AIB a spoilt brat, or are my parents crazy? Or both?

[Oakmaiden]

I haven't seen my parents since February. I do miss them, but if I am completely honest it is not unusual for me not to see them between Feb half term and the summer holidays, as we are often busy during Easter and May half term, and they live about 4 hours drive away. Now that I am allowed to drive more than 5 miles (I live in Wales) they are very keen for me to travel down and stay with them for a few days.

But.

My dad has a lung disease, and is still shielding. So if I go down to stay I will not be allowed in the house at all. I will sleep in a tent in the garden, use an outside bucket and tap to wash and will use a porta potty in the shed for the "necessaries". All food and socialising will be done outside.

I could live with the tent, and if it is only a couple of days I could live with the tap and bucket, but the portapotty is the thing of nightmares. I am, and always have been, really funny about toilets. And I have a complete phobia about spiders and long legged insects (I am better than I was, but it is still there). That said, I do go camping and the facilities there are sometimes not the nicest (understatement). I get around this by using supermarket toilets/pub toilets during the day and evening, and only using the campsite toilet in an absolute emergency. And it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I do do it.

I have said I am going to wait until I can go in the house and use their loo before I come down. And they are disappointed. And I feel like a right prima donna. But I also know that the whole toilet thing will genuinely make me really uncomfortable and possibly give me actual nightmares. (Yes, I do have nightmares about having to use unpleasant toilets. Go figure.)

Am I being a right brat?

@Oakmaiden

Why do you have to suggest to your parents that you’ll stay in a b&b? Why can’t you just say “I’ll stay in a b&b

Honestly? There is a small part of me that hopes if I suggest it they will say "Oh, my dear, you can't spend all that money on a hotel. Maybe we can work out a way for you to use the proper toilet in our house" - or even "Would you like us to help you pay for the hotel"...

Though the latter is very unlikely! I am not going to ask for either, but I thought I might give them the chance to offer...

My God, that's very tight of you. You'd take money from your sick Dad? You're an adult, you should pay your own way.

This sounds like hell. And my childhood. YANBU

@HappyHammy

If you must go then stay in a hotel if you can . Who wants to wash in cold water and poo in the shed. What happens if its raining or windy. I would wait until shielding advice changed.

poo in the shed... this made me chuckle op this sounds grim. if we'd known a year ago that this is the situation we would now be in...

We have been a shielding family (my husband, also lung and immunosuppressed super high risk). Like him/us, your parents are being cautious, but it is a question of balance. On 1 August the shielding officially ends, whether or not you/they/we agree with this. Speaking as the wife of a shielder, I can see the worry this brings to him and the mental adjustment that has to happen over time. And the virus is still in circulation. In practical terms, if you have been living lockdown life as "new normal", i.e. being quite social more recently since the easing, visiting shops/pubs/others, then you are higher risk to them. If you've been more conservative (small c) all the way through and still are, then you are lower risk and should be able to stay over in the house, maintaining distance and cleaning up after yourself. In 10 days time I will be taking our DC to visit their grandparents and staying in the house overnight; my husband will be staying put here to carry on WFH. Grandparents also have been shielding, so mutually, both sides should be OK. Most importantly, it should be a joint decision and that some acceptance time may be needed. The most important thing here is the health, love and trust of both sides - the right and wrong is for both sides to work out. Good luck.

I just popped in to say I used to have toilet nightmares when camping. I used to properly psych myself up before having a poo. I'm much better now but I wouldn't be able to use a portaloo.
(Apologies if there's been an update. I haven't rtft, but will now )

I cdn't sleep in a tent let alone use a bucket. I agree with whoever said to stay overnight somewhere and see them outside the next day as it is a long drive. To not let you use the loo is ridiculous, masked and sanitised for once or twice to the loo and a lunch outside must be perfectly safe. I kept my downstairs loo for friends who had the time to visit me in the garden. Good luck you are obviously a caring daughter who is doing her best. M

I will never going camping

YANBU and your parents expect way too much, potty training or not.

I would love to see my rents but there's zero chance of me living in a tent and pissing in a bucket.

Facetime them.

This is so silly, why don’t you and your family isolate for a week before you visit not stopping for petrol then you can go inside. Every 2 weeks we have to stay with MIL as she needs 24hr care. We swap with SIL and both isolate a week before going in to look after her for 2 weeks. It means we only have 1 week free a month but it’s kept her safe.

The cases of covid have been low in Wales it would be easier to get tested than go through all that hassle. If they are being that strict then they need to face up to not seeing you much.

Stay in a Hotel and pay for it yourself. You are an adult. Your parents are a bit odd to suggest what they’ve suggested

My folks also live a good 4 hour drive away. I haven't seen them since October. I'll not be driving to visit if it involves staying in a tent! YANBU

I’ve grown up camping so it wouldn’t be a big thing for me. Plus I would go anywhere and do anything if it allows me to see my parents. But they are my best friends.

Premier inns are open so B and B 's must be too? I'd look into that.

Premier inns are open so B and B 's must be too? I'd look into that.

Premier inns are open so B and B 's must be too? I'd look into that.

and what if it rains all the time? Where would you eat and socialise then?

Parents being daft, I'm afraid.

Can you really not afford hotel OP or do you just not want to spend the money? I cant tell from your posts. If it's more the case that you see it as a waste of money I wiums reframe that in your mind; its allowing you to see your parents therefore not a waste. Its not like you just threw it away on shoes or something! If you genuinely cant afford it, ignore this post.

*would reframe

I totally get how much your parents must miss you, my parents live abroad and I haven't seen them since January. In her desperation to see us she was frantically trying to get flights to come here regardless off the risk. What I had to do was gently say that her health is so important and it would be awful if she got poorly. Waiting a little longer is better than losing then due to taking a big risk. Sometimes we have to parent our parents a little bit lol

Are you in a position to hire a small camper van for the duration?

Pleased you’ve found a solution, enjoy your visit x

It depends.

You have.your.own family to.take care of. I'd stick to that until it's a bit safer, and you can at least use the facilities!

Now I don't know if your parents have a second toilet, that you alone could use? If so, use it! Rules being ... When you enter the house, as you walk through, they are in a different room even if it means they go to their bedroom.
As you walk through, hold a antibac wipe, and use it to open doors etc. Wipe down the facilities after use, and place antibac wipes in a doggy bag for disposal (the outside bin!).

You'd have hated my old chapple (long story) as not only was it an outside toilet, with lots of.crawlies, there was no light! So winter time the toilet roll was ALWAYS damp to touch! Best thing about no light, is you can't see the crawlies hehehe

As a kid I hated it, but needs must... I found.out yes later, the adults would use the toilet in the little house attached to the chapple where the caretaker lived. FFS! lol

If you eat and socialise outside, couldn’t you use a B and B ?

I have a very similar problem. Partner and I are social distancing for a week before driving up. We plan to stay in the house, but be careful to use separate toilet and own cutlery etc.

If for some reason we have to break our weeks planned isolation, we do have a tent. Portaloo wouldn’t phase me to much if I was only one using it.

I am so very lucky and thankful every day for the fact that we have a loo and a shower downstairs off the utility. My daughter would have lost her job if she hadn't gone back as required on 4th July.
She keeps to the downstairs facilities and I use the upstairs bathroom. True that she can't have a bath and I can't have a shower but it's a small price to keep me shielded. If your parents don't have two loos then wait until your df has stopped shielding. It's horrible to have to use a porta potty in a shed.