to think not everyone has to like my son, but my DP should try?

[Yorkshiremummyof1]

I’m after advice re step parenting and relationships between. DC and SP

Myself, DP, DS9 live in a rented house. DP and I have been together for a year and he previously got on well with my son.

The situation as it currently is, is that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with DS and finds him irritating. I understand this is for a few reasons.

DS watches YouTube too much and it’s actually annoying hearing him talk to the TV.

When he’s allowed to play on the XBOX he stands far too close and talks to it.

He can have an attitude, not a naughty one just sassy and know it all.

He has the worst selective hearing, he doesn’t acknowledge me when I ask him to do something. He doesn’t say okay, he has about a 5 second pause before he starts to do it so I often get irritated as I think he’s ignoring me, he’s not he’s just processing it. But it winds me and DP up

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it.

So these things annoy my DP and I think he has let them get to the point where he almost doesn’t like my son. I’ve explained to him that’s kinda a dealbreaker and we have discussed how lockdown might have affected it and how we could possibly start over. We’ve discussed how the same things wind me up, but he’s my child - I love him and I deal with the fact that I hate minecraft because DS loves it. Whereas DP has to want to choose this relationship if that makes sense?

The reason this is an issue is that we are considering moving to DPs house. He owns a lovely cottage in the country however it is smaller than my house, we would have less space and I think he is concerned about DS clicking that DP doesn’t enjoy spending time with him. He is upset that he feels this way and he doesn’t want DS to pick up on it. When DS has some problems with bullies, DP was upset for him but that emotional connection appears to have dimmed a bit, I pointed out they haven’t had a cuddle in a while and DP was visibly upset.

My counter to all this was.

YouTube is a pile of shit but instead of complaining he watches too much we should give him a set day he can watch it and we should encourage other things he can watch. Ideally he wouldn’t watch too much TV but admittedly for the two hours between end of school and me finishing work, I need him to be occupied. But don’t complain about HIS choice of TV when you as the adult have the power to change that.

XBOX - nothing I say will keep him from getting so close to the TV. Deal with it

Attitude - so I actually think that DS is trying to connect with DP. When he’s sassy to me at the dinner table I think he’s got his guard up. He’s totally different with just me, but I’m his mum and I love him unconditionally. The way he is round DP is similar to how I’ve seen him at school where he’s still settling in. I don’t know how to “fix” this

Selective hearing, I think it’s an age thing and perhaps I could change how I request DS to do something.

Talking to DP about boring things. This is so bloody obvious. He’s talking to DP about stuff that DS knows about because he’s trying to connect!! Is asked DP if he offered a topic to talk about and he blanked. So...do things with DS that DP enjoys and maybe....you’ll find common ground.

The problem is that DP has expected the relationship to magically grow with no effort. I understand why he’s thought this as his only experience with kids has been his god children and he has a really good relationship. Meeting a child aged 8 and being essentially forced to have a relationship is different.

I’d like some advice on how we can both work on fostering a healthy relationship as a trio. I knows my parental failings. Is it just a case of doing some activities with DS that DP likes? How do I navigate the sassy attitude where I think DS defences are up? I worry that the damage is done and DP will never “like” DS and even if he tried to hide it children are intuitive and so as a mother I’d have to end the relationship as DS comes first.

We’ve put moving to DPs on hold until we’re at A place that we think they have a relationship that could work. I don’t want to put DS through the mill, I need to protect him from harm because that’s my job and I love him to the moon and back.

@DidoLamenting

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon. It’s so hard to feign interest and it’s pretty obvious. I am being blunt, I just think it’s easier that sugarcoating it

For goodness sake- read that back and take a long hard look at yourself. It isn't a 9 year old's job to entertain your boyfriend with "interesting talk"

And there isn't the slightest obligation on your 9 year old son to be interested in your boyfriend's hobbies.

What a dreadful attitude. He is your son- not a performing monkey to amuse the 2 of you.

Sincerely jog on.

AS I HAVE SAID I was describing the boyfriends attitude. If you read the thread you’d understand my reasoning for why I described it in that manner.

AS I HAVE SAID I play fortnite and Minecraft with DS, I read books to him that are not the sort of thing as an adult I’d read for myself because I love him. If you’re going to pass judgment read the entire thread.

I did not say DS has to like DPs hobbies: I said instead of boyfriend complaining that DS talked to him about stuff he didn’t like, why didn’t he find common ground for them both. Ie boyfriend putting the hard work in and not the 9 year old child. Flipping Nora.

To reiterate.

My child is my fucking world and I have already taken the necessary steps to bring us back to what should be a healthy normality. I will date the boyfriend outside of that and we will slowly see if they can form a relationship. If not, now I know what to expect, I shall tell him to sling his hook in someone else’s duck pond (preferably someone without any ducklings)

Thank you those who have given me constructive criticism and feedback, it has helped. I will check out the freedom programme etc. I’ll let you know how we get on once boyfriend has left and DS and I are chilling on our lonesome.

OP your boy sounds exactly like my 9yo. I think you’ve done the right thing and you sound like a lovely mum, who has ended up in a difficult situation. You’re only human. Enjoy your quality time with your DS x

Everything @Graphista said.

Backpedal, and wait till things are back to normal-ish post-Covid. If you still feel the same about your DP in a year or so, then think about moving in together but do NOT move into DP's home. If it all goes wrong, you'd have nowhere to go.

However, I'd also advise trying to think how tough things might get in a few years' time when your DS is awash with hormones and rebellion and locking horns with your DP. If they're not getting along well now, wtf will they be like then?

@kerosene20

OP your boy sounds exactly like my 9yo. I think you’ve done the right thing and you sound like a lovely mum, who has ended up in a difficult situation. You’re only human. Enjoy your quality time with your DS x

Yes and I accept that some of that is my own doing and I shall learn from it (I hope). I’m looking forward to getting DS back tonight and I am 100% having takeaway pizza because he loves it

Hello again. I am responding to your comment to me that you did not see your opening post as negative. You used words like ‘annoying’, ‘irritating’, ‘mind-numbing boring shit’ to describe how you felt about aspects of his behaviour and how your DP felt. These are very negative comments.

The fact that you love your DS, all the wonderful things you do with him to make your lives work shines through in your later posts, but my reaction to the opening one was sadness. I actually don’t think that is the way you really view your DS, I think it was coming from someone else’s words and having to try to manage their feelings as well.

I also do not think you should be vilified for trying to have a relationship. Good grief, when divorce was liberalised in the 1970s, part of the reason was because the government believed that single parents would re-marry and re-constituted families would be better socially. There was a lot of stigma being a single parent and there is still a lot of pressure to be in a couple, and of course in the old days part of that was financial. You have done really well to leave an abusive situation and get back on your feet (I am not meaning to be patronising, I know it is hard) and even better, you have recognised when a new relationship is not working.

You sound like a very caring person who wanted to see the best in your DP and gave him every opportunity, but without the same coming back from him, you are right it is not going to work right now with living together. Time will tell if and when it does work.

I hope you have a lovely summer

@KatySun

Hello again. I am responding to your comment to me that you did not see your opening post as negative. You used words like ‘annoying’, ‘irritating’, ‘mind-numbing boring shit’ to describe how you felt about aspects of his behaviour and how your DP felt. These are very negative comments.

The fact that you love your DS, all the wonderful things you do with him to make your lives work shines through in your later posts, but my reaction to the opening one was sadness. I actually don’t think that is the way you really view your DS, I think it was coming from someone else’s words and having to try to manage their feelings as well.

I also do not think you should be vilified for trying to have a relationship. Good grief, when divorce was liberalised in the 1970s, part of the reason was because the government believed that single parents would re-marry and re-constituted families would be better socially. There was a lot of stigma being a single parent and there is still a lot of pressure to be in a couple, and of course in the old days part of that was financial. You have done really well to leave an abusive situation and get back on your feet (I am not meaning to be patronising, I know it is hard) and even better, you have recognised when a new relationship is not working.

You sound like a very caring person who wanted to see the best in your DP and gave him every opportunity, but without the same coming back from him, you are right it is not going to work right now with living together. Time will tell if and when it does work.

I hope you have a lovely summer

No it’s not my words at all and I felt if I sugarcoated it then it would be drip feeding. Writing at 3am is not conducive to clarity!

You as well x

Glad you’ve acted decisively on this, and the first few pages were awful, MN at its worst. everyone enjoying a pile on the OP to give a kicking.

We live and learn, but unfortunately your young son has been the one to suffer here.
I am glad you have taken the constructive advice given on here. Your partner is probably relieved I imagine that it is now all out in the open and he can go quietly so to speak.
I brought up 2 teenage boys on my own and despite having a couple of relationships it was never my intention to move someone else in to our home and cause further upheaval to their lives. It is quite possible to keep the two separate and it was easy to do what was best for my children.
As far as your son's interests go I would suggest doing more things outdoors with him, go places and limit screen time.

OP, don’t let the worst of the MN brigade trigger you, they love piling on & giving a good kicking. Ignore, don’t respond, they’ll find someone else to vent at soon enough 😆.

@crimsonlake

We live and learn, but unfortunately your young son has been the one to suffer here. I am glad you have taken the constructive advice given on here. Your partner is probably relieved I imagine that it is now all out in the open and he can go quietly so to speak. I brought up 2 teenage boys on my own and despite having a couple of relationships it was never my intention to move someone else in to our home and cause further upheaval to their lives. It is quite possible to keep the two separate and it was easy to do what was best for my children. As far as your son's interests go I would suggest doing more things outdoors with him, go places and limit screen time.

We’re quite outdoorsy, having the dog helped! He’s decided he wants to climb Pennyghent but I’m not sure he’s up to it without practicing first!

Does no-one else feel sorry for the DP here as well? He comes home from working all day in a stressful job and everyone else here expects him to watch what a 9 year old wants on TV, take him out somewhere and play a game with him?

Granted he could just move back to his cottage which is what I'd be doing if I were him.

@Candyfloss99

Does no-one else feel sorry for the DP here as well? He comes home from working all day in a stressful job and everyone else here expects him to watch what a 9 year old wants on TV, take him out somewhere and play a game with him?

Granted he could just move back to his cottage which is what I'd be doing if I were him.

Er... no?

He’s in a relationship and living with (or was) with a woman with a young child.

That’s the deal. If he doesn’t want it then he needs to move on.

He doesn’t have to be his parent but he needs to be kind, engaged and a positive presence in his life. You can’t ignore a child and then be pissed you don’t have a good relationship with them.

@Candyfloss99

Does no-one else feel sorry for the DP here as well? He comes home from working all day in a stressful job and everyone else here expects him to watch what a 9 year old wants on TV, take him out somewhere and play a game with him?

Granted he could just move back to his cottage which is what I'd be doing if I were him.

He’s going back today - and that’s why I’ve been understanding to a degree. I do see how it must be stressful trying to bond with a child and manage a stressful job during a pandemic.

He’s going back today - and that’s why I’ve been understanding to a degree. I do see how it must be stressful trying to bond with a child and manage a stressful job during a pandemic

I hope you can start again when the pandemic is over and your partner can get to know your son slowly. It sounds like your DP is overwhelmed by it all which is understandable.

Jumping in late but throughout the whole first pages was thinking

“Where is this child’s father in all this?”

“Why is the OP putting so much pressure on her partner to love her son & force a stepfather role ? “

I note the OP made comments to the boyfriend that she hadn’t seen them cuddling on the couch much - that read as quite odd & pushy. Things like teaching him to ride bikes etc are very fatherly type ways to engage - this relationship is 1 year old & already living together!

It feels like it’s all moving way too fast & I don’t blame the boyfriend for feeling like he isn’t connected to your son - You haven’t been together long & it sounds like he has some screen time behavioural issues, plus a lack of “family tv & talking time” - his world is small because it’s been designed that way.

I really don’t think the answer here is for the adults to start playing mine craft & Pokémon - I think that is really centring yourself around your kids to an unhealthy degree. They don’t need to rule the roost ! If you want him to engage in more mature conversation then treating him like one may be better than reducing yourself to playing Pokémon. That’s kind of moving backwards, but that is my personal view.

I think it would be utter madness to even contemplate moving to the boyfriend’s country cottage. The OP as his mother will be in a much more secure position if she retains ownership/leaseholder of her property - the boyfriend does not have kids, moving into his house leaves them in a precarious position. Also presumably the child would. Have to change schools & is now living under the roof of someone who only tolerates him.

I am getting a sense of the child’s wants being out first but not their actual needs being prioritised - a permissive parenting type which lets him sit an inch from a screen because he wants to, but isn’t considering the problems of introducing a male & forcing him into a father role when he may leave, which would upset her son.

He's a 9 year old child ffs. I feel so sorry for him.

Why not do something outside like camping or hiking ect.

There's a million interesting things to do that don't involve a screen of any description.
Kids these days sadly are more interested in viewing the world through a screen and not their own eyes.

MN have made it really easy to read OP's posts now.

Some people should give it a try.

Well done OP. Hope it works out for you all.

I have now,

You're doing a great job as a mum op.

Kind regards 🙂

@vikingwife

Jumping in late but throughout the whole first pages was thinking

“Where is this child’s father in all this?”

“Why is the OP putting so much pressure on her partner to love her son & force a stepfather role ? “

I note the OP made comments to the boyfriend that she hadn’t seen them cuddling on the couch much - that read as quite odd & pushy. Things like teaching him to ride bikes etc are very fatherly type ways to engage - this relationship is 1 year old & already living together!

It feels like it’s all moving way too fast & I don’t blame the boyfriend for feeling like he isn’t connected to your son - You haven’t been together long & it sounds like he has some screen time behavioural issues, plus a lack of “family tv & talking time” - his world is small because it’s been designed that way.

I really don’t think the answer here is for the adults to start playing mine craft & Pokémon - I think that is really centring yourself around your kids to an unhealthy degree. They don’t need to rule the roost ! If you want him to engage in more mature conversation then treating him like one may be better than reducing yourself to playing Pokémon. That’s kind of moving backwards, but that is my personal view.

I think it would be utter madness to even contemplate moving to the boyfriend’s country cottage. The OP as his mother will be in a much more secure position if she retains ownership/leaseholder of her property - the boyfriend does not have kids, moving into his house leaves them in a precarious position. Also presumably the child would. Have to change schools & is now living under the roof of someone who only tolerates him.

I am getting a sense of the child’s wants being out first but not their actual needs being prioritised - a permissive parenting type which lets him sit an inch from a screen because he wants to, but isn’t considering the problems of introducing a male & forcing him into a father role when he may leave, which would upset her son.

They don’t cuddle on the sofa anymore, not much. They used to, it stopped.

I don’t expect him to love my son, but to find out he doesn’t particularly want to spend any time with him is pretty earth shattering. He doesn’t want to make any effort. That is an issue.

We both have been teaching him how to ride as we are both keen cyclists. Him learning to ride meant we could all go out together. Seems pretty logical to me.

I don’t allow him to sit close to the television. He slowly migrates his way forwards

@Gobbycop

He's a 9 year old child ffs. I feel so sorry for him.

Why not do something outside like camping or hiking ect.

There's a million interesting things to do that don't involve a screen of any description.
Kids these days sadly are more interested in viewing the world through a screen and not their own eyes.

Funnily enough were camping in the back garden hopefully this weekend with the dog before I drive him up to my mums. I’ve never pitched a tent and I’m also not calling on the boyfriend to help

What’s worrying here is you don’t seem to have that fierce protection to your Son.

Like when you can slag your Mum off with your Sister all day long but if you’re partner joins in it’s a total no no... that kind of thing.

I can say my Sons boring and annoying but nobody else can.

I don’t know why this thing exists but you don’t seem to have it!?

I don't know if this is salvageable quite honestly. 8 year olds are weird and annoying and certainly sometimes my own son got on my nerves at that age.
My stepfather clearly didn't like me and when my mother wasn't around wouldn't even talk to me I had to stay in my bedroom and was totally shunned.
I would say I'm only half a person now at 58, I isolate myself as I tend to feel nobody will like me and have very low self esteem. My potential as a person was really lost because of this and I've never recovered. My life has been very difficult.

5th 6 months IF all the above has gone ok MAYBE move in together at this stage AFTER discussing with the children - not necessarily asking their permission but gauging their reaction,

I agree with everything @Graphista says but would go as far to say that we SHOULD ask our children's permission. Your child should ALWAYS come first and he/she will not say no without reason.

DS doesn’t talk to us about anything interesting or something that DP enjoys, its mind numbing boring shit like minecraft or pokemon.

I know this is going back to the beginnin, but maybe your DS finds your dps interests mind numbing, boring shit 🤷. It's not really up to the child to make the effort with the adult. Your do sound really selfish. To actively not like a child for acting like any other 9 year old is weird.

I personally think you should just finish it off. Not sure why you are going to waste time to 'see' if they build a bond again.
The ugly part of this relationship has come out - he dislikes your son. How can you ever want to try with him having that knowledge?

I think you did the right thing asking him to leave and that's going to be huge for your ds. But seeing him on the side is also going to confuse your ds.
I'm also pretty sure your ds knows this man doesnt like him. Dont confuse your ds.
There are many , many good men out there. One of them will love your ds.
Take the time to work on yourself, boundaries, and your relationship with your ds. Wishing you the best.