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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIB a spoilt brat, or are my parents crazy? Or both?

212 replies

Oakmaiden · 11/07/2020 10:22

I haven't seen my parents since February. I do miss them, but if I am completely honest it is not unusual for me not to see them between Feb half term and the summer holidays, as we are often busy during Easter and May half term, and they live about 4 hours drive away. Now that I am allowed to drive more than 5 miles (I live in Wales) they are very keen for me to travel down and stay with them for a few days.

But.

My dad has a lung disease, and is still shielding. So if I go down to stay I will not be allowed in the house at all. I will sleep in a tent in the garden, use an outside bucket and tap to wash and will use a porta potty in the shed for the "necessaries". All food and socialising will be done outside.

I could live with the tent, and if it is only a couple of days I could live with the tap and bucket, but the portapotty is the thing of nightmares. I am, and always have been, really funny about toilets. And I have a complete phobia about spiders and long legged insects (I am better than I was, but it is still there). That said, I do go camping and the facilities there are sometimes not the nicest (understatement). I get around this by using supermarket toilets/pub toilets during the day and evening, and only using the campsite toilet in an absolute emergency. And it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I do do it.

I have said I am going to wait until I can go in the house and use their loo before I come down. And they are disappointed. And I feel like a right prima donna. But I also know that the whole toilet thing will genuinely make me really uncomfortable and possibly give me actual nightmares. (Yes, I do have nightmares about having to use unpleasant toilets. Go figure.)

Am I being a right brat?

OP posts:
xolotltezcatlopoca · 11/07/2020 13:07

It's other way round for us, but my dc has severe allergy to some pets, and we never go into the in lows house with pets. We always get hotel/cottage to stay near them and meet them outside.

crosseyedMary · 11/07/2020 13:08

Your parents are suffering and they want you to suffer too
Nice🙄

TheTrollFairy · 11/07/2020 13:18

I wouldn’t do either. I don’t have money to just spend on a hotel and i have a thing about using toilets, I will happily sit at work for 9 hours, dehydrated so I don’t have to use the toilet all day (pre covid). No chance of me using a portapotty

SummerHeating0n · 11/07/2020 13:22

Depending if you don't have to work
If you have the time & money

You could turn this into a mini break
Stay in hotel, spend some time visiting your family & friends. Spend some time doing your own thing

If you have no time or money, continue the communication via phone, Skype, email etc

You don't HAVE to go & visit !

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/07/2020 13:26

It sounds like some sort of back to the 1920’s weekend. Would you have to dress in costume & eat bread with dripping?.

Yanbu.

rwalker · 11/07/2020 13:27

@alsohuman
Seriously? Eight hours in a car for a four hour visit? No bloody way. A hotel’s the way to go.

because everyone doesn't have then money or feel safe in hotels

SauvignonBlanche · 11/07/2020 13:36

I’d just wait until the 1st of August when shielding is being lifted.
DH and are are going for a trip then.

MimiLaRue · 11/07/2020 13:39

Your parents are being absolutely ridiculous expecting you to do this.
Just wait until hotels are open again FGS. Its not much longer now.
No way would I be sleeping outside in the current weather we're having, and washing with cold water and a bucket? lol eff off!

If they enjoy camping so much, why cant THEY camp in your garden?

MimiLaRue · 11/07/2020 13:42

they are concerned about my father's health, and I respect that

Which is fine. So dont go! You can respect someone's health without washing in cold water and sleeping in the rain. I think the phrase "You dont have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm" applies here.

1300cakes · 11/07/2020 13:49

I normally like camping but I wouldn't do this. This isn't enjoying nature type camping - it's just miserable and weird.

Billben · 11/07/2020 13:50

Sorry but no way would I be going along with their craziness 😀

Topseyt · 11/07/2020 13:55

We are going to see my shielding elderly parents in a couple of weeks. My Dad too has COPD, and my mother several issues too.

Hotels in England began opening up from 4th July and their local Premier Inn is now available again. So we are staying there for a couple of nights and will go and visit them during the day. No way would I go there to end up in a tent in the garden with only a bucket in the shed to crap in. Bollocks to that. They wouldn’t expect it either.

justasking111 · 11/07/2020 13:55

They are batshit unless a common cold would put your dad in the ground. In which case your mother should be in the garden.

unlikelytobe · 11/07/2020 14:03

What a nutty idea! Do you like camping? What if it's pissing down and howling a gale? Get thee to a Travelodge, wench!

SummerHeating0n · 11/07/2020 14:12

Another case of "no this doesn't work for me"
I will visit some time in the future

user1486131602 · 11/07/2020 14:25

Exactly the same position as you.
Book into the nearest premier in, is it really worth all that hassle for a few days? All hotel have indoor loos!

ineedaholidaynow · 11/07/2020 14:30

For those saying shielding is being paused, that doesn't mean everyone who has been shielding have made a miraculous recovery from whatever has made them shield. The risk is still there.

Also for those saying why can't the parents travel to the OP, they are obviously taking shielding very seriously, which is their choice, and so travelling wouldn't be something they would want to do.

OP's family seem the mega outdoorsy type, with the exception of OP., although she doesn't mind a tent. In my family DH and DS will quite happily go wild camping with the ubiquitous trowel, I quite happily wave them off and stay at home with my comfortable bed and ensuite!

I would look for a travel lodge or B&B. I would treat it as mini break. It is not like you are planning to go every weekend.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 11/07/2020 14:38

I’m pretty outdoorsy and have camped in/travelled to lots of different places, including the desert, festivals, and countries where rural sanitation is exactly as bad as you feared it would be (barefoot in a dark men’s loo in Burma, anyone? Grin )And I’d still balk at the idea of having to use a potty in a shed at my parents’ own house.

Oakmaiden · 11/07/2020 14:43

OP's family seem the mega outdoorsy type

My dad in particular. He is 76 and regularly disappears up onto the Moors with his bike, Kelly Kettle and tarp for a few days.

But anyway, my dilemma is resolved. I told them I would rather pay for a hotel than use the portapotty overnight. They umm-ed and ah-ed and tried to explain to me how it wasn't SOOOO bad... and then my dad decided that rather than me spend the money he would prefer to sleep in the tent and use the porta potty himself, whilst I sleep in the spare room and use the indoor toilet.

I love my daddy.

OP posts:
MarioPuzo · 11/07/2020 14:48

That is the weirdest resolution I've ever heard. Is sleeping outside in the rain going to be good for his lung condition? Are you OK with allowing an almost 80 year old man to sleep outside and wash from a hose?

Just pay for a hotel or wait. Your family dynamics are very strange.

Apolloanddaphne · 11/07/2020 14:51

It seems weird he would let you sleep in his house and choose to sleep outside. The risks are minimal if you all sleep in the house.

Happynow001 · 11/07/2020 14:52

This has been/is a very strange thread...

NoSquirrels · 11/07/2020 14:54

Wow. Didn’t see that resolution coming!

Oakmaiden · 11/07/2020 14:56

It seems weird he would let you sleep in his house and choose to sleep outside.

I'm not disagreeing with you. I did suggest (once he made his suggestion) that I sleep in the tent but just use the house toilet facilities. But no, he would prefer to do it this way.

As I said, he regularly sleeps out under a tarp, so doesn't consider this any hardship at all. My family are all a bit baffled as to why I didn't like the idea.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 11/07/2020 14:57

But also - if I said no to this arrangement it would start to look like I was making excuses and just didn't really want to stay.

OP posts: