AIB a spoilt brat, or are my parents crazy? Or both?

[Oakmaiden]

I haven't seen my parents since February. I do miss them, but if I am completely honest it is not unusual for me not to see them between Feb half term and the summer holidays, as we are often busy during Easter and May half term, and they live about 4 hours drive away. Now that I am allowed to drive more than 5 miles (I live in Wales) they are very keen for me to travel down and stay with them for a few days.

But.

My dad has a lung disease, and is still shielding. So if I go down to stay I will not be allowed in the house at all. I will sleep in a tent in the garden, use an outside bucket and tap to wash and will use a porta potty in the shed for the "necessaries". All food and socialising will be done outside.

I could live with the tent, and if it is only a couple of days I could live with the tap and bucket, but the portapotty is the thing of nightmares. I am, and always have been, really funny about toilets. And I have a complete phobia about spiders and long legged insects (I am better than I was, but it is still there). That said, I do go camping and the facilities there are sometimes not the nicest (understatement). I get around this by using supermarket toilets/pub toilets during the day and evening, and only using the campsite toilet in an absolute emergency. And it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I do do it.

I have said I am going to wait until I can go in the house and use their loo before I come down. And they are disappointed. And I feel like a right prima donna. But I also know that the whole toilet thing will genuinely make me really uncomfortable and possibly give me actual nightmares. (Yes, I do have nightmares about having to use unpleasant toilets. Go figure.)

Am I being a right brat?

My parents are shielding and I have used the toilet in their house!

OP, do they only have 1 toilet in the house?

If there is more than one, surely you could just use one of them exclusively while you are there, then disinfect it completely before you leave.

Or get a test a couple of days before you go.

They sound crazy. There is no way I would do this. Stay in a hotel.

That's a bizarre resolution OP

Look. I'm shielding and have already been in and out of hospital with respiratory failure on oxygen several times over past 7 months. My DCs joke that they know we haven't caught or been exposed to corinavirus yet 'as Mum would be dead and you're still alive Mum... ' - (it's like I'm their caged canary in the coal mine! 🤣)

Yet, I would let my adult DD who's been careful use my loo or she stayed over. Porta potty and washing from a hose is ridiculous

• I get the camping outside or hotel for staying over rather than sleeping and spending time inside their house, but the rest is just mean.

I've let the odd DC friend use my downstairs toilet when needed if they were in garden doing school project / social distant meeting up in tiny group together. The toilet has simply been thoroughly been disinfected and aired by them afterwards and then cleaned thoroughly by my older DC for me. All doors left open to garden to reduce any viral load (not that anyone has been symptomatic) and shut to where I am. I imagine you're going so you can sit at a 2 m distance from your parents in the garden. Just keep bowls of disinfect to double wash your hands and keep wiping down things you touch.

Shielding finishes on 31st July so come after then. Life goes back to normal at some point and your Dad sounds active & out usually so he'll be out and about again getting slightly exposed, like I will.

Let's hope us canaries stay alive 😁

Just as an aside, I watched a hypnotist session on TV some years ago where you 'made fun of your fears' and were shown a little cartoon of a silly spider with big boots on. It worked! I no longer hear the Jaws music in my head when I see one, and I can pick.up small ones and get big ones into a glass to put them outside.

Of course I meant to write this (as typo changed the meaning)

Yet, I would let my adult DD who's been careful use my loo IF she stayed over (not OR she ..)

@Oakmaiden

Why don’t you gave a Covid test the day before you’re going down, then isolate. That way you’ll be covid free!

There is a complete other discussion. The chances of me actually having covid are minisule. I shop via click and collect, haven't had to go out to work and haven't socialised with anyone. The only member of my family who conceivably might catch it currently is my son, as he is the one who tends to pop to the corner shop for bread and milk and has been to school 3 times in the past fortnight.

So he (my dad) is at no greater risk of catching it from me if I visit and use their loo than he has of catching it when popping in to the corner shop in 3 months time when he is no longer shielding. As there will always be a tiny risk until there is a successful vaccine. But I am not going to argue with hime about it. It is his decision.

And besides, imagine I argued, got them to give in and then he managed to catch it in the next few weeks (from me or elsewhere). I would never forgive myself.

Shielding finishes on 31st July in England, i.e. just under 3 weeks, not in 3 months time! Therefore from 1st August your dad won’t be shielding, so I would probably wait and visit after that.

I agree it is still bizarre, and I am not 100% comfortable with the resolution. But they have made it clear that they are very very eager for me to visit as soon as possible, and I feel it would be churlish in the extreme to tell my dad "No, you are too old to camp in the garden".

Bizarrely, none of us were aware dad had a "serious lung condition" until he got the letter telling him to shield. I mean, he was ill a few years ago, but we all (he included) thought that was all over and done with. So he is not an "ill old man" despite having a serious (Covid interaction wise) condition and being in his 70s.

Very unfair of them, you could wear a mask and hand wash using inside toilets etc. Btw what happens if it rains all the time while you are there?
I would book a hotel or cottage just in case or wait for a while .

Shielding finishes on 31st July in England, i.e. just under 3 weeks, not in 3 months time! Therefore from 1st August your dad won’t be shielding, so I would probably wait and visit after that.

Yes, I understand that. I just meant that the situation regarding Covid will be the same In 3 months as it is in 3 weeks as it is today. Regardless of the Gvt rules or otherwise. The personal risk if he catches it will not change. But let's face it - the shielding rules are there to protect the healthcare system from having to look after vulnerable people with Covid, not actually to safeguard them as individuals.

What are you going to do when it rains? Are they going to go inside to watch tv, while you sit in your tent?! I would say I'll come when the hotels reopen, so I have somewhere to wash and keep dry.

Have you tried offering some long sociable Zoom sessions? That way they see your DC too. I would hate to have to camp.

Bizarrely, none of us were aware dad had a "serious lung condition" until he got the letter telling him to shield

Get him to have a chat with his GP. A lot of letters were sent out early on that didn't necessarily go to the right people - some high risk people were missed and others were unnecessarily panicked. All the letters were basically done off computer codes.

Given he is otherwise a v fit person who can walk out on the moors, he needs an individual assessment of his risk.

Also the shielding rules were not there to protect the NHS, that was lockdown - they were to protect the v vulnerable people from dying. There is no expectation that people with health conditions live the rest of their lives shielded, they'd all go insane.

I originally said YANBU , however having read all the updates you and your family are obviously completely bizarre . If your father doesn’t know why he’s shielding he should have asked , and if at 70+ he’s fit enough to camp out then he likely doesn’t need to be shielding anyway . The whole situation and resolution is utter madness .

They have already formed a support bubble with my sister and her children. Although when they go over (which is often - they live very close) they use the portapotty and don't go in the house.

If they don't go in the house it's not a support bubble. Very odd all round.

Just use a n95 mask to go toilet inside if they are being that extreme seems cheapest work around

I agree with the other PPs. Your parents are most bizarre.

Really just wait until 31 July before you visit. It is 3 weeks away. Camp in the garden if you must, sit out in garden to chat but fgs use the loo and hot water inside, just take extra precautions and don't share hand towels, disinfect afterwards.

This makes no sense at all- if your dad is really so ill and so vulnerable, how on earth did he not know about his serious lung condition???

How can you have such a serious condition and not know about it? This is nonsense really. Either this condition is so mild that he doesnt get any symptoms or his letter is a mistake (lots of letters have been sent out to the wrong people). Either way I cant see any reason here for him to be so paranoid about his health if he didnt even know his lungs had an issue!

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

This makes no sense at all- if your dad is really so ill and so vulnerable, how on earth did he not know about his serious lung condition???

How can you have such a serious condition and not know about it? This is nonsense really. Either this condition is so mild that he doesnt get any symptoms or his letter is a mistake (lots of letters have been sent out to the wrong people). Either way I cant see any reason here for him to be so paranoid about his health if he didnt even know his lungs had an issue!

I would check that he actually has a serious condition, and ask the GP to confirm? If he really has this condition surely he would know ?

They have already formed a support bubble with my sister and her children. Although when they go over (which is often - they live very close) they use the portapotty and don't go in the house.

Surely a support bubble is where you live together, not separately? Just get a hotel unless you can’t afford it.

This is bizarre. Your dad is unwell with lung disease but he is happy to sleep in a tent and go to the bathroom using a portaloo in the shed rather than be in the house with you? Even though you are to stay in the house so will be touching all the surfaces etc

I couldn't do this. I really think you should find a hotel or stay at your sisters .

Photofinish Technician for Welsh Athletics
That is the best job I've read on here in a long time! I salute you, regardless of BU/NBU

No, you're not being unreasonable at all!

It's unfortunate that your dad is shielding, but there's absolutely no way you should be expected to camp in the garden and shit in a bucket!

At the very least, your parents should be helping you find a hotel that's open, or an AirBNB, for those few nights. Otherwise, don't go. It's sad, but their expectation is completely unreasonable.

@Cherrysoup

They have already formed a support bubble with my sister and her children. Although when they go over (which is often - they live very close) they use the portapotty and don't go in the house.

Surely a support bubble is where you live together, not separately? Just get a hotel unless you can’t afford it.

No. The very idea of the support bubble is to allow two households to mingle. It doesn't mean they have to move in together. It means they can go to each others homes and freely mingle, and stay overnight if they wish.

Sounds like your dad got the shielding letter by mistake. They definitely have sent letters to the wrong people and some people who should have got one didn't.

My parents are in their 90's. Mum really healthy for her age, dad has type 2 diabetes, had cancer last year and has a few other health problems. Mum got a letter saying she should shield, dad didn't!

😂