work in the bedroom (yet you say he's out working til 8pm in key worker role so not sure why he needs an office?) You finally get your house back which is a bonus.

I'm worried about your son. He's bullied at school and has to deal with this (silent) hostility at home. Where is his safe space. His stress levels must be through the roof. God help him if you move to the countryside, probably with poor wifi, when you've trained him up on Xbox and YouTube for years. Your son's needs aren't mentioned much in your post, that's concerning

@user135664323455

First off, no child living in a home where his dad is raping and abusing his mother is unaffected by that. Likewise, the process of you leaving. No matter how "protected" you think he was. It would have affected him the environment he was living in. Even tiny babies are affected by their mother being abused by her partner. That's not my opinion as an internet random, that's what evidence shows.

Secondly, the fact your ex was a rapist explains why you have such low standards and why you keep coming back with the "oh but he's such a nice guy" stuff about your new boyfriend. Even your rapist had good qualities at some point in time, and must still do if you're allowing him to see your child. So it's irrelevant in determining whether the bad qualities are to be accepted or not.

Your abuse means a) you're traumatised - trauma does not heal that fast and is not going to be healed and processed and ready to be disregarded as an element of your life by the time a course of CBT ends;

b) you have been conditioned to behave in appeasing ways - to value your partner's decisions, opinions and perceptions above your own;

c) you are using your rapist as your bar for unacceptable behaviour and comparing everyone you meet to him, rather than having an independent model of a healthy relationship and decent human behaviour to compare against - this is dangerous and leaves you in a position where you welcome new abusers into your life because all abusers are different, and one abuser in his luring-you-in-phase is not going to look the same as another abuser at the height of his escalation and overt abuse.

d) you talk about your new boyfriend as if he's your rescuer, rather than you being your own rescuer. It's normal after trauma to search for someone to take on the rescuing role in your life but it is not healthy to actually do it.

The past can't be overwritten, no matter how many "good" things you try to force into your life at unnatural rates to push it away. It's not like a computer memory where you can delete data by writing over the top of it. It does not work.

That's what makes it obvious you're still traumatised - trying to displace the trauma by forcing this relationship into the happily ever after situation you wanted your previous relationship to be (even that you could have been seriously intending to move, regardless of whether you now say you've paused that) is what traumatised people do. Your judgement is impaired.

I don’t know to learn from this though? Because I understand what you are saying but I don’t see it. To be clear that’s not me dismissing it but it’s the whole “I need to see it for myself”

I just don’t know what the right thing to do is and I’m constantly making mistakes.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You see the problem and are trying to solve it. My opinion: DP move out but see how things go, getting on as a three but for finite periods of time. See if they can build a relationship. But DP is the adult, it's up to him really.

@Graphista said it all. To read it again.

Your poor kid :( This is so sad. I can't believe you moved a man - who doesn't even like your child - into your home after being with him just 1 year. You genuinely need to get rid of him now before he really fucks your son up! He is NINE. DP expects him to come with subject matter suitable for adults so he doesn't get bored of minecraft!? PLEASE. I listen to my 6 year old talk about the different series of LOL dolls. Do you think I really give a shit? No. But she does, so I listen. In a few months, we'll probably be back to Lego which I find more enjoyable but it isn't about me! The partner needs to go. He needs to be with someone without a kid or an older one at least, and you need to not put men before your son. Sounds harsh, but it's so important and you need to make that decision now. He's still just a little boy. Be his mum.

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it

For goodness sake- read that back and take a long hard look at yourself. It isn't a 9 year old's job to entertain your boyfriend with "interesting talk"

And there isn't the slightest obligation on your 9 year old son to be interested in your boyfriend's hobbies.

What a dreadful attitude. He is your son- not a performing monkey to amuse the 2 of you.

I have read the thread, well done you sound lovely and a loving mum I wish you a happy future

I actually think your wording is very telling and a PP hit the nail on the head saying he's he's convinced you that the normal 9 year old stuff is annoying and a problem, when yes parents may well find it a bit of an irritant sometimes but in a totally different and affectionate way. You wrote that he doesn't talk to US about anything interesting. This is you subconsciously agreeing with your DP's totally unreasonable attitude to it because he's convinced you it's a fair opinion. Please keep your eyes wide open if you continue this relationship. I doubt he's the lovely man you think and agree the comparison bar is low

I think this is all very sad but you've come to see things how they really are. I've been with my partner for a year. He is younger than me, doesn't have kids of his own and has never been in a relationship with anyone with kids either, but he dotes on my sons. One of them is autistic and so his behaviour is often considered by others to be weird, but he doesn't see that.
I think having him move out is a good idea. It doesn't have to be a permanent break up and maybe you can start again from scratch when he's willing to put the effort in that your son deserves.
Maybe when he goes back to work full time and your son is back at school full time, it might be better if they're not together all the time.
Hope it works out for you OP.

You needing to see it for yourself is why I suggested the Freedom Programme. You need space and time to heal.

I'm with @GimmeAy completely. All the drama on here.

OP is with a man who clearly does want to make it work and is interested!
8/9 year olds are tedious. I've had a few of them! How can a man without kids come in and just get it all right straight from the get go. I get it wrong and I've been there. A lot!

Also, @Yorkshiremummyof1 is absolutely entitled to have a relationship. He isn't a bad guy! If he were he wouldn't be trying. FFS all the MNetters determined that being a mum involves wearing a hair shirt and putting your kids before absolutely everything else. I would get it if he were abusive.

Also, @Yorkshiremummyof1 is absolutely entitled to have a relationship. He isn't a bad guy! If he were he wouldn't be trying. FFS all the MNetters determined that being a mum involves wearing a hair shirt and putting your kids before absolutely everything else. I would get it if he were abusive.

Did you read the updates? OP said he needs to make more of an effort and he basically told her he can't be arsed at the moment! How do you know he's not a bad guy? Do you know him. Lots of red flags in OP's updates that he may well be less than lovely.

Also I have 2 DC, 7 and 10 and can think of many things to describe them but tedious is definitely not one of them - maybe that's your experience but definitely not everyone's