AIB a spoilt brat, or are my parents crazy? Or both?

[Oakmaiden]

I haven't seen my parents since February. I do miss them, but if I am completely honest it is not unusual for me not to see them between Feb half term and the summer holidays, as we are often busy during Easter and May half term, and they live about 4 hours drive away. Now that I am allowed to drive more than 5 miles (I live in Wales) they are very keen for me to travel down and stay with them for a few days.

But.

My dad has a lung disease, and is still shielding. So if I go down to stay I will not be allowed in the house at all. I will sleep in a tent in the garden, use an outside bucket and tap to wash and will use a porta potty in the shed for the "necessaries". All food and socialising will be done outside.

I could live with the tent, and if it is only a couple of days I could live with the tap and bucket, but the portapotty is the thing of nightmares. I am, and always have been, really funny about toilets. And I have a complete phobia about spiders and long legged insects (I am better than I was, but it is still there). That said, I do go camping and the facilities there are sometimes not the nicest (understatement). I get around this by using supermarket toilets/pub toilets during the day and evening, and only using the campsite toilet in an absolute emergency. And it makes me feel very uncomfortable, but I do do it.

I have said I am going to wait until I can go in the house and use their loo before I come down. And they are disappointed. And I feel like a right prima donna. But I also know that the whole toilet thing will genuinely make me really uncomfortable and possibly give me actual nightmares. (Yes, I do have nightmares about having to use unpleasant toilets. Go figure.)

Am I being a right brat?

I would wee behind a bush or in a portapotty if I was desperate but there is no way I would use it as the sole facility for an overnight stay. There’s a big difference between having a quick wee in Granny’s shed before heading home to civilisation and what they are suggesting. Nor would I wash in a bucket of cold water. And I’m not even particularly scared of spiders! Your parents are being very unreasonable to even think of it let alone insist on it when you objected.

Having just sprung the best part of a grand on an ultralight backpacking tent...and a trowel, this thread is making me laugh.
To each their own...we’re all so different.

I’m in the same position as you, about 4 hours away so I’ve booked a cottage half a mile away from them. Going next weekend. I’m planning on garden dining, socialising and hosting them in the garden of the cottage.

People saying that shielding is ending won’t change my plans, my parents aren’t suddenly less likely to die on July 31st. I’m not planning on setting foot in their house until they’ve had a positive antibody test or vaccine.

I wouldn't go,
YANBU at all!

I’m also puzzled as to why the bucket wash has to be a cold one from the outside tap? Do they not have hot running water or a kettle then?

If you skype you can talk face to face with your dad, whereas if you stay in a tent you cant.

Shielding is paused from 1st August so you could wait until then. Do you think they will continue with shielding? Is that the issue do you think?
Also hotel (cost wise) do you intend on going in your own or with the family?
Do they have a downstairs loo.?
I would either

1. Hotel
2. Tell them you would like to use the downstairs loo and that you will clean and sanitise anything you touch.
3. Stay at sisters on sofa
4. Use FaceTime

It’s tricky, my dad, I think, still feels he does not want to go out or come here, we have been once and stayed in the garden for lunch ( I provided all food from M&S picnic range so no food prep) , but he did let us use the loo!

The other thing is that if you’re not allowed inside at all, and the weather is miserable when you go, what will you do all day? If you don’t have somewhere to retreat to - your sister’s house, a b&b etc - then it really will be an awful experience. There’s a limit to how long you can sit on the patio together drinking tea anyway.

My mum is shielding due to lung issues too.
Even without covid she is very ill so I think if she were to develop covid on top it very well could kill her (especially as she is adamant about not going on a ventilator due to the condition of her lungs)

So I understand oak, I haven't been to visit since before Christmas as before covid there was a few issues in the family with heavy colds etc which we wanted to make sure she didn't catch. (Any cold almost always turns into pneumonia)
if I had to stay and sleep in a tent and use a toilet in the shed there's no way, as it stands that isn't an option so we keep in touch by phone and I will see her when we feel it is safe enough for her for me to come even if it is a garden visit. It won't be anytime soon as I have to get a bus or train so that adds more risk.

I think for you though a hotel is a good idea if you can make it work.

I'm sorry oak, it's hard isn't it? Knowing you could potentially pose such a serious risk to someone you love, it's quite an odd and unexpected feeling and having to play out possible outcomes according to different scenarios.

Sounds atrocious to me . Just No No And No again!The loo sounds horrendous as well .Like you I have a phobia about public toilets ,and wont go in one unless absolutely desperate! Hotel or camp site nearby or something like that Air B and B maybe

It all seems so unwelcoming. Washing in a bucket of cold water from a hose? Why wouldn’t they bring out a basin of warm water for you to use?

Didn't you injure your back op nothing serious, but a night on a camp bed won't help ... probably in need of two weeks to heal up.

@rwalker

4 hours away I would drive there and back in the day

Seriously? Eight hours in a car for a four hour visit? No bloody way. A hotel’s the way to go.

I adore my family, but I wouldn't shit in a shed to see them. How will you wash yoir hands before eating? What if you're on your period? Absolutely not.

I should add I'm not one of those terrified of covid in general but my post is specifically about my mums particular risk as she hits lots of the most at risk criteria with the exception of age.
If someone asked you to describe a person who you thought would most likely end up in the 20% or 1% it would be someone like my mum.

they are concerned about my father's health, and I respect that

That's fair enough, but it's only 20 days until shielding guidelines are relaxed
Since you've not been for months anyway, why not wait just a bit longer and solve the whole thing?

Depends on whether you enjoy /feel safe driving a long way .But could you get up at say 5.30/6.00 am and hit the road early ,Maybe DH could co drive ? My friend visits her DD and family .Takes about the same time leaves home about 7.00 am ,and gets there 11.00 /11.30 .Then drives back home around 7 .00 am and gets home 11.pm. Long day but they still have lunch and supper together , play with the DGC and make the most of it .Or as others have said Travelodge etc .

Definutely travellodge

I’m interested to know who is “servicing” the portapotti? It’s going to need emptying and they are either using the proper chemicals in which case it really needs to be disposed of at a proper disposal point or put that meets regulations, or they aren’t using the chemicals in which case it needs emptying directly into a sewer after every couple of uses… I’d be enquiring about this before using it in any case! (and I’m an “outdoors type” who has no problem with “nature calls” but I know the “rules” around hygiene in all cases ...) Oh and if it makes a difference, I haven’t seen my parent since February either and don’t plan to for a bit longer yet as it’s still too high risk

Hotels, caravan sites, airb&b are open
I've booked to stay in one this week

4 hours you could drive there & back in one day & do a social distance visit in their garden. Motorway service station toilets are open
Pubs & some restaurants are open if you prebook

I have been staying in Premier Inn/Travelodge accommodation throughout lockdown and all of that standard of hotel has had great hygiene and Covid implementation.

Unfortunately now they have opened up I can't get a booking but it was a nice change from my usual AirBnB so well worth looking at.

Or your parents can wait until August/decide if they are going to shield the whole of their lives.

nowt so queer as folk

Hotel or holiday rental. Definitely wouldn’t camp

What's a portapotty? Is it the same as a portaloo or more like a caravan chemical toilet? Either way, OP, YANBU. Stay in a hotel or Airbnb.

You sound hardcore @pictish